Any women here who did NOT plan (or want) a fancy dream wedding?

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ToeInTheWater

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While I am not even sure anymore if I am suited to marriage, growing up I did expect to eventually marry and have children. While I am still open to that, I do think it is quite possible that is not in the cards.

However, even when I hoped to marry, I really never had any fancy detailed plan for a “dream wedding” that had to be followed to a tee despite the expenses or inconvenience to others. A quick courthouse wedding with 2 witnesses would be just fine with me. (Yes, I know that if I become Catholic I must marry in the Church, but even there the minimum requirements are to have a priest or deacon and 2 witnesses, not even a wedding Mass is required.)

So, am I completely abnormal as a woman, for having this nonchalant approach to my possible wedding? I don’t even care about the honeymoon, there are certain things I know I do NOT want such as a cruise, as I have heard too many horror stories and I get seasick quite easily. But I’d probably go along with whatever my husband wanted as long as it wasn’t too crazy.
 
It can be fun to dream. I dream a lot about things I would do to my house if I had the time or money.

But, in reality, the walls still need painting, the shelves I would love to hang haven’t been purchased, etc. Because of time, money, or whatever.

Same with a wedding. When the time comes, you and your fiancé will decide what you can afford, what you want, and how your day will go.

I never particularly wanted a large wedding, but my husband has a large family and we decided that having our family and friends at our wedding was important to both of us. We had a large wedding, but we made decisions that allowed it to have the people we wanted within the budget we had to work with. We had a large wedding because we wanted all the people to celebrate with us, not because we wanted an over the top “dream” wedding. we kept it simple, I did a lot my self-- made my own invitations, got budget flowers, had friends help me, had a very small wedding party, etc.

I think the “dream” weddings you see on TV are sinful.
 
ToeInTheWater said:
While I am not even sure anymore if I am suited to marriage, growing up I did expect to eventually marry and have children. While I am still open to that, I do think it is quite possible that is not in the cards.

However, even when I hoped to marry, I really never had any fancy detailed plan for a “dream wedding” that had to be followed to a tee despite the expenses or inconvenience to others. A quick courthouse wedding with 2 witnesses would be just fine with me. (Yes, I know that if I become Catholic I must marry in the Church, but even there the minimum requirements are to have a priest or deacon and 2 witnesses, not even a wedding Mass is required.)

So, am I completely abnormal as a woman, for having this nonchalant approach to my possible wedding? I don’t even care about the honeymoon, there are certain things I know I do NOT want such as a cruise, as I have heard too many horror stories and I get seasick quite easily. But I’d probably go along with whatever my husband wanted as long as it wasn’t too crazy.
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When my cousin got married, she had a fairly simple wedding that was very beautiful in its simplicity. It wasn’t a massive wedding - they had the extended family and friends, but not loads of people. My cousin had her hair done nicely but didn’t wear a veil. She had a maid of honour, her husband had a best man, and my youngest brother was the ring bearer. They had no other attendants. There was a party and everything, and of course decorations, but nothing was “over the top”.

When Hubby and I got married, we had everything in our local community centre - where I had attended community activities for years. We had some people we knew cater the reception. We had decorations and things, but again, not “over the top”. My dress was beautiful, but relatively simple. About 75 people came.

Something doesn’t have to be extremely fancy with lots of bells and whistles to be beautiful and meaningful.
 
ToeInTheWater said:
So, am I completely abnormal as a woman, for having this nonchalant approach to my possible wedding?
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My wife is the same way.

The modern culture is narcissistic, and this is why folks like to fantasize that their wedding day should be a day wherein they are treated like celebrities while wasting tens of thousands of dollars.

The massive wedding industry stokes the flames.

I once heard a professional musician remark, “I can’t even get paid 5 bucks sometimes for doing work, except at weddings. People who are getting married will pay out the nose for anything.”

Big weddings are a gimmick.
 
I never wanted a big wedding ala “Father of the Bride,” either. I laughed and sympathized with Steve Martin’s character trying to put the breaks on runaway wedding expenses. That was never my “dream,” but for some, it is. If a family has the money for it, and the brides really wants it, it isn’t necessarily sinful to have a big, fancy wedding. After all, everyone in the wedding industry have families to support and the USA is a free country in which people may spend their money as they please. So, I can’t fault others for wanting what I’m not interested in having, anymore than I can fault them for wanting a lakeside home or an expensive car, or other such luxury items. It is an industry, but it’s one we are free to pay into or not, as we want/are able to do.

My dh’s and my wedding was a simple as we could make it. Just my sister for matron of honor, my dh’s friend for groom, family and friends in attendance in our small parish church, and catering by friends of our family. The only things we paid for was a homemade wedding dress, flowers, stipend for the musician (one organist) and the presiding priest, and a cake. It was lovely, simple, and all about our wedding vows and not about who we were, what we had, or wowing anyone.

I’d have loved to have it even simpler, but we had other’s sensibilities to take into account, such as my mother, who bemoaned how plain we wanted things to be. She and my dad were married before a justice of the peace, and her second marriage after she had been widowed was before a minister with no frills of any kind. I’m sure she wanted to live vicariously through my wedding, poor woman. So, we gave into some of her ideas, but otherwise, it was a simple affair.

You are not unnatural in your desire for simplicity. Nor would you be a glutton if you had your heart set on a big affair. As I see it, if our intentions are pure, it doesn’t matter one way or the other. 😉
 
My 2 cents:

The most important part of the day is the Mass and there’s not much you can do to personalize that other than choose the readings and songs. The rest is just icing on the cake (pun intended).

If you don’t want fancy don’t have fancy. If you do, and you can afford it, go ahead.

As far as planning ahead for an event that may or may not take place. I think some young women are very invested in this, but I think there are probably just as many who are not. My daughter has a pinterest board for her wedding and she’s not even seriously dating anyone at this point. When she sends me stuff she’s looking at, I usually tease her "don’t you need a proposal first?’ LOL

She has a friend who is engaged and will be married summer of 18 who has little interest in the planning stages at this time. 🤷 To each his own.
 
I daydreamed about marriage, not about my wedding, if that makes sense. I was never a “girly girl” and it just wasn’t important to me. God was, and people, so I know I wanted it in our community church with family and friends as witnesses. I did have one request from my dad, which was a new dress (we were raised very frugally and I had borrowed and rented prom dresses), and my new sister-in-law owned a dress shop, so that worked out. Small cake. Didn’t pay for a photographer, entertainment, or decorations except the flowers I/we carried. We used the church candles. My uncle, a baptist preacher, married us… that’s about it. Hubby wanted whatever I wanted. 20 years later I’m still very happy about our wedding, and people still talk about our wedding.
 
I did dream about a large fancy wedding and I had one…

However…

I think most realize that the externals are not as important as what is in the heart. That’s what counts. Nothing wrong with either choice.
 
Growing up, I never dreamed about getting married, let alone having a big wedding/reception. There was a part of me that thought I would eventually get married and maybe adopt kids if I married older than my 20’s, just because that’s what people do— they grow up, get married, have a family. It didn’t occur to me until much later that not everyone follows the same path. Frankly, I have never felt called to be married (and at 51 years old, I suspect I never will), but as a kid, it kind of made me wonder if I was weird for not having the same dreams/fantasies that my sisters and friends had about getting married, having kids, all that stuff.
I don’t think you are unusual for not dreaming about having a huge, fancy wedding; and I certainly don’t think it is odd to wonder if you are not even called to marriage.
 
DanielStDominic said:
The modern culture is narcissistic, and this is why folks like to fantasize that their wedding day should be a day wherein they are treated like celebrities while wasting tens of thousands of dollars…

The massive wedding industry stokes the flames.

I once heard a professional musician remark, “I can’t even get paid 5 bucks sometimes for doing work, except at weddings. People who are getting married will pay out the nose for anything.”

Big weddings are a gimmick.
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I wouldn’t go as far to say “big weddings are a gimmick” or assume all who have such weddings are narcissistic sinners. As 1ke mentioned some people have big families who want to be included and that would necessitate a big wedding. Not all brides who have such weddings are Bridezillas.

What I do find objectionable is when people justify cohabitation due to “not being able to afford to get married”, I can think of one Catholic woman who both had a dream wedding and who cohabitated and this seemed to be her reason, or at least rationalization.

I have also been part of low-budget low-key weddings, one was for an immigrant couple who certainly couldn’t afford a big wedding. My mother was in charge of the flowers, and I recall that when she went to the florist she saw some wilted roses that the florist had thrown in a dumpster, and asked if she could take them so she could use the petals to scatter at the wedding, and they let her have them. (She also paid for non-wilted flowers for other decorations).

ETA: I also know a woman who got married in a courthouse in college and didn’t want the big wedding either, but eventually was talked into holding a grand reception by her family; but they also helped her pay for it. She’s been married over 20 years now.
 
Everyone is different.

I think it’s good to not get caught up in ‘the industry’.

What’s advertised is not necessarily ‘the norm’, or something you have to do.

We had a fun wedding reception.

It doesn’t take stuff to have fun, it takes friends and family.

We were not stressed in the least in planning. It was all about checking things off the list in lead up to that fun time, not hunting for ‘the perfect fill-in-the-blank’.
 
ToeInTheWater said:
I wouldn’t go as far to say “big weddings are a gimmick” or assume all who have such weddings are narcissistic sinners. As 1ke mentioned some people have big families who want to be included and that would necessitate a big wedding. Not all brides who have such weddings are Bridezillas.
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Sadly, though a lot of people think they need to make a big splash in order to keep up with others or feel validated in their life choices. The reasons for having small, budget friendly weddings or big expensive ones probably varies quite widely, depending on what people want/intend, yes?
What I do find objectionable is when people justify cohabitation due to “not being able to afford to get married”, I can think of one Catholic woman who both had a dream wedding and who cohabitated and this seemed to be her reason, or at least rationalization.
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Again, sadly, many young people, Catholics included, have bought into secular society’s values in order to keep in step and not be thought odd for having values the world sees as unnecessary/restrictive/old-fashioned, etc. Our young people spend far more time amongst secularists than they do amongst people of faith who have a different standard of values. I think it’s only fair to give such people some slack, without excusing anything, but many are not culpable for the decisions they make when they’ve been poorly catechized or have spent 99% of their time amongst secular-minded people.
I have been part of low-budget low-key weddings, one was for an immigrant couple who certainly couldn’t afford a big wedding. My mother was in charge of the flowers, and I recall that when she went to the florist she saw some wilted roses that the florist had thrown in a dumpster, and asked if she could take them so she could use the petals to scatter at the wedding, and they let her have them. (She also paid for non-wilted flowers for other decorations).
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It’s wonderful to find ways to have a nice wedding on a budget, especially when needs must. Again, it depends on what can be spent and why a couple wants a big affair or just a small one, doesn’t it? 🙂
 
I always thought a tea-time reception would be fun. Instead of a full meal, have a well-stocked selection of various teas and serve tea sandwiches and small cookies and other light refreshments. Frugal while still being enjoyable.
 
I didn’t exactly have a “dream,” but I did want to have everybody in my family (and I have a good-sized extended family) there and to do everything right. For example, I wanted to get married in my home town, which is traditional.

As it happened, one side of the family went into a huge snit and decided to boycott our wedding, so all of those plans got revised. We wound up having essentially a Catholic elopement in the city where we both were living and we didn’t have any family at the wedding. The budget for everything (and I mean EVERYTHING) was well under $1,000 (I think it was probably $700ish). I cooked a wedding brunch myself.

Looking back, there are some things I would have liked to do differently in terms of handling the sulky relatives (we got too sucked into the relatives’ drama vortex), but the wedding itself was fine and not at all stressful.
ToeInTheWater said:
While I am not even sure anymore if I am suited to marriage, growing up I did expect to eventually marry and have children. While I am still open to that, I do think it is quite possible that is not in the cards.

However, even when I hoped to marry, I really never had any fancy detailed plan for a “dream wedding” that had to be followed to a tee despite the expenses or inconvenience to others. A quick courthouse wedding with 2 witnesses would be just fine with me. (Yes, I know that if I become Catholic I must marry in the Church, but even there the minimum requirements are to have a priest or deacon and 2 witnesses, not even a wedding Mass is required.)

So, am I completely abnormal as a woman, for having this nonchalant approach to my possible wedding? I don’t even care about the honeymoon, there are certain things I know I do NOT want such as a cruise, as I have heard too many horror stories and I get seasick quite easily. But I’d probably go along with whatever my husband wanted as long as it wasn’t too crazy.
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I never wanted a huge wedding, but I do like pretty things. Our wedding wasn’t really small but wasn’t large either- I think about 50 people or so. I found my dress on clearance (it was still very nice) and we were married at a time that the church was still decorated for a holiday, so we didn’t need to pay for flowers as decorations. My parents paid for a nice sit-down lunch (lunch is cheaper than dinner) and we had very simple decorations. Our wedding party was very small. Things we did splurge a little on were hair and makeup for me, a photographer, and we did go on a honeymoon. (I always said I never cared about that too, but when we were engaged it was pretty fun to plan and something to look forward to.)

There’s nothing wrong with having just two witnesses and the priest, but I look back very fondly on our wedding day. We got to celebrate with everyone we loved, and we have some lovely pictures and great memories. It’s not wrong to celebrate something that should be (and is) a very big deal. I don’t think people should spend more than they can afford, but there are ways to make it affordable and nice without going over the top.
 
Maybe the “1950s America is the only viable model for gender roles” types will condemn me as a disordered sorry excuse for a man… but it was more me than my wife who insisted on a proper wedding celebration (nice old church, reception, music, caterers, etc.). She would have been happy with a private courthouse affair (she’s not Catholic).
 
We had a relatively small (about 100 people) wedding and included flowers, an organist, and photographer. The reception was just a very nice cake, punch, assorted nuts, and some soft, shaped cream cheese mints. I and my bridesmaids all rented our dresses. It worked out fine and it was 50 years ago.
 
ToeInTheWater said:
While I am not even sure anymore if I am suited to marriage, growing up I did expect to eventually marry and have children. While I am still open to that, I do think it is quite possible that is not in the cards.

However, even when I hoped to marry, I really never had any fancy detailed plan for a “dream wedding” that had to be followed to a tee despite the expenses or inconvenience to others. A quick courthouse wedding with 2 witnesses would be just fine with me. (Yes, I know that if I become Catholic I must marry in the Church, but even there the minimum requirements are to have a priest or deacon and 2 witnesses, not even a wedding Mass is required.)

So, am I completely abnormal as a woman, for having this nonchalant approach to my possible wedding? I don’t even care about the honeymoon, there are certain things I know I do NOT want such as a cruise, as I have heard too many horror stories and I get seasick quite easily. But I’d probably go along with whatever my husband wanted as long as it wasn’t too crazy.
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Nope, you are not being abnormal.

A lot of women, including me keep do not dream of fancy weddings.

In fact to me, the whole white wedding, marching down the aisle with bridesmaids seems a bit silly.

But that’s just me.
 
1ke said:
I never particularly wanted a large wedding, but my husband has a large family and we decided that having our family and friends at our wedding was important to both of us. We had a large wedding, but we made decisions that allowed it to have the people we wanted within the budget we had to work with. We had a large wedding because we wanted all the people to celebrate with us, not because we wanted an over the top “dream” wedding.
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Same. Ours was a large wedding because we have large families and several close mutual friends going as far back as high school. We chose to get married the day after Thanksgiving specifically to accommodate as many of our guests as possible since so many have off from work that day and our out-of-state friends would be back in town visiting their families.

Ideally, my husband would have liked to have the reception at the local firehouse or in someone’s backyard like his parents did. But it quickly became clear that too many people that we actually wanted to show up would have to be left out to make that happen unless we prioritized friends over family, which felt really distasteful to both of us.

But there’s nothing wrong with small. Ideally, I would hope our daughter also wants as many of her loved ones as possible at her wedding as well but if she chooses to go small that’s all fine by me as long as it’s valid, it’s what she TRULY wants, and her parents are invited. 😉
 
I never really put a lot of thought into my future wedding until I was engaged. I really wanted my family and friends to come and have a good time. I didn’t have a lot of specifics, but I did have some things that I knew I didn’t want because I hadn’t liked them at other weddings I’d been to.
 
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