Annulments/support group

  • Thread starter Thread starter LaLucia
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
thanks for your answer. im kind of sad because i always thought any marriage not in a church, the Catholic church did no consider valid. i realized they would want the divorce decree for legal purpoises but not that it would interfere with us marrying in the church. He is the love of my life because he is my friend first and i was married a 19 to a man almost 30 yrs. older. he was a good man but was never able to fulfill me emottionally since he never liked talkng to me and i felt lonely. i was married 28 yrs. when he passed away from cancer.We married first in civil ceremony and then 12 yrs. later our marriage was blessed in church and i did not have a "“real wedding” since i always wanted to have the wedding ceremony with a wedding gown etc. i have been looking forward to fulfilling my dream with this guy. after what he went thru with his ex we both believed that God has put us together and i cant imagine that since they had a shotgun wedding and she had a gambling addictioon which left him penniless after owning a succesful carpet business! then she turned around and cheated on him with a guy that she knew from her past and who she had left when she met him ( my boyfriend) then she threw him out of the house and told him she basically used him because she knew he would be a good father to her son (his stepson). i cant imsgine the church would consider such a marriage valid. some people told me to leave him because he is considered a married man. well it is not easy to do when you already gave your heart to someone who has made you the happiest you ever been and has been so good to your fatherless children. he has been going to mass with me every sunday and is talking of becoming Catholic.we were planning an engagement around december and im afraid he would be turned off about the Catholic church if i tell him that they might not marry us. He will see that as unfair and rigid and frankly i would too. in my heart i still l harbor hope because of his situastion. i guess i have to wait til december because he was waiting for some legal papers like a bankrupcy discharge to come thru before we got engaged.
 
dianna62 said:
my boyfriend is a divorced non-catholic. he married in a civil ceremony spur of the moment cause she had a baby. they were married 14 yrs. she drove them into bankrupcy because of a gamblimg problem then she committed adultery and threw him out of the house. im a widowed Catholic . can we b married in the church since he was not married in church and im free to marry?
Click to expand...
Hi there,

If your boyfriend’s ex-wife is still living then you will need to have his marriage examined for validity before you can marry. Your parish priest can put you in touch with the Tribunal in your area. Depending on the circumstances (whether he was baptised prior to marriage, whether it was a religious ceremony etc.) he may be able to have it annulled quite easily based on lack of form, or if it is more complex, then he may need to look at the more in-depth annulment process. The Tribunal is experienced in these things and can provide good advice. There are also really helpful books out there that can give advice on grounds to proceed on.

I understand how disappointing it can feel to be told that its not as simple as jumping in and getting married, but it is definitely better to face the truth and deal with it before committing yourselves. And while it is a very tedious, and often heart-wrenching process, there is some real closure and a sense of being joined fully to your new spouse that does not exist without it. I wish you both all the best for your future.
 
dianna62 said:
thanks for your answer. im kind of sad because i always thought any marriage not in a church, the Catholic church did no consider valid. i realized they would want the divorce decree for legal purpoises but not that it would interfere with us marrying in the church. He is the love of my life because he is my friend first and i was married a 19 to a man almost 30 yrs. older. he was a good man but was never able to fulfill me emottionally since he never liked talkng to me and i felt lonely. i was married 28 yrs. when he passed away from cancer.We married first in civil ceremony and then 12 yrs. later our marriage was blessed in church and i did not have a "“real wedding” since i always wanted to have the wedding ceremony with a wedding gown etc. i have been looking forward to fulfilling my dream with this guy. after what he went thru with his ex we both believed that God has put us together and i cant imagine that since they had a shotgun wedding and she had a gambling addictioon which left him penniless after owning a succesful carpet business! then she turned around and cheated on him with a guy that she knew from her past and who she had left when she met him ( my boyfriend) then she threw him out of the house and told him she basically used him because she knew he would be a good father to her son (his stepson). i cant imsgine the church would consider such a marriage valid. some people told me to leave him because he is considered a married man. well it is not easy to do when you already gave your heart to someone who has made you the happiest you ever been and has been so good to your fatherless children. he has been going to mass with me every sunday and is talking of becoming Catholic.we were planning an engagement around december and im afraid he would be turned off about the Catholic church if i tell him that they might not marry us. He will see that as unfair and rigid and frankly i would too. in my heart i still l harbor hope because of his situastion. i guess i have to wait til december because he was waiting for some legal papers like a bankrupcy discharge to come thru before we got engaged.
Click to expand...
Dianna - it is like this - he made vows, to death due us part. He owes it to her regardless of what she has done to examine the validity of this marriage before entering into a new one with you. The sooner you start this process the better. If he cannot do this small thing for you - which would impact your faith life hugely- what else would he be unwilling to give and take on in your life together?

BTW- everything you just said can be used as evidence as to her intent at the time of their marriage. It is not that the Church may not marry you - it is that currently he is already married.
 
i do understand about the"he is already married" thing.What im saying is that I always thought that the church only considered valid the marriage of 2 non-catholics, if they were married in a religious ceremony. I cant imagine that a wedding that was spur of the moment, because they had a baby and she had to have her license renewed and said:: "why dont we go ahead and get married " and a couple of days later ran to the courthouse and got married. Not much thought into this marriage it was a shotgun wedding and like I said before she left a man she was seeing to start dating him (my boyfriend) and shortly after their baby was born, she slept with her previous boyfriend, then she ruined my boyfriend financially because of her gambling problem and although he stuck by her thru it all, after 14 yrs. she contacted the old boyfriend again and traveled to be with him and when she got back, she told her husband that it was over and threw him out!! im saying, how can that marriage be valid in the churchs eyes? the bible says: “what God put together let no man set asunder” they were not joined by God and what i see there is no real commitment on her part! im not saying that my boyfriend would not go thru the process for me. im saying that if he was told that his marriage is valid and he cannot marry me, then im afraid it would turn him off and lose his desire to become Catholic! im so different from his ex. i married a much older man at 19 and stuck with him faithfully until he passed away 28 yrs later. How do u tell a man he cant marry a woman like that because he is married to a woman that all she did was hurt him! and he did not even marry her in a religious ceremony. im saying that in another group on this site I was told to stay away from this man because he is married and i should not date a man who is not free. people sometimes are too rigid and dont offer any compoassion
 
That’s a rough one, Dianna, and it’s so hard when non-Catholic parties are involved. They may have done their very best, but it’s like the rules got changed on them without warning. I sure do wish you the best. Based on what you wrote, I would feel pretty hopeful about what a Tribunal would decide, but it’s still a lot of time and struggle and frustration. All the best to you both.
 
I was a child who had to put up with my parents always fighting almost everyday. It was a very unhappy childhood for me. I became serverly depressed as a child and as an adult. It has taken me years of therapy and medications to help me with my mental problems.
I ended up in a bad marriage because I really never learned how to really love a man due to my mom always talking bad about my dad. I truly hated my dad and wished him dead. But I was lucky that my dad lived to be real old and died at the age of 96yrs.old.
I learned he wasn’t as bad as my mom had pictured him for me as a child.
But when he died I couldn’t cry because I never liked him because he did have a very mean streak in him.

Once my dad died I noticed that my mom was still being mean to me so I have created a distance from her. I do visit her and make sure that she is well taken care of and she is now very old and has a care provider to keep an eye on her and take care of her.

My main point in telling my story is that when kids live in an abusive home they grow up damaged mentally sometimes. I grew up to become a professional person with a great career but ended up alone due to the fact that I grew up in a dysfunctional family.

I am now at peace with myself and I try to love everybody unconditionally.

It is very hard for me to give advise to people who are trying to decide if they should divorce. This is why I just stay out of giving advise to people who ask if they should get a divorce.
I want to thank Joan, Lightbee, and Evelyn for being supportive of the new people asking for advise.
I am only good at giving advise on the process of filing for an anullment since I got my annullment approved last year. PEACE LaLucia/Astoria
 
dianna62 said:
i do understand about the"he is already married" thing.What im saying is that I always thought that the church only considered valid the marriage of 2 non-catholics, if they were married in a religious ceremony. I cant imagine that a wedding that was spur of the moment, because they had a baby and she had to have her license renewed and said:: "why dont we go ahead and get married " and a couple of days later ran to the courthouse and got married. Not much thought into this marriage it was a shotgun wedding and like I said before she left a man she was seeing to start dating him (my boyfriend) and shortly after their baby was born, she slept with her previous boyfriend, then she ruined my boyfriend financially because of her gambling problem and although he stuck by her thru it all, after 14 yrs. she contacted the old boyfriend again and traveled to be with him and when she got back, she told her husband that it was over and threw him out!! im saying, how can that marriage be valid in the churchs eyes? the bible says: “what God put together let no man set asunder” they were not joined by God and what i see there is no real commitment on her part! im not saying that my boyfriend would not go thru the process for me. im saying that if he was told that his marriage is valid and he cannot marry me, then im afraid it would turn him off and lose his desire to become Catholic! im so different from his ex. i married a much older man at 19 and stuck with him faithfully until he passed away 28 yrs later. How do u tell a man he cant marry a woman like that because he is married to a woman that all she did was hurt him! and he did not even marry her in a religious ceremony. im saying that in another group on this site I was told to stay away from this man because he is married and i should not date a man who is not free. people sometimes are too rigid and dont offer any compoassion
Click to expand...
Everything you just said may be grounds for a decree of nullity. The issue is that the only people that a “lack of form” would apply to would be Catholics because they are the only ones that are bound by Canonical laws at the time of their marriage. So it is not that the Church is saying it is not valid or it is valid - it is just saying at this point that the marriage is presumed valid until there is a decree due to the fact that there was no form as neither were Catholic bound by form.

I understand how dissappointing this must be - but know that God does not make mistakes. Take this time for extra discernment - and as he goes through this process he will be able to look at some of the decisions he made leading up to that marriage and be able to not repeat them in your own upcoming marriage should he receive that decree of nullity. God bless.
 
joanofarc2008 said:
Everything you just said may be grounds for a decree of nullity. The issue is that the only people that a “lack of form” would apply to would be Catholics because they are the only ones that are bound by Canonical laws at the time of their marriage. So it is not that the Church is saying it is not valid or it is valid - it is just saying at this point that the marriage is presumed valid until there is a decree due to the fact that there was no form as neither were Catholic bound by form.

I understand how dissappointing this must be - but know that God does not make mistakes. Take this time for extra discernment - and as he goes through this process he will be able to look at some of the decisions he made leading up to that marriage and be able to not repeat them in your own upcoming marriage should he receive that decree of nullity. God bless.
Click to expand...
I really agree with what joanofarc has said here. I know when I first found out I had to get an annulment that I was really upset and angry, and really annoyed that I would have to wait so long. But difficult as the process has been, I can honestly say that it has helped me face some difficult parts of my prior marriage that I would not have otherwise. There were issues that I thought were all the fault of my ex-husband, and yet I realised that some of those were mine. My current husband and I were able to work through those issues, and learned how to support each other in the hard times (something all couples needs to learn to do). It can be a very therapeutic process.

I guess what I’m trying to say is not to get caught up in what should have been, or worry about this process. Just take things one step at a time and trust that God has this in hand. He wouldn’t be leading you and your partner into this process if it wasn’t for your greater good. Take care.
 
I just wanted to say thank you to all the contributors on this topic. I just received notice that my Pauline Privilege has been granted. For those wondering, mine took 10 weeks. His annulment= 1 year. Thanks again for everyone’s help and what an incredible relief it is to be able to move forward in good standing!
 
I got an annulment last year. It was through the Seattle Archdiocese and only took about 4 months from the time I submitted it until the final decree. In a way, it’s kind of sad that it was that fast. In one way, I was glad to get it, but considering the circumstances surrounding my marriage and how it dissolved (My wife cheating on and leaving me), it was painful to see how easily the church declared it void. I would encourage all out there to pray and fight hard through all of this, especially if you have children. They are your life now. Your own happiness, your own love life needs to be put on hold until you can sort this all out. I have been divorced for about 2 years and I can say that it’s still hard! But seek God through all! Don’t give up!
 
CopyKat, I am soooo happy for you because now you can move on in your life.

PEACE, LaLucia/Astoria
 
Paul, Your problem first started with your ex-spouse being unfaithful to you. I am sure you wanted for her to stay with you nomatter what she did to mess up the marriage.
Once your ex-spouse decided to become unfaithful to you it meant that your marriage was over. I know it will be super hard for you to let go of the memory of your ex-spouse because you truly loved her but she chose to move on in her life without you.

When you went through your divorce that was your final chance to try to keep your ex-spouse to reconsider and stay with you but she didn’t want to do that I am guessing.

Your divorce was FINAL. That meant that you were free to apply for an annulment or not apply for one. You chose to apply for the annulment and the Tribunal judges saw that your marriage was never a valid marriage or they wouldn’t have approved your annulment.
GOD IS WITH YOU ALWAYS…and has some good plans for you if you try to become positive and move on in your life. Yes, it will take time to let go of your ex-spouse because it was her choice to let go of you. I know how you feel because I also had to learn to let go of my ex-spouse.
Please be happy with your annulment because if you got it within 4 months that means you had good evidence and were lucky to get it so fast. Some of us had to wait a long time and some people haven’t gotten theirs yet.

I do care about your feelings but you need to know that your marriage was never meant to be and that is why your annulment was approved. Please be happy. When you feel sad say a prayer right away to give you peace. PEACE BE WITH YOU ALWAYS!
LaLucia/Astoria
 
LaLucia said:
Tell your son-in-law to re-apply if he doesn’t get his annulment.Some people have applied twice and got their annulment.
Peace be with you, LaLucia
Click to expand...
He appealed and the case went to Rome. The annulment was granted after 18 months there. This is quick for Rome and was apparently due to it being " a straightforward case"
 
Hello, I am really impressed that the annulment case went to Rome/Vatican for final approval. God bless you all. Huggz, LaLucia/Astoria
 
Hi,

I’m dropping in to introduce myself. I’ve read this thread from time to time, but my divorce has only just become final in the last 10 days. I talked to a priest this morning about starting the annulment process.

Long story short, I was married for 22-1/2 years, through which there has been a lot of verbal and emotional abuse–criticisms, bullying, threatening physical violence, telling me I’m not good enough for his family, etc. 7 years ago, I started unraveling a long story of years of other women, secret e-mail accounts, and lies. He swore he never touched any of them. I found proof he slept with at least one, and I suspect there has been infidelity since the first days of marriage and before the marriage, too.

But I can’t prove it, except for the one instance. Just a lot of strange stories that don’t add up.

Finally, there was the financial infidelity, running up massive debt that quite possibly would have cost us the house (it’s in my name now, so the kids will not lose their home), lying to me about it, and running up debt on my card, too, without telling me (I found out when I deposited money and my automatic payment to my credit card that month had left a massive drop in my balance.)

I was told 18 years ago by an elderly priest to divorce him (well, he strongly hinted, including saying it’s no marriage.) I was told 3 years ago by two more priests that if I file, they will petition for annulment and that this is not a marriage.

So today I took the first step in the process. I already have quite a bit of The Story written up from the time I was discovering things. So some of the work is done. I’m a little daunted by the rest and will no doubt be back with questions.
 
Hello, It is very clear to me that you married a man who never planned to stay faithful to you and was planning to be abusive towards you.

You must go back and check out in your memory to find out who was abusive towards you in your childhood home, school, work, etc. You need to look at your flaws too because your petition can’t be one-sided. You married a lousy man and you need to find out why you married him. Did you really know what he was really like when you decided to marry him? Did you have to get married? Were you pushed into getting married?

There are many reasons why you chose to marry this man. So please look back and do a search of your brain to discover hidden information. Do you have a friend who knew you when you were young? Do you have a relative that remembers things that you forgot ? You need to talk to some of these people. Some will not be on your side but that is their problem not yours.

By talking to people who knew you before you got married and after you got married you will start to see where you made the mistake of marrying this man.

You can send me a private message if you want privacy to ask a question.

Take your time in answering the questions on the annulment papers. The pain of your divorce is still with you. As time passes you will get more information in your brain by remembering things you never thought about before. Do a self search of what you really want in a marriage and in life. That will bring you peace of mind.

I am here to be supportive of you and don’t really need to know all of the details of your marriage. I just want for you to get your annulment approved. PEACE, LaLucia/Astoria
 
Hi Astoria. It was so lovely to read your post about your childhood, which I know must seem odd to you. I had a very unhappy childhood in a dysfunctional family and it makes me feel so alone as all my friends talk with such affection and happy memories of their childhood and school days. I knew prior to my marriage that I would be miserable and my future husband would continue to be controling and abusive but I didn’t think someone like me deserved any better. However, as my children grew older I knew that I had to protect them from the same experience and found the strength to divorce him 5 years ago (which was a totally horrendous experience). I would love to be completely free with an annulment but I’m not sure I could cope with annother lengthy round of abuse and humilliation from him.
 
Alice_Southgate said:
Hi Astoria. It was so lovely to read your post about your childhood, which I know must seem odd to you. I had a very unhappy childhood in a dysfunctional family and it makes me feel so alone as all my friends talk with such affection and happy memories of their childhood and school days. I knew prior to my marriage that I would be miserable and my future husband would continue to be controling and abusive but I didn’t think someone like me deserved any better. However, as my children grew older I knew that I had to protect them from the same experience and found the strength to divorce him 5 years ago (which was a totally horrendous experience). I would love to be completely free with an annulment but I’m not sure I could cope with annother lengthy round of abuse and humilliation from him.
Click to expand...
You don’t have to have any dealings with your xh through the process. the diocese does this. This is a misconception which often will hinder people from starting the process. I do invite you to please check out our group which is closed and in my signature block and does include a Canon lawyer as well. One thing I would caution you on is that just because we go through the process does not mean that we do get a certain end to it. However, the process itself can be quite healing as long as we put this in the hands of God.
 
Alice Soutgate, When I applied for my annulment I never once spoke to my ex-spouse.

My Catholic adult son was the one who encouraged me to apply for the annulment.
It was this website where I found a support group to help me to express my feelings
and diappointments. Lots of people supported me here and some were negative people.
I was so angry I would blast the Looky Loos who just wanted to argue with me.
I know how to get rid of them… the trolls.

Your ex-spouse may say some mean things about you but it is okay because the Tribunal lawyers can see through your ex-spouse mean streak towards you. That will
be seen in your favor.

Negative ex-spouses will not be able to stop you from getting you annulment because you
are just asking to be free from a marriage that never should have taken place and was
not approved by God. It was not a sacrament of good faith.
You married a disfunctional person because you thought that was all you deserved.
That tells me that you have a very valid reason to apply for an annulment. Astoria
 
Hi -

My husband and I are in RCIA, and I am seeking annullment from a marriage that ended over 20 years ago. I began the process back in May, and there has been one delay after another (due to no fault of my own) in getting the process going with the tribunal side. Needless to say I am very sad and quite frustrated as I received word last night that after having been submitted twice in TN when I lived there, that since I have recently moved to TX, I now am once again in receipt of the case file and have to start from square one with my now local diocese.

While convalidation is a beautiful thing, we REALLY want this to go through for us so that we may be confirmed. Please pray for my annullment and for our full conversion.

Blessings -

Mattye
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top