Any other women with UNaffectionate husbands?

[Annunciata]

Three To Get Married by Archbishop Fulton Sheen is good…

.*Hidden Keys of a Loving, Lasting Marriage * by Gary Smalley is also good.

 

[misericordie]

sparkle:

Hi misericordie:

Hey thanks for your words! YOU will be a great husband --as most women I think, need lots of affection-----(MY former boyfriend before my husband was so affectionate—like you)…but then he had lots of other negatives…guess you can’t have it all–but from a woman’s point of view-------I think this is one of the main things we need from a man- along with being a good provider and father-----anyway–sometimes it’s the family of origin that’s the source of so many things to overcome-----marriage is indeed a challenge–don’t marry until you’re truly ready to forego others and to meet the challenges God has in store----

God is most likely preparing you right now to meet your future wife --just work on being a man of God----seeking HIS Will beyond anything else-----life is so exciting then!!!~~

Blessings~~

Yes, thanks. My sister who is 39 years old jokes with me(she has a great catholic marriage, a very catholic home, they even say grace all together as a family before dinner) and asks me all the time when I seem I am desperate to get married: “why do you want to get married in such a rush, it is not easy you know, be ready, you not only carry your own baggage, but the baggage of your spouse, and then there is the raising of the kids, the bills, etc.” At times, yes, she is right in my opinion. But, do I really eant to be all alone in life without a companion? .
Anyway, blessings.

 

[misericordie]

sparkle:

Hi Mike:

My husband is like you --totally NOT affectionate in public at all–which makes me feel like he doesn’t love me-----I really get so hurt by it…I know I shouldn’t as I’m certainly not at all bad to look at as I’ve been told so many times…actually too many. Which is I suppose one of MY problems. Of all the men who have been knocking my door down over the years, the ONE I chose is cold, calculated, unaffectionate, serious, smart, etc. Why is this?
When I grab my husband’s hand in public–he doesn’t like it --he pulls away after about 3 seconds but then we get home and he attacks me. He has often said he hates it when other men look at me, etc. but yet he’s so cold too at the same time. Whewww–maybe I’m just insecure in some ways…dunno…marriage is a challenge at times isn’t it?

Nice to hear your comments~~~~

Blessings~~

Whoa, seems he needs to consider Psychological counseling?  It can also be his parent never showed him affection, and he cannot tolerate it NOW. I really pitty you.  Is he a Machismo type of man?  I cannot picture being bothered by my girlfriend or future wife holding my hand.  I in turn would be very hurt if she did not like affection.  So many marriages become real crosses.  What about trying "The Marriage Encounter" group?   I don't know their web-site, etc. I don't know, ask your PASTOR in private, see a priest for spiritual direction.  Just don't tell your husband you go to a priest for spiritual direction to talk about his(your husband's )unaffection.  Some men are very PROUD and want their whole parish and their pastor and priest to BELIEVE all is hey okay.

Women, and men, please, KNOW your future spouse BEFORE you marry, when you first begin to date, talk, communicate, talk about affection, love, hearing each other out, etc. THEN, you can decide if they are for you, otherwise, their will be these surprises.

 

[asquared]

the proper question for this post is “any husbands out there who do know how to display affection?”
My husband is German, need I say more. If you love him you love all of him just the way he is. Don’t confuse your needs with his problems. Don’t look for excuses to diminish your love for him. You say he does not act lovingly. Does he work and support the family? Does he change to oil in your car? Change lightbulbs? Kill spiders? Take the kids to soccer and scouts? If you want to see signs of his love, look around you, and become aware of him instead of yourself, and find out who he really is and what he really does. If you want him to be loving, the place to start is by being a loving wife.

 

[puppylove]

Sparkle: As a cafeteria catholic, I had struggled with an unaffectionate partner for years, except for “you know when”. My situation sounds almost like yours. It is almost unbelievable how much these things have changed in my life when I began speaking to God during the day, saying the rosary daily, making confession often and taking the Eurcharist often too. In other words, I put God first. Since turning my life over to the power of God I have been given sanity and peace. I felt compelled to give something back to God. I will be teaching Jr. High Religion this year and I am contemplating fasting and adoration. When I stopped putting my needs first and put Jesus first, things changed dramatically in my life. God Bless you.

 

[sparkle]

Lilyofthevalley:

I don’t really care about love and affection in my marriage. I want my husband to realize he’s not the only one with wants and needs in life.
Believe me this is something I tell him a lot so I am not bad mouthing him here.

Hi LilyoftheValley:

I really enjoy reading all posts from you! You crack me up sometimes & I luv your little figures etc. how do you put them in your posts? They’re so cute!

Honestly----I do think most men need to realize that the world and their marriage doesn’t revolve around THEM! Isn’t that the truth? I think maybe they had moms who doted on them too much-----So I know what you mean–but I would think of course you do need some love and affection in your marriage Lily–we all do! Maybe you’ve just gotten used to it being the way it is for you–as I have too. My hubby will never be the lovey dovey type --even though I wish he were----I think it’s a very good idea to start with changing US first–and then the whole shebang might change as well, as someone mentioned. This is part of the reason I’m becoming a Catholic–I have realized I need to be totally filled with Christ, and His Church, and get outside of myself and Love Christ and others–and not be so concerned with Me, my heartbreaks, my sorrows-----etc. How freeing it is to know there’s many who need OUR love, and we have to give it–not sit around waiting to Get it------well To God be the glory --right? Only God and His Call can truly fill any of us–it’s just humanly hard sometimes --need to vent-----

Many Blessings~~

 

[sparkle]

misericordie:

Women, and men, please, KNOW your future spouse BEFORE you marry, when you first begin to date, talk, communicate, talk about affection, love, hearing each other out, etc. THEN, you can decide if they are for you, otherwise, their will be these surprises.

Yes --and really KNOW their family of origin too–and how it’s affected them! For a person’s family of origin is always with THEM, and can’t be just dusted off-----

Thanks for the good advice~~

 

[sparkle]

asquared:

the proper question for this post is “any husbands out there who do know how to display affection?”
My husband is German, need I say more. If you love him you love all of him just the way he is. Don’t confuse your needs with his problems. Don’t look for excuses to diminish your love for him. You say he does not act lovingly. Does he work and support the family? Does he change to oil in your car? Change lightbulbs? Kill spiders? Take the kids to soccer and scouts? If you want to see signs of his love, look around you, and become aware of him instead of yourself, and find out who he really is and what he really does. If you want him to be loving, the place to start is by being a loving wife.

Thank you for your post!!! YES indeed --you are so very right friend --and have alot of insight!~ My husband does all of these things you mention above—so guess that’s his way of showing love, but still I can’t help feeling hurt by his lack of affection sometimes~~thanks so much for pointing all this out

 

[KCT]

My husband was diagnosed ADD last year. One of the characteristics of ADD is not picking up on social cues. ADDers have to be told how to act in certain situations. Frequently, I have to point things out to dh (and ADD son). Gets tiring after a while —KCT

 

[Catholic4aReasn]

KCT:

My husband was diagnosed ADD last year. One of the characteristics of ADD is not picking up on social cues. ADDers have to be told how to act in certain situations. Frequently, I have to point things out to dh (and ADD son). Gets tiring after a while —KCT

Could you please e-mail me privately? I think my son may be ADHD and I’d like to pick your brain.

Thanks!

In Christ,
Nancy
Catholic4aReason@aol.com

 

[asquared]

Sparkle is entirely justified in feeling hurt by an affection challenged husband, but that is not the issue. thankfully we have a forum to express our feelings, without dumping on in-laws or girlfriends. So if you enjoy feeling hurt, wallow in it. If you enjoy feeling loved, focus on the loving things he does. I’m not talking about marriage therapy I am talking about your sanity. You’ve been with him long enough to know what you are not going to get, and the only thing you can change is your own attitude. Just please keep it in these anonymous forums, and don’t criticize him to other people. Mine just bought me a cell phone because I have a long commute and he wants me to have the security. As you recall, another German trait is having a hard time spending money, so from him this equals 12 months of flowers on special occasions.

 

[Lilyofthevalley]

Sparkle, thank-you for the kind post, to me =0)

=================================================
So I know what you mean–but I would think of course you do need some love and affection in your marriage Lily–we all do! Maybe you’ve just gotten used to it being the way it is for you–as I have too​

It is easy to. This may sound horrid but sometimes it’s like an old sock, you get TIRED of it and would rather stuff it in a drawer and forget about it.
Men, this may seem rough, but at times this is how SOME wives feel.
Of course some of the TAKE on his part in this marriage has been my fault. For instance HE really loved this house we are in NOW, and for HIS sake, I said, “Okay, let’s live here.”
Who knew it would turn into a big resentment>?

 

[LauraL]

I hope my situation isn’t at all like yours, Sparkle, but it is a great deal more common than Christians are ordinarily aware.

My first husband was not affectionate after we were married. I’m a very affectionate person, but whenever I’d reach even for a one-armed hug or to rest my hand on his arm or his back (even at home, in complete private!), he’d jerk away from me and say, in a very irritated voice, “Stop that! You know that bothers me!” There were other problems of inattention as well, and after 11 1/2 years we separated and then divorced.

He is now “Out” – the reason he didn’t want to be affectionate with me is because he finds physical contact with women distasteful and irritating. Actually, he wasn’t even “affectionate” when he “wanted something” – he could very happily have done without intimacy; it was I who initiated it. Okay, demanded it. But I have two gorgeous daughters in consequence!

It – the revelation, the lies – hurt terribly. It especially hurt when my daughters came home and laughed at how “cute” he was sitting and holding hands with his male companion while they watched tv. However, I survived, more or less psychologically intact :whacky:

Working in a law office several years later, we had four clients in the period of one summer, all of whom were married to men in ministry in their various churches, who had discovered a snake in the woodpile, if you know what I mean. Since then, in the past year to be exact, I have met four other Christian women who have discovered their (ex-) husbands are gay.

Again, I do hope this is NOT your situation. But I have a gut feeling that SOMEONE READING THIS THREAD is going to need to know that she is not alone in her own private torment. That’s why I’m sharing my story.

God bless you!

 

[puppylove]

May God bless you LauraL for having the courage to post in this thread. I cannot imagine the hurt you must have felt. I felt like I was competing with a mother-in-law, which made me uneasy, but you had to compete with the uncompetable. You know the saying, “There is always someone else in a worst situation than yourself.” You must be a strong woman and I applaud you.:clapping:

 

[pnewton]

Man’s point of view and advice

As a man who grew up without a lot of affection and little role model affection, I know it is difficult to overcoming one’s upbringing. I may never live up to the standard my wife will have, but I am always striving to improve in this area. I will give you two areas to help your husband appreciate affection.

1. Your husband doesn’t like affection? Wrong. There is one time when most men love affection and attention and that is when they are sick or hurt. Women become tougher, but men become babies. Invite sick (contagious) friends over often. Keep the floor mopped and wet. Have the children leave their skateboard in the hall way at night. Sooner or latter you will have a big baby on your hand that needs all the TLC you can give.
2. But if you want affection, then there is no better book than the Four Languages of Love. This is how my wife motivated me to improve my level of affection. She explained it to me and told me that I needed to read it. I thought to myself,“If I don’t want to read this touchy-feely mumbo-jumbo, I’d better start loving my wife like she wants to be loved.” So I knew what made her happy and started making it a point to give her regular touching, and occasionaly gifts. She is happy with the change and I avoided that book.

While I mean this somewhat tongue-in-cheek, being married to an affection wife has helped me change over time. Otherwise, why would I take time away from the great apologetics here and visit this little corner of Estrogen America.

 

[kage_ar]

My husband was not affectionate for years, we went through years of ups and downs - finally after separating, he was diagnosed with ADD. The right MEDs made him a happier version of himself - to the point where he was too affectionate (I’m one of those who is not comfortable with big public displays of affection)! Holding hands in a movie is one thing, but, arms all wrapped around me while I try to eat dinner is another! He was just having fun with his new found mental clarity, and evened out after awhile.

 

[carrieloon]

Are you saying that your husband is never affectionate, or that he does it only before and after sex?

The reason I ask is because I have a high sex drive and often find myself having trouble expressing my affection with my husband if there has been a lot of time elapsed since we were last together. I inevitably either want it to go further or it is just plain frustrating and painful to be that close to him and know that he just wants a hug but has no desire to take it further. It is hurtful, despite the fact that I know that he does NOT mean for it to be. So I tend to be standoffish and let him come to me for hugs and kisses (which I do not turn away, ever, are you saying that your H does?).

It is not right for me to be this way and I am working on it but I just thought I would throw it out in case that might be what is going on at your house.

 

[Shelby_Grace]

Dr. Laura’s books on this subject were both great!

I already treat my husband sweetly because it helped me get my needs fulfilled. Now, I have learned why it works…men have feelings too! Seems so elementary but today we women tend to focus on ourselves all the time…a result of the feminist movement.
Men can be so great and they deserve to be treated with respect and love too. I didn’t realize that my little snide comments and sarcasm even bothered him! He pretended not to care. So, I did it to feel better myself. Now, I have apologized to him for hurting his feelings…he really appreciated it.
What I learned in the book was that men crave appreciation and admiration for what they do manage to accomplish and then they automatically feel better and strive for more stroking…
As one commented…think about all the things he does do for you-that is proof of his love and wanting to be with you intimately shouldn’t be an insult. Look forward to those moments because it may be his way of showing you his love. If you give him rejection it could cut off those special feelings for you eventually…
I have not given my husband the respect he deserves…nor have I recognized the leadership in the family that IS his. Realizing my mistakes and apologizing has made a biiiggg difference in his anger level about stupid small things…he seems to be even more loving to me than ever and affectionate all the time.

Love in Jesus,
Shelby Grace

 

[wisdom_3_5]

Shelby Grace:

What I learned in the book was that men crave appreciation and admiration for what they do manage to accomplish and then they automatically feel better and strive for more stroking…
Shelby Grace

What do you do when you DO give appreciation/admiration and he throws it back in your face saying “you don’t know what you’re talking about.” or “Yeah, right, sure…” Am I not doing enough? Is he fishing for more? Does anyone else find it extremely difficult to compliment someone when you know you’re going to be chastised and made fun of? I try to offer up those hurt feeling, but its hard to go back for more. What does anyone else do?

 

[jrabs]

puppylove:

Sparkle: As a cafeteria catholic, I had struggled with an unaffectionate partner for years, except for “you know when”. My situation sounds almost like yours. It is almost unbelievable how much these things have changed in my life when I began speaking to God during the day, saying the rosary daily, making confession often and taking the Eurcharist often too. In other words, I put God first. Since turning my life over to the power of God I have been given sanity and peace. I felt compelled to give something back to God. I will be teaching Jr. High Religion this year and I am contemplating fasting and adoration. When I stopped putting my needs first and put Jesus first, things changed dramatically in my life. God Bless you.

Puppy, you have sound advice here. I have recently done this very same thing of seeking God in the same way you have ( frequent Eucharist, daily rosary, daily Adotaion, etc.), setting aside my will and desire, and asking for God to change me.

He can change me so that I can accept the man I love. God can change me if I am open to it. Forget about praying for God to change your spouse…ask for God to transform YOU! It has helped to deepen my love for God tremendously, in the process.