Any other Stay At Home Moms get this?

[mini_me640]

In fairness, it seems whatever choice mothers make is viewed as the wrong choice by some. Moms who work outside the home often get flak from people (and I’ve seen it plenty on these forums) for “letting someone else raise their children”, for having their priorities out of order, for being materialistic, etc. Of course, it happens often as the OPs experience, people comment that someone is “wasting” their education or career when they stay home. So, from the outside, there are always people who think they know what choices women should make with their careers and family. The reality is, no one can know the right choice for a particular mom and family except for that mom and family, and it is unfair to criticize others for their home/career choices. You have to ignore those other people.

 

[MessyMom]

No. In fact, of all the stay at home moms I know, I’m the only one without a degree. It’s seen as very odd in my neck of the woods, with Catholic and non-Catholics.

 

[Catholicpotato]

multiply that by a million in my case… Stay at home homeschooling dad.
Meanwhile my youngest sister is went to private college, has a masters in teaching and wants to be a model and waitress. Yet she never gets asked why she wasted over $100,000.00.

 

[MissRose73]

My mother was a SAHM. She did have a certificate from a business school, and later went through job training to work in a hospital in a support role. She chose to stay home and raise her children, and returned to part time work when me & my sister were in our mid to late teens.

SAHMs do a lot of work. Same for those mothers who work outside the home. Their responsibilities for their homes, children, and husband are the same no matter if they work full time, part time or not employed outside the home.

My sister tried to be a SAHM. She realized it was not for her. Her kids are happy and good even though she works and is going to college to get a better paying job.

 

[Alix1912]

I’m a working mom with a couple of advanced degrees. ducks for cover

I think all sides need to throttle back on the judgement - both the attitudes that come to us through the media and the stuff we sling at each other in real life.

Staying at home isn’t an option for me, regardless of if I want to be there or not. It just isn’t. I’m the primary bread winner for my family by far, but more importantly, my job provides my family with our health insurance. But I have encountered the “I’m a superior mother because my kids are the center of my life, as opposed to you, Dr. Feminazi” attitued from SAHMs before. (On another site someone actually did call me that. )

I was commiserating with a co-worker a couple of months back about this issue. She’s in the same situation I am, but her kids are still babies and she’s 15 years younger than I am, so I think she gets more guff. She was telling me that her stay-at-home sister asked her how she could live with herself, leaving her kids with a sitter, etc. to which she replied, “Versus what? Live out of our car?”

My point is that it’s really nobody’s business why Woman A works in an office and sends the kids to daycare, why Woman B works out of her home while raising the kids, and Woman C raises the kids without generating income, why Woman D gets married right out of college and chooses to stay at home with the kids. The only people whose opinions matter one whit are hers and her husband’s.

We need to respect the decisions each of us makes. And if we can’t do that, we need to butt out of each other’s lives. All of us women, I think, could do with a little more support and kindness in our lives and a lot less judgment and tearing down.

Yeah?

steps off soapbox

I think that every woman has to make the right decisions for her and her family. My best friend works, because she has to. I’m a SAHM. We both have advanced degrees, which neither one is ironically using right now. I think being a SAHM or a working mom regardless is hard…because being a MOM is hard. I think that is what we have to remember, and support each other no matter what.

 

[gardenswithkids]

… I’m wondering how many other SAHMs run across this…Anyways, whenever I mention to people that I’m a SAHM, and that I have a degree, people are always like, “And you’re not *using *it?!” … I felt like yelling, “SAHMs can get educated, too!” lol. Does that happen to anyone else?

That has never happened to me.

We must hang out with different crowds. I have several SAHM and homeschooling mommy friends with college degrees and advanced degrees. Maybe it’s the homeschooling, but no one ever asked me that even before I was homeschooling. Maybe it’s because I did work at one time in my career field. I don’t know, but that doesn’t happen to me.

 

[kristacecilia]

I once had a friend of my husband sit at my dining room table while I served him a drink and complained about how much of a drain on society SAHMs are. In Canada you get a monthly stipend if you have children, the amount you receive is based on your income and the number of children have. We are a one income family and I have four kids, so we get a substantial amount. I didn’t ask for it, it’s available to all Canadian families regardless of income (it’s not welfare).

Anyway, his big beef was that it wasn’t fair that families with a SAHM shouldn’t get more money than two income families, and that they are just draining the system and abusing it with their laziness. He made several comments about being too lazy to get a job and not working hard to support their families.

I managed, only by the Grace of God, to hold my tongue the whole time. At the end I sat down and looked him in the eye and said, “You do realize that I am a SAHM, too, right?”

I remember him mumbling something that sounded like sorry. Then he said, “Well… that’s different.”

??

 

[admonsta]

I worked as an engineer until I had my first baby. I’ve done some work from home and a few contract jobs since then, but mostly I’ve been a SAHM. People don’t know what I did unless they are close friends.

I recently mentioned to an acquaintance that a contract was offered to me - she seemed surprised and asked what I did. When I told her, her reaction was “Wooow, you must be so bored to stay home with the kids!”. I was pretty surprised by her reaction, because it hadn’t really occurred to me before that a ‘smart’ person might be bored if they weren’t working.

Sometimes I feel guilty that I get to do so many fun things, like learning to garden and playing games with my kids. I really enjoy my work when I have some, but I also really enjoy raising my kids and keeping house… okay, maybe not the housework so much.

 

[RedSoxWife]

This is sort of a rant–just warning you all. I’m wondering how many other SAHMs run across this.

I’m one of those SAHMs who has a college degree. I went through the whole thing, even though I never planned on actually using the degree I’ve earned. My first desire has always been to be a mother. But I got the degree so that I would have something to fall back on, in the event that my husband is ever not able to work.

Anyways, whenever I mention to people that I’m a SAHM, and that I have a degree, people are always like, “And you’re not *using *it?!” I expect it from most people, but just yesterday I got this reaction from someone who I didn’t expect it from. He and his wife are Catholic with four kids themselves, and usually quite supportive of staying home with the kids. But he could not believe that I would have “wasted” all that money to go to a private university and get this really great degree when I had no plans of using it. I felt like yelling, “SAHMs can get educated, too!” lol. Does that happen to anyone else?

I’ve gotten this response from more people than I’d care to remember… And it always surprises me (although I guess it shouldn’t). I had one (pregnant) sister-in-law who kind of seemed to think I was a waste of space for planning on staying home with the kids… she just couldn’t fathom that THAT was all that I wanted to do. Interestingly enough, from what I’ve heard, she understands a teensy bit more the desire to stay home since having a little one… I’m wondering if she’ll be a bit more friendly next time I see her…

 

[Nick_89]

First of all, I’d like to say that I’m not a woman and I don’t have kids. I’m a 21 year-old male college student, so perhaps my perspective is off.

That being said, I think many of you SAHMs should consider what a financial burden a college degree has become. For those not fortunate enough to come from a rich family or earn a full-ride scholarship, a degree represents a massive investment. This is especially true if you chose to attend a private college/university.

I’m guessing that most of the college-educated SAHMs on here are married to well-educated men. Would it be safe to say that most of your husbands have well-paying jobs?

The only reason I ask this is because I am personally financing my education. It’s probably going to take me 10-15 years to pay off my student loans. In the future, I don’t think I’ll be in a position to single-handedly support a family while paying off two people’s student loans.

 

[EasterJoy]

First of all, I’d like to say that I’m not a woman and I don’t have kids. I’m a 21 year-old male college student, so perhaps my perspective is off.

That being said, I think many of you SAHMs should consider what a financial burden a college degree has become. For those not fortunate enough to come from a rich family or earn a full-ride scholarship, a degree represents a massive investment.

I’m guessing that most of the college-educated SAHMs on here are married to well-educated men. Would it be safe to say that most of your husbands have well-paying jobs?

Not necessarily, but they do tend to value women more for their intellect than for their earning potential. There are a lot more educated men–hardly the same thing as highly-paid men, especially if you like philosophy majors!–who would like to find an educated woman who wants to stay home with their children than there are educated women that are interested in doing it.

More importantly, wanting to have a husband and children doesn’t mean you’re going to get them. So what are we supposed to do when we pop out of high school as valedictorians, wash cars until we attract a smart, educated man from…where? And let us say that we skip college and do marry, but we can’t get pregnant. We’re supposed to do…what? And as many of us will tell you, what happens when we have a family to support and we lose the main breadwinner or when the finances indicate that we need to help bring in the paychecks? That’s not exactly the time to start one’s schooling.

It may be prudent for anyone to consider that there is a trade-off between the cost of private school and state school, but it isn’t prudent for a person who is capable of doing college-level work to avoid higher education for anything but a preferred vocational career. Putting off college because you hope to be able to stay home with your kids is penny wise and pound foolish too often to ignore.

IOW, go to beauty school instead of college because you want to be a great stylist instead of something else, but not because you hope to have kids and don’t want to invest in the education that fits your actual aptitudes.

 

[Nick_89]

Not necessarily, but they do tend to value women more for their intellect than for their earning potential. There are a lot more educated men–hardly the same thing as highly-paid men, especially if you like philosophy majors!–who would like to find an educated woman who wants to stay home with their children than there are educated women that are interested in doing it.

More importantly, wanting to have a husband and children doesn’t mean you’re going to get them. So what are we supposed to do when we pop out of high school as valedictorians, wash cars until we attract a smart, educated man from…where? And let us say that we skip college and do marry, but we can’t get pregnant. We’re supposed to do…what? And as many of us will tell you, what happens when we have a family to support and we lose the main breadwinner or when the finances indicate that we need to help bring in the paychecks? That’s not exactly the time to start one’s schooling.

It may be prudent for anyone to consider that there is a trade-off between the cost of private school and state school, but it isn’t prudent for a person who is capable of doing college-level work to avoid higher education for anything but a preferred vocational career. Putting off college because you hope to be able to stay home with your kids is penny wise and pound foolish too often to ignore.

IOW, go to beauty school instead of college because you want to be a great stylist instead of something else, but not because you hope to have kids and don’t want to invest in the education that fits your actual aptitudes.

Thanks. But you didn’t exactly answer my question.

 

[EasterJoy]

I’m a working mom with a couple of advanced degrees. ducks for cover

I think all sides need to throttle back on the judgement - both the attitudes that come to us through the media and the stuff we sling at each other in real life.

Staying at home isn’t an option for me, regardless of if I want to be there or not. It just isn’t. I’m the primary bread winner for my family by far, but more importantly, my job provides my family with our health insurance. But I have encountered the “I’m a superior mother because my kids are the center of my life, as opposed to you, Dr. Feminazi” attitued from SAHMs before. (On another site someone actually did call me that. )

I was commiserating with a co-worker a couple of months back about this issue. She’s in the same situation I am, but her kids are still babies and she’s 15 years younger than I am, so I think she gets more guff. She was telling me that her stay-at-home sister asked her how she could live with herself, leaving her kids with a sitter, etc. to which she replied, “Versus what? Live out of our car?”

My point is that it’s really nobody’s business why Woman A works in an office and sends the kids to daycare, why Woman B works out of her home while raising the kids, and Woman C raises the kids without generating income, why Woman D gets married right out of college and chooses to stay at home with the kids. The only people whose opinions matter one whit are hers and her husband’s.

We need to respect the decisions each of us makes. And if we can’t do that, we need to butt out of each other’s lives. All of us women, I think, could do with a little more support and kindness in our lives and a lot less judgment and tearing down.

Yeah?

steps off soapbox

I get really tired of it when families decide that both parents are going to work outside the home, and the wife gets the flak for it.

There are people, male and female, who just do better, even as parents, when they are not their children’s primary caregiver for 52 weeks a year.

It is like having a set of your children’s grandparents living with you. A nice “Waltons” set-up, that, isn’t it? What kind of person wouldn’t want their children to be there to learn to respect and love their grandparents, to have that wonderful bond? Maybe a couple of aunts and uncles, too? Isn’t that the way it has been for tens of thousands of years? Our kids grew up seeing pictures of 4 person nuclear family, and would ask, “Where’s the Granny?” Isn’t it so sad, that no one wants their elders and extended family living with them any more? What is the world coming to? When did we get so insulated and individualistic?

Well, we did great with my MIL living with us, but I’m not so sure I would be sane if it had been my mother who was the live-in family matriarch. These are decisions that are best made by the people who have to live with them.

 

[EasterJoy]

Thanks. But you didn’t exactly answer my question.

The answer is that some of us married spouses (usually men) who make enough that it isn’t a question, and some families make real financial sacrifices so that a parent with a college degree can opt to stay at home with the children. If one or both spouses have big student loans, this does make having one parent stay home with the kids more difficult to manage. If one or both of us does not have a college degree, however, this can make simply surviving even more difficult to manage.

So if you couldn’t afford the college education you’re buying for yourself, why didn’t you become an electrician or a plumber? If you are at a private school, why didn’t you keep your debt load in bounds by choosing a public school instead of a private one? You could have put a down payment on a house, you could have afforded to have you or your wife stay at home with your kids, but instead you’re paying to go to college and your wife, with or without her college degree, is going to have to work for a paycheck.

Do you see what I mean? A degree can represent a massive investment, you are right. A young person who takes out the loans to get one is going to restrict his or her family’s options in the future. If a man takes one out, his family will be less likely to afford having one parent stay at home while their kids are small. If a woman takes one out, the same thing. But if the women alone are the ones who forego an education in order to keep the family’s future debt load down, then the women are going to be in a very vulnerable position with regards to their ability to contribute as needed and their ability to survive if they are left to their own devices, whether because they lose a husband or because they never succeed in finding one who is suitable. Regardless of what arrangement anyone may hope to have, it is in the interest of family security for both spouses to have an education suitable to develop their intellect and to improve their prospects of securing employment in keeping with their abilities.

It is not the responsibility of one gender to forego an education that their family may well need them to have. You can hope to be a SAHM, avoiding massive loans can be a prudent part of that, but you never know what you’ll need to do.

Look at this information, from an article about census information concerning SAHMs:
"…*The census statistics show, for example, that the educational level of nearly one in five mothers at home was less than a high school degree, as compared with one in 12 other mothers. Thirty two percent of moms at home have at least a bachelor’s degree, compared with 38 percent of other mothers.

Twelve percent of stay-at-home moms live below the poverty line, compared with 5 percent of other mothers. On the other end of the economic scale, about one-third of moms at home had family incomes of $75,000 a year or more, whereas roughly half of other mothers did.

Given this portrait, mothers at home appear to be “the more vulnerable women, for whom I would argue the issue is lack of opportunity,” said sociologist Pamela Stone of Hunter College. “They have a hard time finding a job and finding a job that makes work worth it.”
…
The report showed that about 27 percent of stay-at-home mothers were Hispanic, compared with 16 percent of other mothers, and about 34 percent were born outside the United States, as compared with 19 percent of other mothers.

Stay-at-home mothers were more likely than other mothers to have an infant or preschooler in the house.

For the report, stay-at-home mothers were defined as those who did not work in the previous year, said they were home to care for their families and had a husband employed all 52 weeks.

Historically, the Census Bureau’s annual population survey shows that there are more mothers at home now than in the mid-1990s.

• from washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2009/09/30/AR2009093005106.html?sid=ST2009100100170

 

[admonsta]

Hi Nick,

My case might be different from others, but in Australia it cost me about $8000 to get my degree, and it was paid for through my tax (an extra 6%). I paid it in full from my own earnings a few years before I had my first child.

However, if I had not paid off my debt then, it would have been deferred until I earned enough per year to pay it back, most likely after my kids had gone to school.

Perhaps I am different to some - I did not intend to get married and have kids. I intended to get on with my life until I might meet a man, get married and perhaps have kids. I was saving myself in one way for marriage, but in my career and personal development, I was not saving myself for marriage.

It’s not all about money, it’s not all about what we are costing the community or even how much money we are using up from what our husbands make. There is value in education apart from the ability to make money. I have a friend who is doing a theology masters, for no other reason than she wants to. I wondered about that for a while, but I see now that she really wants to do it, it fits into the family budget and her husband is happy for her to do it.

I do also wonder how the cost of a degree is so different in different countries.

 

[Nick_89]

I do also wonder how the cost of a degree is so different in different countries.

Here in the United States the average 4-year degree costs about $80,000 when all is said and done.

Let’s just say that neither I nor my parents have an extra 80 grand laying around. Most people don’t, so they have to take out loans to cover the cost. Once you graduate, it doesn’t matter if you have a job or not…it’s time to pay the piper. The only way to get a deferral is to join the Peace Corps or become a government slave.

 

[Contra_Mundum_1]

I’m about to get my PhD this year and I’m getting questions on what I plan to do after I finish my degree. I have a baby and am expecting another one in December. I say that I plan to stay at home with them for a few years and then get something part time. I actually feel like I’ve wasted the PhD years because I will never use this degree, but am very happy about my undergraduate and masters degrees. That was certainly not a waste and people never question the value of that in terms of me being at home with children. But the PhD has nothing to do with my children - it was simply a very bad choice that I made.

 

[GraceDK]

This is sort of a rant–just warning you all. I’m wondering how many other SAHMs run across this.

I’m one of those SAHMs who has a college degree. I went through the whole thing, even though I never planned on actually using the degree I’ve earned.

I admit, I also find that a bit odd. If you never planned to use it, why get it, why spend so much money on it?
I myself would love to be married and have children but I am taking my masters degree because

• Im interested in learning, I love my field and the awesome people I study with.
• I am not married yet, don’t know if I will be. I need to be able to take care of myself and do something interesting with my life.
• Even if I do get married, there are quite many who can’t have children, and who go for years before conceiving or adopting. Children are a gift one cannot be sure to receive.
• After 40 or 45 there is often no need for the woman to stay at home anymore. She can go back to work, or otherwise use the talents also gained during her education.
• I might have to get a job while being married. Many people can’t afford having only one provider working outside the home, at least in Europe.

My first desire has always been to be a mother. But I got the degree so that I would have something to fall back on, in the event that my husband is ever not able to work.

Anyways, whenever I mention to people that I’m a SAHM, and that I have a degree, people are always like, “And you’re not *using *it?!”

** Maybe what they try to say is that its a great privilege to have a degree, it has a lot of possibilities, that many people don’t have. So these people might be excited about your possibilities and capabilities, and you read a criticism into it, whereas they didn’t actually give a judgement about your SAHM’s with degrees. Could it be?**

I expect it from most people, but just yesterday I got this reaction from someone who I didn’t expect it from. He and his wife are Catholic with four kids themselves, and usually quite supportive of staying home with the kids. But he could not believe that I would have “wasted” all that money to go to a private university and get this really great degree when I had no plans of using it. I felt like yelling, “SAHMs can get educated, too!” lol. Does that happen to anyone else?

I think he was right. If you had absolutely no intention of ever using your education, it is a waste of money.

 

[kristacecilia]

First of all, I’d like to say that I’m not a woman and I don’t have kids. I’m a 21 year-old male college student, so perhaps my perspective is off.

That being said, I think many of you SAHMs should consider what a financial burden a college degree has become. For those not fortunate enough to come from a rich family or earn a full-ride scholarship, a degree represents a massive investment. This is especially true if you chose to attend a private college/university.

I’m guessing that most of the college-educated SAHMs on here are married to well-educated men. Would it be safe to say that most of your husbands have well-paying jobs?

The only reason I ask this is because I am personally financing my education. It’s probably going to take me 10-15 years to pay off my student loans. In the future, I don’t think I’ll be in a position to single-handedly support a family while paying off two people’s student loans.

I don’t have a rich family, but I do have a family that planned wisely and invested money for my college education from the time I was 4 until I was ready for school. I had a quite a saving account.

I do have a family who taught me the value of doing well in school, and encouraged me to apply for scholarships.

I do have a family who believes that excessive debt is irresponsible and a huge financial hardship for someone who is just starting out in life.

I do have a family who encouraged me to get a job and start saving for my university expenses when I was a teenager.

I do have a family that was willing to sacrifice their comforts for years while my sisters and I went through school so that they could channel extra money to our education.

I have an extended family who felt strongly that they should help out in anyway possible. They often gave my parents money to help pay our school tuition.

Because of all these people who worked hard, made smart financial choices, and taught me to do the same, I had no debt when I finished school.

I don’t have a rich husband, either. He has a two year technical degree, not a bachelor’s degree. He worked all through school to make sure he could pay CASH for his education.

I am blessed that he is a hard worker and doesn’t mind sacrificing things like cable TV, vacations, having his own car (we have vehicle- a mini van), he doesn’t mind that we eat meatless several times a week to make ends meet, or that we rarely, if ever, eat out. Or that he has to brown-bag his lunch. He doesn’t mind going without so that I can stay home. He has changed jobs to make sure he can afford to support all of us.

This is what we mutually decided was best for our family, and we have worked hard to make sure this is possible. It really bothers me when people assume that SAHM must come from a rich family or have a rich husband. Like we all have it easy. My life is wonderful, but we CHOSE this life and we are making the sacrifices necessary to live it successfully.

Most SAHM I know are not rich. They are struggling financially. Some work part-time from home or on the weekends to help out. Others do couponing or other things to cut costs as much as possible. Some have downsized from houses to apartments because the housing costs are cheaper. I know a lot of SAHM and I don’t know any that are rich.

 

[kristacecilia]

I admit, I also find that a bit odd. If you never planned to use it, why get it, why spend so much money on it?
I myself would love to be married and have children but I am taking my masters degree because

• Im interested in learning, I love my field and the awesome people I study with.
• I am not married yet, don’t know if I will be. I need to be able to take care of myself and do something interesting with my life.
• Even if I do get married, there are quite many who can’t have children, and who go for years before conceiving or adopting. Children are a gift one cannot be sure to receive.
• After 40 or 45 there is often no need for the woman to stay at home anymore. She can go back to work, or otherwise use the talents also gained during her education.
• I might have to get a job while being married. Many people can’t afford having only one provider working outside the home, at least in Europe.

Maybe what they try to say is that its a great privilege to have a degree, it has a lot of possibilities, that many people don’t have. So these people might be excited about your possibilities and capabilities, and you read a criticism into it, whereas they didn’t actually give a judgement about your SAHM’s with degrees. Could it be?

think he was right. If you had absolutely no intention of ever using your education, it is a waste of money.

Why does everyone assume that degree = job training? Does no one see the value of getting an education just for the sake of being an educated person? Especially if you are not going to accrue a significant debt from doing so (because you have money for the degree)?

Most women I know didn’t enter college or university already engaged. They didn’t know what the future held for them, so they decided that the most responsible way of taking care of themselves was to get a degree and, hopefully, get a job after they were done. Along the way, they met their future husbands. For some that was while they were in school, but for many other is was after school was done. Don’t you think it would have been awfully presumptuous of them to assume they would get married and therefore would never need to work?

Not to mention, what if something would happen to one of their husbands down the line? Do you think they could support a family on nothing but a high school diploma? I’d like to see that job.

The most important reason that I went to university is because God gave me an intellect and I felt a moral obligation to develop it. I still feel that obligation- I still learn on my own.

A good friend of mine recently said on the subject: “What a nonsensical queery. It is only to be considered a ‘waste’ if one feels only the least educated or ignorant should be raising children f/t and managing homes/families. Personally, I view education as a life long pursuit of unending value to an entire family, not just individuals within it.”

I agree.

It feels like women can never win. If we don’t go to university we are presumptuous and just waiting for a man to come pay our way in life.

If we do, but we marry, have kids, and choose not to work, then we wasted our money and time going to university.

If we choose to marry, have kids and WORK, then we get accused of not loving our family enough to stay home with them.

If we marry and decide to home school our children, but don’t have a degree, then we aren’t qualified to home school.

The whole thing is ridiculous. Why don’t we all just stop sticking our nose where it doesn’t belong and making assumptions about other people’s families? What ever happened to, if you can’t say something nice then don’t say anything at all?