I’m sorry I haven’t updated in so long. Things are still very very tough. So where I stand is I will not have a job as of july 1st and the state of my career is in real question. I am currently on a month long rotation which is absolutly misreble, it is physically, mentally, and mentally demanding because the staff is…well lets say “difficult to deal with”. He knows what my situation is in the program and he is sympathetic to the person that I upset in the program so he is making my life very difficult. To the point where I cry on the way to work saying the rosary everyday and cry on the way home. Next month I am at the same place but with a more easy going staff. Hopefully it will not be as painful. Following that (my last month of employment) will be a nightmare similar situation to this rotation but this time not just one difficult staff but two. I am planning to quit before this last rotation. I don’t think I can mentally take it. All the while I am stressing out trying to figure out what I am going to do for work. I have to have some sort of income and you would think being an MD I could find something easily. Well is it is easy I am not looking in the right places because I am lost and I am haveing trouble finding people to help me. Then there is the topic of my long term career which is in severe question because I went to talk to the dean of all the residency programs and having him say I was “high risk” and I have done “questionable things” first makes me relize he only has parts (and not many of the true parts) of the story! Well I come to find out he has been in constant contact with the program director who I have had the personality conflict with this whole time. So he is getting her side of the scenario and not the whole story. Essentially I am being made to look like an incompetent resident when I am not. They are trying to ruin my career and I don’t feel like there is anything I can do. All of this blood, sweat, and tears might be all for nothing and that scares me to death.
The worst part is I have an AMAZING wife who has stood by me this whole time and a new baby boy who I can’t even be joyous about because I am worried about what will I do now? It is not fair this residency has robbed me of my confidence, my self worth, and now my happiness.
Like I mentioned I pray the rosary almost daily and I have been trying to ask God to give me strength and direction. It seems like I don’t have anything right now. I am more depressed than I have ever been, my anxiety is at an all time high, and I have very little hope for the future right now. I am not suicidal per say but there has been fleeting moments where I thought “if I got into a wreck and died” that might not be so bad. That embarrasses and scares me. Something has go to change soon for the better because I can’t take much more. I would give anything to be happy again and to know it will all be ok.
-Roux
