Annulment Support

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I am new to this site and am happy to see such an active message board dedicated to the Catholic community. I wasn’t exactly sure where to post, so I hope I chose the right folder!

I am struggling with the length of the annulment process and am seeking support and a few answers. I submitted my petition to the Tribunal almost one year ago and am awaiting a decision. I was told that the process would likely take 12-18 months; now that I am closing in on the 12 month mark, I am getting increasing nervous and anxious about the outcome. I continue to ask God to grant me patience and faith, but continue to struggle. For anyone who has gone through the process, I would appreciate your thoughts and (name removed by moderator)ut on my situation.

Although my annulment is still in process, I have already entered into a new relationship with a Catholic man (we are not married or engaged; just seriously committed). I understand that this relationship is a sin because I am still married in the eyes of God. I do not attend communion when I attend mass. However, I am wondering if it would be a sin to attend confession. I have not gone to confession in many, many years and have contemplated going recently. Is it true that – because I am in a new relationship without having my former marriage resolved – it is a sin to go to confession?

I would really appreciate any (name removed by moderator)ut into my situation and, of course, your prayers.
 
Being in a relationship with someone before knowing the outcome of your nullity petition might be imprudent– but it is **NOT **a sin. Not unless by “relationship” you mean sexual relationship.

But, sex outside of marriage is a sin whether you’ve been previously married or not.

As to Confession-- absolutely you can and should go to Confession and receive advice from the priest. If, of course, you are having a sexual relationship that would need to cease before you could truly make a “firm ammendment of purpose” and make a good confession.
 
I concur with 1ke … you need to understand ‘relationship’ …

As to the length of time … yu have my empathy … my annullment took almost two years … how hard it was but I learned much about mysef through the process … to be humble and patient before God, submitting oneself … I would not want to go through it again but I a not sorry for the experience …

You do realize that a divorce [in and of itself] does not preclude you from receiving that Sacraments like Reconcilliation and Eucharist?

You are just prohibited from entering into another marriage [unless your first marriage is receives a decree of nullity]. And of course; you are prohibited from sexual activity outside of marriage [as all of us are called]…

and robbing banks, driving drunk …etc 😃

So return to your faith, seek reconcilliation, attend Mass, receive the Eucharist [if appropriate] and check into your parish ministris … perhaps they have a program for returning catholics like yourself…

Welcome Home 👋 And God Bless
 
fns said:
I am new to this site and am happy to see such an active message board dedicated to the Catholic community. I wasn’t exactly sure where to post, so I hope I chose the right folder!

I am struggling with the length of the annulment process and am seeking support and a few answers. I submitted my petition to the Tribunal almost one year ago and am awaiting a decision. I was told that the process would likely take 12-18 months; now that I am closing in on the 12 month mark, I am getting increasing nervous and anxious about the outcome. I continue to ask God to grant me patience and faith, but continue to struggle. For anyone who has gone through the process, I would appreciate your thoughts and (name removed by moderator)ut on my situation.

Although my annulment is still in process, I have already entered into a new relationship with a Catholic man (we are not married or engaged; just seriously committed). I understand that this relationship is a sin because I am still married in the eyes of God. I do not attend communion when I attend mass. However, I am wondering if it would be a sin to attend confession. I have not gone to confession in many, many years and have contemplated going recently. Is it true that – because I am in a new relationship without having my former marriage resolved – it is a sin to go to confession?

I would really appreciate any (name removed by moderator)ut into my situation and, of course, your prayers.
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First, welcome to CAF!

My ex-wife divorced me, in part, because I converted to the Catholic Church. (We were both atheists when we were married.)

Reading your post I was struck that I could have almost have written it.

I too submitted my nullity petition about a year ago. I was told 1 - 2 years.

Except for the part about being in a committed relationship with a man. As I am a man, that would not be so good. 😉 But I do have a “special” lady friend.

As 1ke pointed out, your relationship may be imprudent, but it is not sinful. The granting of an annulment is not guaranteed. In my case, I am very up-front with my lady-friend; if the Tribunal declares my failed marriage to be valid, I cannot remarry unless my ex-wife dies. (And if I am responsible for her death, :eek: I am still prevented from marrying!) If I cannot remarry, that I should not ever date.

One other point, I would encourage you to go to confession. And you might want to consider going regularly. How often is up to you, but many find they are closer to God the more often they go. Many people I know go about once a month. I know many others who go more frequently. And these are lay people, nothing special about them. I myself go rather frequently and I am better for it. 🙂

There are also organizations out there than can provide support for those still hurting from their divorce. In my case, I did not avail myself of these resources. My ex and I had been separated for nearly two years before the divorce. We were still living in the same house, but she moved all my stuff from into the guest bedroom while I was attending Mass for the very first time. From that time on, she sort “hid” from me. While I tried to communicate from time to time, it just did not work out. She was too anti-Christian. We often had no communication, for weeks or months at a time, not even laying eyes on one another despite being just down the hall.

This wne one from October of 2003 to December of 2005.

Finally she said we could reconcile, but only if I stopped going to church and praying. When I said I could not do that, she said she was filing for divorce. Two days later she fled the USA for Japan and filed for divorce from there.

During the 26 month in house separation, followed by her sudden departure, I slowly came to terms with the dissolution of my marriage. It was a difficult and painful time. Through frequent prayer and reception of the Sacraments, especially confession, God gave me much personal peace and consolation. By the time my ex actually did leave, I was emotionally ready, despite being profoundly sad and disappointed.

Divorce is never pleasant. I pray that your situation was not too painful. I pray that you will get the decision on your nullity that you both need and want.

May God bless you as you seek to draw closer to Him.
 
I feel like a wet blanket, but the OP is correct that she’s not free to date or have any kind of special friend that would not be appropriate for a married person. Until (and if) the annulment is granted, one should conduct oneself as a married person.

I don’t think it would be a sin to go to Confession or ask a priest for some counseling and support. I don’t know if one can receive absolution without contrition for all of one’s failings, but I am not an expert - I think we have to have the intention to sin no more.

I am so sorry for your situation - I can only imagine how frustrating and painful it must be. You have my prayers and I hope you stay as connected to the Church as you can. I hope you find peace soon.
 
Thank you all so much for your replies. It is so helpful to have your (name removed by moderator)ut and insight.

1ke - I appreciate your clarity. With continued reflection, I hope to be able to discern if going to confession is right for me at this time.

YADA - Thank you for your empathy. The annulment process has been very enlightening, telling, and healing for me. While it has also been difficult, I do believe that it has brought me closer to God and has strengthened my faith. I also really appreciate your humor.

rpp - Thank you for your personal story. I am lucky in a sense that the end of my marriage was quite abrupt. My (ex)husband confessed his unfaithfulness and left the marriage immediately. While I believe I did everything in my power to save my marriage, I was unable to do it alone. While it doesn’t make the experience any less painful, I can’t even imagine the pain of what you have experienced. I will keep you and your special friend in my thoughts. I also appreciate your humor - it is refreshing at these times.

proudnifi - you are not a wet blanket, I appreciate your honesty. I am also trying to be as honest as I can be, with myself and with God.
 
My “12 to 18 month” process took three years. During that time, I did not open myself to any other relationship, but did open myself to the possibility that the Tribunal may, in fact, find that my marriage had been valid. It was tough. I lived as if I were a married woman separated from her husband, despite the fact that my legal marriage was over and former spouse had remarried.

Ironically (or providentially), when I finally accepted that I would always be considered married in the eyes of the Church, I received the statement of nullification. By that point, I had done a great deal of healing and soul search and truly felt ready to move forward.

I shall keep you in my prayers.
 
fns said:
I Although my annulment is still in process, I have already entered into a new relationship with a Catholic man (we are not married or engaged; just seriously committed). I understand that this relationship is a sin because I am still married in the eyes of God. I do not attend communion when I attend mass. However, I am
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it is not a sin unless you are sexually intimate with this man. it is not prudential, and may lead to great heartache however, because you have no guarantee your case will result in a decree of nullity and you would be well advised to back pedal this romance until you are free to consider it.

yes you should be going to confession regularly regardless, there is no reason not to.

you should have someone assigned who is working on your behalf with the tribunal of whom you can ask questions on the progress, see if any further info is needed etc. ask the priest or deacon who assisted you in starting the process.
 
IrishAm -
If you don’t mind my asking - I see that you are in Alexandria, VA - did you submit your petition in the Diocese of Arlington? And, do you have any idea why it took three years? I used to live in Alexandria myself and petitioned the Diocese of Arlington for my annulment. Thank you for your prayers.

Puzzleannie - thank you for your reply. I understand that I could be headed for heartbreak, given there are no guarantees. But, it is a risk that I am willing to take. I think that God works in mysterious ways. I believe He brought a wonderful Catholic man into my life for a reason. I have grown in my faith since meeting this person and believe that I now have a stronger relationship with God than ever. I appreciate your encouragement regarding contacting my advocate, and I will likely do that shortly. However, the Tribunal has made it abundantly clear that any inquiries in my case will just slow the process and encourages anyone involved in the case to NOT inquire regarding status. Their last communication with me was almost accusatory and left me quite distressed. So, I am doing my best to deal with the process and let it happen. (As you can tell - my best in this area is not always quite good enough! 🙂 )
 
fns said:
IrishAm -
If you don’t mind my asking - I see that you are in Alexandria, VA - did you submit your petition in the Diocese of Arlington? And, do you have any idea why it took three years? I used to live in Alexandria myself and petitioned the Diocese of Arlington for my annulment. Thank you for your prayers.
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Yes, I submitted the petition in the Diocese of Arlington and have to repeat what I tell everyone who will listen - the process was very healing. I was treated with care and respect by every person with whom I came in contact through the Tribunal.

As to why it took three years – well, I’m not so sure that I know for certain. The easy answer is that God knew I needed it to take that long. I went from being the wife in what I thought was a loving and Catholic marriage to a divorced woman in less than four months time and petitioned the Tribunal six months later. I needed time to heal, I needed time for some perspective, and God gave me that time.

The “logistical” answer, however, probably involves a lot of things, including a small staff and a large diocese. I was married for over 30 years, so this wasn’t a “look the facts and make a decision” kind of petition. After submitting my petition, and waiting for my ex-husband to make his response and all the witnesses to reply (which took perhaps 4 months in total) I met with three members of the Tribunal (and a person who recorded the meeting) for well over an hour; they asked questions and I responded to the best of my ability. A few months later, the Tribunal asked me to have an appointment with a local psychiatrist (who was terrific). He seemed to have read all the paperwork, and we talked for several hours. And then I waited for another two years for, first, Arlington to give its findings and, then, Baltimore Archdiocese to confirm them. I do know the Diocese still tells people the “average time” is 12-18 months, so I presume it is. (I’m just waaaaay above average, I guess.)

(As you can tell from the above description, anyone who thinks the Church is “making money” on annulments is sadly misinformed. The psychiatrist alone has fees higher than the amount requested from a petitioner, at least in Arlington.)

I hope that helps. I could have applied in four different diocese (the one in which we were married; the one we spent most our lives; the one he lived in at the time of the petition; and Arlington where I lived) and feel I made a good choice. But, then, if I had been in a hurry I probably would not have been pleased.

Best of luck to you . . .
 
fns said:
. However, the Tribunal has made it abundantly clear that any inquiries in my case will just slow the process and encourages anyone involved in the case to NOT inquire regarding status. )
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that may be because in order to answer your question the file has to be retrieved from whoever is working on it now, so your question can be answered, which simply adds more delay. Do you have a particular reason for believing there may be snags that could be assisted with more (name removed by moderator)ut? It might be best then if contacts came through your parish contact, rather than directly from you. Repeat, haste and anxiety because of a new romantic interest in the offing can certainly color one’s perceptions and muddy the waters, and it can be hard to realize that the process takes as long as it takes, like any other legal procedure, and depends on the actions and responses of many people, and seldom runs smoothely without snags.
 
The Catechism of the Catholic Church states that it is for the good of society for man and woman to be friends. This requires chastity if it is indeed to be for the good of society. A divorced person awaiting an annulment must heed this advice as he or she is considered married until an annulment is granted. Anything beyond a chaste friendship could place one in near occasion of sin (adultery), or worse. One must be mindful that just not having sex is an adequate measure as others have eluded to. Sadly many priests are lenient on this matter as well.

In our sexually open and instant gratifying culture this is not always an easy thing to do - especially when one is waiting for an annulment - it is important to remember that. The waiting period is a time of discernment and by all means a time to stay close to the sacrament of reconciliation.
 
IrishAm,
Thanks for sharing so many details. The initial part of the process was also very healing for me, the waiting is just causing a bit of anxiety. Thanks again for your thoughts.
 
Hi fns,

You might like to read this short article on divorce and remarriage, which does cover dating while waiting for an annulment.

stpaschal.org//index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=114&Itemid=86

I would encourage you to go to confession and return to the sacraments. I think you will get a lot of good pastoral advice by going to confession and also I think it is an opportunity to stay close to God and receive the graces that you are surely needing during this time.

I’m going through the process now myself, and fortunately the diocese that is hearing my case is small. If I email with a question I hear back in just hours. Things appear to be moving quickly, but I am mentally prepping myself that it could be a long process.

I am sure the wait is difficult, but as you can see from some of the answers here, it doesn’t necessarily things are going badly. In some ways, I do think the wait can be a blessing because it could protect you from making a mistake. It is a difficult time following a divorce, and there are certain steps we need time to go through. I guess in a way, having to take the time to really be ready for that new relationship is a good (but difficult) thing.
 
The only advice I have is to hang in there and persevere. My wife’s annulment was pretty simple and only took 4 months, and I thought it was a lifetime. Until we convalidated our marriage I couldn’t receive the sacraments and that was very hard. The only thing I can offer is to pray for a speedy outcome. The thing that brought me a bit of consolation was praying and telling Jesus that I would obey his wishes and await the decision and endure. And that I was thankful for the opportunity to come to appreciate the sacraments and understand the need for them, to empty myself and trust in him.

Good luck.
 
On Friday, I received the letter from the Tribunal. It was the first instance judgment. They determined that my marriage was not valid.

Another diocese tribunal must review this. This is known as the second instance. If they agree, then my marriage will be declared null.

I submitted my documentation in early March of 2006. At that time, I was told it would take 18 to 24 months. I am surprised that I received the first instance decision so quickly. I am also more than a little relieved.
 
rpp -
I want to say congratulations, but that doesn’t seem quite right. (It is just hard to be “happy” about annulment!) But, given the circumstances, it is great news that the first judgement has determined that your marriage was not valid. As you said, I’m sure this is a great relief. I will keep you in my thoughts as your petietion goes to the second tribunal. Your “light at the end of the tunnel” is drawing ever closer.

I, too, have received news since my first post. Basically, the letter I received from the tribunal notified me that my case is “on the judge’s desk”. I’m not really sure what that means but it is another marker that my case is moving forward, which is all I can ask for at this point. I have hit the one year mark since submitting my petition, so I hope to be close to the end.

It seems as though annulment statistics are the cause of much debate. I wonder if there is any information floating around about the difference between first and second judgements. I know that nothing is ever absolute, and annulments are not a sure thing by any stretch of the imagination, but I wonder what the statistics would show about second judgements being in-line (or not) with the first judgement.

I will keep you in my thoughts.
 
fns said:
I am new to this site and am happy to see such an active message board dedicated to the Catholic community. I wasn’t exactly sure where to post, so I hope I chose the right folder!

I am struggling with the length of the annulment process and am seeking support and a few answers. I submitted my petition to the Tribunal almost one year ago and am awaiting a decision. I was told that the process would likely take 12-18 months; now that I am closing in on the 12 month mark, I am getting increasing nervous and anxious about the outcome. I continue to ask God to grant me patience and faith, but continue to struggle. For anyone who has gone through the process, I would appreciate your thoughts and (name removed by moderator)ut on my situation.

Although my annulment is still in process, I have already entered into a new relationship with a Catholic man (we are not married or engaged; just seriously committed). I understand that this relationship is a sin because I am still married in the eyes of God. I do not attend communion when I attend mass. However, I am wondering if it would be a sin to attend confession. I have not gone to confession in many, many years and have contemplated going recently. Is it true that – because I am in a new relationship without having my former marriage resolved – it is a sin to go to confession?

I would really appreciate any (name removed by moderator)ut into my situation and, of course, your prayers.
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Since you have not attempted a new Marriage the Sacraments are still available to you. Unless there is something you have not mentioned there is no reason you should avoid Confession or Holy Communion. This assumes that your new relationship is a friendship and has no sexual involvement.
 
Here’s my question. What if one married a non-Catholic, never lived with her, and divorced nine months later. Now, the other person is Catholic. He, however, was very lapsed in the Church and didn’t know all the rules. He didn’t know that an annulment was necessary. In the meantime he civilly remarried. So, that marriage would be invalid and the two would be living in mortal sin? If an annulment were granted would they have to have a wedding ceremony in the Church or a convalidation?
 
Brothers/Sisters

The preface I had here disappeared. And I am to exhausted to redo it. So I have just laid out the “facts” below. From it you can hopefully tell that the two questions I need answered are: Am I barred from the Sacraments and; must I place the either/or question to my current wife. Any and all help would be so greatly appreciated. Praying for Gods Grace, Perfect Love and, Infinite Mercy . . . fallguyOIF.

BTW, this was submitted to the AAA forum but received know response as it was probably either to long, convoluted or both. Praying I did a better job:)

I left the Church long ago. I now know that was very wrong. I want to return to the Church and the Sacraments (Reconciliation & Communion) but, while I was gone, I married a non-Catholic woman in a civil wedding. That marriage was dissolved in a civil divorce. I am currently married (for 28 years in Feb.) to another non-Catholic woman, again in a civil ceremony. I now understand that my 2nd marriage is not valid until I seek and receive an annulment from my first marriage (I believe it can be proved that at least some of the essential elements for a valid marriage were lacking) AND then have my current marriage blest (?convalidation?) by the Church. So far, probably doable, though there are some doubts by my Presbyterian wife.
But, I have now heard from more than one priest and a learned RCIA instructor that I may even have a bigger problem, as my non-Catholic wife was twice previously married to, non-Catholic men. I’m not sure that the religions of my wife or her Ex’s makes that much of a difference, but what does make a difference is that the Church does not recognize the divorce/?divorces? from her first (or first and second) husband(s). The implications appear to be that before I can even have a chance of returning to the Church and Sacraments, I must EITHER ask my wife to seek an annulment(s) from her first (or first and second) husband(s) OR I must ask my wife for a divorce.
I think I understand what is going on here. I committed adultery when I slept with a woman other than my first wife, even though divorced under “Caesars” law. And while I may/did/do commit adultery against my divorced wife when/if I sleep with my current wife I’ve compounded the whole mess because I continue to also commit adultery against my wife’s divorced husband(s). I know that ignorance is no excuse for Sins against Gods or mans law. I am constantly asking for Gods mercy and forgiveness for these and the many other Sins I have committed since I turned away from God over 40 years ago. I am so terribly sorry for all of those wrongs and I pray that I will have the strength to make the necessary amends. In my heart and Soul, I do believe that God forgives me and look so much for the day when the Church to can give me absolution.
The answer I so much need right now is whether or not I need to put the question: annulment or divorce to my wife in order of having any chance of returning to Gods Church and the Holy Sacraments. The proposition is almost unbearably painful, especially as I think I might know what her response will be. An option to try and forget the whole thing is not even on the table. I say the Apostles Creed every day and I truly believe every single word I say from it. I just keep reminding myself that the pain that I suffer now and may even suffer more dearly if/when I put the question, would really be very small price to pay for what I would ultimately receive from doing so. But before I do, I just want to know that these are questions that must be asked.
 
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