Anyone called to be single?

[Madaglan]

Originally Posted by LilyM:

Not in my experience. I know too many deeply dysfunctional married people and too many perfectly normal singles for me to think so.

From my experience, I’ve come down to two conclusions: either there’s something wrong with me, or there is something wrong with most everybody else, at least my age.

 

[Kathrin]

Could it be that those who don’t WANT to remain single, those who think there must be something wrong with you (or the others) if you are single, weren’t meant for the single life?
Meaning: Maybe it’s a sign you are meant to be single if you’re ok with it and feels it’s a healthy way to be for you.

Kathrin

 

[Grace283]

Hi,

I’ve been thinking about my calling since I was just a little girl. I’ve tried a week in a convent, I’ve tried dating. I came to the conclusion a long time ago that I wasn’t called to the monastic life. But I don’t feel called to marriage either. To be honest the mere thought makes me feel ill. Is it that I am scared of marriage or could I be called to a life as single? I’m only 27, so perhaps I just havn’t “met mr right” yet. But I just don’t feel any desire to meet anyone. And no…I’m not a lesbian…I’ve never had a lesbian thought in my life (people sometimes assume that you’re gay just because you don’t have a boyfriend)

Anyone else in a similar situation?

I know several of people who have thought and have gone through the same thing.

Have you ever thought of living a life of consecrated life? Those who live in chaste communities, either co-ed or not, who love to serve God in their dalily life, but also are able to “live in the world” so to speak…there are quite a few out there…

I will pray for you!

 

[Melanie01]

Having always been single…now pushing on in years, I have thought (what is wrong with me) to the other end I am too set in my ways to change, but I think maturity has finally won out…

if it be the will of God so be it …I have plenty of friends and social opportunities, a happy and pretty healthy life, and if God wishes me to have a close relationship with someone so be it…

 

[BarbaraTherese]

As a general comment directed at no one at all in particular - just from reading posts, I think there is a vast difference from being single/happening to be single…from a clear choice of the single state as a vocation and call from God and committing to it in some way. For some, I think this may be temporary for others permanent. Today, I hear, it is felt that a person can be drawn to religious life and actually enter - but God does not intend them to be there for life and the do eventually leave.
In ‘my day’ pre Vatican2, it was felt if one was accepted into religious life it was actual indication it was God’s Will for that person and for life…hence to enter a community and leave was often marked as something of a disgrace.

Blessings all - Barb
smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/16/16_14_5.gif iHs

%between%

 

[Mt_28_19_20]

As a general comment directed at no one at all in particular - just from reading posts, I think there is a vast difference from being single/happening to be single…from a clear choice of the single state as a vocation and call from God and committing to it in some way. For some, I think this may be temporary for others permanent. Today, I hear, it is felt that a person can be drawn to religious life and actually enter - but God does not intend them to be there for life and the do eventually leave.
In ‘my day’ pre Vatican2, it was felt if one was accepted into religious life it was actual indication it was God’s Will for that person and for life…hence to enter a community and leave was often marked as something of a disgrace.

Blessings all - Barb
smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/16/16_14_5.gif iHs

%between%

Of course, a vow is a vow, and breaking it, well Jesus teaches about that clearly in Mt 5.

Interestingly, it seems some young widows enter into religious vows, which appears to contradict what Paul teaches about young widows less than the age of 60.

Michael

 

[Mt_28_19_20]

Having always been single…now pushing on in years, I have thought (what is wrong with me) to the other end I am too set in my ways to change, but I think maturity has finally won out…

if it be the will of God so be it …I have plenty of friends and social opportunities, a happy and pretty healthy life, and if God wishes me to have a close relationship with someone so be it…

Seems like a good, holy point of view. Glad maturity won out.

Micahel

 

[Mt_28_19_20]

Michael, your basic assumption here appears to be that if someone never marries it is necessarily because there is something wrong with them or some fault with them. On behalf of singles everywhere I find the attitude completely offensive.

Ever thought there might be more simple explanations? Ones that DON’T involve single people being so freakishly awful or horribly selfish that no-one’d want them, as you seem to think we all are? Reasons such as simply not meeting or not knowing anyone who is both compatible in personality and single?

LilyM,

  I never made that assumption. Read read what I wrote, without reading into my words what is not there. I have not yet married, and that does not mean there is something wrong with me. It does meant that thus far my circumstances, and MY DECISIONS, are responsible for my being single. However, I am not going to be passive and complain that I can't meet people or find someone compatible in personality who is single. Our faith is one of hope and love, not of "blaming" others for our decisions or choices. If someone never marries, I never said it is because they are, in your words "so freakishly awful or horribly selfish that no-one'd want them". If someone never marries, it is most likely because of their priorities and the choices they made. Which is fine. If I end up being 80 years old and never married, that would be because of my priorities and decisions. No one else is responsible for those choices. For those who are workaholics and don't give marriage its proper priority, that is their choice and decision. That does not assume they are anymore selfish or whatever, than those who are married.

Becareful about putting words in my mouth, if done carelessly, that is false witness.

Michael

 

[Mt_28_19_20]

Quite offensive attitude. But does it not very much seem to ring true?

I’d ask you to read what I actually said, before jumping on the band wagon, and making sure you are not seconding false witness.

Michael

 

[Mt_28_19_20]

I can second that motion. Having made private vows some 30 years ago and keeping them private and much younger then, it is certainly not for the want of “offers” that I chose my vows…in fact in one instance it was a most difficult choice. I chose my vows as after much thought and prayer, I knew that I was making the choice that God wanted me to make - and that if I had chosen otherwise, eventually I would be miserable. Some 15 years or so down the track from that most difficult choice, I know for sure I made the right choice. I have no problems relating to males and have a few males as friends…but nothing romantic.
I know than men in particular it does seem, do have problems and strange notions and at times “name calling” re women who are single and choose this state in life and the most frequent it seems to me strange concept of males is that women who choose to be single have questionable sexuality leanings and it seems to me that single women choosing that state may perhaps make men uneasy re their own sexual ‘ability’ and an ego thing methinks born of insecurity. …and a strange notion that a woman needs to be “available” at least in implication. The Church recognizes the single lay state as valid and true potential vocation and call from God - under private vows or not.

Blessings - Barb
http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/16/16_14_3.gif iHs

BarbaraTherese,

 So, you second that motion in regard to what I wrote? I suggest you carefully read what I wrote to see what I actually said, and what I did not say, and was apparently read into my words by others.
 I did no name calling. Period. I did say some people put less priority on marrage and relationships, and make choices which result in them remaining single. For that matter, married people can make choices and have priorities that injure or "destroy" a marriage." This is true regardless of their gender, so do not even attempt to suggest that I was speaking of one gender disrespectfully.

Your statement : “I know than men in particular it does seem, do have problems and strange notions and at times “name calling” re women who are single and choose this state in life and the most frequent it seems to me strange concept of males is that women who choose to be single have questionable sexuality leanings”
Now there’s an offensive generalization.

Apparently there are some here very sensitive to being single, and how others view them, to the point of appearing defensive or even a bit “paranoid”. Not exactly Catholic virtues. Does not our faith call us to accept the gifts God blessed each of us with, to respond to and utillize those gifts, and not blame others when we undervalue God’s gifts, and not worry about what others think about the gifts God gave each of us?

Michael

 

[LilyM]

LilyM,

  I never made that assumption. Read read what I wrote, without reading into my words what is not there. I have not yet married, and that does not mean there is something wrong with me. It does meant that thus far my circumstances, and MY DECISIONS, are responsible for my being single. However, I am not going to be passive and complain that I can't meet people or find someone compatible in personality who is single. Our faith is one of hope and love, not of "blaming" others for our decisions or choices. If someone never marries, I never said it is because they are, in your words "so freakishly awful or horribly selfish that no-one'd want them". If someone never marries, it is most likely because of their priorities and the choices they made. Which is fine. If I end up being 80 years old and never married, that would be because of my priorities and decisions. No one else is responsible for those choices. For those who are workaholics and don't give marriage its proper priority, that is their choice and decision. That does not assume they are anymore selfish or whatever, than those who are married.

Becareful about putting words in my mouth, if done carelessly, that is false witness.

Michael

And you’ve been putting false words into mine and too much onus upon yourself and other single people in the matter as well.

I’m very happy being single, and I realise the part my own priorities and decisions have played in my singledom, but they aren’t the only factor. A marriage takes two partners remember - you and I can only ever be 50% of the equation at most.

The fact is you DID ONLY, prior to that comment at least, mention deficiencies such as personality problems as explanations why people neither married nor became professed religious. You were doing a good imitation of someone who was blaming long-term singles for their state and implying that they were at fault in some way.

And you did mention these negative factors as if they were either the only or the major explanation why people remain single rather than taking vows of various sorts or being married, when they aren’t.

 

[BarbaraTherese]

Hi Michael………Did not mean to be offensive nor misinterpret your comments………Apologies!

When I stated “I can second that motion”, I meant that in my experience men can make wrong assumptions/conclusions, and was commenting on LilyM’s statement:
**

Michael, your basic assumption here appears to be that if someone never marries it is necessarily because there is something wrong with them or some fault with them.

**
………I had not meant to call any of your comments personally into question. Only that fact that in my experience wrong assumptions can be made, which is Lily’s understanding. But you are quite correct in assuming that I was referring to your opinions personally.

Quoting Barb**: Your statement : "I know than men in particular it does seem, do have problems and strange notions and at times “name calling” re women who are single and choose this state in life and the most frequent it seems to me strange concept of males is that women who choose to be single have questionable sexuality leanings "**
Quoting Michael: Now there’s an offensive generalization.

Apologies again, Michael. I had hoped in typing my response that the words “at times” would prevent me from making a “sweeping generalization” and being offensive. Certainly I have had quite a few incidences of giving me a ‘name’ because I do not date and avoid/walk away from conversations concerning sex. I am a student and my attitudes are known on campus. I am not at all “prudish” but in my experience campus conversations can go too far - so before they reach that stage, I simply walk away. As I said, I did not mean to make a sweeping generalization that was a comment on all men without exemption.

I can see however where I went wrong and that my post was misleading and apologize. While I do “stick” to my opionion re some cases of male opinion, which is simply drawn from my own experiences. Hence, my comments are based on what would be limited experience.

I need to apologize, because I can see where things came amiss.

Blessings and regards…Barb
http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/16/16_14_5.gif iHs

 

[MikEY_IKE]

Have you tried breast implants?

 

[Mt_28_19_20]

And you’ve been putting false words into mine and too much onus upon yourself and other single people in the matter as well.

The fact is you DID ONLY, prior to that comment at least, mention deficiencies such as personality problems as explanations why people neither married nor became professed religious. You were doing a good imitation of someone who was blaming long-term singles for their state and implying that they were at fault in some way.

And you did mention these negative factors as if they were either the only or the major explanation why people remain single rather than taking vows of various sorts or being married, when they aren’t.

First, I had not replied to, or commented on any of your previous posts in this thread, so not, it is a false assertion to say I put words in your mouth… Second, as far as being accused of only mentioning negative factors, and “blaming”, look at what I said:

Post 175:
On the last comment/question. Just because someone is getting the “run-around” for many years does not mean they have to put work above it’s proper place. They do not have to make work/career over prioritized just to make a living. Some may rationalize over prioritzing work/career with thinking they cann’t make a decent living without being a “workaholic”, yet it might just contribute to what they perceive as a “run-around”. Of some of my guy friends, one married a teacher and the other married lawyer. Both wives stopped working completely when they had their first children, to dedicate themselves to their family/children. Some would say they gave up alot, they would say what they gave up paled in comparison to what they gave themselves to. Neither husband was making a salary that made it easy for them to do so, however they worked with what was important to them, and accepted their limitations based on their priorities. Whatever the appropriate term would be, “femi…” or something else, there **are those, in both genders, both single and married, who put work **and financial independence above it’s proper place to the extent of compromising the proper priority for family and relationships. Call it what you will, it is there. And the result can be that child-bearing age has passed before the person realizes their misplaced priorites. That is truely sad, and they cannot go back in time. How painful it must be to face that.

"Post 178:
“There may not be any misplaced priorities.”

Maybe, maybe not. Too often it seems like convenient excuses to keep our priorities the way they are. **Whether male or female, we all see plenty of couples get married who are:

BOTH good looking, and at the risk of sounding uncharitable, ugly
BOTH thin, average, and much above average
BOTH young and old. Think about it, how many widows and widowers remarry at an old age? So someone who was never married and is in their 30’s or 40’s is going to use “old-age” as their excuse?**

Most single people have to come up with 100% of their living expenses, and most don’t live with their parents. I would be cautious of being interested in someone who still lives with their parents if they are a mature adult, especially after “traditional” college age. Working full-time is great, nothing wrong with that. Working full-time with proper priorities is not the same as being a workaholic and having disordered priorities.
Jesus taught that those with the most will find it hardest to give up, and that seems to be true with careers. Those with the highest “success” in careers often have the hardest time lowering that in priority for their family and children."

You say “I’m very happy being single,”
and follow it with: “and I realise the part my own priorities and decisions have played in my singledom, but they aren’t the only factor. A marriage takes two partners remember - you and I can only ever be 50% of the equation at most.”

Michael

 

[Mt_28_19_20]

Hi Michael………Did not mean to be offensive nor misinterpret your comments………Apologies!

When I stated “I can second that motion”, I meant that in my experience men can make wrong assumptions/conclusions, and was commenting on LilyM’s statement:

---

………I had not meant to call any of your comments personally into question. Only that fact that in my experience wrong assumptions can be made, which is Lily’s understanding. But you are quite correct in assuming that I was referring to your opinions personally.

Apologies again, Michael. I had hoped in typing my response that the words “at times” would prevent me from making a “sweeping generalization” and being offensive. Certainly I have had quite a few incidences of giving me a ‘name’ because I do not date and avoid/walk away from conversations concerning sex. I am a student and my attitudes are known on campus. I am not at all “prudish” but in my experience campus conversations can go too far - so before they reach that stage, I simply walk away. As I said, I did not mean to make a sweeping generalization that was a comment on all men without exemption.

I can see however where I went wrong and that my post was misleading and apologize. While I do “stick” to my opionion re some cases of male opinion, which is simply drawn from my own experiences. Hence, my comments are based on what would be limited experience.

I need to apologize, because I can see where things came amiss.

Blessings and regards…Barb
http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/16/16_14_5.gif iHs

BarbaraTherese,

At the risk of sounding ungrateful for your apology, you replied "………I had not meant to call any of your comments personally into question. Only that fact that in my experience wrong assumptions can be made, which is Lily's understanding. But you are quite correct in assuming that I was referring to your opinions personally."   Appears contradictory. That said, I thank you for your apology.

And yes, if instead of saying: "I know than men in particular it does seem, do have problems and strange notions and at times “name calling” re women who are single and choose this state in life and the most frequent it seems to me strange concept of males is that women who choose to be single have questionable sexuality leanings ", you had actually said:
""I know that some men in particular it does seem, do have problems and strange notions and at times “name calling” re women who are single and choose this state in life and the most frequent it seems to me strange concept of males is that women who choose to be single have questionable sexuality leanings "
that would be much less of a generalization. Am I the only one here mentioning that both genders can have problems?

Michael

 

[BarbaraTherese]

Quoting: Mt 28 19_20

At the risk of sounding ungrateful for your apology, you replied “………I had not meant to call any of your comments personally into question. Only that fact that in my experience wrong assumptions can be made, which is Lily’s understanding. But you are quite correct in assuming that I was referring to your opinions personally.” Appears contradictory. That said, I thank you for your apology.

Hi Michael…Oh gosh, I have made a mess of things !
What I meant was that in my initial statements it did read as if I was calling your comments into question, which I had not meant to do. But the way it read (and error on my part), you were completely correct to assume that I was referring to your opinions personally.

And yes, if instead of saying: "I know than men in particular it does seem, do have problems and strange notions and at times “name calling” re women who are single and choose this state in life and the most frequent it seems to me strange concept of males is that women who choose to be single have questionable sexuality leanings ", you had actually said:
""I know that some men in particular it does seem, do have problems and strange notions and at times “name calling” re women who are single and choose this state in life and the most frequent it seems to me strange concept of males is that women who choose to be single have questionable sexuality leanings "
that would be much less of a generalization. Am I the only one here mentioning that both genders can have problems?

Again, I can see as you have pointed out where my statement read completely the opposite to that I had intended. And that as my statement read, it was indeed a sweeping generalization.
At times (and I draw on my own experience which is limited for sure) some men can have strange notions about single women…but then I agree with you that some women too can have strange notions re the male of the species.

Thanks for picking up where I went direly amiss, Michael. And again apologies…

Blessings and regards…Barb
http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/16/16_14_5.gif iHs

 

[Norseman82]

If anyone wants “exhibit A” of what people mean by “selfish singles”, it is the following quote about “being available” being a strange notion:

…and a strange notion that a woman needs to be “available” at least in implication.

St. Paul says somewhere that we are to help carry each other’s burdens. At the end of the day that may mean - GASP! - making one’s self availiable as a spouse to someone who needs one. Remember, Adam - in his pre-fallen state - wasn’t expected to go it alone. But today, the Gloria Steinems of the world and their “you don’t need a man” mentality have wreaked havoc on the natural order of things.

 

[Norseman82]

This is something I’ve been thinking, and talking with my pastor about, recently.

I’m divorced, but definitely don’t want to marry again and don’t really want to play the dating game. Whether this is a calling to be single, or merely me being afraid of or un-attractive to the opposite sex, is something that I really can’t figure out. Most likely the latter though.

Actually, Mike, depending on the circumstances of your marriage and divorce (and whether there is an annulment or not), there is a possibility that you are not even eligible to remarry. The only time the New Testament forbids one to marry is if one of the partners is divorced and therefore, still technically married to their former spouse.

 

[chewchoo]

But today, the Gloria Steinems of the world and their “you don’t need a man” mentality have wreaked havoc on the natural order of things.

are you really grouping all single women into this category???
boy, you have issues

 

[Norseman82]

are you really grouping all single women into this category???
boy, you have issues

Well, let’s face it, people have been affected by it, either directly or indirectly by the messages they receive from the secular culture which doesn’t value marriage like it used to. And look at the results.