Anyone called to be single?

[BarbaraTherese]

Some men and women choose the single state as their vocation and call from God …and not to do with being rejected by the opposite sex nor being unappealling physically to them. It is a choice of vocation with an interior call to that vocation.

Quoting Contarini:

What did he mean by that? Did he mean that all those who are called to celibacy are called to some kind of organized religious life? What about the many hermits and consecrated virgins of the early Church? Isn’t there a liturgy in the modern Catholic Church for the consecration of a virgin (distinct from joining some particular religious order)?

You are correct. The life of a hermit can be consecrated officially in The Church under the three evangelical counsels. The person to be consecrated writes out a rule of life in consultation with their Bishop, who will be consecrating that person. Also there is the Order of Virgins in which a person consecrates their virginity to God in an official canonical consecration in The Church. I have heard that there is a movement in The Church officially to allow widows too to consecrate their widowhood.

I don’t think anyone is called to what our culture generally calls “the single life”–a life of continually cycling through one romantic relationship after another (even if fornication is not involved, as it usually is).

I doubt this too!

To the OP’s question–I don’t think there’s any certain way of knowing if you are called to be celibate or if you are just afraid of some aspect of marriage. You would need to discern this over time, hopefully with a trusted spiritual advisor. But surely there is a place for chaste singleness apart from religious orders.

Certainly my own single state under private vows has been ratified by a couple of priests as directors (over a 35 year span now for me) and also my current spiritual director. My hope has remained that The Church will eventually admit to canonical profession single people who are not called to be hermits, members of The Order of Virgins, nor are widows and there is a movement at least by one Australian Bishop to effect this within his own diocese.

Blessings - Barb

 

[Mt_28_19_20]

40s? Maybe not, but I am way past my 40s. And there are ten worlds of difference between being a widow/widower and being my age and never-married. Only people my age and up who have never been married will be able to understand that, by the way.

Yes, of course there a differences between being a widow/widower, and being “older” and never-married. Often enough the differences are in the choices they chose to make, and their priorities. Having to work to support oneself is not a barrier to entering into a healthy relationship and getting married if one makes the appropriate choices.

As far as only someone your age and up who have never married will be able to understand: understand what, that some made choices that they may or may not later regret, that resulted in them remaining single? One of my mother’s friends was single until she married, probably in her 60’s. She seemed a very happy person, seemed to have her priorities right, and when the right man came along, they got married. Did she make excuses for herself being single for so long? Not as far as I am aware.

Michael

 

[Mt_28_19_20]

Doesn’t apply to me, then; I’m fairly low on the ladder.

Great! One less struggle or tempation to deal with if one truely desires Christian marriage and places working toward that in its proper priority.

Michael

 

[CarolAnnSFO]

As far as only someone your age and up who have never married will be able to understand: understand what, that some made choices that they may or may not later regret, that resulted in them remaining single?

Obviously you can’t be convinced that some of us are single because we never had any opportunity to marry, and not because of any choices we made, so I am officially giving up. There is no logic here. One more thread on the “unsubscribe” list.

 

[Mt_28_19_20]

Where is the logic in assuming that just because someone has not had the fortune to be married, that that person is a workaholic with disordered priorities? I’ll answer that; there is no logic to it at all.

Actually, I never gave reason to think I made that assumption.Try not to read into something what is not there.

“Working full-time is great, nothing wrong with that. Working full-time with proper priorities is not the same as being a workaholic and having disordered priorities.”

Never said that someone who is not married is necessarily a workaholic. There may be other reasons they are not married. Perhaps they put words into other peoples mouths to much. Or if they are sloths, someone might not see it wise to marry them. Your assumptions of what I was saying are not logical.

Also, not all workaholics are single, some are married, and it causes a strain to some extent on their relationship. Yet, there are workaholics who have compromised relationships or marriage because of disordered priorities. Never said one factor was a trumping factor, seems to be complex and multifactorial.

Michael

 

[Mt_28_19_20]

hmmm…stolen rutter

HI!

(32/female/single…wants kids)

Carrie

Hey,

Catholic/40’s/male/single/not bald… wants kids

Michael

 

[Mt_28_19_20]

Obviously you can’t be convinced that some of us are single because we never had any opportunity to marry, and not because of any choices we made, so I am officially giving up. There is no logic here. One more thread on the “unsubscribe” list.

You aren’t convincing me, and I’m not convincing you. Which is fine, just sharing my opinion and experience/observations. My mon’s friend really did get married later on in her 60’s.

Labeling something illogical becuase of differing opinions, and leaving the conversation… good interpersonal relationship skills? Seems like the approach some of the old school nuns used to rely on.

Michael

 

[Stolen_Rutters]

hmmm…stolen rutter

HI!

(32/female/single…wants kids)

Carrie

Hi Carrie!

You just made my day! Thanks.

Edmond

 

[mike_sieber]

This is something I’ve been thinking, and talking with my pastor about, recently.

I’m divorced, but definitely don’t want to marry again and don’t really want to play the dating game. Whether this is a calling to be single, or merely me being afraid of or un-attractive to the opposite sex, is something that I really can’t figure out. Most likely the latter though.

Anyway, I’ve been thinking about how I can best serve God and the Church in a single state. I’ve been thinking about starting a group at church for singles, not as a dating thing, but as a ministry. Strength in numbers kind of thing. There are many things my community needs and a dedicated group might be just the ticket.

Anyone have anything like this in their parish that’s just for singles? If so, how does it work and what kind of work do they do?

If you want, you can send me a PM to answer.

 

[BarbaraTherese]

This is something I’ve been thinking, and talking with my pastor about, recently.

I’m divorced, but definitely don’t want to marry again and don’t really want to play the dating game. Whether this is a calling to be single, or merely me being afraid of or un-attractive to the opposite sex, is something that I really can’t figure out. Most likely the latter though.

Anyway, I’ve been thinking about how I can best serve God and the Church in a single state. I’ve been thinking about starting a group at church for singles, not as a dating thing, but as a ministry. Strength in numbers kind of thing. There are many things my community needs and a dedicated group might be just the ticket.

Anyone have anything like this in their parish that’s just for singles? If so, how does it work and what kind of work do they do?

If you want, you can send me a PM to answer.

Single people are dedicating themselves to all sorts of ministry in The Church. You could have a talk with your parish priest about the singles idea. You could also have a talk with your diocesan vocations director re ministry available to single people.

Anyway, I’ve been thinking about how I can best serve God and the Church in a single state.

This sounds to me like a potential call or vocation to the single state. Vocations do not always start out as a clear understanding that one is called by God to a certain vocation. All inspiration comes from God as does all good small and great…and your words “how best I can serve God and the Church in the single state” sounds to me like a call or vocation from God. The other point is that some vocations are not always for life…God calls one to something (as you seem to be) for a period of time only. A talk with a priest for spiritual direction may be another good way to travel.

    Do you have grounds for an annulment - if so an annulment gives you that freedom to follow God in any direction at all.  I realize that an annulment is a pretty drastic and saddening sort of move.........but sometimes the Will of God is not easy at all.

Blessings - Barb
iHs

 

[Mt_28_19_20]

This is something I’ve been thinking, and talking with my pastor about, recently.

I’m divorced, but definitely don’t want to marry again and don’t really want to play the dating game. Whether this is a calling to be single, or merely me being afraid of or un-attractive to the opposite sex, is something that I really can’t figure out. Most likely the latter though.

Some would say this situation is what Jesus was referring to in Mt 19:12 :"…and there are also eunuchs who made themselves eunuchs for the sake of the kingdom of heaven. He who is able to accept this, let him accept it."

Not remarrying after divorce seem consistent the Scripture, and perhaps what Scripture teaches. Just one opinion, follow your conscience prayerfully.

Michael

 

[xx_Lesley_xx]

BarbaraTherese:

Certainly my own single state under private vows has been ratified by a couple of priests as directors (over a 35 year span now for me) and also my current spiritual director.

I am doing exactly this tomorrow on the feast of the assumption. I will making a private vow before my spiritual director. He has been guiding me towards this for the last 6 months. Can you tell me please how you actually did it? We’re going to use part of the wording from the canonical consecration to virginity but we’re not sure yet what I’m going to say. There seems to be no set formula. Thanks

 

[ASimpleSinner]

Hi,

I’ve been thinking about my calling since I was just a little girl. I’ve tried a week in a convent, I’ve tried dating. I came to the conclusion a long time ago that I wasn’t called to the monastic life. But I don’t feel called to marriage either. To be honest the mere thought makes me feel ill. Is it that I am scared of marriage or could I be called to a life as single? I’m only 27, so perhaps I just havn’t “met mr right” yet. But I just don’t feel any desire to meet anyone. And no…I’m not a lesbian…I’ve never had a lesbian thought in my life (people sometimes assume that you’re gay just because you don’t have a boyfriend)

Anyone else in a similar situation?

Atsa me! Called to be single that is.

Right now I am trying to discern my role of service to the Church. Ordination is out, but some form of consecrated life may be a possibility.

 

[mike_sieber]

I had no idea that there could be some kind of consecrated state that’s recognized by the church for singles like me. Can someone point me to more information (links) about this please?

 

[ASimpleSinner]

I had no idea that there could be some kind of consecrated state that’s recognized by the church for singles like me. Can someone point me to more information (links) about this please?

Miles Jesu comes to mind as a group of individuals who are consecrated laity that live in community. I spent a weekend at their house in Chicago 10 years ago. I was amazed by them then. I am blown away now.

milesjesu.com/

Some folks are very into Regnum Christi and Opus Dei. I have no experience with them, but it might be a place to look.

 

[xx_Lesley_xx]

I can thoroughly recommend two books for people discerning their vocation to the single life:

And you are Christ’s by Fr. Thomas Dubay, and

Theology of the Body for beginners by Christopher West.

The Fr. Dubay book also explains what options are available for single people. These two books really helped me.

 

[LilyM]

Actually, I never gave reason to think I made that assumption.Try not to read into something what is not there.

“Working full-time is great, nothing wrong with that. Working full-time with proper priorities is not the same as being a workaholic and having disordered priorities.”

Never said that someone who is not married is necessarily a workaholic. There may be other reasons they are not married. Perhaps they put words into other peoples mouths to much. Or if they are sloths, someone might not see it wise to marry them. Your assumptions of what I was saying are not logical.

Also, not all workaholics are single, some are married, and it causes a strain to some extent on their relationship. Yet, there are workaholics who have compromised relationships or marriage because of disordered priorities. Never said one factor was a trumping factor, seems to be complex and multifactorial.

Michael

Michael, your basic assumption here appears to be that if someone never marries it is necessarily because there is something wrong with them or some fault with them. On behalf of singles everywhere I find the attitude completely offensive.

Ever thought there might be more simple explanations? Ones that DON’T involve single people being so freakishly awful or horribly selfish that no-one’d want them, as you seem to think we all are? Reasons such as simply not meeting or not knowing anyone who is both compatible in personality and single?

 

[BarbaraTherese]

Michael, your basic assumption here appears to be that if someone never marries it is necessarily because there is something wrong with them or some fault with them. On behalf of singles everywhere I find the attitude completely offensive.

Ever thought there might be more simple explanations? Ones that DON’T involve single people being so freakishly awful or horribly selfish that no-one’d want them, as you seem to think we all are? Reasons such as simply not meeting or not knowing anyone who is both compatible in personality and single?

I can second that motion. Having made private vows some 30 years ago and keeping them private and much younger then, it is certainly not for the want of “offers” that I chose my vows…in fact in one instance it was a most difficult choice. I chose my vows as after much thought and prayer, I knew that I was making the choice that God wanted me to make - and that if I had chosen otherwise, eventually I would be miserable. Some 15 years or so down the track from that most difficult choice, I know for sure I made the right choice. I have no problems relating to males and have a few males as friends…but nothing romantic.
I know than men in particular it does seem, do have problems and strange notions and at times “name calling” re women who are single and choose this state in life and the most frequent it seems to me strange concept of males is that women who choose to be single have questionable sexuality leanings and it seems to me that single women choosing that state may perhaps make men uneasy re their own sexual ‘ability’ and an ego thing methinks born of insecurity. …and a strange notion that a woman needs to be “available” at least in implication. The Church recognizes the single lay state as valid and true potential vocation and call from God - under private vows or not.

Blessings - Barb
http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/16/16_14_3.gif iHs

 

[Madaglan]

Originally Posted by LilyM:

Michael, your basic assumption here appears to be that if someone never marries it is necessarily because there is something wrong with them or some fault with them. On behalf of singles everywhere I find the attitude completely offensive.

Quite offensive attitude. But does it not very much seem to ring true?

 

[LilyM]

Quite offensive attitude. But does it not very much seem to ring true?

Not in my experience. I know too many deeply dysfunctional married people and too many perfectly normal singles for me to think so.