Another family vs gay marriage thread

[on_the_hill]

ARGH!!! I typed a long post about gay marriage and it’s gone!!

Redux: My wife’s lesbian cousin is engaged to be married. She is in her late-20s.

My mother-in-law refuses to attend the ceremony.

My father-in-law says he will attend because their niece was never Catholic and is free to follow her conscience.

My wife says she’ll attend because it’s better to keep the family together, show an example of caring, loving, compassionate Catholics, and pray for her cousin’s conversion.

I say I can go my whole life without ever having witnessed a gay marriage and be completely happy. For me, it’s not particularly a question about religion. It’s just so foreign that I don’t want to have anything to do with it.

The niece/cousin lost her parents several years ago, one in a bizarre accident, and the other to cancer several months afterward. My in-laws have been her long distance surrogate parents since then. The cousin lives about 500 miles away.

Thought? We’re going to ask our priest. We think he’ll tell us to follow our consciences, and pray for the cousin. He might even tell us to attend the ceremony to help keep the family together, and pray. Regardless of what he says, I don’t want to go.

In my adult, mature view of this, it’s yucky.

 

[EasterJoy]

If you don’t want to go, then don’t. You don’t need to explain why unless you are asked. You ought to be unfailingly kind to your niece and the woman she has chosen to live with, but that does not mean going to a wedding you do not think is a wedding.

 

[Bruised_Reed]

If your wife went and you didn’t, together you would be giving witness in two ways. Your absence may not be that notable since it’s your wife’s cousin. And if you don’t go spend a holy hour during the time of the wedding or if you have kids, “offer up” the trials of solo kid-wrangling for her conversion.

I’m not sure if I get the “it’s yucky” part.

 

[Kicks]

You may do whatever you wish, for free-will will always be in effect. Stick to your principles and don’t force yourself to go!

In respect to your family member’s free-will, be sure not to judge others, including the lesbian.

 

[on_the_hill]

If your wife went and you didn’t, together you would be giving witness in two ways. Your absence may not be that notable since it’s your wife’s cousin. And if you don’t go spend a holy hour during the time of the wedding or if you have kids, “offer up” the trials of solo kid-wrangling for her conversion.

I’m not sure if I get the “it’s yucky” part.

Well, the kids give me an easy out, that’s true. There’s no way we’d take them 500 miles for this, so someone will have to stay home with them.

As for being yucky, that would probably apply more to gay rather than lesbian relationships. But regardless, the whole notion and lifestyle is so absolutely foreign to me that I don’t want to have anything to do with it.

Now that push had come to shove, I’m finding it hard to follow the concept of loving my neighbor and not judging people. I really like Pope Francis, but I’m being very challenged at the moment.

 

[on_the_hill]

I’ll add that in 18+ years of marriage this is the first time my wife and I are so immovable in our opposition to one another.

 

[EasterJoy]

Well, the kids give me an easy out, that’s true. There’s no way we’d take them 500 miles for this, so someone will have to stay home with them.

As for being yucky, that would probably apply more to gay rather than lesbian relationships. But regardless, the whole notion and lifestyle is so absolutely foreign to me that I don’t want to have anything to do with it.

Now that push had come to shove, I’m finding it hard to follow the concept of loving my neighbor and not judging people. I really like Pope Francis, but I’m being very challenged at the moment.

The Pope has been very clear about his opposition to same-sex marriage, even in secular law. In no way would he expect you to attend one. All he would ask you to do is to refrain from judging the soul of your wife’s cousin or her culpability for what she is doing. Speak the truth, defend what is right, but still remember that judgment belongs to God.

 

[Kicks]

Well, the kids give me an easy out, that’s true. There’s no way we’d take them 500 miles for this, so someone will have to stay home with them…

Then there’s no argument! Taking care of your children and providing a stable, happy environment for them is #1!

Don’t feel guilty about not attending. It’s your choice.

Now that push had come to shove, I’m finding it hard to follow the concept of loving my neighbor and not judging people. I really like Pope Francis, but I’m being very challenged at the moment.

Aren’t all of us being challenged every single day?

@EasterJoy
I agree!

 

[jmr_1985]

Now that push had come to shove, I’m finding it hard to follow the concept of loving my neighbor and not judging people. I really like Pope Francis, but I’m being very challenged at the moment.

We judge actions, not people. We love sinners and hate sin. These situations are difficult, especially when it puts you against your family, particularly your wife. But, your conscience is telling you the right decision here. The problem is not that you aren’t showing love by not attending, it is that you are cooperating in a sinful activity, that goes against divine law, by attending.

The Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith has been very clear on instructing Catholics not to attend so-called same sex “marriages”:

In those situations where homosexual unions have been legally recognized or have been given the legal status and rights belonging to marriage, clear and emphatic opposition is a duty. One must refrain from any kind of formal cooperation in the enactment or application of such gravely unjust laws and, as far as possible, from material cooperation on the level of their application. In this area, everyone can exercise the right to conscientious objection.

vatican.va/roman_curia/congregations/cfaith/documents/rc_con_cfaith_doc_20030731_homosexual-unions_en.html

Remember the words of our Lord on discipleship:

Whoever comes to me and does not hate father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters, yes, and even life itself, cannot be my disciple. Whoever does not carry the cross and follow me cannot be my disciple.

Again, I know this is so very difficult, but you really are on to something by your feelings that you should not attend.

 

[ClearWater]

ARGH!!! I typed a long post about gay marriage and it’s gone!!

Redux: My wife’s lesbian cousin is engaged to be married. She is in her late-20s.

My mother-in-law refuses to attend the ceremony.

My father-in-law says he will attend because their niece was never Catholic and is free to follow her conscience.

My wife says she’ll attend because it’s better to keep the family together, show an example of caring, loving, compassionate Catholics, and pray for her cousin’s conversion.

I say I can go my whole life without ever having witnessed a gay marriage and be completely happy. For me, it’s not particularly a question about religion. It’s just so foreign that I don’t want to have anything to do with it.

The niece/cousin lost her parents several years ago, one in a bizarre accident, and the other to cancer several months afterward. My in-laws have been her long distance surrogate parents since then. The cousin lives about 500 miles away.

Thought? We’re going to ask our priest. We think he’ll tell us to follow our consciences, and pray for the cousin. He might even tell us to attend the ceremony to help keep the family together, and pray. Regardless of what he says, I don’t want to go.

In my adult, mature view of this, it’s yucky.

Based on what you said, I’d say not to go.

 

[Nacho45]

All I can say is what I would or would not do. I would NOT attend and if anyone asked why, I WOULD tell them.

They may be upset, but then I would ask why they were trying to force their views on me. Turn the situation around on them.

But, I have never been politically sensitive.

I have faced similar situations with my wife on different matters and my response usually is, “I’m the one who has to look at my face in the mirror everyday.”

 

[glamourdollxoxo]

I would just decline the invite and leave it at that without going into a spiel. You have your kids to watch anyways so I don’t think anyone would keep pushing the issue.

 

[Corki]

It sounds like keeping the family together with regard to this “wedding” is off the table since your mother-in-law isn’t going. Obviously, we are only looking at this from a distance but my heart really goes out to her. Not only must her heart be breaking over her granddaughter’s choices but she must be feeling isolated from the rest of the family.

Maybe you can shift the focus from the niece to your mother-in-law and see what you can do to be a support to her.

 

[ServusHumilis]

My cousin and her friend are also getting “married” soon. I don’t think it will be a big family wedding and even if I was invited I wouldn’t go. They are both very nice people though but I personally couldn’t support such a thing.

 

[Sparkythedog]

In my adult, mature view of this, it’s yucky.

My advise would be to stay home. Imagine it this way. If someone thought that your relationship with your wife was “yucky”, would you want that person at your wedding? I wouldn’t. You’re doing your wife’s cousin a favour by staying home, as is your mother-in-law. They don’t need you there. The people they need are the ones that want to be there.

 

[mommy_k]

In situations like this we need to be Christ centered. We are to show compassion to broken people. We can be totally against someones lifestyle and choices, but we shoud not add another layer of brokenness, such as conditional love, as this is an impediment to his kingdom.

You know your relationship with this person. If it will deeply affect them if you are not there, then I would go. You can skip the ceremony, and go to the party.

If it is not a big deal for them, then I would not go. You can be for a cause such as against gay marriage, but it should not impede your realtionship with Christ.

I commend you for being so upright in your cause, and standing up to moral principles.The hard part is to examine what Christ would want you to do.

 

[EasterJoy]

In situations like this we need to be Christ centered. We are to show compassion to broken people. We can be totally against someones lifestyle and choices, but we shoud not add another layer of brokenness, such as conditional love, as this is an impediment to his kingdom.

You know your relationship with this person. If it will deeply affect them if you are not there, then I would go. You can skip the ceremony, and go to the party.

If it is not a big deal for them, then I would not go. You can be for a cause such as against gay marriage, but it should not impede your realtionship with Christ.

I commend you for being so upright in your cause, and standing up to moral principles.The hard part is to examine what Christ would want you to do.

This is very hard, because I don’t think this is what I would do if a relative were engaging in polygamy. I wouldn’t go to that wedding, not even the reception, because the reception celebrates the union. I mean this is a bit different than having a difference of opinion over whether a heterosexual couple is actually free to marry. When it is as plain as the nose on anyone’s face that the marriage is illicit, why would it be “conditional love” to say so? Real love requires both mercy and truth, because what is the kindness in giving tacit approval to a falsehood?

“Do not accept anything as the truth if it lacks love, and do not accept anything as love which lacks truth! One without the other becomes a destructive lie.” John Paul II, at the canonization of St. Teresa Benedicta of the Cross

 

[mommy_k]

This is very hard, because I don’t think this is what I would do if a relative were engaging in polygamy. I wouldn’t go to that wedding, not even the reception, because the reception celebrates the union. I mean this is a bit different than having a difference of opinion over whether a heterosexual couple is actually free to marry. When it is as plain as the nose on anyone’s face that the marriage is illicit, why would it be “conditional love” to say so? Real love requires both mercy and truth, because what is the kindness in giving tacit approval to a falsehood?

“Do not accept anything as the truth if it lacks love, and do not accept anything as love which lacks truth! One without the other becomes a destructive lie.” John Paul II, at the canonization of St. Teresa Benedicta of the Cross

As always, Easterjoy you make excellent points. To live a Christ centered life looks different for everyone- some are called to defend the laws of the church, some are called to pray unceasingly for a return to morality, and some are called to console sinners with unconditonal love through demonstration for an individual sinner. Most times it is a combination of everything listed above, other times we must rely on the one unique, predominate strength that Christ blessed us with to face a huge problem like this.

This is what makes us all an important part of His church. It is up to the original poster to examine what Christ is asking of him in this situation. We are to show our love to Christ and Christ alone in this, and follow His lead. I believe Christ speaks through individual strengths differently for the same result.

As you see from my answer- I could still attend, it would show my realitive that even though I am totally against this marriage, I am here, because this is how Jesus wants me to love Him.

 

[CarolNoel]

This is very hard, because I don’t think this is what I would do if a relative were engaging in polygamy. I wouldn’t go to that wedding, not even the reception, because the reception celebrates the union. I mean this is a bit different than having a difference of opinion over whether a heterosexual couple is actually free to marry. When it is as plain as the nose on anyone’s face that the marriage is illicit, why would it be “conditional love” to say so? Real love requires both mercy and truth, because what is the kindness in giving tacit approval to a falsehood?

“Do not accept anything as the truth if it lacks love, and do not accept anything as love which lacks truth! One without the other becomes a destructive lie.” John Paul II, at the canonization of St. Teresa Benedicta of the Cross

Very well said.

 

[Allegra]

I think you are right not to attend this and I don’t think it’s a great idea for your wife to go. Unless she actually does support this sort of thing, attending seems like a lie to me and I don’t think its kind to lie to your loved ones and affirm harmful choices just to make them happy. There’s something to be said for minding your own business, but this invitation sort of calls the question. However, even if you don’t go, it is important that you don’t treat the cousin like you think that she is yucky, even if the idea of “you may now kiss the brides” makes you squimish.