Any suggestions?

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Clearwater14

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Any suggestions what I should do in my marriage? I have already went to marriage counseling with my husband. We saw two different priests and we also saw professional marriage counselors. I have proof that my husband is lying about cheating on me, but he refuses to admit it. Since I found out, he stopped cheating on me. What am I supposed to do now?

:signofcross::signofcross::gopray:
 
Clearwater14 said:
Any suggestions what I should do in my marriage? I have already went to marriage counseling with my husband. We saw two different priests and we also saw professional marriage counselors. I have proof that my husband is lying about cheating on me, but he refuses to admit it. Since I found out, he stopped cheating on me. What am I supposed to do now?

:signofcross::signofcross::gopray:
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Its very hard and may be inappropriate for anyone on a forum to give you any direct advice. Did you follow up on what the priests or the marriage counsellors told you? In any event you are hurting and need to forgive your husband as that is what the Lord commands us to do, even if he (your husband) isn’t admitting or asking for forgiveness. This act of forgiveness is more about your spiritual well being than your husbands’. It doesn’t in anyway condone what he did, nor does forgiving mean that there are not consequences to what has happened and the bond of trust between you and your husband may take a long time to heal. I know its hard to forgive but even if it isn’t perfect as the pain and anger is still there it is the act of trying that is most important. Sometimes we start by talking to the Lord, saying Lord I know that it is Your will that I forgive the person that hurt me and I do will to forgive them as much as I am able to at this time because I know that is Your will. (I call it forgiving through clenched teeth). It may not be perfect but the Lord can take it and perfect over time as he heals our wounds.

God bless. Praying for you both.
 
I’m at a loss. I guess cheating means different things to different people. My husband got a private lap dance alone with a stripper who was completely naked. Touching breasts and holding onto the stripper as she grinded on his pants occurred. To me this is cheating. I have proof because his friends emailed him and i read the email. Also, the other guys girlfriends also told me. My husband also failed a lie detector test. I have other proof as well… text messages.

It bothers me greatly that he refuses to admit. He keeps changing his story and denies everything.

My priest and marriage counselor told me to forgive. But, i am having trouble forgiving.

Please advise.
 
Clearwater14 said:
I’m at a loss. I guess cheating means different things to different people. My husband got a private lap dance alone with a stripper who was completely naked. Touching breasts and holding onto the stripper as she grinded on his pants occurred. To me this is cheating. I have proof because his friends emailed him and i read the email. Also, the other guys girlfriends also told me. My husband also failed a lie detector test. I have other proof as well… text messages.

It bothers me greatly that he refuses to admit. He keeps changing his story and denies everything.

My priest and marriage counselor told me to forgive. But, i am having trouble forgiving.

Please advise.
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Post 3 from Deacon Jeff is right on in my opinion. Can you forgive and move on? That is a decision you will have to make. No one can make that for you albeit counselors and priests can certainly add insight and perspective and it seems you have availed yourself to those resources.

I will pray for your discernment as to “where to go from here” regarding your marriage.

Mary.
 
The real issue is he doesn’t see it as cheating, most men that visit strip clubs and or watch pornography don’t associate that activity with cheating. So he has to come to understand what Jesus meant when He said if you look at a woman with lust it is the same as adultery.
 
He stopped the behavior, but hasn’t admitted to it. You have been told to forgive him by (two?) priests and a marriage counselor and are struggling with that, close enough?

First things first, pray for the grace to love him like God loves him. Then sit down and write everything about him you are grateful for. If you get stuck keep going with just positive qualities. If you have trouble with even that, start writing down “He puts up with”, and list your faults. Add items as they come to mind and you might even start writing down little acts of kindness he performs.

That done, you have everything you need for the next bit: whenever you start to get upset thinking about what happened, get out the list and take one of the items and bring it to God, spend a bit of time thinking about how great it is that he opens doors for you, or puts up with your morning hair, or has a lovely singing voice, and really spend time with God thanking Him for your husband. Move to other items on your list or even just little acts of kindness your husband has performed today, this week, etc. as need be. Why? Because you are trying to recall the act and forgive the act. Not even God does that. God forgets our sins as soon as we confess them. He doesn’t whitewash our actions, He whitewashes us. Forget the act and forgive the person (doesn’t have to mean being naive).

I will conclude with a passage from the great Fulton J. Sheen on this sort of situation:
“Selfish love would seek to get rid of the other person because he is a burden. Christian love takes on the burden, in obedience to the Divine command: ‘Bear the burden of one another’s failings; then you will be fulfilling the law of Christ’ (Gal. 6:2)” [Three to Get Married, p189] (I highly recommend this book)
 
There are three problems…that he did it and that he is denying and not asking forgiveness. Which is tbe one that’s holding u back?

If he admits it and asks for forgiveness can u move on? If so, tell him this and stick to it. If u cannot forgive even if he does this,and is truly sorry, the it’s a different answer.
 
mommy_k said:
There are three problems…that he did it and that he is denying and not asking forgiveness. Which is tbe one that’s holding u back?

If he admits it and asks for forgiveness can u move on? If so, tell him this and stick to it. If u cannot forgive even if he does this,and is truly sorry, then it’s a different answer.
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^This.

It is much more difficult to forgive someone who will not admit what he did, and therefore shows little or no remorse. I imagine the OP is also finding it difficult to trust her husband if he is still lying.
 
The way I see it, if there is really conclusive proof, as in no room for any reasonable doubt about whether the adultery occurred, and the husband still denies without offering as much as a plausible explanation (a realistically possible version of events that isn’t contradicted by strong evidence), then the OP is justified in concluding that the husband is lying and also justified in making some demands such as: (i) counselling or treatment, especially if the behaviour can be related to some sort of mental or personality problem that has already been diagnosed before, especially any disorder that affects one’s grip on reality or one’s ability to confront it; (ii) some convincing proof that it didn’t happen, something more than flat denial and simple naked assertion of innocence.

Additional things to consider in this awful situation:
– denying that adultery took place (‘I didn’t cheat!’) may be denying that the offending event was adultery (questionable opinion about the significance of the fact) rather than denying the event itself (existence of the fact), and that would not be lying
– a stubbornly denying person could use a civilized conversation about how denying an event doesn’t unmake it and isn’t helping, it’s pointless, and how one’s ready to forgive him for the event (the offender may be doubting the victim’s capacity to forgive) but not to accept lies about it
– such a person also needs a reminder about the consequences of not confessing or lying in confession
– people suffering from mental issues aren’t really being themselves — it’s similar to how physical diseases reduce the strength or mobility of one’s body, except here it’s their mind or will; it may be difficult for us to see them as sick people when they are harming us with their conduct, but that’s what they are (there is some analogy with people who get intoxicated on some sort of substance without intending to and do things in that state, before they sober up)
 
The only suggestion I can think of is to forgive him, which is obviously easier said than done. However, you’re going to be miserable until you do.

Yes, what his did was objectively cheating, but it sounds like there are some mitigating factors. It sounds like only one incident occurred where he went with a group of friends to a strip club and things got out of hand. It sounds like he did not deny what happened but denies that he intended to cheat on you.

I think that may be the point where you are talking past each other. For whatever reason, he did not believe what he was doing counted as infidelity, despite the fact that it objectively is. Maybe he thought it was a joke? Maybe he was putting on a show for some really immature friends? Maybe he wasn’t thinking about how this looked and how deeply you would be hurt? Would you be able to forgive him easier if he admitted that what he did was wrong but maintained that it wasn’t his intention at the time to be unfaithful?

Would he be willing to agree to some reasonable boundaries to prevent anything like this happening again? (no more strip clubs, no more hanging out with the stellar human beings that patronize strip clubs, objectify women, watched a married man let a stripper bump and grind on him, laughed at it, and then went and tattled to his wife)

Those are some suggestions, but it ultimately comes down to you being able to forgive him.
 
Based on the limited information available I don’t blame him for keeping his mouth shut. You’re obviously obsessed about this and likely needling him day and night - seriously, a lie detector test? Does he have reason to think that will get better if he comes completely clean? I think he probably believes that a full confession will merely hand you a very effective club to beat him with - at home, if you stay, or in divorce court if you leave.

What he did crossed the line, no question, but it’s not like he had an affair with your best friend. If he is otherwise a good man, think hard before you flush your family down the toilet. Also, stop torturing yourself. You say you have evidence of his indiscretion. Then act on it, or choose to forgive him. This is no way to live.
 
Part of me thinks that even if he admitted to it, it would not satisfy you. It would only shift your unhappiness to it being confirmed. (“How can I forgive a man that admits he cheated?”)

All I can suggest is what others have said. Forgive him, whether he admits it or not. **You **know what he did, whether he admits it or not, so you can forgive him or not. It almost seems sounds like a technicality: I will only forgive you once you admit what you did. No, you must forgive, for your own sake, even if he never admits it.
 
I come to this site because I feel that people really do care and they want to help each other. I read all of your suggestions. Thank you so much for responding to my post and if you have anymore ideas please send them this way.

There is too much to type. To sum it up so you won’t have to read a novel I know my husband is lying. Yes, I do have proof. I have so much proof that it is ridiculous that he doesn’t admit to me what happened. It only makes him look like a liar and it makes me look like a joke.

I know that he went to several strip clubs (at least 20) since we were married behind my back. I know that he has gotten lap dances from strippers at least 3 times.The last lap dance that I found out about wasn’t just an ordinary lap dance. It was a lap dance in a private room alone with the stripper. This cost $200 for 30 minutes. There was a lot of touching between both my husband and the stripper. The stripper was completely naked. Honestly, I don’t know why strip clubs are even legal, because they are brothels. Don’t believe anyone that says men can only look but not touch.

I read the comment that many men think getting lap dances are not cheating. To me, this is an excuse to cheat. If these men truly believed what they were doing wasn’t wrong then why keep it a secret from your wife? Why not invite your wife to come along? Could you imagine the reaction of a wife watching her husband getting a lap dance from a naked stripper? Yep! This is why husband’s don’t tell their wives, because it is cheating!

I am having a terrible time forgiving my husband, because I know he is lying and he continues to lie to me every time I ask him about it. This has eroded all trust in our relationship. It would be easier for me to forgive him if he admitted to me what he did, said it was an awful mistake, and promised to never do it again. I would forgive him because he confessed to me what happened, and told me the truth. It is much harder for me to forgive him now, because I know he is lying and this shows me that he has little respect for me and my feelings. Like I said before, I would rather know the truth than be fed a lie. Lies come from the Devil.

On a positive note my husband has stopped going to strip clubs. We also pray at night together. He tells me that he loves me and wants our marriage to grow stronger. He even mentioned to me that we should renew our wedding vows.

We went to marriage counseling, because of this problem. We saw our parish priests, and we also saw marriage counselors etc. However, we stopped going, because my husband refused to tell the truth on what happened. He refused to admit that he ever got a lap dance. He refused to admit that he has gone to more than 3 strip clubs. We are at a roadblock, because he would not tell the truth and I was tired of sitting in marriage counseling when he continued to lie and not take ownership for his mistakes.

I do feel very strongly that something like this should never be hidden from your spouse. The lying is what bothers me the most. How can we build a strong marriage on top of lies? This doesn’t solve the problem. It only makes it worse.

The two priests at my church and my marriage counselors told me to try to forgive. I am trying my best, but it has been very difficult. I wished that my husband would admit to me what he did so the trust in our marriage can start to rebuild.

This entire situation has been very hurtful to me. The lies have hurt me the most. I love my husband, but I hate his lies. The Devil is telling him to continue to lie to me.

I will pray to Jesus every day that my husband will tell me the truth. This has been a very difficult road for me. Our marriage is suffering and we are both very sad.

Any suggestions are appreciated.

:gopray2:
 
Forgiveness is a process and it can take time. I’m sorry he wont tell you the truth and I don’t think you are a bad person for not being able to just get over it. I would keep praying and look after your mental health.
 
Thank you for your suggestion. Unfortunately, I have said this to my husband multiple times. He still refuses to tell me about what he did. He still denies it. Even though I have proof from multiple sources.
 
I am very sorry to read how unhappy you are. I can tell you’re miserable.

Forgiving is not easy. But, it is the only thing that will allow you to move past this. Continuing to carry this will harden your heart.

This kind of stress can lead to all kinds of medical issues as well. You do not have the power to change your husband…only yourself.

Sounds like your husband is trying to repair your marriage. Actions speak louder than words. Pride can get in the way sometimes, on both sides. And I’m not certain the devil isn’t trying to drive a deeper wedge between you and your husband. Don’t let the devil win. Praying the Holy Spirit will guide you to forgiveness.

God Bless You.
 
You have to excuse me but I don’t understand some things. I am so very sorry, and don’t want to add to your pain. I look at details alot in posts. There are a few details that don’t add up for me…

You said the last time your husband got a lap dance, he and the stripper went into a private room, just the two of them and she was fully naked, and there was alot of touching going on between them and he had his hands on her… but the only person besides your husband that knows what transpired in there was the stripper. If this information was given to you by anyone else, it may not be the truth to what happened-- even if your husband texted someone about this, it may be sort of a bragging text. Even if you got a bill, it does not prove what actually happened in there.
I admit, it looks bad for your husband…but it is a private room. If someone is telling u this as fact, they are wrong to assume.

I am guessing people do not have access to lie detectors, unless they are law enforcement. You didn’t answer me upthread. If he is, then they have to go to these places for thier job.

I am not condoning what your husband did but I think there’s more to this. I think some of your proof is faulty and coming from people who enjoy stirring the pot.
 
Clearwater14 said:
Any suggestions what I should do in my marriage? I have already went to marriage counseling with my husband. We saw two different priests and we also saw professional marriage counselors. I have proof that my husband is lying about cheating on me, but he refuses to admit it. Since I found out, he stopped cheating on me. What am I supposed to do now?

:signofcross::signofcross::gopray:
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What would you do if your husband told you the truth in vivid detail? Do you feel that your marriage would be better?
 
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