Annulments/support group

[MJJean]

I have been watching this as well. My own annulment processhas been going on for almost 2 years now, mostly because the Tribunal is so short-staffed. Some days I pray for a time machine so I can go back and yell at my younger self to run from that church of my first wedding…

I am now at month 14. Still waiting for the Court of First Instance to make a decision. Our Tribunal is also short staffed. The only reason I don’t wish for a time machine is that I got my daughters out of the disaster that was my first “marriage”. I keep telling myself that what happened happened for a reason and that my past is what lead me to where I am today, so I try take the lessons I learned and use them as a silver lining to a very dark cloud.

 

[Tax_Collector14]

Don’t despair honey…it will work out…offer it all up for reparation of sins…seems unfair now, but the glorious day that we all sit in the presence of Jesus and look back, we will see how He repaid us 100-fold…there is a reason why we are all where we are…all of this suffering is redemptive. Hang in there, M!

 

[mariemargaret]

I recently came across this:

‘You cannot amputate your history from your destiny’ (credit to Beth Moore).

It’s pretty relevant for all of us dealing with difficult situations!

 

[MJJean]

Don’t despair honey…it will work out…offer it all up for reparation of sins…seems unfair now, but the glorious day that we all sit in the presence of Jesus and look back, we will see how He repaid us 100-fold…there is a reason why we are all where we are…all of this suffering is redemptive. Hang in there, M!

I recently came across this:

‘You cannot amputate your history from your destiny’ (credit to Beth Moore).

It’s pretty relevant for all of us dealing with difficult situations!

Thanks guys!

 

[sheteaches]

I’m glad that I found this thread. After all, this topic is exactly why I even came here. When I first began the annulment process, I was still in disbelief that I was getting a divorce in the first place. I couldn’t believe I had become that person. It was a huge blow to my self-esteem. This whole process is super emotional.

I fully realize that church does not HAVE to even investigate marriage validity. She could just presume all that who marry do so validly. I am grateful for the opportunity that the church is giving me by investigating and finding out if, in fact, family life is in my future. I married extremely young (21). Without going into the details, I am not here to discuss whether or not I have a valid marriage; I am more upset with the way in which annulments are processed in my diocese, and for all I know, in many of your dioceses.

Maybe it’s my personality, I don’t know, but I like to stay on top of things. This goes for all parts of my life. I’m organized and feel easily stressed when things linger. When I began this annulment process, I had no idea how silent things would be. You pour over every ounce of your life filling out the questionnaire. You prayerfully consider each question and try to elaborate and explain everything. That part of the process was so therapeutic. But once everything is sent out, days, weeks, months go by without hearing anything! I found out several months down the road that my witnesses’ testimony and my responses just sat on a desk because there were no personnel available to format the transcription. Basically, I found out there is someone who organizes all of the testimony into a certain format. MONTHS! MONTHS! MONTHS went by like this. If this is the case, I would have wanted to know. I need to know for my own sanity at what process everything is. It helps me to be patient. I e-mailed the lady at our diocese who is responsible for handling the annulments. I expressed to her that I was just wanting to know at what point in the process everything was in–had my witnesses all responded? Did I need to gently remind them to get their questions in?

She flat out ignored my e-mails at first. I e-mailed again and it was very short, to-the-point responses.

My patience dwindled.

People leave the church over stuff like this. They get frustrated, impatient, and eventually become bitter over time. I knew that I could not allow myself to become like this. I had to be patient and allow the necessary time to take place. AND, I am. I was. I did. But, this business of being the dark and ill-informed about the process is unacceptable.

This is my life. This is my future. I do not like not being able to know what is taking place. I feel like we have the right to understand our case and the process. If I want to e-mail every week (which I wouldn’t do), I should get a response.

I know that they are handling several cases. But how important is it to my diocese that I not pick up and leave because I feel so alone, so lost about what is happening in my life if they employ people who are unwilling to help me keep abreast of one of the most important decisions in my life!

Regardless of the final out, I feel like I just want to know the ball is actually rolling. And, this is impossible if you are shut out of your own case.

Am I just crazy? Am I just too high maintenance?

I’m growing very frustrated. I check the mail box everyday wanting to know SOMETHING. It’s been over a year.

I just expected more.

I won’t every leave the church, but I completely understand why some people cannot take this process.

 

[EvelynEVF]

AMEN. You are not high maintenance or unreasonable at all. AT ALL. It is appalling the way more than one diocese handles, or rather doesn’t handle, what is the most sensitive information, and it is offensive and hurtful to people who are very vulnerable. You can look up my story to see that you are far from alone. I used to think that people who left the church instead of starting or finishing the process were wimpy Catholics, but I totally get it now. Actually, I totally got it about three years ago, when my case first stalled.

 

[KatMB]

My fiance has been in the process of an annulment for 2 years and just received a denial letter. We are disappointed and confused as we worked very carefully with our advocate who said he believed my fiance would receive his annulment. We are now looking at the appeals process. Has anyone had any experience with this? Any guidance and support you have to offer is greatly appreciated. Thank you all and have a blessed day.

 

[dans0622]

…Regardless of the final out, I feel like I just want to know the ball is actually rolling. And, this is impossible if you are shut out of your own case. …

I’m growing very frustrated. I check the mail box everyday wanting to know SOMETHING. It’s been over a year.

I just expected more.

I won’t every leave the church, but I completely understand why some people cannot take this process.

Hello,

In my opinion, you should consider relaying a similar message to the bishop, to make him aware of your situation. Will anything positive come of it, for you? Who knows.

Dan

 

[dans0622]

My fiance has been in the process of an annulment for 2 years and just received a denial letter. We are disappointed and confused as we worked very carefully with our advocate who said he believed my fiance would receive his annulment. We are now looking at the appeals process. Has anyone had any experience with this? Any guidance and support you have to offer is greatly appreciated. Thank you all and have a blessed day.

Hello,

I’m familiar with it but there are lots of variables and more information is needed before any “guidance” could be offered. You can send me a private message, if you wish.

Dan

 

[EvelynEVF]

Sheteaches, I forgot to add that my case was moved along somewhat by direct and honest letters to the head judge (who is a parish pastor given 8 hours per week to devote to Tribunal matters), and then when he became unresponsive, I sent him a personal, handwritten card letting him know that I had put a letter in the mail to the judicial vicar. I didn’t make any accusation or put anything emotional or even personal in that one. I simply spelled out the timeline of my case, noting the months of nothingness that went by in between small steps, and I noted that if I didn’t have a response and/or see movement in 30 days that I would need to write to the bishop. I did not need to write to the bishop

 

[dans0622]

Sheteaches, I forgot to add that my case was moved along somewhat by direct and honest letters to the head judge (who is a parish pastor given 8 hours per week to devote to Tribunal matters), and then when he became unresponsive, I sent him a personal, handwritten card letting him know that I had put a letter in the mail to the judicial vicar. I didn’t make any accusation or put anything emotional or even personal in that one. I simply spelled out the timeline of my case, noting the months of nothingness that went by in between small steps, and I noted that if I didn’t have a response and/or see movement in 30 days that I would need to write to the bishop. I did not need to write to the bishop

Good point. Start low (the Judge in the case) and work your way up the ladder as long as nothing gets done. Don’t start off with the bishop.

Dan

 

[joanofarc2008]

I thank God every day that my ex chose not to participate. I am interested to see how Pope Francis’s awareness and discernment change the process.

 

[LaLucia]

IF YOU ARE ALREADY DIVORCED PLEASE DON’T GO TO THE OTHER THREAD.

This topic is only for people who are searching for ANNULMENTS ONLY.

I think that people who are not divorced yet should seek professional counseling to save their marriage if possible.

The Catholic rules are that people should already be divorced before seeking help for getting an annulment.

People who are seeking and trying to get information for getting a divorce have lots of problems in trying to decide if they should get a divorce or not. I have met those people. I prefer that those people try to save their marriages before looking at the possibility of an annulment.

Message to Joan, please try to be a good Catholic and stop trying to HI-JACK my topic of ANNULMENT. You always come here to take people away from this thread. I would appreciate it if you just found your own persons who are seeking a DIVORCE. La Lucia

 

[sheteaches]

Sheteaches, I forgot to add that my case was moved along somewhat by direct and honest letters to the head judge (who is a parish pastor given 8 hours per week to devote to Tribunal matters), and then when he became unresponsive, I sent him a personal, handwritten card letting him know that I had put a letter in the mail to the judicial vicar. I didn’t make any accusation or put anything emotional or even personal in that one. I simply spelled out the timeline of my case, noting the months of nothingness that went by in between small steps, and I noted that if I didn’t have a response and/or see movement in 30 days that I would need to write to the bishop. I did not need to write to the bishop

I didn’t know this was possible. I will give this a try. I, too, used to think of people who left because of the annulment process were “wimpy Catholics” but my mind has changed so much. I have so much more mercy when I look into families that tried to do what was right. I am going to give this a try. I’m super nervous.

 

[sheteaches]

Good point. Start low (the Judge in the case) and work your way up the ladder as long as nothing gets done. Don’t start off with the bishop.

Dan

Besides the “annulment secretary” I shall call her, who should be my next contact? The only other name I have is the Judical Vicar. Is that my next move?

 

[dans0622]

Besides the “annulment secretary” I shall call her, who should be my next contact? The only other name I have is the Judical Vicar. Is that my next move?

Hello,

You should have been informed as to who is assigned to the case as the Judge(s). That information would have been in one of the first letters you received from the tribunal. If there is more than one Judge, you would want to talk to the “presiding Judge.”

Dan

 

[MJJean]

Hello,

You should have been informed as to who is assigned to the case as the Judge(s). That information would have been in one of the first letters you received from the tribunal. If there is more than one Judge, you would want to talk to the “presiding Judge.”

Dan

Our archdiocese website says that the average annulment is complete within 12-18 months from the time the case is accepted and also adds that they cannot give a firm timeframe as every case is different and a lot of delays are caused by petitioners or respondents failing to reply as well as witnesses who fail to reply.

Now, I filed the paperwork last July…first week of is when my pastor, who is also my Procurator Advocate, submitted everything. I got a letter September 18 saying my case had been accepted and was asked to sign and return the official petition. I mailed it out later that day. In November I got a letter about a couple of witnesses who failed to respond and they were removed from the list. I still had 3 remaining witnesses who had replied, so my case was allowed to move forward. Publication of the Acts ended March 10th. As I have said before, I haven’t heard anything other than when I called to ask and was told my case was in line to be judged and there was nothing else I could do.

Since my case was accepted 14 months ago and I have still not received a First Instance decision, should I also try to contact the judge? If you think so, can you give me an idea of what I should say so as not to offer offense but to let him know that I would like to see something done asap?

 

[dans0622]

…Now, I filed the paperwork last July…first week of is when my pastor, who is also my Procurator Advocate, submitted everything. I got a letter September 18 saying my case had been accepted and was asked to sign and return the official petition. I mailed it out later that day. In November …

I haven’t heard anything other than when I called to ask and was told my case was in line to be judged and there was nothing else I could do.

Since my case was accepted 14 months ago and I have still not received a First Instance decision, should I also try to contact the judge? If you think so, can you give me an idea of what I should say so as not to offer offense but to let him know that I would like to see something done asap?

Hello,

So, you weren’t even told who the Judge is? It should have been communicated to you in a formal manner, in writing.

Anyway, it may happen that you won’t be able to speak to the Judge for whatever reason. If you can get through to him, I don’t think you have to say much other than ask for an update on where the case is, how many cases are “in front” of it, if there is anything you can do to help. A reminder of when the case was concluded is also appropriate, as well as a frank admission that you are getting a little impatient (if that is true) and are hoping and praying that the case finishes soon. Always try to speak while presuming the best in the Judge (i.e., that he is working as hard as he can and as quickly as he can).

I am a fan of communicating by writing. All of the Tribunal’s work is in writing (or should be) so that there is a verifiable record of what has happened. The problem there is that you will not be sure that the letter was read. So, a call followed quickly by a letter simply documenting what was said is ok, too, concluded with a gracious “thank you for your time and for speaking with me” sort of remark.

These opinions are not very educated… I have no personal experience with this problem, from any perspective.

Dan

 

[MJJean]

Hi, Dan. Yes, I do know the name of my assigned Judge. That was part of the official Petition letter the Tribunal sent. I just didn’t think it was ok to directly contact him. I thank you very much for your advice and I will try contacting the Judge by email since that is listed on the Tribunals web site. I’ll simply explain the situation and see if anything can be done to hasten the process or at least get some kind of estimated time frame.

 

[LaLucia]

Hello Jean, I think it is better to call the Judge’s office. You will get quick information from his office clerk. They can give you lots of information. For example the judge could be out of town on a vacation, they may be able to tell what your number is on the list, etc.
I remember how I used to get lots of info. from the person that would answer the phone. The people I talked with were very helpful. I remember one time I talked with a Nun who was very helpful. Plus, I received a better answer on a e-mail that I received.

Be prepared to ask questions on what level you are in your processing of your application.

Be sure to get that person’s name so you can stay in touch because as time passes and you keep proceeding ahead you can ask more questions on the process as you advance.

As time passes you will get new names to remember so you can call them. I remember the last person I talked with was an office clerk who was very nice and had the final information on what was the final process of my granting of my annulment.

I fit under the Canon Law code of : Defect of Consent.

A friend of mine said if you are having lots of problems and can afford a Canon Lawyer you will have a better chance of getting processed faster and possibly approved. I always think positive and I hope you get results soon before the major Holidays coming up. Holidays can slow down the process. La Lucia