Any other women with UNaffectionate husbands?

[sparkle]

Thank you so much Shelby Grace–I truly know what you mean! It needs to be such an awareness of women doesn’t it? How to truly appreciate our men–YOU are completely right here! Thanks for reminding me again of it------
Your Friend~~

 

[Black_Jaque]

Sparkle,

I often see men who wished they had sex more often advised to be more affectionate to their wives, then the sex will come along.

I wonder if the converse advice would work for a woman in your situation. Have more sex with your husband and the affection might come along with it.

Let the lines between affection and lovemaking be blurred into one.

Also, let it be known to him that “real men take care of their wives”. This can be done in a third person format that doesn’t challenge him directly. Complimenting another husband, in your husband’s presence, on how well they take care of their wives. When speaking in a group about marriage or something, take the soap box and tell your friends that you think a man who takes care of his wife is Soooooo manly!

Find some itty-bitty way that your husband DOES take care of your needs and lavish compliments on him.

This is called “accentuate the positive; eliminate the negative”. Humm this in your head a bazillion times.

 

[Shelby_Grace]

Dear Wisdom,

When a man is suffering from low self-esteem…or guilty feelings, he may not be receptive to compliments and positive reinforcement.
For instance, if he knows inside he is “failing” at something, (or thinks he is), he may not feel like you are being genuine. If this is coupled with indicators that you are not happy or satified with him…say negative remarks or sarcasm or nagging him, he may tend to look at what you DO and it somehow cancels out the nice comment you have said to him…
Perhaps he is so used to being treated without respect, that he suspects you of even lying to him…or being fake towards him, is maybe more accurate to say.(Not that you have treated YOUR husband badly, Wisdom,but just an example for explanation purposes).
Nice comments given to someone with guilty feelings produces more guilt and then that person would react with distancing themselves from the one “causing” the guilt. Sounds crazy but I think it is true in a lot of people. I think the nicey/loving approach will work eventually but the mean stuff has to stop in order for him to start to believe it…helping him see his worth to you will take time and a lot of loving-emotionally and physically.

When I started being more observant to my husband ie:nice! the first reaction I got was: “Ok, what did you do?” I had called him up at work and asked him what he would like me to fix him for dinner…when he asked, " Why? What happened now?", I laughed and said, “Nothing happened. I just realized how hard you work and I do not have much to offer you in return today but a great meal and dessert later when the kids go to bed.”
There was a long silence. Then he said, “Well, I game for that. What time should I be home?”
He came home much earlier than normal and was in a very good mood.
Since then (about 3 weeks ago) I have kept up the nicey stuff and have noticed how much more grateful I feel. He is also responding to my needs more…a win/win situation. Concurrently, I am also working on standing back and watching him make the final decisions in our home life like he is called to be doing by God. We aren’t used to that. I am used to having control. I decided that this has caused more problems than I can say. He is the head and I am the heart of the home. I had usurped the head’s job because it seemed like the head fell off. It had become quite exhausting to be pumping blood then running up there and running the command center. While I was doing all that the real head was down there at my ankles biting me. Now, the real head is slowly working its way back unto the neck and the nerves are reconnecting. My load has been lessened.

Hopes this helps.

Love in Jesus,
Shelby Grace
PS.Women do have an untapped source of power to change relationships…as long as the man is basically good and has a desire to stay married (& isn’t on drugs,alcoholic or evil)…it works.

 

[sparkle]

Black Jaque:

Sparkle,

I often see men who wished they had sex more often advised to be more affectionate to their wives, then the sex will come along.
I wonder if the converse advice would work for a woman in your situation. Have more sex with your husband and the affection might come along with it.

Yes, I do think this is a truth, but there are also exceptions. You could have sex 4 times a day and have a husband still not affectionate in the least–it’s just not in their make-up–like my hubby! unfortunately~like the fellow who was a Marine–trained to be strong unaffectionate----blah blah blah—yes yes—we all make sacrificies in one way or another when we marry~

 

[sparkle]

Shelby Grace:

When a man is suffering from low self-esteem…or guilty feelings, he may not be receptive to compliments and positive reinforcementPerhaps he is so used to being treated without respect, etc…

Dear Friend Shelby Grace:

Thank you thank you for your kind, and RIGHT-ON response! As I notice, my husband, along with his brother and father were actaully, completely de-manned by his sick mother, who demeaned, and criticized her boys to the hilt. I really see how this has affected my husband! He has had nothing but be-littling his entire life from his mom, and has a total “wimp” of a father and it’s been a real road to cross here and a cross to bear for me. For I am not anything like his mom–yet these barriers are up and ready!! I think the cause of his unaffection-----he’s in the self-protective mode here~of course

Thank you so much for your insight in your posting! I really appreciate it!

 

[carrieloon]

Sparkle,
Why not try an experiment?

Speak your husbands love language, fully and completely, with no resentment for two weeks and see if there is a change in him. Really pay attention to what works and what he doesn’t seem to care for.

I know when I do this, and I mean really make the effort with no expectation of anything in return, he always delivers.

But it has to be for a good amount of time…long enough for him to get used to the new sparkle and enjoy her attentions. If it works, then maybe you could incorporate a lot of what you learned works with him into your daily routine.

Just an idea!

 

[LauraL]

Shelby Grace,
Way to go, Girl! I read a book a long time ago, and experienced the truths it taught in my second marriage. The writer spoke of how men have to be subjected to competition and judgment in their careers, but with their wives they should always find appreciation, acceptance and acceptance. Sounds like you figured out something very very important!

 

[sparkle]

I’ve noticed my husband is very selfish when “HE’S not feeling well–not had a good day at work, etc.” well then HE’S not affectionate–if HE doesn’t feel like it–well then he’s not attentive, this is most disconcerting. I feel as Christians we should look out for others first before ourselves–I try to—regardless as to how “I’'M feeling”…I try to put HIM first–well–maybe others are just not wired this way!

Last nite --hubby was totally and completely non-attentive–in Wed. nite church --mid week service–he arrived late—turned away from me body language completely non-comittal–looking all tired, pulled away when I held his hand—this has been sooo typical of his actions throughout our whole marriage----I thought what did I do? He doesn’t love me", etc. etc. well we got home come to find out he had a very hard day at work-----computer crashed, etc. work behind, deals fell through, etc. etc. WHY CAN’T MEN BE AFFECTIONATE ANYWAY? We wives are there to comfort, etc.guess some men just pull away into their shells when stuff happens–I know mine does----it hurts–and I somtimes take it too personally even though I shouldn’t. Oh shucks–I hate being too sensitive. Can’t help being too sensitive when this happens…I know when I get and think outside myself–WWJD? then I feel better…sometimes I know God put us together because my cold husband needs me—needs my affection and understanding----sometimes I just need the same too!

Thx for even reading this friends---------just needing to vent I suppose—

God Bless~~

 

[sparkle]

Friends:

I hate to even mention it–but I need some help–because I’m not feeling too good about my H lately–and in all actuality --am suffering from longings of the past --past loves–past boyfriends, etc…why one I even e-mailed recently and might even get together with him. Could be dangerous. I’m just feeling so unloved lately and ignored, and it just doesn’t seem to be enough to just be a good wife-go through the motions when your feelings and emotions are sooooo stifled like mine are. I feel like I’m married to a piece of stone—a cold huge boulder that is simply incapable of any feelings whatsoever. Perhaps I need to contact a counselor this next week because this is not how I want to live. It’s really affecting my marriage------

You all are so very lucky having spouses who are loving and affectionate. If you only knew. This has been one of my huge crosses to bear in my life–and it’s the p itts.

Forgive me–but I feel tremendously down lately. Last nite hubby comes home—totally acts like I’m not even there–no look, no kiss–no hug–just gets down to business–fixing something or other around the house------this is just NOT how marriage should be. It’s like a roomate situation except for sex. Don’t know if I can or want to suffer any longer.

Please pray for me friends. We have a good marriage otherwise just two totally different type personalities here.

 

[amazonjude]

yes girls i have been married for 8 years and my hubby is unloveing in so many ways… like no time together he would rather be on line looking at cars and trucks then me… and i have been alone so long im becoming livid with this…i want more out of my marriage and i have never gotton my needs met in any shape or form…i waited for the kids to move out… and then i got graves diease… and im ill until they fix me… we have very little sex if at all and we sleep in differant places, me on the couch and him in my bed…because he wont bath at night and smells like sweat and oil and gas… i have asked him to bath but he wont… i have asked him to spend sundays with me but he wont… he is a selfish only child… everything is me me me there is no giving on his part… its all for him im not even on our house paper work… or anything else either… hes had affairs, 2 of them i know of… and i thinking its time to get up and get out… and take him to the cleaners…i just caught him this morning on line looking at big fat women with big breasts… he shuts it off as soon i came in but then tryed to blames me or mimize his behavior…i asked him to take me to this site so i caould see what it was about… and he said ya he would later… well later came and no site…he said his buddy told him to look at it… im getting a recorder on this computer and will see whats so interesting to this moron…im done… i will bid my time and when it right im out of here…im just venting girls i ashamed and would never tell my friends about this because they hate him now…he lets him self go big and fat and not very good looking either…i once thought he was a good guy that was misunderstood… but im learning thats not the case he chooses to be unfaithful and a liar and dirty…

 

[baylee]

Hi Catholic Girlfriends out there:

Just wondering, do any of you “suffer” from true lack of affection from your hubbys? Hand-holding, kissing, putting his arm around you?-- cuddling–in general, having trouble being just plain affectionate? being compassionate? I sure do. This causes me to feel very hurt–and I have trouble dealing with it from time to time. My husband tells me he loves me, on the phone especially, but in person he’s totally un-affectionate accept when he wants something–you know what I mean…how do you deal with this? any helpful hints? I have really learned not to expect anything from another human being in this life-- as they will ultimately disappoint us in the long run…and I don’t think my husband will ever be any different either as his “sick” parents were certainly not affectionate in the least. Mine were the total opposite. Everyone in my family is a hugger. This has been so hard for me to accept, as I sure didn’t know this about him 16 years ago.!!! I have thought about having an affair now a couple times–but I never would----hopefully----today in Mass, the Priest talked about “being faithful” to the end --In the Book of Matthew 12-----but it’s so hard sometimes!! I know my husband looks at other women and I hate it.

Would appreciate any thoughts or comments–anyone has --or helpful advice—

Thx Friends~~

Have you ever communicated this to your husband? I would start there if not.

 

[rayne89]

Have you ever communicated this to your husband? I would start there if not.

Baylee you probably didn’t realize this but this thread originated in 2004. Sparkle was banned from the forum nearly three years ago.

 

[baylee]

Baylee you probably didn’t realize this but this thread originated in 2004. Sparkle was banned from the forum nearly three years ago.

Oh I see that…but it looks like amazonjude was the first to post to it and resurrect it…how does someone post to something so old???

 

[rayne89]

Oh I see that…but it looks like amazonjude was the first to post to it and resurrect it…how does someone post to something so old???

They may have done a search on a particular topic.

 

[baylee]

They may have done a search on a particular topic.

That makes sense, but take a look at “Pre-Marital Depression”. It originated last Spring and I was the first to post to it since…and I didn’t do a search.

 

[whatevergirl]

Hi Catholic Girlfriends out there:

Just wondering, do any of you “suffer” from true lack of affection from your hubbys? Hand-holding, kissing, putting his arm around you?-- cuddling–in general, having trouble being just plain affectionate? being compassionate? I sure do. This causes me to feel very hurt–and I have trouble dealing with it from time to time. My husband tells me he loves me, on the phone especially, but in person he’s totally un-affectionate accept when he wants something–you know what I mean…how do you deal with this? any helpful hints? I have really learned not to expect anything from another human being in this life-- as they will ultimately disappoint us in the long run…and I don’t think my husband will ever be any different either as his “sick” parents were certainly not affectionate in the least. Mine were the total opposite. Everyone in my family is a hugger. This has been so hard for me to accept, as I sure didn’t know this about him 16 years ago.!!! I have thought about having an affair now a couple times–but I never would----hopefully----today in Mass, the Priest talked about “being faithful” to the end --In the Book of Matthew 12-----but it’s so hard sometimes!! I know my husband looks at other women and I hate it.

Would appreciate any thoughts or comments–anyone has --or helpful advice—

Thx Friends~~

Not to negate what another poster or two said, but you don’t need marriage counseling over this, it doesn’t seem. Many men are like this even women can be. I think the fact that his parents were unaffectionate explains a lot…so, he didn’t exactly see it played out, didn’t learn it. Many of our behaviors, for better or worse, are learned. I would just grab his hand when you’re walking…many times, I will be the one to stick my hand out, and my husband takes it…not that he doesn’t want to hold my hand, but sometimes we are rushing along, he doesn’t think about it. Now, if your husband looks at you like you have two heads and says…‘I don’t want to hold your hand in public or whatever…’ then, you have a different problem to deal with. But, it just sounds like he doesn’t make that first move, when it comes to affection. IT’S NOT YOU. Just know that. It’s not his fault either, he just didn’t learn that from his parents, and our parents are SO influential to how we view the world, without them even knowing it! He doesn’t see anything wrong with not displaying his affection…I love you over the phone, suffices for him. So, in addition to making the first move here and there, tell him how you feel. Tell him…‘I feel hurt when you don’t extend your hand to me,’ etc…and see where the dialogue goes. Make sure it’s always a dialogue, and never a lecture, and you’ll make greater strides. Hope things change for the better…just be patient. He doesn’t mean to hurt you, always believe that.

 

[whatevergirl]

Oh, wait…I just read that your husband looks at other women, and you hate it. I missed that the first time around.

I still don’t think you need marriage counseling…over that. My husband is a healthy man who looks at attractive women, just like I look at attractive men. My husband always tells me how beautiful I am, etc…and I pay him compliments too. Now, if your husband is ogling women…there is a difference…lingering his stares…not paying attention to you when you are speaking, because his eyes are fixated on another woman…then, you must tell him. You must. Again, this could be learned behavior, from his dad, friends, other family…who knows. But, tell your husband you don’t like it…that you’d like him to change that…and hopefully, things will improve. I will keep you guys in my prayers!

 

[whatevergirl]

Friends:

I hate to even mention it–but I need some help–because I’m not feeling too good about my H lately–and in all actuality --am suffering from longings of the past --past loves–past boyfriends, etc…why one I even e-mailed recently and might even get together with him. Could be dangerous. I’m just feeling so unloved lately and ignored, and it just doesn’t seem to be enough to just be a good wife-go through the motions when your feelings and emotions are sooooo stifled like mine are. I feel like I’m married to a piece of stone—a cold huge boulder that is simply incapable of any feelings whatsoever. Perhaps I need to contact a counselor this next week because this is not how I want to live. It’s really affecting my marriage------

You all are so very lucky having spouses who are loving and affectionate. If you only knew. This has been one of my huge crosses to bear in my life–and it’s the p itts.

Forgive me–but I feel tremendously down lately. Last nite hubby comes home—totally acts like I’m not even there–no look, no kiss–no hug–just gets down to business–fixing something or other around the house------this is just NOT how marriage should be. It’s like a roomate situation except for sex. Don’t know if I can or want to suffer any longer.

Please pray for me friends. We have a good marriage otherwise just two totally different type personalities here.

((((sparkle))))) PLEASE…WHATEVER YOU DO…DO NOT GET TOGETHER WITH AN OLD FLAME. Bad bad territory to enter into. If you were not having doubts about your marriage, it might not be so precarious, but in this circumstance, don’t do it. I don’t think there is a need for anyone to have lunch with old flames, but that’s just me…but especially, if your marriage is suffering.

Looking outside of your marriage will never ever fix what is wrong in it. Just remember that. If you want your marriage to get better, you must work on it, with your husband.You must get down to the basics again…what brought you together? When did things change? Go back in time, when things were better…when did things take a different turn?

Please…don’t communicate your woes to another man, believe me…there will always be a man out there, who wants to comfort a married woman who is struggling in her marriage.Just like there are always women who seem to gravitate to married men in their times of need. playing the violin Seriously, you need to cry on your husband’s shoulder, not that of another man…trust me on this. I was separated from my husband, and men came out of the woodwork to ‘comfort’ me…yeah, uh huh.

You’re in my prayers.

 

[whatevergirl]

Hi Mike:

My husband is like you --totally NOT affectionate in public at all–which makes me feel like he doesn’t love me-----I really get so hurt by it…I know I shouldn’t as I’m certainly not at all bad to look at as I’ve been told so many times…actually too many. Which is I suppose one of MY problems. Of all the men who have been knocking my door down over the years, the ONE I chose is cold, calculated, unaffectionate, serious, smart, etc. Why is this?
When I grab my husband’s hand in public–he doesn’t like it --he pulls away after about 3 seconds but then we get home and he attacks me. He has often said he hates it when other men look at me, etc. but yet he’s so cold too at the same time. Whewww–maybe I’m just insecure in some ways…dunno…marriage is a challenge at times isn’t it?

Nice to hear your comments~~~~

Blessings~~

Also, somewhere along the lines, your husband grew to only associate affection with sex. One can just hold hands, or hug, without it leading somewhere. So, he is either ‘attacking’ you for sexual reasons…or he avoids physical contact whatsoever with you…thus,you are left to feel like an object. I’d explain that to him, and that sexuality is a gift, and that you are not an object. You have a few things going on in here that need to be dealt with, hopefully, your husband will be open to dialogue.

 

[ack]

As noted before, sparkle left the forum years ago and will not be reading your message. (You’re a long-time forum member – do you remember her? I remember that she caused quite a stir when she left.)

Also, somewhere along the lines, your husband grew to only associate affection with sex. One can just hold hands, or hug, without it leading somewhere. So, he is either ‘attacking’ you for sexual reasons…or he avoids physical contact whatsoever with you…thus,you are left to feel like an object. I’d explain that to him, and that sexuality is a gift, and that you are not an object. You have a few things going on in here that need to be dealt with, hopefully, your husband will be open to dialogue.