Annulment due to verbal, emotional, and past physical abuse

[Tracyms1974]

Tracy,

I have read your postings in the past and I have to ask…What have YOU done to win back your husband? You have stated that you have had multiple affairs, even gotten pregnant by an affair partner.

Sadly, all I’ve ever read from you has been about YOU. At one point you even came onto a prayer thread about those of us praying for our marriages to ask advice about whether or not to start another affair. I guess you did and became pregnant.

I’m sorry to seem harsh but you seem to blame your husband for everything and take no accountability. Even now you don’t care about anything but having another man.

My prayers are with you and your family. I pray you may come to see the errors of your ways and attempt reconciliation with your husband.

You know what lady, you ARE harsh, and you are also CLUELESS as to the hell i’ve been through. I am more than aware of the error of my ways and “sadly enough” a lot of those errors were a direct result of my husband’s harsh treatment of me. Believe what you want, but unless you’re had a husband who treats you no better than gum stuck to the bottom of his shoe then you DON’T know what it’s like and you have NO right to comment or JUDGE as you seem to be inclined to do - of ME in particular. Yes I AM taking this personally and do not tell me not to do so. An apology from you would be appreciated.

Tracy

 

[Tracyms1974]

This thread is interesting. It brings up one of the problems I have with the argument that abuse is not a valid reason for anullment because it didn’t exist at the start of the marriage.

Abuse often does not start UNTIL LATER, after children are born, because that is when the spouse has attention turned away from them and onto the children. The abuser is no longer the center of attention, and this often sparks the obvious abuse.

So, I think it is a strong argument for invalidity–you wouldn’t have married an abuser had you known, but often you don’t know until children are born.

Hugs…from some comments I can tell that some have never been abused physically or emotionally by their spouse. It is so hard and scary and I hope you make it through.

This lady knows what she’s talking about. I think all of these women who support “validity” have husbands who treat them like gold and therefore, it’s not an issue. Usually, almost always, once an abuser, always an abuser. Very seldom do these people get the help they need to change. MY HUSBAND REFUSED such help. (Hear that refreshed? refused counseling? I set it up - he would not go. He has yet to go to confession, too. Oh, he’s such a SWELL guy and I’m the clear LOSER in this equation, right, refreshed?)

Tracy

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

This lady knows what she’s talking about. I think all of these women who support “validity” have husbands who treat them like gold and therefore, it’s not an issue.
Tracy

**
Then you are picking and choosing which posts you read. **Obviously you have skipped over
OutinChgoburbs posts. She has been where you are. She could help you, if you’d let her. Your choice.

And there is no “supporting” validity of marriage. Either you believe what Jesus said or you don’t. Again, your choice.

 

[iamrefreshed]

You know what lady, you ARE harsh, and you are also CLUELESS as to the hell i’ve been through. I am more than aware of the error of my ways and “sadly enough” a lot of those errors were a direct result of my husband’s harsh treatment of me. Believe what you want, but unless you’re had a husband who treats you no better than gum stuck to the bottom of his shoe then you DON’T know what it’s like and you have NO right to comment or JUDGE as you seem to be inclined to do - of ME in particular. Yes I AM taking this personally and do not tell me not to do so. An apology from you would be appreciated.

Tracy

Hey y’all,

Look, I may or may not have a problem. I met this guy online and he is a sweetheart. He is in a fruitless marriage as I am. So here’s the question - how do I know that this is God giving me somebody else to love in response to this novena, or the devil trying to trick me? My counselor also says that it would be best to “make a decision” about what I want to do now rather than later. This did not make me very happy. I’m going to meet my “new” guy for lunch today. What do y’all think?

Tracy

Oh yeah, one more thing: This prayer is a little wordy (to me, anyway), so I seem to spend more time trying to read the words right rather than “praying.” Sometimes I have to go back and see what I read and what it means. Does this take away from the prayer or does God understand what’s going on with my limited brain?

In my personal experience, my parish priest told me not to tell of my indiscretion when I went to confession for it. But, my counselor told me the opposite. My personal verdict is a blend of the two. Yes, you probably should tell your spouse that you have been unfaithful period (at least once), but the quantity you can keep to yourself if you want, even subsequent cheating. Cheating is hard to stop once you’ve started, and if you tell your spouse about EVERY time, then they will not understand and they may not forgive you like God will.

Tracy

From reading this, he expressed “honesty” towards you, and you reacted by giving your body to someone else. And you continued to do so.

Excuse me sir, but I have QUIT doing that, and have gone to confession for every indiscresion I have committed, Thank You Very Much!!!

My dear, your husband won’t sleep with you because the sexual act is the ultimate expression of love. It is the mutual expression of vulnerabilities. He is protecting himself by refusing to be THAT vulnerable with you. He doesn’t trust you and his pain manifests in physical withdrawal and sniping at you. You both need to be intimate in a non-physical way before you can expect to be intimate in a physical way.

You know what? Why don’t YOU try living with the man for a week! He told me once, oh, excuse me, SCREAMED at me that he would sleep with someone else if I didn’t lose weight. I went on a weight loss program soon after. This is only one example of this man’s profoundly hateful behavior towards me. Every day this man finds something to scream at me about. BE MY GUEST!!! Move in! See if you can take it, big guy!!!

*I’d venture to say your husband senses you have one foot out of your marriage and has his guard up big time. If my wife cheated on me, I’d be crushed and super pissed off too. How easy to conclude he’s being abusive - is this so you can blame him when you finally bail on your marriage? *

I want to leave him because he’s a JERK!!! The only reason you’d be pissed in the same situation is because you actually LOVE your wife. My husband has told me he no longer loves me.

I also get the feeling you’re to some degree unrepentant, both by things you’ve said and you’re arguably selfish need to hijack the thread. If I’m wrong, I’m very sorry. Obviously we don’t have the full story in a public forum.

If Jules wants me to leave, I’ll leave. So far the only one who has called me a HIJACKER is YOU!!! Are you sure you’re not related to my husband?!!

(I’m sorry I can’t say this without being offensive. I want to be charitable. A child’s mommy and daddy are about to leave her after all. How utterly tragic :crying: May God help those who invite him into their marriages.)

Yeah, I don’t like that part of it, but I’m sick of his treatment. Or I could just do what you would have me do and TAKE IT!!!
To the OP…

*I’m sorry for your pain. I gather your husband is tremendously hurt by something in his past, either with or without you. What willpower it must take to protect oneself to the point you won’t talk to your spouse for weeks. He is either an immature boy (as others proffer) or an extremely hardened man (I’m reminded of the times we all wonder in the wilderness and cannot hear Our Eternal Father). *

We can only control ourselves, so I have no advice on how to love such a man other than prayer and forgiveness by you. Ask God to forgive you in front of him - I’ve found this to be a powerful way of expressing sorrow. Perhaps he’ll be compelled to pray with you since, technically, he’s not talking to you. Time before the Blessed Sacrament should help too, especially when your DH checks out completely. I pray his heart will soften and he is able to see the love and beauty you want to give him.
The only difference to YOU is that Jules did not commit adultery. I guess this fact makes her more deserving of your charity.

 

[iamrefreshed]

Tracy, take this as my final post to you as per your request via PM. Try to read the above objectively. These are a few of your posts.

I’m not here to dismiss your husbands verbal abuse to you. That is awful and should not be tolerated. I’m also not here to pick on you. You are my sister in Christ. But there are also issues that you need to address yourself.

As you my have noted, I’m a straight shooter. I don’t hold much back. I hope you seek help and put your concerns about annullment on the back burner. That should be you last concern riight now.

Good luck.

 

[cthulhubryan]

This lady knows what she’s talking about. I think all of these women who support “validity” have husbands who treat them like gold and therefore, it’s not an issue. Oh, he’s such a SWELL guy and I’m the clear LOSER in this equation, right, refreshed?)

Tracy

Ma’am, an abuser is a loser. If your willing to admit to your issues and he’s not then he is a loser. Unless you come at him with a knife or gun there is NEVER a reason to strike a woman. The first rule of being a man is DON’T HIT GIRLS. We are all taught this from the time we are old enough to listen. As a woman it is your right to be treated like gold, that’s what being a husband means My wife has done stuff I don’t like (no affairs) and she has made me mad enough to bite through steel, but it all goes back to being 3 years old YOU DON’T HIT GIRLS.

A man who hits a women has issues. They can be classified as chemical abuse issues, mental health issue, satanic influence issues or whatever. Problem is, unless it is a drug abuse issue that he will completely master a man who hits a women has so lowered his internal impression of women that it WILL happen again. Make the ultimatum, get out. The worst that can happen if you leave is that your may have to struggle to get a decree of nullity. The worst that can happen if you stay is you could be killed. Makes the math pretty simple if you ask me.

 

[Tracyms1974]

Tracy, take this as my final post to you as per your request via PM. Try to read the above objectively. These are a few of your posts.

I’m not here to dismiss your husbands verbal abuse to you. That is awful and should not be tolerated. I’m also not here to pick on you. You are my sister in Christ. But there are also issues that you need to address yourself.

As you my have noted, I’m a straight shooter. I don’t hold much back. I hope you seek help and put your concerns about annullment on the back burner. That should be you last concern riight now.

Good luck.

Your sole interest here is to make me look bad. Mission accomplished. You weren’t going down without a fight were you? Thanks for airing all my dirty laundry here in a convenient little package for everyone to see. I should report you to a moderator for harrassment! I am seeking help and I look forward to NEVER hearing from you again. You have about as much charity as a brick.

Tracy

 

[Tracyms1974]

Ma’am, an abuser is a loser. If your willing to admit to your issues and he’s not then he is a loser. Unless you come at him with a knife or gun there is NEVER a reason to strike a woman. The first rule of being a man is DON’T HIT GIRLS. We are all taught this from the time we are old enough to listen. As a woman it is your right to be treated like gold, that’s what being a husband means My wife has done stuff I don’t like (no affairs) and she has made me mad enough to bite through steel, but it all goes back to being 3 years old YOU DON’T HIT GIRLS.

A man who hits a women has issues. They can be classified as chemical abuse issues, mental health issue, satanic influence issues or whatever. Problem is, unless it is a drug abuse issue that he will completely master a man who hits a women has so lowered his internal impression of women that it WILL happen again. Make the ultimatum, get out. The worst that can happen if you leave is that your may have to struggle to get a decree of nullity. The worst that can happen if you stay is you could be killed. Makes the math pretty simple if you ask me.

Thank you for your post. I wanted to say that he has hit me before, but most of his abuse has been verbal and emotional. He’s gotten smart. I called the cops on him once for throwing a table at me, so since he knows I’ll call the cops, he won’t hit me. I am pleased to announce as of late that I have found a couple of roommates, so I AM out and I DON’T have to hear his God-awful mouth anymore. What a relief. I’m not quite settled and i’m still kinda nervous that these people won’t like me, but I’m out and that’s what counts. thank you so much for your concern, and it’s nice to hear a guy support us girls.

Tracy

 

[iamrefreshed]

Your sole interest here is to make me look bad. Mission accomplished. You weren’t going down without a fight were you? Thanks for airing all my dirty laundry here in a convenient little package for everyone to see. I should report you to a moderator for harrassment! I am seeking help and I look forward to NEVER hearing from you again. You have about as much charity as a brick.

Tracy

I’m only here to offer whatever help I can. It’s not possible to look good or bad on an anomyous forum. If you think it is you have some ego issues.

If you want to report me be my guest. You wrote those posts, not me.

As far as never hearing from me again, you can choose to use ignore. I’ve decided that I will choose what I write, not you. You don’t get to make my decisions for me.

I still hope your marriage can heal. But that can’t happen until you accept your share in the failure of the marriage. And that does not mean admitting to an affair and expecting your husband to ‘get over it’. Its been shown that an affair in the marriage takes at least 2-3 years of healing before things become normal again. An affair is not like stepping on someone’s toe and saying “I’m sorry”.

In just over a year you have admitted to one affair to your husband and begun another that resulted in a pregnancy. You have also lied to your husband about other affairs. Tell me, how is that is giving your marriage everything?

Sorry if I don’t sugar coat everything for you Tracy.

 

[Tracyms1974]

**
Then you are picking and choosing which posts you read. **Obviously you have skipped over
OutinChgoburbs posts. She has been where you are. She could help you, if you’d let her. Your choice.

And there is no “supporting” validity of marriage. Either you believe what Jesus said or you don’t. Again, your choice.

OutinChgoburbs has helped me. I told her thank you for the info that she gave me. I think the problem is that this issue is not dealt with much in the Bible. Jesus said, “whoever divorces his wife and marries another commits adultery.” Fine and true. But living with somebody is a day-to-day endeavor. It would have been nice if He elaborated more on what that means exactly. Everybody knows that there are verses in the Bible that are not to be taken literally. That crazy snake-handling cult that drinks strychnine and dances with rattlesnakes bases their whole religion on one verse in the Bible out of the gospel of Mark about how you will “drink poison and live” or some stuff. They don’t consider the verse that states, “You shall not put the Lord your God to the test.” My priest at Church warns against the Bible-only theory telling us that the Bible cannot interpret itself and that is why we have the Church to discuss exactly what something means. What all of you supporters of validity are saying to me is approaching Bible-only theory like the Baptists around me do. In fact, the only verse in the Bible that is taken literally by Cathoics word for word is at the Last Supper when Jesus says, “Do this in memory of me.” As far as I know, everything else is subject to some kind of interpretation, small or large.

Tracy

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

My priest at Church warns against the Bible-only theory telling us that the Bible cannot interpret itself and that is why we have the Church to discuss exactly what something means. ** What all of you supporters of validity **are saying to me is approaching Bible-only theory like the Baptists around me do. In fact, the only verse in the Bible that is taken literally by Cathoics word for word is at the Last Supper when Jesus says, “Do this in memory of me.” As far as I know, everything else is subject to some kind of interpretation, small or large.

Tracy

**
Wow, you need some serious lessons in the faith. Your gross misunderstandings are so very sad. There are no “supporters of validity”. There is Church teaching (based on Jesus and the Church He left to us here on earth) and there are those of us who choose to learn it and follow it and those who are either ignorant of Her beautiful Teachings or choose to bend and twist them to suit their own desires.

The Church has the Truth. It is there for you to find…you only have to want to. God will not force you. But He is waiting to be let into your heart. I pray you do.**

 

[LilyM]

OutinChgoburbs has helped me. I told her thank you for the info that she gave me. I think the problem is that this issue is not dealt with much in the Bible. Jesus said, “whoever divorces his wife and marries another commits adultery.” Fine and true. But living with somebody is a day-to-day endeavor. It would have been nice if He elaborated more on what that means exactly. Everybody knows that there are verses in the Bible that are not to be taken literally. That crazy snake-handling cult that drinks strychnine and dances with rattlesnakes bases their whole religion on one verse in the Bible out of the gospel of Mark about how you will “drink poison and live” or some stuff. They don’t consider the verse that states, “You shall not put the Lord your God to the test.” My priest at Church warns against the Bible-only theory telling us that the Bible cannot interpret itself and that is why we have the Church to discuss exactly what something means. What all of you supporters of validity are saying to me is approaching Bible-only theory like the Baptists around me do. In fact, the only verse in the Bible that is taken literally by Cathoics word for word is at the Last Supper when Jesus says, “Do this in memory of me.” As far as I know, everything else is subject to some kind of interpretation, small or large.

Tracy

Tracy, I honestly don’t see a single poster on this thread - other than yourself - who has suggested otherwise than that you go immediately to the Tribunal and let THEM decide validity. Seeing as how they are the final arbiters. I see a lot of opinion as well, of course, but it’s just that, general views on marriage, and is freely expressed with the proviso that it is ultimately up to the Church to decide. That’s a very different thing from self-interpretation.

YOU are the only one on this thread who has absolutely made up your mind about what the Church is going to say, without you even having asked them! Maybe you should set up a service where you save all the couples seeking annulment a whole lot of money by using your crystal ball of prediction and telling them what the Church will say about their marriages as well!

If there is anyone here who is SELF-interpreting Church teaching on marriage - rather than being willing to submit to Church arbitration and interpretation as the rest of us have all suggested - it’s you.

 

[Tracyms1974]

This thread is really going nowhere at this point. Everybody is saying the same thing over and over. All I wanted to know is whether or not somebody had experience with this, and I got my answer, really. The bible thing was really a “think outside the box” sort of thing and I get accused of heresy almost. So, I’m finished here. Thank you all for your time.

Tracy

 

[cthulhubryan]

Thank you for your post. I wanted to say that he has hit me before, but most of his abuse has been verbal and emotional. He’s gotten smart. I called the cops on him once for throwing a table at me, so since he knows I’ll call the cops, he won’t hit me. I am pleased to announce as of late that I have found a couple of roommates, so I AM out and I DON’T have to hear his God-awful mouth anymore. What a relief. I’m not quite settled and i’m still kinda nervous that these people won’t like me, but I’m out and that’s what counts. thank you so much for your concern, and it’s nice to hear a guy support us girls.

Tracy

You are cetainly welcome. I am sorry for your situation and for the issues you may face in life and here.It makes me angry to here of one who would be called a man acting like a jackal instead of a man.