What I have difficulty grasping is not the thought that an invalidly married couple who have children should live together celibately. What I cannot fit together with the fact that most people’s vocation is marriage is the sheer number of “invalid marriages.” It makes no sense for marriage to be so difficult that most people who divorce are, in fact, invalidly married.
People are selfish; people are difficult. Marriage is under attack, and sex is readily available outside the marriage bond. None of these things, while they can make marriage harder, render a marriage attempt invalid.
I guess to make my point clearer I can use a real life case. I was a witness for an annulment investigation. I submitted 13, typed, single spaced, pages of testimony. I was the housemate (and sibling) of one of the people prior to the marriage.
This couple, on the surface, went through the motions of preparing for a Catholic marriage. I knew otherwise. Many people thought they were a “match made in heaven.” The bride came back from their engagement retreat all smiles about how perfect they were for each other. I saw red flags everywhere. She converted and was baptized. Again, red flags on her understanding of the faith. He hadn’t been active and had a poor grasp of it himself. They were fornicating and contracepting before marriage and planned to contracept after marriage. She had trust issues she thought were resolved…more red flags. He had trust issues he knew were not resolved, red flag, but more workable. The list goes on and on.
“Everyone” thought they were the model of marriage. I cried on their wedding day. The one promise I made when they divorced was that I would not remain silent again. If a couple attempts marriage with so *many *impediments, the chances of success are very slim. It is only through a complete conversion of spirit that a couple in this case would make it.
And as I said, since God is all-knowing, He would know the outcome of their choices. I think what is important to emphasize is both the gravity and number of impediments. For example, since we know of research from NFP groups that 50% of contracepting couples divorce, regardless of religious affiliation, then contraception is likely a major impediment to marriage. Since co-habitation and fornication result in high divorce numbers, what leads to them is likely also an impediment. (Note: I was a contracepting, fornicater before marriage, so I have my own shaky ground to stand on.)
What seems to be a defining factor in my studies is the couples who discover
why something is an impediment, and seek to change it, are likely the validly married ones. The couple who lives together and thinks it is no big deal is likely to divorce. The couple who sees the error of their ways and changes is likely to stay married. Whether each couple does this before the wedding or after the wedding is where the presumption of validity comes in. God already knows which couple will see the error of their ways.
I am finding that explaining this is a little like explaining the Immaculate Conception of Our Lady and how she still needs a Savior. It is something which occurs outside of time. For God, everything is now. Do validly married couples divorce? Most certainly! And for many of the reasons you state. But it still seems that there is a vicious cycle. Invalid marriages seem to influence more invalid marriages. My husband hadn’t a clue what a valid marriage looked like. His own parents had a train wreck that lasted nearly 30 years. Though they haven’t had theirs examined, you could make a list of all the impediments to marriage, close your eyes and point, and nearly guarantee a hit. His parents’ marriage was one of the impediments *we *had to overcome.
Many apologies!
While asking, is it even possible to be validly married on the first go anymore? What do you think?)
).
My husband and I have been married only to each other.
