:hug1: it sounds like you’ve been through so much with this. I wanted to tell you a little story. One time I had to confess possibly the worst thing I’ve ever done. I spent a week thinking and worrying about it, and as I was driving up to the church it was almost like a dream cause nothing felt real any more. I walked into the church shaking. I had to confess face to face cause the priest already saw me lol. Somehow, I got through the confession and I was afraid that he’d be shocked…but then he started talking, and I really felt like God just wanted to heal me. The priest said that if I could see Jesus right now, He wouldn’t be angry, but He would look at me with so much love in His eyes. I then realized that no matter what we do, that’s never enough to make God stop loving us. Remember how in the prodigal son story, the father ran to the son as he was coming back home? God wants to forgive us even more than we want to be forgiven.
It seems to me that what you want is more justice…is that correct? you feel horrible for what you’ve done and want a greater penance and it doesn’t make sense how God can still forgive. But this is how He is

we expect justice, and He just gives us mercy. This is why He came to earth and died. There’s an abyss between God and the creature, and it’s even worse because of our sins. But the abyss is filled with His mercy… and Jesus is the perfect representation of this mercy. That’s why He was born as a little baby 2000 years ago and then died nailed to the Cross. What He wants most of all is to heal us, and for us to trust Him enough to receive His forgiveness.
Have you ever read about the Divine Mercy devotion?
ewtn.com/devotionals/mercy/index.htm Jesus appeared to St Faustina and gave her this devotion and said “I do not want to punish mankind, but I desire to heal it, pressing it to My merciful Heart.”
God also understands the pain that caused you to do this. I think the fact that you feel contrition over this, rather than self pity, and are thinking of your husband, - that’s something I wish I had more. There was a time in my life when I went through a near breakdown too and said many things that upset my family. But for the longest time, I didn’t see that it hurt them and not just me. Now I feel very sad that I hurt them in this way. But try to open your heart to God’s forgiveness because I think He’s always very compassionate in times like these. Think of the Scriptures and how He was merciful to all the broken people and the contrite and the only ones who went away unforgiven were the proud Pharisees.
I think that it’s important that we are willing to be vulnerable with God. We need to allow Him to love us in our sin and in all the brokenness. Try to not hide all this from God, but come to Him with trust. St Therese said something that really encouraged me… she said:
“I am certain that, even if I had on my conscience every imaginable sin, I should lose nothing of my confidence, but would throw myself, heartbroken with sorrow, into the arms of my Saviour. I remember His love for the Prodigal Son; I have heard His words to Mary Magdalene, to the woman taken in adultery, and to the woman of Samaria. No, there is no one who could frighten me, for I know too well what to believe concerning His mercy and His love.”
His mercy is greater than our sins. When we go to Confession, we perhaps expect justice, but we just get His mercy, and perhaps a penance that we feel is way too small. In this way, God is trying to tell us that His mercy is endless and we can really trust Him… that we don’t have to argue with Him about our sinfulness. He knows it all already. Remember the only difference between St Peter and Judas, is that St Peter didn’t fall into despair

and so went on to be an Apostle and even the first Pope. Trust God and let Him heal you
Think of the Cross. All the sins of the world were put upon Jesus on the Cross. That’s much more than just your one sin. It doesn’t make any sense to us why God would want to forgive His creatures of how they hurt Him, by letting them murder Him. (wow) But that’s what love is. Think of all the things that Jesus was ready to forgive on the Cross. It’s over, it is finished.
If it really bothers you, you can talk to the priest about it in your next confession and ask for advice… but don’t doubt God’s mercy
hugs