Another My Boyfriend is Discerning Priesthood Post... :/

[egretps]

The lovely Dorothy Cummings McLean has two old blog posts you should look at–not exactly your situation, but you may recognize some aspects:

seraphicsinglescummings.blogspot.com/2010/10/discern-this-drama-boy.html

seraphicsinglescummings.blogspot.com/2010/12/auntie-seraphic-ex-seminarians.html

In case you don’t get around to clicking, some ground rules:

1. Don’t date and date and date and date and date the same guy.

If you are a grown up person (and you are) it shouldn’t take multiple years to decide to marry or not marry. It should be getting clearer and clearer with every month.

1. Don’t let a guy who is discerning the priesthood create a situation where you need to compete with his vocation.

If he is discerning, let him discern…all by himself.

1. Take care of you.

This too! /\ Excellent advice all over the Forum today.

ColeyConoli, I can tell that even amid your current distress, you’ve got a good solid foundation of Faith. This will help you.

I found this video also and thought when you have a moment you might get a ‘kick’ outta Fr. Ripperger. He could probably be a Catholic Chaplin, a real tough cookie, strait shooter, and nononsense.

youtu.be/6VQoSgSQYAI

Love this because I even in my current vocation need to sometimes discern God’s Will. I want to return to work, but my kids are still living at home, no longer young, but they need an adult around. That video helped me. Oh and all the prayers and advice from the CAF!

God bless you, and remember you are precious and there are many praying for you.

 

[phil19034]

I heard Father Michael Gaitley speak a little about this. There was a girl in college who was in love with him. When he realized he was being called to the priesthood, he told her and she was sad, but understood. She eventually became a nun and still sends him letters and prays for him constantly.

The only way your boyfriend can determine if he’s meant for the priesthood is to stop dating you. If he’s meant to be with you, the absences will lead him back to you. But, if he’s meant to be a priest… priests with the kind of background you mention often make great priests.

Don’t just pray for yourself, but also pray for him. Pray that he clearly hears God’s calling and follows the right path.

BTW - spiritual directors and vocation directors do not pressure or convince anyone to join the priesthood. They simply help the man listen to his own thoughts and listen to God. God is obviously calling your boyfriend to something.

As a personal note, I sometimes wonder if I missed a calling to the priesthood. I was friends with a seminarian when I was in college and seriously thought about it then. But I was seriously lacking any catechesis. I left the church to follow my own desires, married someone outside the faith, and later re-converted to the Church after I learned more about what the Church teaches. I strongly believe I have a calling to something. If I was single, I would enroll in the seminary to at least see if that was what I was called to do. But since I’m married, I know I’m not called to the priesthood. But I wonder if I’m called to the diaconate or not? But I can never find out if I have/had a priesthood calling unless something (God forbid) happens to my wife.

Your boyfriend, however, has a chance to answer that question once and for all now. Give him the chance to make sure he isn’t being called to the priesthood. This doesn’t mean he doesn’t want to marry you. He very well might want to marry you, but is also feeling this calling. I’m sure it’s tearing him up. But he needs to find out now, which is fair to BOTH you and him.

In regards to the diaconate, some men are truly not called to the diaconate. Look at all the create Catholic teachers like Dr. Scott Hahn, Dr. Edward Sri, Tim Staples, etc. None of them are Deacons, even though some like Scott Hahn and Tim Staples used to be Protestant ministers. For some, it’s priesthood or nothing.

I know this is difficult for you, but he’s obviously a great person for you to love him so much. Give your suffering up to the Lord and know that whatever is happening is part of His plan.

I pray that The Holy Spirit grants you comfort and peace.

 

[PapyrusDouay]

I’m not entirely certain what to say, but my perspective might be unique. My story is almost identical to Evan’s, I was just a few years younger, and was in a relationship for 5 years rather than 3.

What I can tell you, is he is not just telling you “what you want to hear”, I can personally confirm the emotions he told you he is feeling, having gone through them myself. Breaking up with her was by FAR the hardest part of my discernment process to date. I also had the fear that “what if I discern out and she’s with somebody else” fears that you mentioned he said to you. I also know what he means by not wanting to end the relationship, but feeling like he should. I didn’t want to break up with my girlfriend at all, and a big part of me did want to marry her, (and just like you, we had also discussed it as a possibility). It felt for me just like how you’re describing it feels to you. I also felt like I lost my best friend.

What I realized though, was that I was attracted to HER, and was interested in marrying HER. I was otherwise indifferent to the idea of being married and having kids. And for me, that was confirmation on my end. If the draw to MARRIAGE, was what I was hung up on, I probably would have discerned out by now. I can’t speak to that aspect for him, as that’s between him and God, and with a good spiritual director he’all be able to make a good decision.

As for my relationship with my former girlfriend, I still consider her one of my best friends, and she still considers me one of hers. In fact we both agree our relationship is better now; it’s healthier and actually more open. We have the freedom to talk about some things we never did when we were dating, without the fear of creating some sort of animosity or judgment in the other. One thing she told me that stuck with me is “I don’t want to lose you at all, but if I’m going to lose you to anyone I’m glad it’s God”. She didn’t date for a while after, and I also felt like I was holding on to something with her. The best thing for me, and undoubtably for her as well was for her to start dating again. She was able to move on, and I felt like I could fully “let go”, and not worry about any possibility of rekindling a romantic relationship with verified discern out of religious life.

But our relationship is still excellent, just different. She didn’t “lose” me, the relationship just changed significantly, to where she is now one of my biggest supporters. She even told me that she would want me to preside over her wedding if I get ordained and she gets married. And I absolutely would without a second thought.

Feel free to ask him questions. I’m sure he is telling the truth. Everything you’ve said that he said so far are the same things I felt. God works mysteriously, and you never know what will happen. I also know someone who broke up with his girlfriend for the same reasons, after a month he decided religious life wasn’t for him, and is now happily married to the same girl he broke up with. Just be open to God, and everything will work out for the best in the end.

 

[coleycannoli]

If anything listening to that video has helped give me a new perspective on why I couldn’t be in religious life!!!

This too! /\ Excellent advice all over the Forum today.

ColeyConoli, I can tell that even amid your current distress, you’ve got a good solid foundation of Faith. This will help you.

I found this video also and thought when you have a moment you might get a ‘kick’ outta Fr. Ripperger. He could probably be a Catholic Chaplin, a real tough cookie, strait shooter, and nononsense.

youtu.be/6VQoSgSQYAI

Love this because I even in my current vocation need to sometimes discern God’s Will. I want to return to work, but my kids are still living at home, no longer young, but they need an adult around. That video helped me. Oh and all the prayers and advice from the CAF!

God bless you, and remember you are precious and there are many praying for you.

 

[coleycannoli]

Thanks for your perspective. I am still afraid of the future you know. I have ‘prepped’ myself in my mind for him leaving me, but now that it actually happened im reacting no way as well as I thought I would. That’s why I thought maybe I was the wrong one. To feel the negative feelings I had felt before. I needed to be stronger.

But even so, I am scared. The thing that scares me is I know he would be an excellent priest. He has the personality for it but he has also been told he has qualities that would make a great father and husband, which I certainly saw in him.

I dont want to move on and maybe its better I really truly stay single for a significant amount of time, like 1-2 years. At this point im already closer to 30 and already waited 3 years for nothing to happen, so why not wait more.

I don’t know what will happen. I appreciate all the wisdom, everyone. I know the most I need to do is pray and that’s even hard when im in so much pain.

I’m not entirely certain what to say, but my perspective might be unique. My story is almost identical to Evan’s, I was just a few years younger, and was in a relationship for 5 years rather than 3.

What I can tell you, is he is not just telling you “what you want to hear”, I can personally confirm the emotions he told you he is feeling, having gone through them myself. Breaking up with her was by FAR the hardest part of my discernment process to date. I also had the fear that “what if I discern out and she’s with somebody else” fears that you mentioned he said to you. I also know what he means by not wanting to end the relationship, but feeling like he should. I didn’t want to break up with my girlfriend at all, and a big part of me did want to marry her, (and just like you, we had also discussed it as a possibility). It felt for me just like how you’re describing it feels to you. I also felt like I lost my best friend.

What I realized though, was that I was attracted to HER, and was interested in marrying HER. I was otherwise indifferent to the idea of being married and having kids. And for me, that was confirmation on my end. If the draw to MARRIAGE, was what I was hung up on, I probably would have discerned out by now. I can’t speak to that aspect for him, as that’s between him and God, and with a good spiritual director he’all be able to make a good decision.

As for my relationship with my former girlfriend, I still consider her one of my best friends, and she still considers me one of hers. One thing she told me that stuck with me is “I don’t want to lose you at all, but if I’m going to lose you to anyone I’m glad it’s God”. She didn’t date for a while after, and I also felt like I was holding on to something with her. The best thing for me, and undoubtably for her as well was for her to start dating again. She was able to move on, and I felt like I could fully “let go”, and not worry about any possibility of rekindling a romantic relationship with verified discern out of religious life.

But our relationship is still excellent, just different. She didn’t “lose” me, the relationship just changed significantly, to where she is now one of my biggest supporters. She even told me that she would want me to preside over her wedding if I get ordained and she gets married. And I absolutely would without a second thought.

Feel free to ask him questions. I’m sure he is telling the truth. Everything you’ve said that he said so far are the same things I felt. God works mysteriously, and you never know what will happen. I also know someone who broke up with his girlfriend for the same reasons, after a month he decided religious life wasn’t for him, and is now happily married to the same girl he broke up with. Just be open to God, and everything will work out for the best in the end.

 

[InThePew]

Whatever he decides, it has to come from him. And the only way he is going to decide is if you leave him alone. No psychology, guilt trips, crying, pleading, whining. It’s not fair. Leave him to figure it out on his own. If he decides he wants you, fine, but it has to come from him.

This - very much this.

Discerning a vocation to the priesthood and indeed, even entering the seminary, is not the same thing as “becoming a priest”. Any guy in a seminary is discerning a vocation - albeit with a certain degree of seriousness; that does not however mean that they will necessarily go on to be ordained. While there’s a certain degree of commitment involved simply in applying and entering the whole seminary process is geared towards discernment rather than expecting definitive commitments from day one.

Having said that, I would at the same time also echo the very sound advice of Irishmom2. Give him time sna space to discern and also make sure you do the same for yourself. It may well be that you do eventually end up back together but then again you also might not. Just don’t go holding yourself back from other relationship in the hope that he might return - that’s not going to do either of you any good.

 

[coleycannoli]

This - very much this.

Discerning a vocation to the priesthood and indeed, even entering the seminary, is not the same thing as “becoming a priest”. Any guy in a seminary is discerning a vocation - albeit with a certain degree of seriousness; that does not however mean that they will necessarily go on to be ordained. While there’s a certain degree of commitment involved simply in applying and entering the whole seminary process is geared towards discernment rather than expecting definitive commitments from day one.

Having said that, I would at the same time also echo the very sound advice of Irishmom2. Give him time sna space to discern and also make sure you do the same for yourself. It may well be that you do eventually end up back together but then again you also might not. Just don’t go holding yourself back from other relationship in the hope that he might return - that’s not going to do either of you any good.

It just sucks because pretty much what I am being told is I have to get over all this. I am stubborn, I just don’t want anyone but him. I cried and pleaded and begged God. I would do anything to get him back. Maybe I wasn’t praying enough? I wasn’t praying for the right things? I wasn’t following through with my own spiritual direction? I had some bad falling outs with friends this past year. I failed a graduate class, struggled, struggled with my youth ministry job. I just feel if I was so much happier, better maybe this wouldn’t happen. Its so hard not to think its my fault even though I am being told its not.

I felt like so much has been happening to me the only thing left to be taken away was the one I love the one I was happy with.

It sucks I don’t get to see my spiritual director until monday.

 

[Irishmom2]

I cried and pleaded and begged God. I would do anything to get him back. Maybe I wasn’t praying enough? I wasn’t praying for the right things? I wasn’t following through with my own spiritual direction? I had some bad falling outs with friends this past year. I failed a graduate class, struggled, struggled with my youth ministry job. I just feel if I was so much happier, better maybe this wouldn’t happen. Its so hard not to think its my fault even though I am being told its not.

It doesn’t work like that. God isn’t punishing you. But he doesn’t always give us what we want, he gives us what we need, which is His will for us.

There is a lot of “I” in your post. What about the man you say you love? Doesn’t anything he needs matter? All we are hearing is what you want. If you truly love this man, you would want him to find out his truth. You should be willing to let him go and maybe it won’t be the ending you are hoping for, no one here can tell you for certainty what that will be. But you do not want to keep him from discerning by crying, pleading or making him feel guilty. Even if it worked, it would be false, and it would set up a terrible dynamic in your relationship.

So yes, you do need to let him go. Calmly, dry eyed, and peacefully.

And while he is gone, you should work on the other areas of your life that you mentioned that may need some attention: doing well in graduate school courses, repairing relationships, your ministry job. Perhaps you have struggled because you have not devoted enough time to them. Or, you were distracted by your all consuming relationship. The one you have admitted you did a lot of the “sparking” in. Maybe you need to find a bit more of yourself at this time. Learn to be more happy with yourself, because you cannot love someone fully if you do not first love yourself.

Take a deep breath. No, it is not easy, but you can do it. God is there to comfort you, support you, and strengthen you. Give all of your worries to Him, and trust in His will for you, not your will. May God bless you and guide you.

 

[Xantippe]

It just sucks because pretty much what I am being told is I have to get over all this. I am stubborn, I just don’t want anyone but him. I cried and pleaded and begged God. I would do anything to get him back. Maybe I wasn’t praying enough? I wasn’t praying for the right things? I wasn’t following through with my own spiritual direction? I had some bad falling outs with friends this past year. I failed a graduate class, struggled, struggled with my youth ministry job. I just feel if I was so much happier, better maybe this wouldn’t happen. Its so hard not to think its my fault even though I am being told its not.

I felt like so much has been happening to me the only thing left to be taken away was the one I love the one I was happy with.

It sucks I don’t get to see my spiritual director until monday.

It sounds like you’ve got some stuff to work on.

Read the Seraphic Singles links I gave you about discerning boyfriends and cutting them lose.

I actually think you need to be more selfish–at least in the following ways.

–Don’t be chasing a man that isn’t chasing you wholeheartedly.
–Don’t accept being in competition (either with a possible vocation or another woman) for the man you love.
–Don’t be dating anybody else for **three **years.

 

[coleycannoli]

It sounds like you’ve got some stuff to work on.

Read the Seraphic Singles links I gave you about discerning boyfriends and cutting them lose.

I actually think you need to be more selfish–at least in the following ways.

–Don’t be chasing a man that isn’t chasing you wholeheartedly.
–Don’t accept being in competition (either with a possible vocation or another woman) for the man you love.
–Don’t be dating anybody else for **three **years.

The thing that makes this all crazy is it certainly did not begin this way. Him and I had a very loving relationship that was pointing in the same direction. Sure there were struggles, and I was expecting that but I am just in utter shock that it came to this. I know I cannot compete as hard as it is. At this point it feels like I don’t want to date anyone ever -_-’

I did read through some of those links. Its just hard and weird trying to make sense of all this. I know that none of this is set in stone but its the unknown that scares me. I definitely don’t want to run off with a rebound (been there done that), and at the same time the thought of ANY guy that is not Evan makes me upset.

It doesn’t make sense to me how one person can desire marriage then suddenly think maybe they should be a priest? I know I am making it sound simpler than it is, but he hasn’t really explained that to me. Most strong Catholics I know always talk about religious orders or life that they are attracted to but didn’t mean it was their calling. I have even talked about such things.

I mean the fact that he was only confirmed less than 3 years ago could have something to do with it meaning a lot of this is still somewhat new and he never had to think about this before becoming fully Catholic who knows.

And again, thank you all for your words. I am listening and taking it in. I am a bit irrational since this happened on Tuesday.

 

[Xantippe]

This might also be a good time to start working with a therapist (or even just seeing student counseling if you’re still in school) and/or talking to your doctor about doing a psychological evaluation.

You describe a lot of drama in your life, and it might be something that requires medication to smooth out your moods a little and/or keep you from bouncing around. I know it’s embarrassing, but I think you should consider the possibility that there’s some bad brain chemistry that’s keeping you from functioning at your best.

 

[coleycannoli]

This might also be a good time to start working with a therapist (or even just seeing student counseling if you’re still in school) and/or talking to your doctor about doing a psychological evaluation.

You describe a lot of drama in your life, and it might be something that requires medication to smooth out your moods a little and/or keep you from bouncing around. I know it’s embarrassing, but I think you should consider the possibility that there’s some bad brain chemistry that’s keeping you from functioning at your best.

Well, I won’t deny the therapy piece because I have known I need to go back for a while. As far as “bad brain chemistry” im a bit offended because I have a background in Psychology, human services and anthropology so I know I probably just need some cognitive behavioral… If that’s the case we all need it by the way you are describing.

I have an understanding that I am in an upset state and have been through much the past year. I will be working things out as this seemed to be the breaking point for me.

 

[Xantippe]

Well, I won’t deny the therapy piece because I have known I need to go back for a while. As far as “bad brain chemistry” im a bit offended because I have a background in Psychology, human services and anthropology so I know I probably just need some cognitive behavioral… If that’s the case we all need it by the way you are describing.

I have an understanding that I am in an upset state and have been through much the past year. I will be working things out as this seemed to be the breaking point for me.

Well, you mentioned a pretty erratic previous relationship history: “And he’s has a few very long relationships and I had unfortunately too many short lived and friends with benefits relationships, so I am not a novice at all this. Each time I found someone I felt like I was closer to living out the relationship God wants and being with the one. And I was truly convinced it was him.”

It would be great if just therapy could help you, but you describe yourself having a lot of drama, trouble with friendships, trouble with work, and many low-quality previous relationships. That’s a whole lotta bad and it mostly predates your current crisis.

 

[egretps]

Coleycannoli,

I am not going to suggest drugs. I do think you have a good head on your shoulders and that during this difficult time you’ve been putting one foot in front of the other and even now your voice through the postings is pretty clear and self aware.

I was young a long time ago, before the ‘friends with benefits’ phrase was invented. People did that back then. I can only imagine how much harder it is to live today in this culture. Thank God we have the Sacraments and Saints for encouragement. Sometimes each other.

I’m pretty certain everything else you have written about since that time in your life has been pretty stable. I applaud you for working in youth ministry, as a guiding soul and for working on your master’s degree. I think your friend Evan is right. You helped each other along towards a better version of yourselves, maybe more what God was hoping for you as individuals.

Which reminds me, Blessed Charles of Austria told Zita his bride on their wedding day, “Now, we must help each other to get to Heaven.”

That makes me misty from the Beauty of that statement.

I think your ability to look for some (name removed by moderator)ut here and potentially considering going back in therapy to help get through this rough spot is exemplary. I have sought out counseling more than once in my life to have a safe objective place to go to sound out or find ways to cope. (I can’t say that just talking things out with friends or family works. Sometimes they add to the drama!) I recommend it to people who seem open to it.

So Bravo to you ColeyConnolli!

God Bless you and remember you are in my prayers.

 

[coleycannoli]

Coleycannoli,

I am not going to suggest drugs. I do think you have a good head on your shoulders and that during this difficult time you’ve been putting one foot in front of the other and even now your voice through the postings is pretty clear and self aware.

I was young a long time ago, before the ‘friends with benefits’ phrase was invented. People did that back then. I can only imagine how much harder it is to live today in this culture. Thank God we have the Sacraments and Saints for encouragement. Sometimes each other.

I’m pretty certain everything else you have written about since that time in your life has been pretty stable. I applaud you for working in youth ministry, as a guiding soul and for working on your master’s degree. I think your friend Evan is right. You helped each other along towards a better version of yourselves, maybe more what God was hoping for you as individuals.

Which reminds me, Blessed Charles of Austria told Zita his bride on their wedding day, “Now, we must help each other to get to Heaven.”

That makes me misty from the Beauty of that statement.

I think your ability to look for some (name removed by moderator)ut here and potentially considering going back in therapy to help get through this rough spot is exemplary. I have sought out counseling more than once in my life to have a safe objective place to go to sound out or find ways to cope. (I can’t say that just talking things out with friends or family works. Sometimes they add to the drama!) I recommend it to people who seem open to it.

So Bravo to you ColeyConnolli!

God Bless you and remember you are in my prayers.

Thank you for your empathy and kindness. This hasn’t been easy to say the least. I spoke yesterday with the Voc Dir, as well as a good friend who is in the seminary just to maybe get the other side. I want to hard to understand what he is going through, though I know I may never.

I know in ways life will get easier and there is a God sized hole in my heart right now. But its so difficult when I was so in love and so ready for this next step with him. Its hard not to imagine…

Its not like ive never been hurt before, but its tough because Evan knew my experiences and everything and it still happened anyway. This situation is far different than any other I’ve been in so coping with it isn’t easy.

I still just wish I could be in his arms again, where I felt safe and secure.

 

[Irishmom2]

I know in ways life will get easier and there is a God sized hole in my heart right now.

Only God can fill a God sized hole.

 

[pianistclare]

Only God can fill a God sized hole.

Amen.
Did it ever occur to you that he waited so long to tell you because he was afraid of just this?

I’ll echo what the Seraphic Single said " Don’t compete with his vocation."

It won’t win you brownie points with him or the Lord.

Good luck.

 

[Xantippe]

Amen.
Did it ever occur to you that he waited so long to tell you because he was afraid of just this?

I’ll echo what the Seraphic Single said " Don’t compete with his vocation."

It won’t win you brownie points with him or the Lord.

Good luck.

And, just from a mercenary point of view, he needs an opportunity to miss you.

 

[pianistclare]

I don’t think it was prudent to give info about your former boyfriend to the Vocations Director. That’s not yours to mess with. I’m surprised he didn’t cut the meeting short.

Please.

Give the guy some space.

You say you want the other side.

Here’s the other side:

“I will make you fishers of men”
From next Sunday’s Gospel. I am praying for you.

If he comes back, great. But given his history of not being frank with you, I think in the future you will be very glad it all happened this way.
If I’m wrong, fine.

But you have to accept that for now, it’s not the relationship you were hoping for. It may never be. You seem like a very good young woman, very kind and compassionate.
Why do you think no one else can or will ever fill that “God sized hole”. ???

People are not trying to be cruel. The longer you persist in this…the more it will hurt.
Busy yourself with your ministry. I’m super busy with Confirmation prep classes. Pour yourself into what you know for sure.

 

[coleycannoli]

I don’t think it was prudent to give info about your former boyfriend to the Vocations Director. That’s not yours to mess with. I’m surprised he didn’t cut the meeting short.

Please.

Give the guy some space.

You say you want the other side.

Here’s the other side:

“I will make you fishers of men”
From next Sunday’s Gospel. I am praying for you.

If he comes back, great. But given his history of not being frank with you, I think in the future you will be very glad it all happened this way.
If I’m wrong, fine.

But you have to accept that for now, it’s not the relationship you were hoping for. It may never be. You seem like a very good young woman, very kind and compassionate.
Why do you think no one else can or will ever fill that “God sized hole”. ???

People are not trying to be cruel. The longer you persist in this…the more it will hurt.
Busy yourself with your ministry. I’m super busy with Confirmation prep classes. Pour yourself into what you know for sure.

I appreciate your thoughts. In this case I knew the Voc Dir being as he was priest at my home parish, so it wasn’t any secret about any of this. I trust him to say what he needed to say to me and his judgement. He was open, honest, and helpful to me. So for sure qualities he is a good priest.

I know I need to keep busy, I am working on that. And I am working on giving him space. Its kind of difficult to do after three years, so please give me little on that.

Well I don’t want to draw this thread out too much longer. I was just hoping for … something I guess.