- Status
C
chevalier
Guest
That’s what I feared! sobyou know what I mean! ha
Epistemes, I hear you. It’s a good thing you look around for good things to do with your time. Do them for God, not for a woman. Look out for activities where you can be productive rather than those that might be well received by women. Let them find you where you are and listen to me when I tell you that the more you work on yourself, the more you have to offer (and the more you get when the exchange is equal).
What women want? For starters, they want a decent leader and good provider, then a man who will understand and who will make their lives lighter and nicer without imposing too much of himself in return. Depending on the level of religiousness, they might be looking specifically for a guy who will get them closer to heaven. They want a man with leadership qualities (no, you don’t have to be an army officer or the next mayor), able to provide for his family, compassionate, cultivated and civilised but not to the extent of being effeminate, religious to more or less the same extent that they are. There really isn’t much more to it.
I will have to agree with the advice given above, that is, to appreciate the single time that you won’t have when you’re married. Use this time to grow, to help others, in any productive way, don’t waste it on pitying yourself for being single. There’s the old saying that if you don’t have what you like, you like what you have. Really, you can make a lot of what you have and it’s actually a very manly thing to do (think of e.g. what Robinson Crusoe made of what he had). Life’s definitely too short for pitying yourself and definitely too short for shallow, pointless, will-do relationships. This I tell you as someone who’s wasted a lot of time myself.
Lastly, that wasp-tongued little physics girl up there is right: women are not attracted so much to men who think too much of themselves. While a man who pities himself for beings single does not look in the mirror and admire his looks or read his academic credentials over and over or study his resume of a long line of leadership positions, or anything like that, which would clearly give out an NPD sufferer, the subject of his thoughts is still himself - the misery he’s been going through. It’s a little bit like people who focus on their little maladies while people around them have bigger illness but stay quiet. No matter what, even if you try to avoid that, thinking how bad you have it for being single will give you a self-centred perspective in which your singleness will cloud everything else to you. So in the end, it will be all about you. And that’s not something you want - not because women won’t be attracted but because that’s no way to live!
As far as thinking goes, find yourself something to do that will get your mind off it. If you can’t focus on intellectual work, get some physical work to do (low-level carpentry, construction help, heck, cleaning even - ask around the church) - those works generally live little room for thinking about romantic troubles (I’ve tried and it works). If not, or if you can’t keep up for a long time without getting bored, buy a ticket at the gym. That’s going to make you look a bit better and be healthier if you don’t overdo it. If you need something intellectual, fine, again, ask around the church or your last school or, say, the Knights surely would use a pen.
There’s probably a ton of subjects that need a short article to be written upon. As for women, see them as friends, get to know them relax, talk to a lot of them (and a lot), don’t beholden yourself to any one of them unless you really “are in love”, but DON’T allow yourself to get kissy-huggy when you aren’t in love and looking for further commitment (it’s not a pastime, actually, it’s an expression of love and commitment).Besides, a woman is your better half and that means that it’s probably good to know your worse half first.
What a man you are affects what a woman you need or what a woman needs you. Needless to say, improving yourself affects the equation. So if you’ve done some work on yourself, your prospects change. You’d rather see your prospects after that work than before.Time to end here and get back to work. I’ve got a heckload to do today yet. There’s 70 pages of translation due the 15th but the sooner the better. I’d actually so much love to put together the shoe container that’s been waiting in the corridor for a month! Too much of one kind of occupation is simply not good for you. Or at least for some types of yous.
W
whatevergirl
Guest
*And to add to chev and others…
Dating should be FUN. Don’t make it out to be a hardship or something to accomplish. Have fun when you’re dating. Not become a serial dater, but have fun while dating.
Dating can also help you to learn what you might not want in a woman, and sometimes a woman can serve as a mirror to your own life and soul.
You might learn things about yourself that need improving or don’t.
But, above all, have fun…and be yourself. And don’t become discouraged…women like upbeat and confident men, not men who feel badly about themselves, or get discouraged easily. I hesitate to make such a blanket statement but I should say MOST women like a well adjusted, confident man who feels good about his life. (of course the most important thing for a devout Christian woman would be he has to put the Lord above all else) But, a good woman is willing to help you through your trials and tribulations…so long as you don’t expect her to be the one to save you from whatever it is that’s ailing you.
I am sorry Epistemes that you are struggling, I’ll keep praying for you!!
*
Dating should be FUN. Don’t make it out to be a hardship or something to accomplish. Have fun when you’re dating. Not become a serial dater, but have fun while dating.
Dating can also help you to learn what you might not want in a woman, and sometimes a woman can serve as a mirror to your own life and soul.
You might learn things about yourself that need improving or don’t.But, above all, have fun…and be yourself. And don’t become discouraged…women like upbeat and confident men, not men who feel badly about themselves, or get discouraged easily. I hesitate to make such a blanket statement but I should say MOST women like a well adjusted, confident man who feels good about his life. (of course the most important thing for a devout Christian woman would be he has to put the Lord above all else) But, a good woman is willing to help you through your trials and tribulations…so long as you don’t expect her to be the one to save you from whatever it is that’s ailing you.
I am sorry Epistemes that you are struggling, I’ll keep praying for you!!
*
W
whatevergirl
Guest
*Oh, you means a ‘general’ you…not you, as in Epistemes. lol *
M
MercyMia
Guest
As someone who got married at 23 (I’m 25 now) I want to offer a little bit of perspective. As much as I LOVE my husband and know that our marriage is a gift from God, I admit to sometimes thinking of things and saying to myself “Oh, I wish I had done that before I got married!”
Sometimes I regret not doing something adventurous like going on a mission to a foreign country or serving God in some extreme way. You singletons have the world open to you! Maybe God has things in store for you to experience before you can become the loving spouse you were meant to be.
Oh, and also sometimes I miss certain freedoms. For instance, the fact of “marrying” the whole family. My husband has a mother who suffers from borderline personality disorder (undiagnosed currently) and is severely anti-Catholic. She has caused us a lot of stress as she constantly tries to get attention and cause strife in our marriage. This is not the sort of thing a 23 year old woman wants to deal with necessarily ( I tend to be care-free and fancy free in friendships and family-ships). Yet, I had too. Sometimes I miss the freedom of not having this lady as a burden in my life.
PLUS I know that a big reason many single people are down is because they “burning up” for lack of a better term. They are craving the physical gifts that come with marriage. However, with this comes a few stressed of their own. NFP can be scary, and I am assuming NFP would be the standard for most people on this board (or no planning at all, which is great too). The fact that I could get pregnant whenever sort of makes me feel like working on my career or getting another degree would be useless (in my case, I will be a stay at home mom). Sometimes I see other people who are single going off and working on these great careers or studying for a masters abroad and I think of how exciting that might be, but it just isn’t in the life plan my husband and I see for ourselves. I have a good job now, but ultimately I am just working and putting all of my paychecks away for when we have a baby. I wish I could feel passionate about my work, but it is just a paycheck to me. While I like my plan and wouldn’t change it for the world, there is always that bit of longing.
Sometimes I regret not doing something adventurous like going on a mission to a foreign country or serving God in some extreme way. You singletons have the world open to you! Maybe God has things in store for you to experience before you can become the loving spouse you were meant to be.
Oh, and also sometimes I miss certain freedoms. For instance, the fact of “marrying” the whole family. My husband has a mother who suffers from borderline personality disorder (undiagnosed currently) and is severely anti-Catholic. She has caused us a lot of stress as she constantly tries to get attention and cause strife in our marriage. This is not the sort of thing a 23 year old woman wants to deal with necessarily ( I tend to be care-free and fancy free in friendships and family-ships). Yet, I had too. Sometimes I miss the freedom of not having this lady as a burden in my life.
PLUS I know that a big reason many single people are down is because they “burning up” for lack of a better term. They are craving the physical gifts that come with marriage. However, with this comes a few stressed of their own. NFP can be scary, and I am assuming NFP would be the standard for most people on this board (or no planning at all, which is great too). The fact that I could get pregnant whenever sort of makes me feel like working on my career or getting another degree would be useless (in my case, I will be a stay at home mom). Sometimes I see other people who are single going off and working on these great careers or studying for a masters abroad and I think of how exciting that might be, but it just isn’t in the life plan my husband and I see for ourselves. I have a good job now, but ultimately I am just working and putting all of my paychecks away for when we have a baby. I wish I could feel passionate about my work, but it is just a paycheck to me. While I like my plan and wouldn’t change it for the world, there is always that bit of longing.
C
chevalier
Guest
Whatevergirl, dating should be FUN with all capitals as you put it, but I’m just underlining (to no end) the point that while some kissin’-in-the-tree is not the end of the world, it’s not really the most mature way to handle it and I’m worried by the fact that people apparently think it’s just a normal pastime with someone who’s practically a stranger, as in something that follows barely after exchanging names. Eating out, dancing (the night away), active sports, “dinner & movie”, whatever, but sometimes I wish people were a bit more restrictive with the physical displays. Plus, it seems to have an intellectual or spiritual connection - as in, not focusing on the enjoyment of company but rather on the serotonin (name removed by moderator)ut from kissing and hugging which isn’t even warranted. Call me a wet blanket but I don’t like it.
E
Epistemes
Guest
Obtaining a girlfriend isn’t my life’s goal – it’s just, after five years of remaining single, I would seriously like that to change…sooner rather than later. I mean, I get along in life just fine without having a girlfriend because, well, after five years it sort of becomes prime nature. So, everything I do isn’t oriented towards me getting a girlfriend: in fact, hardly any of if it is.
I just don’t know why I’m so unsuccessful at securing a single date, a single outing for coffee, when I seem to be doing everything right…by some standards.
I just don’t know why I’m so unsuccessful at securing a single date, a single outing for coffee, when I seem to be doing everything right…by some standards.
W
whatevergirl
Guest
Who said anything about kissing? Dating can be getting to know someone, dinner, walking, talking, without kissing. I agree, there is way too much physical before people even figure out where the thing is heading!
C
catherinette
Guest
So you probably shouldn’t listen to me if I’m being a jerk…
But now, I’m just being honest. I still have times when I am in the mood you were probably in when you wrote the original post, and I’ve found that the best solution is to say a rosary for the person I’m going to marry, whoever he is. Then forget about it. And call up a friend just to chat or read a book or watch my favorite show on tv, not like I watch tv much anymore, or get out and go to a party or out with friends. There’s a million other things to do in life beside thinking about what you don’t have right now, and ultimately, you have no idea what God has in store for your life, so all you can really do is trust in His timing, and worry about who are you and how you are living for now. I had heard what I just told you a thousand times before it ultimately started to sink in, and it took a lot of pretty useless sorrow before it did; I’m much much happier now that it has! It sounds like you are doing everything you can to make yourself happy and have a fulfilled life, so don’t be frustrated by something so small and incidental as the girl you had a crush on not showing up to the same mass anymore! Maybe she’s just on vacation right now!
P
Pioro
Guest
Hi,
Doing purely social things in groups can be helpful in your situation. Have you considered asking several people from church or work or school (whatever you’re involved in) to meet for coffee and talk at some convenient hour? Maybe meeting after work for a meal (dutch treat for everyone)? Maybe arranging an afternoon’s walk or hike in some nearby nature area, roller-skating together, playing volleyball at the beach - whatever suits your abilities and circumstances.
Being the person who brings people together is practice for hospitality, which you’ll want to practice in married life. But it also opens up your circle of aquaintances. Some people may ‘stick’ and become really good friends; others may drift in and out of the group; others will bring along their friends, and so on.
Someone below mentioned being single forever and worrying about being old and having no one. I’m probably twenty years past you in that situation, and I can say don’t worry about it. The key - I’ve found - is being the best you can be right now, today, in whatever relational situations you are in. Be the best son/daughter you can be - really work at that. Be the best brother/sister you can be - try hard. Be the best employee you can be - put your heart and mind into your work, care about doing a good job. Be the best neighbor you can be - look for ways to serve the people around you, from tossing your neighbor’s paper up onto his porch, out of the rain, to opening a door for an elderly person, to delivering meals on wheels. It can be very small, hidden acts that are just seen by God.
When we focus on who we are today, and the people we meet today, and being the best person we can be today, we are preparing ourselves for being husbands, wives, priests, religious - or ‘unwillingly’ single - for the rest of our lives. We are living our lives.
And it brings so many people into our lives. I don’t worry about what will happen to me when I’m old, because I have great trust in God (meditating on the Divine Mercy daily is great for this). I can look back on my life and I can’t see a single moment when He has not taken care of me, even when times were very hard. And I can see that by trying to be Him to other people every day, has brought people into my life who are eager to help me in any way they can. I don’t have children and never will, but I have god-children whom I love and on whom I can lavish time and attention, understanding and prayer that their parents may not have the time and energy for. I know that as long as I do everything I can to take care of the ‘widows and orphans’ I meet (in any sense of those terms) every day, that God will take care of me when I am old and have no one to look after me.
Take care of today - live it to the fullest, trying to be Christ as much as you can to others - and tomorrow really will take care of itself.
Your best qualities are not in your appearance. They are in the love and peace that you bring to others. If you’ve got a circle of friends already, invite them to do something, and invite a few people from church or other areas of your life, and watch the circle expand. Be the person who brings others together, and you’ll find some wonderful ‘others’ being brought into your life.
I can look back over 47 years and marvel at how God always brought the right people into my life at the right time - and took the ‘wrong’ ones out at very opportune moments. It may very well be that God took that girl out of your parish (the girl you’d been focussing on) because He wants you to focus on Him at Mass, and not think about Mass as a time when you go to scope out some girl. And possibly because He knows that that was not the girl for you, or the time is not right.
God knows all we need before we ask for it. It’s a good practice to try to be grateful to God for all the ‘bad’ things that happen. Have you tried thanking God that you don’t have a girlfriend? If that’s too big a leap, try thanking Him for today’s burnt toast, late bus, leaky pen - the little annoyances. It helps you to build up to thanking Him for some of his bigger ‘hard graces’ like being alone or ill.
This is rambling. Sorry. I’ve got to go to work.
Trust Him. He knows exactly where you are and what you need - and He is giving you exactly what you need now, no matter how ‘bad’ it may seem. Peace.
Doing purely social things in groups can be helpful in your situation. Have you considered asking several people from church or work or school (whatever you’re involved in) to meet for coffee and talk at some convenient hour? Maybe meeting after work for a meal (dutch treat for everyone)? Maybe arranging an afternoon’s walk or hike in some nearby nature area, roller-skating together, playing volleyball at the beach - whatever suits your abilities and circumstances.
Being the person who brings people together is practice for hospitality, which you’ll want to practice in married life. But it also opens up your circle of aquaintances. Some people may ‘stick’ and become really good friends; others may drift in and out of the group; others will bring along their friends, and so on.
Someone below mentioned being single forever and worrying about being old and having no one. I’m probably twenty years past you in that situation, and I can say don’t worry about it. The key - I’ve found - is being the best you can be right now, today, in whatever relational situations you are in. Be the best son/daughter you can be - really work at that. Be the best brother/sister you can be - try hard. Be the best employee you can be - put your heart and mind into your work, care about doing a good job. Be the best neighbor you can be - look for ways to serve the people around you, from tossing your neighbor’s paper up onto his porch, out of the rain, to opening a door for an elderly person, to delivering meals on wheels. It can be very small, hidden acts that are just seen by God.
When we focus on who we are today, and the people we meet today, and being the best person we can be today, we are preparing ourselves for being husbands, wives, priests, religious - or ‘unwillingly’ single - for the rest of our lives. We are living our lives.
And it brings so many people into our lives. I don’t worry about what will happen to me when I’m old, because I have great trust in God (meditating on the Divine Mercy daily is great for this). I can look back on my life and I can’t see a single moment when He has not taken care of me, even when times were very hard. And I can see that by trying to be Him to other people every day, has brought people into my life who are eager to help me in any way they can. I don’t have children and never will, but I have god-children whom I love and on whom I can lavish time and attention, understanding and prayer that their parents may not have the time and energy for. I know that as long as I do everything I can to take care of the ‘widows and orphans’ I meet (in any sense of those terms) every day, that God will take care of me when I am old and have no one to look after me.
Take care of today - live it to the fullest, trying to be Christ as much as you can to others - and tomorrow really will take care of itself.
Your best qualities are not in your appearance. They are in the love and peace that you bring to others. If you’ve got a circle of friends already, invite them to do something, and invite a few people from church or other areas of your life, and watch the circle expand. Be the person who brings others together, and you’ll find some wonderful ‘others’ being brought into your life.
I can look back over 47 years and marvel at how God always brought the right people into my life at the right time - and took the ‘wrong’ ones out at very opportune moments. It may very well be that God took that girl out of your parish (the girl you’d been focussing on) because He wants you to focus on Him at Mass, and not think about Mass as a time when you go to scope out some girl. And possibly because He knows that that was not the girl for you, or the time is not right.
God knows all we need before we ask for it. It’s a good practice to try to be grateful to God for all the ‘bad’ things that happen. Have you tried thanking God that you don’t have a girlfriend? If that’s too big a leap, try thanking Him for today’s burnt toast, late bus, leaky pen - the little annoyances. It helps you to build up to thanking Him for some of his bigger ‘hard graces’ like being alone or ill.
This is rambling. Sorry. I’ve got to go to work.
Trust Him. He knows exactly where you are and what you need - and He is giving you exactly what you need now, no matter how ‘bad’ it may seem. Peace.
C
chevalier
Guest
Dating has so many definitions.Who said anything about kissing? Dating can be getting to know someone, dinner, walking, talking, without kissing. I agree, there is way too much physical before people even figure out where the thing is heading!
This is the hardest thing for me. I am miserable in this life. Praying about it does nothing. Asking for God’s will changes nothing. Nothing in my life has changed in around 10 years for me. I remember several years ago, I was a temp worker at Microsoft. I had been doing it for a little over a year and I started a novena to St. Joseph that I might get “promoted” to a full time, Microsoft employee. A week or so after finishing the novena, my project was canceled and not only did I not get the full time job, I lost the temp job I had. That’s the kind of “intervention” I get. My younger brother and sister are both married and living their lives and I’m stuck living with my mother because I don’t make enough money to live on my own and pay my bills. I pray that I get a better job, have prayed for years but nope.
Because of my Asperger’s disorder and fibromyalgia, I am limited in what I can do. I don’t really hope for anything in this life. I have no motivations, no passion, no real interests, no friends, nothing. I used to have those things, but over the years, they just went away. Do you have any idea what it’s like to wake up every single day knowing it’s going to be absolutely meaningless/pointless? I used to make weekly holy hours of Eucharistic Adoration but eventually decided that a relationship needs to go both ways and if God wasn’t going to even give me an inclination of what I should do with my life than I wasn’t going to put in the extra effort. Now, I pretty much do what I can do to avoid hell. I go to Mass on Sundays and avoid mortal sin, but that’s it. I guess what it comes down to is that God has to give me a reason to trust. I know my brain is wired screwy because God wanted me born with Aspergers so I hope he doesn’t hold too much of it against me on judgment day.
G
Greg27
Guest
The Mass is probably not the proper place to find a girlfriend. Unless you are already engaged or married, or are with family, it is unlikely you will meet people as everyone is concentrated on participating in the rituals that come with Mass rather than talking with others.
I think a better idea would be to try and get more involved in the social life of your parish, where you are more likely to meet people on an informal basis. I think in such situations you would have a much better chance of meeting someone who shares your faith and values.
I think a better idea would be to try and get more involved in the social life of your parish, where you are more likely to meet people on an informal basis. I think in such situations you would have a much better chance of meeting someone who shares your faith and values.
P
petitfleur
Guest
Okay I will probally get blasted for suggesting this but I have a good friend who has had success with e-harmony. Not a marriage but met some really nice people with the same religiouse convictions she had…
B
BrotherMentor
Guest
Trust me my friend, you must first be completely comfortable and confident in being by yourself before you can have a relationship that will last. I’ve been there before where I wanted a girlfriend and it always led to me jumping into relationships that were doomed from the begginning. It is a good thing that you’re looking for a girl at Church but be patient. God’s plan is so much more perfect than ours. Have faith that God will put the right girl in your life at the most perfect time. Until then be filled with God’s love. That is the only love you need. Once you find a girl that can share in that love with you and bring you closer to Christ then you’ve found true love. Good luck.
W
whatevergirl
Guest
Oh my, this is such a BEAUTIFUL post!!
S
Suslar
Guest
A dear friend sent this to me when I was complaining about the single life. She also urged me to pray for my future spouse although I haven’t met him yet. It’s not easy being alone, but I know God is preparing me - and him - for a fabulous relationship that will bring us both closer to Heaven. . . . . Just think about the following and I hope it brings you a little bit of peace.
BE SATISFIED WITH ME
Everyone longs to give themselves completely to someone,
To have a deep soul relationship with another,
To be loved thoroughly and exclusively.
But to a Christian, God says, "No, not until you are satisfied,
Fulfilled and content with being loved by Me alone,
With giving yourself totally and unreservedly to Me.
With having an intensely personal and unique relationship with Me alone.
Discovering that only in Me is your satisfaction to be found,
Will you be capable of the perfect human relationship,
That I have planned for you.
You will never be united to another
Until you are united with Me.
Exclusive of anyone or anything else.
Exclusive of any other desires or longings.
I want you to stop planning, to stop wishing, and allow Me to give you
The most thrilling plan existing . . . one you cannot imagine.
I want you to have the best. Please allow Me to bring it to you.
You just keep watching Me, expecting the greatest things.
Keep experiencing the satisfaction that I am.
Keep listening and learning the things that I tell you.
Just wait, that’s all. Don’t be anxious, don’t worry
Don’t look around at things others have gotten
Or that I have given them
Don’t look around at the things you think you want,
Just keep looking off and away up to Me,
Or you’ll miss what I want to show you.
And then, when you’re ready, I’ll surprise you with a love
Far more wonderful than you could dream of.
You see, until you are ready, and until the one I have for you is ready,
I am working even at this moment
To have both of you ready at the same time.
Until you are both satisfied exclusively with Me.
BE SATISFIED WITH ME
Everyone longs to give themselves completely to someone,
To have a deep soul relationship with another,
To be loved thoroughly and exclusively.
But to a Christian, God says, "No, not until you are satisfied,
Fulfilled and content with being loved by Me alone,
With giving yourself totally and unreservedly to Me.
With having an intensely personal and unique relationship with Me alone.
Discovering that only in Me is your satisfaction to be found,
Will you be capable of the perfect human relationship,
That I have planned for you.
You will never be united to another
Until you are united with Me.
Exclusive of anyone or anything else.
Exclusive of any other desires or longings.
I want you to stop planning, to stop wishing, and allow Me to give you
The most thrilling plan existing . . . one you cannot imagine.
I want you to have the best. Please allow Me to bring it to you.
You just keep watching Me, expecting the greatest things.
Keep experiencing the satisfaction that I am.
Keep listening and learning the things that I tell you.
Just wait, that’s all. Don’t be anxious, don’t worry
Don’t look around at things others have gotten
Or that I have given them
Don’t look around at the things you think you want,
Just keep looking off and away up to Me,
Or you’ll miss what I want to show you.
And then, when you’re ready, I’ll surprise you with a love
Far more wonderful than you could dream of.
You see, until you are ready, and until the one I have for you is ready,
I am working even at this moment
To have both of you ready at the same time.
Until you are both satisfied exclusively with Me.
- Saint Anthony of Padua
S
Suslar
Guest
Bataar,
You sounds really depressed! Have you seen a doctor about it?
God didn’t deny you a promotion or end your temp assignment to cause you harm. God isn’t like that. But His plans and His timing are not our own. Jesus often said, “Do not be afraid” because all things DO work out for good for those who love God. Keep the faith!! Entrust your troubles to Him - He can take it!!!
You sounds really depressed! Have you seen a doctor about it?
God didn’t deny you a promotion or end your temp assignment to cause you harm. God isn’t like that. But His plans and His timing are not our own. Jesus often said, “Do not be afraid” because all things DO work out for good for those who love God. Keep the faith!! Entrust your troubles to Him - He can take it!!!
N
Norseman82
Guest
Says who?
If one could be completely comfortable being alone, that means they could handle celibacy and he/she might consider religious life. And if one could be completely comfortable being alone, why in the world would they seek marriage in the first place?
This is all a bunch of lesbian feminazi propaganda.
W
whatevergirl
Guest
- Status