Are we a family?

  • Thread starter Thread starter KendraDZ1902
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
K

KendraDZ1902

Guest
When people get married, one of the first questions people start to ask is, “when are you going to start a family?”

I’m not able to have kids. Before I found out that I wasn’t able to have kids, I thought that a family involved children. Now, it kind of upsets me. Are my husband and I NOT a family? Are we viewed as just a couple? Will we always be viewed as just a couple or will one day people realize that children aren’t in our future and decide that my hubby is my family.

Thoughts?
 
First off, the answer to “when are you going to start a family?” is “I beg your pardon?” That is none of their business. Consider for just a moment what that question is asking! How nosy can you get? If anyone asked such a question were to burst into tears and run from the room, Miss Manners believes that would serve them right. At least the person who reacts in such a manner might be more likely to be the last person so thoughtlessly offended by that particular nosy person.

Having said that, I would not get wound up in semantics. You yourself used to think of the word “family” in the most narrow sense. You weren’t wrong–there is nothing demeaning to the inherent dignity of the married state of life to refer to a couple as a married couple and a couple and their children collectively as a family. OTOH, there is also nothing wrong with you saying, “My husband and I are currently a family of two.” There is no need to explain all the contingencies. You might feel inclined to say, “When that is due to change, believe me, there will be announcements.” I would not say more than that, unless you want to invite advice regarding the option of adoption or even advice from amateur fertility experts.
 
EasterJoy said:
First off, the answer to “when are you going to start a family?” is “I beg your pardon?” That is none of their business. Consider for just a moment what that question is asking! How nosy can you get? If anyone asked such a question were to burst into tears and run from the room, Miss Manners believes that would serve them right. At least the person who reacts in such a manner might be more likely to be the last person so thoughtlessly offended by that particular nosy person.

Having said that, I would not get wound up in semantics. You yourself used to think of the word “family” in the most narrow sense. You weren’t wrong–there is nothing demeaning to the inherent dignity of the married state of life to refer to a couple as a married couple and a couple and their children collectively as a family. OTOH, there is also nothing wrong with you saying, “My husband and I are currently a family of two.” There is no need to explain all the contingencies. You might feel inclined to say, “When that is due to change, believe me, there will be announcements.” I would not say more than that, unless you want to invite advice regarding the option of adoption or even advice from amateur fertility experts.
Click to expand...
Yep 👍
 
Yes you are a family! A family comes in all sizes. God bless you and your hubby.
 
I have a friend who continuously asks when DH and I are going to have a second child. Sometimes she does it directly and sometimes in a sneaky, joking way. Sometimes she flat out says, “It’s time for another one.” Regardless of how it’s done, her talking about this with DH and me is one of the most annoying and offensive things I’ve ever experienced. It’s no one’s business when and how many kids you are going to have (if any) except yours and your husband’s.

And yes, you and your husband are a family. You and your husband have each other, and that is a great blessing from God!
 
Maine52 said:
Sometimes she flat out says, “It’s time for another one.”
Click to expand...
Which invites the flat out reply: “Oh, good! When you get pregnant, you let me know, and I’ll throw the baby shower!”
 
EasterJoy said:
First off, the answer to “when are you going to start a family?” is “I beg your pardon?” That is none of their business. Consider for just a moment what that question is asking! How nosy can you get? If anyone asked such a question were to burst into tears and run from the room, Miss Manners believes that would serve them right. At least the person who reacts in such a manner might be more likely to be the last person so thoughtlessly offended by that particular nosy person.

Having said that, I would not get wound up in semantics. You yourself used to think of the word “family” in the most narrow sense. You weren’t wrong–there is nothing demeaning to the inherent dignity of the married state of life to refer to a couple as a married couple and a couple and their children collectively as a family. OTOH, there is also nothing wrong with you saying, “My husband and I are currently a family of two.” There is no need to explain all the contingencies. You might feel inclined to say, “When that is due to change, believe me, there will be announcements.” I would not say more than that, unless you want to invite advice regarding the option of adoption or even advice from amateur fertility experts.
Click to expand...
👍
 
KendraDZ1902 said:
When people get married, one of the first questions people start to ask is, “when are you going to start a family?”
Thoughts?
Click to expand...
and my reply… “I thought we were a family… when are you going to get a lama?”

yes, I’ve actually said that :rotfl:
 
You are a family just the way you are. When someone asks you a question which is none of their business I always do what Dear Abby said. " Why do you need to know?" It is usually a conversation stopper. If they persist, which is unbelievably rude, just say your don’t want to discuss it. If you think the question has religious overtones then just say you are the family God wants you to be. Some people are just incredibly rude and walking away is the only answer. God Bless.
 
KendraDZ1902 said:
When people get married, one of the first questions people start to ask is, “when are you going to start a family?”

I’m not able to have kids. Before I found out that I wasn’t able to have kids, I thought that a family involved children. Now, it kind of upsets me. Are my husband and I NOT a family? Are we viewed as just a couple? Will we always be viewed as just a couple or will one day people realize that children aren’t in our future and decide that my hubby is my family.

Thoughts?
Click to expand...
I’m sorry about your situation. First of all you and your husband are a family. Family does not count on size or numbers in it. So in essense a single person is a family of one in that sense. You are a family of two. In this day an age, there are too many ignorant and insensitive people that ask noisy stupid questions like this but can be expanded to marriage, getting married etc and so on. While you can probably come up with snappy pithy answer to people that ask these sorts of questions, at least use these bad experiences to make yourself more sensitive to other situations with other people. That’s what I’ve learned being in your same shoes, I learned to respect other’s privacy. I’ll give another example, a girl on my daughter’s teams had parents that always came separately. It wasn’t real noticable. They looked to be obviously married and sat and talked with each other. I never thought much about it and never asked why the separate cars. After a year, the mom shared with me that they were divorced but wanted to work together in a front for their daughter and wanted privacy over their divorce and no questions or comments. I think there is a need for privacy in a Facebook world. Not everything needs to be out there or asked about. I’ve used my own struggles to be sensitive to other people and their situations.
 
*one of the first questions people start to ask is, “when are you going to start a family?” *

Just curious, and not to challenge you, but how many people have actually asked you that, so bluntly? Maybe its just me, but I can’ t even imagine asking something like that flat-out! I might ask something like, “Do you plan on having any kids?” but even then only if it was pretty close friends.
 
Kendra: Yes, you and your husband are a family. :blessyou:
sscott said:
You are a family just the way you are. When someone asks you a question which is none of their business I always do what Dear Abby said. " Why do you need to know?" It is usually a conversation stopper. If they persist, which is unbelievably rude, just say your don’t want to discuss it. If you think the question has religious overtones then just say you are the family God wants you to be. Some people are just incredibly rude and walking away is the only answer. God Bless.
Click to expand...
I like Ann Landers’ response to questions like this: “I’ll forgive you for asking if you’ll forgive me for not answering”
thegreypiper said:
*one of the first questions people start to ask is, “when are you going to start a family?” *

Just curious, and not to challenge you, but how many people have actually asked you that, so bluntly? Maybe its just me, but I can’ t even imagine asking something like that flat-out! I might ask something like, “Do you plan on having any kids?” but even then only if it was pretty close friends.
Click to expand...
People ask that all.the.time! I’ve even heard it at wedding showers. :rolleyes:
 
EasterJoy said:
First off, the answer to “when are you going to start a family?” is “I beg your pardon?” That is none of their business. Consider for just a moment what that question is asking! How nosy can you get? If anyone asked such a question were to burst into tears and run from the room, Miss Manners believes that would serve them right. At least the person who reacts in such a manner might be more likely to be the last person so thoughtlessly offended by that particular nosy person.

Having said that, I would not get wound up in semantics. You yourself used to think of the word “family” in the most narrow sense. You weren’t wrong–there is nothing demeaning to the inherent dignity of the married state of life to refer to a couple as a married couple and a couple and their children collectively as a family. OTOH, there is also nothing wrong with you saying, “My husband and I are currently a family of two.” There is no need to explain all the contingencies. You might feel inclined to say, “When that is due to change, believe me, there will be announcements.” I would not say more than that, unless you want to invite advice regarding the option of adoption or even advice from amateur fertility experts.
Click to expand...
Instead of getting angry, I’m totally going to start bursting into tears. I bet that will make people stop asking me! lol.
I love that you gave me options to say, because I become stumped when someone asks something so personal. Thank you.
 
robwar said:
I’m sorry about your situation. First of all you and your husband are a family. Family does not count on size or numbers in it. So in essense a single person is a family of one in that sense. You are a family of two. In this day an age, there are too many ignorant and insensitive people that ask noisy stupid questions like this but can be expanded to marriage, getting married etc and so on. While you can probably come up with snappy pithy answer to people that ask these sorts of questions, at least use these bad experiences to make yourself more sensitive to other situations with other people. That’s what I’ve learned being in your same shoes, I learned to respect other’s privacy. I’ll give another example, a girl on my daughter’s teams had parents that always came separately. It wasn’t real noticable. They looked to be obviously married and sat and talked with each other. I never thought much about it and never asked why the separate cars. After a year, the mom shared with me that they were divorced but wanted to work together in a front for their daughter and wanted privacy over their divorce and no questions or comments. I think there is a need for privacy in a Facebook world. Not everything needs to be out there or asked about. I’ve used my own struggles to be sensitive to other people and their situations.
Click to expand...
Thanks. I can really use this time to find and show empathy towards others who have private matters that they feel should be private.
Everything is so instantaneous with social media, that people DO seem more nosey that in the past.
 
thegreypiper said:
*one of the first questions people start to ask is, “when are you going to start a family?” *

Just curious, and not to challenge you, but how many people have actually asked you that, so bluntly? Maybe its just me, but I can’ t even imagine asking something like that flat-out! I might ask something like, “Do you plan on having any kids?” but even then only if it was pretty close friends.
Click to expand...
It started at the wedding…actually before the wedding. We went to dinner with hubby’s best man and he asked like a week before the wedding. It has happened a few times at church functions. One time was during the Christ Renews His Parish retreat. I was the youngest there. Most of the other women were closer my parent’s age or older. I was put on the spot then. A lady asked me when were we going to start a family because I mentioned that the next day was our one year anniversary. He was deployed at the time and I just laughed it off and said that he had to be around to make babies. 😃
We have been married now for 2 1/2 years. Hubby is deployed and I get the question (since he is guaranteed no deployments for at least 18 months because of a class he has to take) if we are going to start trying for children when he gets back. It will be close to our 3 year mark when he comes home. So, I guess people just think that it is time or something. 🤷

It has been recent that I found out that I can’t have children. Two months ago, actually. The only ones who know are my mom, sister, and husband. I haven’t even told his family, yet.
 
I completely understand how it could be very upsetting that you are unable to have children, I will pray for you. But if you do desire to have children there are other options, there are many children who are in need of loving caring parents. Pray about it. Remember Jesus is amazing and can work miracles, you may be not always be a family of two 😉
 
Families of two are needed just as much as families of 10…my friend was able to help when I lost our twins simply because she had no other family obligations (our husbands were deployed at the time as well). We get asked constantly when we are going to STOP having kids so it seems no one is ever satisfied either way. My friend also cannot have kids. She told me she felt able to confide that in me since I never pestered her about why she has none. They’ve been married for about 15 years and decided to adopt about 5 years ago, but agencies make it extremely hard for military couples to adopt. It can be done, but it is difficult due to our lifestyle. It’s hard to get all the local references and some agencies don’t consider our families “stable” enough, whatever that means. Personally I’m glad it has worked out the way it has for her family. She is a second mom to so many kids–including mine. She volunteers with at risk teens, volunteers at crisis pregnancy center, loves rocking the babies in the nursery at church and the emergency child care center (a drop off for stressed out parents in certain situations) and she teaches Sunday school classes. If she had children, our community would be out an awesome hero because her obligations would change. She and her husband are a beautiful family and a wonderful example of marital love and sacrifice. They are a terrific example of how Christian marriages and family should work. And I’m sure your beautiful family is just as amazing. I’m sorry you have to deal with nosey people. Most probably don’t mean any harm, or at least that’s what I tell myself when I get comments about my family size. It doesn’t make it easier or any more polite, though. And I’m glad your husband is not deploying again for a while. Mine is heading to Africa so once again my friend will be helping out quite a bit. Once again I’m thanking God for making some families of two to help out my family of 10. There’s definitely a place in the world for families of all sizes.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top