Are my parents correct in not supporting my decision?

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Melher

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Just a little background before I get into the dilemma: my boyfriend and I have been dating for 6 years now and both my parents love him. I also still live with my mom and siblings, my mom being the most religious of the bunch. I am in school and work a very part-time job that is mostly stress free and I’m allowed to do my homework. I don’t want to leave the job right now due to my autoimmune disease that’s triggered whenever I stress, and thankfully this job is perfect for not triggering stress (which my mom knows.) My mom has always been very controlling and on the verge of being toxic…

Ok so,
Me and my family are facing an eviction and we are struggling to find a place to stay, which has been especially hard because we are five adults in total and 3 children. We are not a social bunch, which limits us in regards to reaching out for help due to lack of friendships and/or networking. My boyfriend is VERY supportive and decided to take action and talked to his mom about letting me move in with them, which she agreed to. We had already talked about marriage plans and with all of this coming up, we’ve decided to rush it a bit since I’ll be moving in. Being in the situation that we’re in, I figured my parents would be supportive and understanding but it has been the opposite, mostly from my mom. She has suggested switching jobs that pay more, moving in with the “maaany” friends I supposedly have, and moving in with my very toxic sister and her family. I calmly explained that I can’t switch jobs due to what I stated above, and that all my two friends live with their parents and i wouldn’t be able to help pay rent bc of lack of funds. Living with my sister is a NO, she is a religious fanatic and loves to create drama. Which I don’t need. My boyfriend has a well paying job and assured me that I won’t have to worry about utility or rent bills if I move in, which is HUGE help. He also already sat down with both my parents and explained that even though it’s not an ideal plan to move in before marriage, that it is the best solution to an emergency like this. He also explained our plan to take our relationship seriously and marry sooner but they both got on their religious high horse and made us feel guilty and ashamed of even thinking of moving in together. I’m so disappointed. Right now is when we should all be supporting each other in such a stressful time. It’s a type of behavior I don’t understand when we are in dire need of a place to live…am I in the wrong?? Or are they for not being supportive enough??
 
Anyone who has an opinion about your situation is just giving their opinion. You should be able navigate on your own without seeking approval in order to invalidate your mother or whoever else is stating an opinion contrary to your own judgement.

Six years huh? That sounds like a long courtship.
 
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Six years. If you are an adult, just get married already. If you are not ready to marry, you aren’t ready to live together.

How does you moving in with your boyfriend change the fact that your family is being evicted? Are you contributing to your family’s income?
 
You are moving in to his parents’ house, not “living with” him. I presume you plan to sleep separately.

It is kind of his parents to extend this charity to you.

I suggest you talk to your pastor about your marriage plans. I don’t know what you mean by “Rush”, but Catholic marriage prep typically takes 6 months and shouldn’t be rushed.

Talk to your pastor and follow his advice. You do not need your parents’ permission and do not need to move into a toxic environment or take a full time job to support them.
 
Even if you started dating at the age of 12 you’re an adult now. You can live where you wish, and your boyfriend’s house sounds ideal.

You don’t list your country, but you might want to see if you can get any help given your disability.

I would suggest you find a budgeting class and other help in addition to pre-cana and pre-marital counseling.

I do not suggest that you let your boyfriend pay for everything. I would encourage you to set aside what would reasonably cover your expenses and NOT touch it…treat it as if it’s his mother’s money. Do not give your family access. If things go south, you will have a nest egg and know you can care for yourself. If things go well you can spend it however you like.
 
Yes, i was helping pay utility bills since we didn’t have any mortgage to buy for a year while the modifications of the house were being made.
 
I live in the U.S. and my bf won’t be paying for absolutely everything, I just wouldn’t have to worry about rent or utility bills. I’m still going to pay for my stuff (food, insurance, phone, gas, etc) but thank you for the advice! I do need to save up for whatever emergency.
 
I’m sleeping with him since he has a very small house with all the rooms being used up. His household is similar to mine with his mom being very spiritual and we both understand we need to respect her rules and boundaries. She’s aware i will be staying in his room.
 
Yes I understand that. I just wish my parents were for once supportive of something.
 
Melher said:
I’m sleeping with him since he has a very small house with all the rooms being used up. His household is similar to mine with his mom being very spiritual and we both understand we need to respect her rules and boundaries. She’s aware i will be staying in his room.
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No. Keep your stuff in his room, but find another place to sleep, even if it’s the couch.
 
Cecilia_Dympna said:
She’s an adult. I think the whole point of her posting this thread is she’s tired of being told what to do, like a child.
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She’s also asking what crosses a line in a dire circumstance. Staying at her boyfriend’s mother’s home is not crossing the line at all. However, staying in his bedroom, sleeping with him, really gets close to crossing that line. Even in a small home in America, there should be another option, even if she has to do a cot somewhere less desirable.

The whole situation stinks, it’s not ideal. But if you’re going to draw the line somewhere sleeping with him should be avoided, period.
 
I’d suggest the couch over together, him in a sleeping bag on the floor would be better.

But what is truly relevant is whether you are refraining from sexual intimacy.

Again, seek your pastor’s guidance on this.
 
It’s understandable that you’re unsure of what to do. There are several subjects being conflated here.
  1. How long to obey your parents
  2. What obedience means
  3. Moving in with your future in-laws
  4. Moving into your future husband’s bed.
Other posters have addressed subjects 1 and 2. So I’ll stick to 3 and 4. Moving in with your in-laws is NOT the same as moving in to a man’s bedroom, let alone a man’s bed.

I appreciate that you both believe you have self-control. But are you sure there isn’t another room in the house that can be repurposed? A basement? A walk-in closet? A cot? Anything at all?

Would it be a helpful suggestion that you marry before you move in? A priest, the two of you, and witnesses. Then have the big blow-out wedding as a repeat of vows when you have the money.

I ask because if you really are going to marry this man, I assume he would want to do right by you. I ask also because better parents than yours would be distressed if you weren’t married, but if you were comporting yourselves as apparently married. And thirdly, I ask because if your groom hems and haws and stalls about marrying you, you have your answer.

Best wishes, and our prayers.
 
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The_Old_Maid said:
Would it be a helpful suggestion that you marry before you move in? A priest, the two of you, and witnesses. Then have the big blow-out wedding as a repeat of vows when you have the money.
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There is deadlines to respect for a couple who whishes to marry in the Church. Usually, it is one year.
At the minimum exiged in many parishes, it is 6 mouths. For canonical law (don’t verify myself, but it was what I was said at the rectory) it is 4 mouths.
We married in less than 5 mouths, but not all pastor will accept that.

They can compress time and marry quicker if they need, than the usual, but it will be in their best interest to follow the most completete marriage preparation that they can, thinking hard on their future plans, and don’t do it only because of this problem of housing.
 
@Anicette: that’s a worthwhile point, and one I hadn’t fully considered. I was thinking more in terms of an engagement that is six years old already, and that presumably they would have done some of the work by now. (Children, pre-existing debt, views on investing, where they would live long-term, where they would retire, whose career is worth moving across country and whose career would take a supporting role, etc.) I was also surprised that they had not set a date by now. Maybe not to the day, but to the year, at least.

And when I suggest “basement, closet,” I’m not supposing that it is the bride’s duty to live in said basement or closet. If she has health considerations, and he is healthy, maybe she should be the one to have the bedroom and he can live in the temporary room. But they should be having some discussion about their future now, or there’s little point in making the present bend to it.
 
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I’m asking if I’m in the wrong for my decision or I if my parents are for not being understanding and supportive…
 
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