Anyone here with experience with online/long-distance relationships?

[pensmama87]

How is that different from telling a guy form college or work you address?
At some point, they have to trust your judgments.
Especially if you’re being smart about it.
Would they rather you met him in a dark restaurant across town?
Home seems reasonable. If he doesn’t WANT to come, that says more about him.

But what if DL has a torture chamber in (what she claims is) her parents’ house?

I definitely think eventually, but I could see both sides wanting the security of public meeting without divulging addresses first for safety reasons.

 

[pianistclare]

But what if DL has a torture chamber in (what she claims is) her parents’ house?

I definitely think eventually, but I could see both sides wanting the security of public meeting without divulging addresses first for safety reasons.

Depends on her age as well.
I was old…not scared.

 

[DarkLight]

Depends on her age as well.
I was old…not scared.

I’m 28, he’s 26. It’s my mother that’s scared - I don’t think she’s going to be ready to meet this guy on our first outing. I figure we can go to Mass together though, he can meet my priest.

 

[chevalier]

Re: meeting the parents. Probably the sooner the better, but there is indeed such a thing as too soon. It creates a lot of pressure. And that’s exactly what it’s supposed to do, of course, but then there are downsides.

Without beating around the bush, making the mature decision to split up earlier than later because of conflicting personalities or visions is more difficult when there are all those faces looking at you in expectation, all those people who already feel like family of sorts. Letting down his younger brother or making her mother sob in the corner, erm, not the best image to have in mind when it comes to difficult but necessary decisions. (Though again not something a mature adult can’t handle, just a massively sad thing.)

What else? It may sound funny and some men will find it funny too, but exaggerating the pressure in a joking way could backfire, just like those silly dad jokes involving shotguns, shovels and alibis. The best way out of that territory is to never walk into it.

Oh, and re: safety, though I would, of course be definitely against forming or processing any mental imagges involving that young man and criminal intent or desire to harm you, if you start travelling a lot it probably wouldn’t do harm to have some sort of code word or phrase that’s short and non-obvious enough to alert a friend or some other trusted person to trouble without attracting too much attention. If you end up having a phone call in front of someone you’re afraid identifying as a threat, you can also improvise and start asking the person you’re calling to say hi to relatives or friends you don’t have, just something that’s bound to look out of order and suggest you can’t talk freely. Not that there’s a big chance of you ever having to use this but anyway, useful to know. Just don’t start thinking of yourself as a victim already. Or the worst is going to happen and you’ll take a master’s in gender studies/diversity (to become a professional victim) or something.

 

[AdamP88]

I’m not going to be stupid, of course.

But my mother’s initial response was to shudder and say “ew creepy” when I told her (he’s planning on coming up to my area). Followed by a pointed “well he says he’s Catholic.” So I can safely say they’re not exactly keen on the idea - it’s nothing about him specifically, she just doesn’t like the idea of me talking to people online in the first place.

Perhaps the older generation still aren’t comfortable with the whole idea of meeting people from the internet. In fairness it’s no different to anything else. You just have to be smart about it. If you buy or sell stuff on internet forums you may end up meeting strange people from the internet several times a year.

 

[DarkLight]

Perhaps the older generation still aren’t comfortable with the whole idea of meeting people from the internet. In fairness it’s no different to anything else. You just have to be smart about it. If you buy or sell stuff on internet forums you may end up meeting strange people from the internet several times a year.

My thought is that lying isn’t exactly something exclusive to the internet. I’ve known women who have fallen for the old “I’m in the process of divorcing my wife, I swear!” Really, the precautions for meeting a man you met on the internet aren’t all that different from meeting a man for a date that you met at a bar or other social activity.

Realistically, we’ve spoken over webcam, so the likelihood of a vast mistake about age is pretty low (I’m sure it’s possible to fake a webcam chat, but it’s significantly harder than simply lying over text). And in a Catholic framework the usual motivation of someone lying for sex is going to be gone - it would be much easier to pursue a secular woman for that, if one were inclined to lie.

I think my mother’s read too many internet horror stories about 16 year old girls sneaking out in the dead of night to meet their boyfriends who turn out to be 50 year old men.

 

[chevalier]

My thought is that lying isn’t exactly something exclusive to the internet. I’ve known women who have fallen for the old “I’m in the process of divorcing my wife, I swear!” Really, the precautions for meeting a man you met on the internet aren’t all that different from meeting a man for a date that you met at a bar or other social activity.

Hah. A story from a dating portal. Actually from a female friend I met that way (we started swapping war stories and quickly discovered friendship was more our calling), whose guy friend went on a date with a… uniquely charming lady. She had ton of social graces, she was tremendously fun to be around, but… there was no way she could possibly be her stated age — as in closer to 50 than 30. Once upon a time stupid me also got twitterpatted with a girl whose or rather ‘whose’ photographs (before meeting up in real life, which ultimately didn’t happen) were of four different people, as professional analysis showed. The girl had clearly had a more complex emotional life than the average person, but there had been no way of telling, other than catching her lying once before about something that might well have been accidental; the problem with the photos, I turned, was something I realized when I actually saw one of those somewhere on the Internet, with a name that didn’t agree, and things got more analytical from that point onward.

See, even with perfectly normal people, and I don’t mean in a clinical sense but without very clear special issues in normal daily life, there’s the risk of just not feeling bound by the same norms as in real life, because, according to many people’s view of it, what’s happening on the Internet is not happening for real.

This is obviously on top of any cultural issues such as may exist, and those are easier to come by when your initial pool isn’t curated (the online world is more egalitarian and accessible than real life). And cultural differences exist not just between nations, races etc., but also social classes, neighbouring but somewhat isolated towns, descendants of the various sorts of migrants hundreds of years ago, old money vs new money vs no money, etc. etc. The world of ‘Internet dating’ is best avoided. But luckily one can avoid it by meeting in real life and just using the Internet like phone or post. Almost everybody does this by now anyway.

 

[DarkLight]

Well, apparently my mother is definitely in the category of “there is no such thing as a real long-distance relationship.” And she thinks meeting up is irresponsible since we’re both young and not very well off.

This is going to be a challenge.

 

[Kateri92]

I’m wondering if anyone here has experience with a long-distance relationship. If so, how did it work out? What sort of things did you do to get to know each other?

Even if you haven’t been in one, I take general advice too.

My husband and I met online and were long distance. It was really hard being far away from each other. And it was also very weird meeting in person the first time. It felt like I was meeting a brand new person. So as far as that goes, if possible decide to be official after the first meeting. Also, distance allows more temptation when finally reunited. In the long run we were married much faster than most people get married and while most often that is an irresponsible thing, for us it worked out cause we talked A LOT. I think we would have taken it slower if we were in the same city. I think we made some big mistakes along the way (not gonna lie) but I rest in the Mercy of God and move forward. I love my husband with all of me. But I used online dating for a year before I found someone. And a pro tip: try to get to know who they are with a fun personality test first. The myers briggs version is good because it can also reveal the negatives of a person which will help understand the side the person is not advertising and it will help keep you safe in the long run. And the best thing to do is pray the rosary together. it tells you a lot about a person if they can take the lead in prayer. God bless!

 

[nadinef]

My fiance and I are in a long distance relationship, he lives in Texas and I live in Ireland, I will be moving to Texas once we get married next June.

We started as friends and then I got the chance to go to Texas with a friend of mine last Thanksgiving and that was that. All I can say is communicate, communicate, communicate, we text everyday even if its just good morning how are you and good night sleep tight, we try to video chat at least once a week, usually on a Sunday after he has been to mass and Im getting organised for the week, Im just home after spending 8 weeks in Texas, thankfully I get on great with his two sons, one of whom will live with us and all his family, his younger brother already calls me sister

It sucks at times its true I wont see him face to face again till the week before our wedding

 

[AdamP88]

Well, apparently my mother is definitely in the category of “there is no such thing as a real long-distance relationship.” And she thinks meeting up is irresponsible since we’re both young and not very well off.

This is going to be a challenge.

Well, she’s definitely wrong on that. When I was meeting my now-wife for the first time I was in the process of applying for university for a second time. I had little money, she had little or no money too. but somewhere in the three years since then we saved enough to get engaged, married, and start a life together.

I tend to think there are real benefits to being long distance before taking it further. Yes, it can be frustrating, but my wife and I really got to know each other better during our long-distance time. We made a point of writing letters to each other as well as having phone and text conversations.

If everyone followed the logic of not getting married until all financial matters were in order and you had complete financial security then there wouldn’t be many married couples.

 

[Xantippe]

Well, she’s definitely wrong on that. When I was meeting my now-wife for the first time I was in the process of applying for university for a second time. I had little money, she had little or no money too. but somewhere in the three years since then we saved enough to get engaged, married, and start a life together.

I tend to think there are real benefits to being long distance before taking it further. Yes, it can be frustrating, but my wife and I really got to know each other better during our long-distance time. We made a point of writing letters to each other as well as having phone and text conversations.

If everyone followed the logic of not getting married until all financial matters were in order and you had complete financial security then there wouldn’t be many married couples.

And even more so if they don’t even meet until all ducks are in a row…

 

[DarkLight]

Well, she’s definitely wrong on that. When I was meeting my now-wife for the first time I was in the process of applying for university for a second time. I had little money, she had little or no money too. but somewhere in the three years since then we saved enough to get engaged, married, and start a life together.

I tend to think there are real benefits to being long distance before taking it further. Yes, it can be frustrating, but my wife and I really got to know each other better during our long-distance time. We made a point of writing letters to each other as well as having phone and text conversations.

If everyone followed the logic of not getting married until all financial matters were in order and you had complete financial security then there wouldn’t be many married couples.

I think a lot of it is coming from the point of view that long-distance relationships are “basically strangers”, which my mother has definitely expressed. So from her point of view it’s spending a lot of money to meet someone who you don’t know at all - barely above taking a trip to Vegas because you might meet someone interesting. She’s expressed a lot of skepticism about him, saying things like “Well he says that he’s Catholic” and other things that say she doesn’t really think he is who he says he is.

I don’t take that kind of thing that seriously. Sure some people aren’t who they say they are, but that’s a risk no matter what - not just online. I’ve certainly had friends fall for the “I swear we’re divorcing” line with people they knew in real life. (Incidentally this made me realize that Catholic morality is a protective measure too - there’s much less incentive for misrepresentation when no one’s going to be getting sex without a commitment.)

 

[AdamP88]

I think a lot of it is coming from the point of view that** long-distance relationships are “basically strangers”,** which my mother has definitely expressed. So from her point of view it’s spending a lot of money to meet someone who you don’t know at all - barely above taking a trip to Vegas because you might meet someone interesting. She’s expressed a lot of skepticism about him, saying things like “Well he says that he’s Catholic” and other things that say she doesn’t really think he is who he says he is.

I don’t take that kind of thing that seriously. Sure some people aren’t who they say they are, but that’s a risk no matter what - not just online. I’ve certainly had friends fall for the “I swear we’re divorcing” line with people they knew in real life. (Incidentally this made me realize that Catholic morality is a protective measure too - there’s much less incentive for misrepresentation when no one’s going to be getting sex without a commitment.)

Everyone’s basically a stranger until you get to know them.

I agree that there are certain body-language things that one might not observe when talking over the internet with someone. But really if you talk to someone enough you’ll get to know them and get a sense of the type of person they are. I imagine that the resistance to/wariness of long-distance relationships comes from a sort of irrational fear of the internet mixed with the idea that people have ended up meeting creeps and having bad experiences. But perhaps that attitude may change once she meets the person. Once she sees he’s not a trenchcoat-wearing internet pervert I’m sure she’ll come around.

 

[DarkLight]

I suspect there’s a little bit of moms always feel like moms in there. After all, we tell our teenagers don’t talk to strangers, don’t give out your personal info, that sort of thing. And of course with the internet too there’s all sorts of horror stories of teenage girls who went to meet some strange guy in the dead of night and ended up with something terrible happening or almost happening to them. I think all parents have that little bit in them where it’s hard to realize your “little girl” isn’t quite so little anymore.

 

[Xantippe]

I suspect there’s a little bit of moms always feel like moms in there. After all, we tell our teenagers don’t talk to strangers, don’t give out your personal info, that sort of thing. And of course with the internet too there’s all sorts of horror stories of teenage girls who went to meet some strange guy in the dead of night and ended up with something terrible happening or almost happening to them. I think all parents have that little bit in them where it’s hard to realize your “little girl” isn’t quite so little anymore.

Right.

I think really the only convincing argument is a substantial track record of success. “Look, Ma, we’ve been married 10 years and have 5 kids and he hasn’t thrown my dismembered corpse into a dumpster…yet.”

And not even that always works.

 

[AdamP88]

Right.

I think really the only convincing argument is a substantial track record of success. “Look, Ma, we’ve been married 10 years and have 5 kids and he hasn’t thrown my dismembered corpse into a dumpster…yet.”

And not even that always works.

This is true. After you’ve been going out for a while and are still not dead, or haven’t discovered that he’s really married or something like that…then she ought to begin to see that maybe he’s a nice guy. Once she meets him though, that might well assuage her fears.

 

[DarkLight]

Another little thing I’ve noticed:

There are people who are, in general, in want of a boyfriend/girlfriend. Then there are people like me who are generally happy single, but find themselves wanting a relationship with a particular person. For people like me, the advice to “find someone closer” really means nothing - because what we want is the specific person we’ve gotten to know, rather than simply to find someone to be in a relationship with.

That’s not to say there’s something wrong with people in the first category! Just that there are some differences.