Annulment is a Painful Process

[Gorgias]

No, not all who marry presume, think, assume, or necessarily even contemplate that marriage will be permanent.

Perhaps. But I would contest the assertion that the vast majority aren’t entering into marriage at least expecting or hoping to have a long and happy marriage. (Folks who enter marriage with some other ulterior motives in mind are a different story altogether, of course… )

 

[otjm]

Real world statistics indicate that people are getting married later and later in life (first marriages) and that a very large number of them had shacked up before marriage - “trying it out”. Without getting into a long dissertation on oxytocin, the bonding which that (the constant flush of oxytocin through the system) causes is at least part of the source of it being called the 'dumb hormone". In short, they are marriages which have a base which is largely built on the prior sexual encounters, and is the equivalent of building a house on sand.

Wishing and hoping, without a solid foundation, is a bit akin to spitting in the wind; the results are likely to be other than what was wished for. Coupled with the shacking up is all too often a prior history of serial fornication, another not-so-great foundation to a permanent marriage.

And then to that we can add the life experiences of one if not both parties, with the very high likelihood that at least one of the parties comes from a family broken up by divorce (if not both), another great foundation for permanency. You would be amazed at the number of people who enter marriage with a very clear thought that “if this doesn’t work out…”. I do not consider their wistfulness or their hopefulness to be anything more than “Well, I hope this will be permanent, but…”. And that, again, is not entering marriage intending it to be permanent. Intending and hoping are two different things; likewise intending and wishing.

Part of the [problem is that too often, we have little or no serious and deep contact with the secular world as such. and that secular world includes those who are “spiritual but not religious”, and the large number of people whose faith expression is an occasional attendance at some local church, with not much more than a superficial gloss of religious commitment.

In other words, I sort out the wishing and hoping crowd form the intending crowd. The latter has far more commitment to working through the tough times than the former. And I have met both, and continue to be astounded at how many were wishers and hopers, but not intenders.

 

[Tis_Bearself]

Coupled with the shacking up is all too often a prior history of serial fornication, another not-so-great foundation to a permanent marriage.

The vast majority of people I knew who grew up in the 60s, 70s and 80s committed some degree of “serial fornication” before marriage because it was the social norm. There are still many long-lasting marriages among this group of people. I know quite a few people from this age group who have been married for over 2 decades, like myself. They, and I, sowed some wild oats and then found someone they wanted to settle down with, which is not unusual. I’m not saying it’s okay, but it’s not the kiss of death to a lasting relationship either.

I’d say a bigger deciding factor is in the example set by the parents and others in the family. If you grew up in a family where people stayed happily married for 2 or 3 or 4 decades, then you have some idea of what makes a good marriage and how people make a marriage work. If you grew up without that example, it’s much harder. You don’t have a good idea of how to get along with somebody in a marriage. You can still make it work if you are committed to it, but it will take more effort on your part, and you may also lack the “elders” in your family who would give you the good advice about getting along with a spouse that long-married parents, aunts/ uncles, and grands do.

 

[otjm]

I understand your point; but after 25 years of presenting RCIA, including both Protestants who are still in marriages they intend to be permanent, and those who are divorced, but intended it to be permanent, I find that the instances where there are second marriages are most often with people who intended the first one to be permanent (but had a spouse who did not), and seem even more committed to that in their second one.

It takes both parties with a commitment to permanency in marriage to avoid divorce (as well as God’s grace). One party may have that and still not have the theological underpinnings of what validity consists of, and see no sin either in the divorce (of which there may be none on their part), nor of remarriage (seeking a covenant relationship, and thus effectively seeing no sin in remarrying). I have been struck by how many Protestants I meet see marriage in light of covenant relationship. and while they may find that a trip to the tribunal may be painful, they see validity and covenant better than do a whole lot of Catholics.

So I will go back to my original comment; I find many, many Protestants to firmly believe in the permanence of marriage, and they intend that.

 

[7_Sorrows]

I know I have many Protestant friends who took marriage vows and believe in “until death do us part”. To them marriage is permanent and not a frivolous union.

 

[cradlecatholic56]

The annulment process can be grueling.

Recently went through it. Took three (3) years. Thankfully the Holy Spirit was working in my husband and me. Praying for you both.

I believe it was worth it.