Anyone really did it the pure way?

  • Thread starter Thread starter DL82
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
D

DL82

Guest
Is there anyone out there who can tell me, truthfully, that their sexuality developed in the way the Church teaches it ought to, without any grave sin. That when they married, they did it:

As a virgin
Without masturbating or looking at pornography or dwelling on sexual fantasies ever
Without overstepping the bounds of chastity during courtship or in teenage years

I’m not trying to say that it’s not possible. If this describes you, I think that’s wonderful, and I’m so happy for you. I truly want to know how you did it? And how’s your married life now? Any tips for how to discern chastely?

I just feel like damaged goods, but so many devout young Catholics I know say the same about their pasts, except that they seem to be ‘over’ that past, somehow, whereas I’m still scarred by it in so many ways. Maybe I just need a stricter ascesis, but I can’t think how, short of living as a hermit in the woods.

Even the Catechism acknowledges:
2343 Chastity has laws of growth which progress thropugh stages marked by imperfection and too often by sin…
It makes me wonder whether it’s even really possible to preserve perfect chastity all through one’s life, whether there are many baptised believers who make it to adulthood without falling into Mortal sin in some way with regard to chastity. Why is it so hard?

If there’s anyone out there who knows, who knows how to help, who has guided themselves or their children in a true life of chastity, please help.
 
This is probably one of the things people struggle with the most today. I can say that I failed in my younger (unmarried) years, and I regret that today. Here are a few thoughts/suggestions:

Prayer: A similar post on purity made this recommendation. When tempted, go to prayer. If you are tempted by pornography, pray that God will touch the hearts of those on screen. Ask for the Blessed Virgin to help you.

Confession: Many people don’t take advantage of this gift of grace. Go to confession regularly and be honest and complete. In reconciliation, we receive special graces from God to help us combat sin. You don’t need mortal sin to go to confession.

Read the Saints: One of the most helpful things for me has been reading the diaries of saints. The mystics who have very close relationships with God write so powerfully about their love for God and their anguish over their own sins, and also how God sees us when we sin and how merciful He is. I’ve especially liked Divine Mercy (St. Faustina), Little Talks with God (St. Catherine of Siena). There are many more, and there’s one just waiting for you - to help you. When I see sin from God’s eyes, it’s powerful. That’s what I’ve learned in reading the mystics.

Think about the other person: If your sin involves another (which it probably does when purity is the issue), consider how your actions are impacting the soul of the other person. You are responsible for tempting another to sin. You then carry both your sin and theirs. You may be willing to sacrifice your sanctity, but are you willing to do that to another person, especially one that you love? If you are, how much do you really love them?

Adoration: Spend time in adoration at church. If you church doesn’t have it, find one that does. Sitting in the presence of Jesus gives you grace. Grace is what you need. If there’s no adoration nearby, just go sit in church and be present with Jesus in the tabernacle.

God always appreciates our efforts to love, serve, and obey. And he forgives us when we fail (if we repent). He will give you the strength you need. Pray for your love of God to be greater than love of self.
 
I also failed on these things while younger.

Along with the great advice given in the above post, I’ve found that truly learning John Paul II’s Love and Responsibility and Theology of the Body have given me the freedom to live chastely and to see the reasons why I need to do so.
 
Well, I guess I failed on these points too. We married as virgins, but had clearly been a bit “too far” while engaged 🤷 Even now where we’re married, we lack chastity.

But honestly, I am very unconfortable with this idea of “preserving” chastity. I think it is great to be able to do so, but isn’t focusing on our faults in this respect just another form of pride ? Yes, we’re sinners, yes, we’re weak. It just helped me soooo much when I realized God did not expect us / me to be perfect, but to try my best and go my path to join him.
Married life is all about getting to heaven. Not about keeping our chair there 😛 . This means we’re striving to become better people. We may happen to fall, but we still can rise again and improve ourselves
and in this respect I really second the advice about Theology of the Body. It is when I read it, a few weeks before our wedding, that I truly realized why we had been too far, and why we would have to try better.
 
This is an enormous struggle for most people - like others I also failed along the way.

But turning to God can (and does) bring healing. Yes, sin “damages” us, but through the Sacraments of Reconciliation, and receiving Christ in the Eucharist, and focusing on the blessings of our Wedding vows - we can come to heal those sins. It certainly doesn’t make us perfect, but the wound heals and the scars can fade with time, grace, and prayer.

Our journeys in this world are wrought with failure and sin - acknowledging and asking for forgiveness and healing help guide us back to the right path.
 
I have also failed in this department. Multiple times. 😦 The two best weapons are frequent prayer and confession. During the times I failed I had quit praying. I let God out and let sin in.
 
I too failed in this department before I was married. I grew up without much religion or talks of Jesus. Maybe if I had Jesus in my life, it would have made a difference? I know I feel different now but I am much older, I converted and I know Jesus now and I follow Him, and I teach my children about Him. I’m hoping that b/c they know and love Him, they won’t make the same mistakes I made. The important thing is how you act now. It is never too late to follow Jesus. A Priest told me leave all sin at the foot of the Cross and Jesus will take care of you…don’t think about the sin once you’ve confessed, and don’t repeat the sin, treat it as a temptation and pray to avoid it.
 
DL82 said:
Is there anyone out there who can tell me, truthfully, that their sexuality developed in the way the Church teaches it ought to, without any grave sin. That when they married, they did it:

As a virgin
Without masturbating or looking at pornography or dwelling on sexual fantasies ever
Without overstepping the bounds of chastity during courtship or in teenage years
Click to expand...
If they did it in North America during the 20th or 21st centuries, it is a miracle. We are so surrounded by pornographic images and unchaste speech that we almost don’t even notice them.

I think that it is relatively easy to remain physically a virgin, but chastity itself is much, much more difficult - remaining pure in thought and speech has got to be an almost impossible challenge for young people, today.
 
Fellow ‘flunkie’ in the school of purity checking in :). Key word for me in the discussion is ‘practicing’ chastity. It’s not something that comes naturally to us in our fallen state, but the Church gives us the sacraments so that as we practice the virtue, we get better at it.

Personally, I look back on my life and see a pattern where I happily wallowed in sin, then I learned to avoid sin and now, by the grace of God, I’m finally learning what it means to actually practice virtue. Do I still stumble? Yep. Every time I do, I resolve to pick myself up, go to confession and devote myself to practice even harder.

We don’t pop out of our mother’s wombs being able to play a concerto - it takes God-given talent combined with personal dedication to practice. God gives us the ‘talent’ to practice all the virtues (chastity included) by his grace through the sacraments. We have to do our part and practice.

Another good analogy for me is a ladder. We’re all climbing the ladder out of our sin, climbing higher and higher as we get better at living the virtues. When we slip, we’re only going down a few rungs - it’s not all the way to the bottom. If we learn from it, go to confession and get another boost of grace, then it’s an even quicker climb to get back those rungs.

My $0.02.
 
I also failed (spetacularly), but God turned it to good in a powerful way. I don’t think my marriage would be anywhere near as chaste without the pain of those failures.

I also think many members of the next generation will have it easier than we do, because our mistakes have shown us the importance of “innoculating” our children by teaching them holy attitudes about sexuality before they pick up the unhealthy ideas. For me, at least, this is why I could not be strong: I didn’t have a clear, healthy picture of sex, so I picked up on the unhealthy ideas instead. I was also very curious, and had no one to ask questions of who would give me healthy guidance.

My kids are absolutely going to read “The Good News About Sex and Marriage” or something equally good in their early-to-mid teens for their sex-ed. And yes, I mean early teens: I know what I knew at 15 a decade ago, and I know it’s only gotten worse. We have suffered, we have repented, and we have healed, by the grace of God, but by God’s grace may our children be spared this suffering.
 
I agree. Even unchaste speech is a biggie… And then there are the friends who “happen” to be watching cable when you step into the room…arggh
 
Let he who is without sin, cast the first stone…

Great post, yep, probably not many that haven’t stumbled one way or the other, but nice to see most are trying. Prayer, Confession, other Sacraments, and Sacratmentals. God is always there to give us the Grace we need if only we are faithful and ask.

Again,

Great post and great replies all!
 
Another failure here, and very ashamed of it. Thankfully I have a God full of forgiveness for me and a determination to teach my children better than I was taught.
 
Mrs_V said:
Another failure here, and very ashamed of it. Thankfully I have a God full of forgiveness for me and a determination to teach my children better than I was taught.
Click to expand...
ooooooo yes ! There is ONE thing I know I won’t do like my parents: when telling them “how babies are made”, and inciting them to keep sex for marriage, I will go further, be more graphic if necessary, but I will tell them what stages there are between a kiss and the marital embrace :rolleyes:. When DH and I got together I had noooo idea there could be anything between those, so I nad no clue whether this or that was wrong or not.
 
Epic fail here. Purity is one of the the main struggles for me even in this day!
 
Yea I think I fall into the Epic Fail category on some things. However I was Presbyterian at the time and did not believe that masturbation, contraception nor many other things were “sinful” nor did I teach that they were as Youth Director either… since those are “little D” dogmas I have trouble with them even today.

Who knows they might change in the future, go back and read Augustine or Aquinas on sexuality… obviously we don’t teach that anymore so the Church does have the ability to modify certain moral teachings.
 
Nope. Not even close. Wish I had respected God, myself, and others.

I know what you mean about feeling like damaged goods, but that’s Satan talkin’.

I don’t advocate sexual sin, not one bit. Here’s what God’s mercy has done for me, though:

I realize just how big his mercy is
I am eternally grateful to Jesus for taking me back
I am less jugemental because of how far I’ve fallen
I appreciate the sacraments more

Just when Satan thinks he’s won, Jesus comes in and kick his kiester.👍
 
Nowhere near perfect…to this very day. But refuse to beat myself up for it. We are not purley spiritual beings. We are flesh and blood. We come wired with nerves, hormones, urges, hungers, vulnerabilities and instincts that drive us to compete, discriminate, procreate, gather, hoard. It is how we are made, how we as a species survive and prosper.

We also have the benefit of grace, intellect, charity and faith. In combination we LEARN to control certain drives and/or express them in meaningful, committed ways.

I’m still working on gaining control over some of my baser instincts~not all of them related just to the procreative urge. Some are of a more “competitive” nature~that need to be the “alpha” in different situations. It will be a life-long strugggle to tame our urges. It should not be a source of “shame” when we fail, but an occasion to learn, adjust and move forward better equipped to face the challenge the next time it is encountered. To the extent we can incorporate our faith into this process, we can embrace spiritual ideals even as we struggle in our flesh-bound existence.
 
All have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God. For many of us, purity is one of the ways we fell short. In the world we live in, it’s pretty hard not to! But I think it helps to think of impurity as like other sins – just because you used to have a bad temper and lash out at people, just because you used to be lazy, doesn’t mean you have to act that way now. It doesn’t even make you, per se, “damaged goods.” Sure, those sins affect you more deeply. But they don’t take away any of your potential for future holiness.

The devil wants us to think that if we’ve sinned once, we’re just doomed. God knows that once we confess our sins, it’s as if they’ve never been, as far as He’s concerned. He’ll help us with the aftereffects, but no guilt remains.

St. Augustine was “damaged goods,” after all! He turned out amazingly holy – and I believe his illegitimate son, Adeodatus, became a saint as well. The past cannot keep us from making the future a wonderful thing.

If there is anyone who actually did do things perfectly – not even a small sin against purity – good for you; but I must point out that it’s important not to be prideful about these things. God allowed most of us to fall so that we would know how weak we are. There are people who have amazing purity and then lose it all because they were proud. Purity can only be a perfect virtue when it is sharing space with humility.

And worst of all are the people who say, “Well, I’m perfectly pure, so I would never marry anyone who had even looked at porn once,” or whatever. That’s wrong. Just because you are the very picture of purity doesn’t mean you don’t have tons of sins in other areas. Luckily no one is writing you off because you mouthed off to your mom when you were a kid, or whatever.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top