Are we a family?

[Xantippe]

Thanks. I can really use this time to find and show empathy towards others who have private matters that they feel should be private.
Everything is so instantaneous with social media, that people DO seem more nosey that in the past.

Yeah.

And people don’t stop to think about how personal certain questions are.

My personal record for getting nosy questions was when I was expecting our third and a fellow mom (her husband worked where my husband does, but in a more junior position) asked me in the course of approximately a minute or so 1) if my current pregnancy were planned and 2) whether my previous births had been vaginal. She’s a very nice person, but WOW!

Boundaries, people!

(Just as a helpful hint, if your question contains the word “vaginal” in it, think whether or not you really need to know.)

 

[Xantippe]

It started at the wedding…actually before the wedding. We went to dinner with hubby’s best man and he asked like a week before the wedding. It has happened a few times at church functions. One time was during the Christ Renews His Parish retreat. I was the youngest there. Most of the other women were closer my parent’s age or older. I was put on the spot then. A lady asked me when were we going to start a family because I mentioned that the next day was our one year anniversary. He was deployed at the time and I just laughed it off and said that he had to be around to make babies.
We have been married now for 2 1/2 years. Hubby is deployed and I get the question (since he is guaranteed no deployments for at least 18 months because of a class he has to take) if we are going to start trying for children when he gets back. It will be close to our 3 year mark when he comes home. So, I guess people just think that it is time or something.

It has been recent that I found out that I can’t have children. Two months ago, actually. The only ones who know are my mom, sister, and husband. I haven’t even told his family, yet.

Telling your husband’s family before any holiday where you have to see them all would be a good idea.

 

[Xantippe]

Families of two are needed just as much as families of 10…my friend was able to help when I lost our twins simply because she had no other family obligations (our husbands were deployed at the time as well). We get asked constantly when we are going to STOP having kids so it seems no one is ever satisfied either way.

**And that’s why book groups got invented–a lot of people need a little more structure in terms of conversational topics. Tact involves:

1. not talking to childless people about their not having kids
2. not talking to people with more than 2 kids about stopping
3. not talking to fat people about diets (unless they bring it up)
4. not talking to tall people about the weather up there, their highschool basketball career, their shoe size, etc.
5. not talking to jobless people about their job hunt every time you see them
6. not bringing up their dissertation to a doctoral student every time you see them
   Etc.

Glad your friend was available to help you.
**

My friend also cannot have kids. She told me she felt able to confide that in me since I never pestered her about why she has none. They’ve been married for about 15 years and decided to adopt about 5 years ago, but agencies make it extremely hard for military couples to adopt. It can be done, but it is difficult due to our lifestyle. It’s hard to get all the local references and some agencies don’t consider our families “stable” enough, whatever that means. Personally I’m glad it has worked out the way it has for her family. She is a second mom to so many kids–including mine. She volunteers with at risk teens, volunteers at crisis pregnancy center, loves rocking the babies in the nursery at church and the emergency child care center (a drop off for stressed out parents in certain situations) and she teaches Sunday school classes. If she had children, our community would be out an awesome hero because her obligations would change. She and her husband are a beautiful family and a wonderful example of marital love and sacrifice. They are a terrific example of how Christian marriages and family should work.

Awwww.

And I’m sure your beautiful family is just as amazing. I’m sorry you have to deal with nosey people. Most probably don’t mean any harm, or at least that’s what I tell myself when I get comments about my family size. It doesn’t make it easier or any more polite, though. And I’m glad your husband is not deploying again for a while. Mine is heading to Africa so once again my friend will be helping out quite a bit. Once again I’m thanking God for making some families of two to help out my family of 10. There’s definitely a place in the world for families of all sizes.

Best wishes with your husband’s deployment!

 

[KendraDZ1902]

Telling your husband’s family before any holiday where you have to see them all would be a good idea.

I think I’m going to wait a little while. They are the only group of people who aren’t pressuring us. Lol Also, one of his sisters just had her 3rd child. The other sister is planning her wedding for the spring. I just don’t want to rain on their parades. He won’t be home for this year’s holidays and I don’t want to tell them by myself.
I guess with news like this, there is never a good time.

 

[oldgraymare2]

Hi Kendra,

I am so very sorry that you have had to face some very insensitive comments. :hug1:

I have been through it, too. My husband’s co-workers used to say things to him after we were recently married.

On top of having to endure those comments, I was really, really, ill when we were first married, too, and I was going through GI tests to find out what was wrong.

 

[Xantippe]

I think I’m going to wait a little while. They are the only group of people who aren’t pressuring us. Lol Also, one of his sisters just had her 3rd child. The other sister is planning her wedding for the spring. I just don’t want to rain on their parades. He won’t be home for this year’s holidays and I don’t want to tell them by myself.
I guess with news like this, there is never a good time.

Yeah.

It’s good that they haven’t been putting the heat on.

Bear in mind that your news is big for you, but it’s not necessarily huge news for the family (particularly not for siblings, who sound pretty busy). You can get away with emailing them (maybe jointly with your husband?) and you’re good. This isn’t something that requires a big face-to-face HGTV-style reveal.

The really important thing is not giving people the impression that you resent their happiness and that you believe that the fact that they are pregnant or had a baby somehow reduces the amount of happiness in the universe available to you. You sound OK, but a lot of women struggle with this one.

 

[madtom]

I think everyone who has responded here has pretty well stated that of course you ARE a family, and that the question itself is so insensitive. I never ask anyone when they;re going to have kids. I have seen too many people close to me struggle with that as you have to know that it is NONE of my business.

But just to get technical, according to Webster’s Dictionary, there are several definitions of the word “family” including:

1. the basic unit in society traditionally consisting of two parents rearing their children
2. a group of individuals living under one roof and usually under one head

Clearly, you and your husband fall under the second definition, which is no less a family than the first!

 

[EasterJoy]

Thanks. I can really use this time to find and show empathy towards others who have private matters that they feel should be private.
Everything is so instantaneous with social media, that people DO seem more nosey that in the past.

I think that maybe social media merely allows people living thousands of miles apart to be as nosey as they were back when they lived in small towns with no TV, LOL!

 

[Xantippe]

I think everyone who has responded here has pretty well stated that of course you ARE a family, and that the question itself is so insensitive. I never ask anyone when they;re going to have kids. I have seen too many people close to me struggle with that as you have to know that it is NONE of my business.

But just to get technical, according to Webster’s Dictionary, there are several definitions of the word “family” including:

1. the basic unit in society traditionally consisting of two parents rearing their children
2. a group of individuals living under one roof and usually under one head

Clearly, you and your husband fall under the second definition, which is no less a family than the first!

My feeling is that in American English, we often do talk as though being a family requires children, but when I lived in Russia, I noticed that there, a married couple would be referred to automatically as a family (“sem’ya”).

 

[EasterJoy]

I think I’m going to wait a little while. They are the only group of people who aren’t pressuring us. Lol Also, one of his sisters just had her 3rd child. The other sister is planning her wedding for the spring. I just don’t want to rain on their parades. He won’t be home for this year’s holidays and I don’t want to tell them by myself.
I guess with news like this, there is never a good time.

You might consider this: Don’t tell “them.” Get your MIL alone and tell her. Or have your husband call her up and tell her.

People do not have as wide a view as God does, and sometimes forget that God can intend a married couple to be a different sort of expression of His generous love in the world than people are used to thinking about. As far as the nosy questions, yes, they are nosy, but you can choose to take it to mean what they probably do mean: they think you are a great couple and any child would be lucky to have you as parents. It is right to take the questions as intrusive, but do not forget to take them as a sort of a compliment, too. (In the same way as paparazzi are a “compliment,” don’t get me wrong!!)

 

[z_0101]

I still think asking them about their upcoming acquisition of a lama is the way to go… offer to go with them to pick out the harness and help load the fuzzy beast into the trailer.

as a military brat…

1. Thank you for being a Military Wife!
   You give up so much for our country - the price of which cannot be calculated nor repaid. - So, when your DH is home, please give him a hug from one military family to another (well, my late step-father and my father both retired ages ago; however, once a brat always a brat ). :grouphug:
2. My wife and I also had difficulties conceiving. Turns out that among many issues one was that her thyroid does not function properly. You need to see a specialist known as an endocrinologist to have this checked out. The general practitioner will go by what is known as a TSH test result which, in my wife’s case, does not always accurately show thyroid problems. The other option is to see an OB/GYN that has studied at the :
   Pope Paul VI Institute for the Study of Human Reproduction (Click thru)
   My wife’s OB/GYN has done so and he’s the only one that finally figured out how to balance her thyroid function… and we now have the fourth child, and that wasn’t expected! If you will PM me I’ll send you his phone number and he may be able to refer you to a Catholic-OB/GYN in your area that has a more indepth training than the stand PhD.
   (don’t get me wrong… there are a lot of very good Med-PhD, just that what they have been being taught in the main-stream schools about endocrinology and reproductive health in women has been lacking and may take 20 years or more to catch up!)
3. And as EasterJoy said

People do not have as wide a view as God does, and sometimes forget that God can intend a married couple to be a different sort of expression of His generous love in the world than people are used to thinking about

→ and keep asking about that lama, I used to keep a few sales brochures handy to pass out to people - no, seriously, you can find breeders and all sorts of little promo stuff, it’s wild what one can find at a 4H exhibit at the county fair! (yes the wife would admonish me… and I give prayer cards out the Mormons and Jjehovah’s witness that stop by too, or I did… they just walk by the house now… shame really, I enjoyed the conversations.

 

[Irishmom2]

*one of the first questions people start to ask is, “when are you going to start a family?” *

Just curious, and not to challenge you, but how many people have actually asked you that, so bluntly? Maybe its just me, but I can’ t even imagine asking something like that flat-out! I might ask something like, “Do you plan on having any kids?” but even then only if it was pretty close friends.

What difference does it make how many times she is asked that?

It happens so often that other people have commented on it in other threads. “Do you plan on having any kids?” is none of your business either. You can’t know them very well or you would know how they feel about if they plan on having kids. Find something else to make conversation with. That is the kindest thing a true friend would do.

 

[Irishmom2]

You might consider this: Don’t tell “them.” Get your MIL alone and tell her. Or have your husband call her up and tell her.

I agree with this. It really is no one else’s business. And is not your responsibility to tell anyone except who you want to tell. If it were me, I would expect my husband to give them the information on his own.

 

[Sarcelle]

*one of the first questions people start to ask is, “when are you going to start a family?” *

Just curious, and not to challenge you, but how many people have actually asked you that, so bluntly? Maybe its just me, but I can’ t even imagine asking something like that flat-out! I might ask something like, “Do you plan on having any kids?” but even then only if it was pretty close friends.

There are some cultures, especially non North American cultures, where the notion of the individual or the concept of the individual is non-existent. Boundaries do not exist so people’s business is everyone’s business. This is especially true in Asia. I think it also exists to a lesser extent in the US. So yes, it is possible to encounter people who think everybody’s business is their business.

 

[KendraDZ1902]

I still think asking them about their upcoming acquisition of a lama is the way to go… offer to go with them to pick out the harness and help load the fuzzy beast into the trailer.

as a military brat…

1. Thank you for being a Military Wife!
   You give up so much for our country - the price of which cannot be calculated nor repaid. - So, when your DH is home, please give him a hug from one military family to another (well, my late step-father and my father both retired ages ago; however, once a brat always a brat ). :grouphug:
2. My wife and I also had difficulties conceiving. Turns out that among many issues one was that her thyroid does not function properly. You need to see a specialist known as an endocrinologist to have this checked out. The general practitioner will go by what is known as a TSH test result which, in my wife’s case, does not always accurately show thyroid problems. The other option is to see an OB/GYN that has studied at the :
   Pope Paul VI Institute for the Study of Human Reproduction (Click thru)
   My wife’s OB/GYN has done so and he’s the only one that finally figured out how to balance her thyroid function… and we now have the fourth child, and that wasn’t expected! If you will PM me I’ll send you his phone number and he may be able to refer you to a Catholic-OB/GYN in your area that has a more indepth training than the stand PhD.
   (don’t get me wrong… there are a lot of very good Med-PhD, just that what they have been being taught in the main-stream schools about endocrinology and reproductive health in women has been lacking and may take 20 years or more to catch up!)
3. And as EasterJoy said

→ and keep asking about that lama, I used to keep a few sales brochures handy to pass out to people - no, seriously, you can find breeders and all sorts of little promo stuff, it’s wild what one can find at a 4H exhibit at the county fair! (yes the wife would admonish me… and I give prayer cards out the Mormons and Jjehovah’s witness that stop by too, or I did… they just walk by the house now… shame really, I enjoyed the conversations.

I will give him a big hug from you next time I see him.
I didn’t go to the doctor for fertility issues. I went for something else and come to find out it causes infertility. I’m on meds now, I have to go back ever so often to keep it in check. They hope my infertility can be reversible, but told me there was no guarantee. I just have to keep seeing what the doctor says.

 

[rjg99a]

Note: I come from a protestant background, not catholic. That may or may not change things, as I know the catholic view of family size is different and therefore experiences may be sightly different.

My husband I married age 24/25. We were actively trying not to get pregnant for the first 4 yrs (again, protestant upbringing, so having kids right away is not necessarily expected, though welcome). Then we started TTC and had trouble. By this time, I was in my late 20s and people started asking me about kids, if we wanted them, when we thought we’d have them etc. At the time, I felt saddened when they’d ask (and on the bad days, even offended), but in looking back, I realize that the vast majority of them meant no harm in asking. I sometimes wish I had not let myself become so bitter about the things people accidentally said to me. I always tried to find the intent in what someone said. And if I ever did feel like someone was being too personal, then I would politely comment back very vague, like “I’m not sure yet”. And that usually dropped the conversation.

Also, though I don’t think this excuses the behavior, some people may actually think they are helping. Perhaps not in Catholic circles, but in secular circles, I think there is a false belief that getting pregnant in your mid 30s-40s is easy and they plan to wait until then. Many women honestly don’t realize how much fertility takes a hit after 35. So maybe some people say this - without knowing your story - hoping to encourage you not to wait too long before having kids. I say this because, at age 27, I was an egg donor (again, I was not raised catholic!), and the recipient mother, who was in her 40s by then, wrote me a message that I will never forget. Among many other things, she mentioned that if I was planning to have kids of my own, that I should probably not wait much longer than 30 to begin, as life has a way of sneaking up on us otherwise. Her saying that actually made a huge difference to me, and my husband and I began TTC at 28 instead of our previously agreed upon 30-32.

So, I guess what I’m reiterating is to think of a person’s intent before letting yourself get upset at them asking about your family size. Heck, back in the day when I was first married and didn’t fully understand what was considered inappropriate, I remember asking my newly-pregnant coworkers if it was on purpose or accident. I didn’t know that was a rude question. I’m thankful that they didn’t hold a grudge against me for asking that.

Also, about being told you couldn’t conceive. I hope this doesn’t offend you and I’m only sharing my knowledge. But I’ve been a part of the fertility industry for many years and am a bit of an expert at this point. And, without knowing the specifics of your case of course, but I can tell you that that is a HUGE difference between “difficulty conceiving” and “unable-to-conceive”. In fact, I think it is rather rare for a couple to have absolutely no chance of natural conception. However, so many doctors do not fully explain what is going on in a woman’s (or males, if it’s male infertility) body, and instead just throw ART treatments at them, or offhandedly tell them they won’t be able to conceive without help.

Actually, in a very odd way, it is my study of the world of ART that has led me to really embrace the Catholic belief of birth control, NCP, and ART…and has led me to Catholicism (I’m in RCIA right now).

I definitely agree that you might want to look into the Pope Paul VI Institute/ NaProTechonolgy. What kind of doctor told you you couldn’t conceive? An OBGYN? Or a Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE)? If it was an OBGYN, you absolutely must get more tests done. An OBGYN can’t fully diagnose infertility. There are so many more underlying issues that can be checked out first and possibly be corrected. I actually really like the ‘catholic’ use of the word “subfertilty” as opposed to “infertility”. Conception might be much harder for some couples than others, but it is rarely truly 100% impossible.

If you want to, you are more than welcome to send me a PM if you’d like more guidance as far as fertility testing and issues. From the little you’ve said, I’m wondering if you are dealing with endometriosis?

Oh, and I think I forgot to mention this, but while having difficult conceiving, my husband and I went to get tested and turns out we had male infertility issues. The fertility doctor (of course) jumped straight to IVF/ICSI as our only way of getting pregnant (too many doctors today just jump straight to IVF, since it gives them the most control over the outcome, instead of testing for underlying issues first, or dismissing underlying issues as not important), but I felt uncomfortable with that and had my husband get checked by a urologist instead. The urologist was able to find an underlying issue and treat it (varicoceles) with surgery. His surgery was over 4 years ago and we now have 2 kids. We had unsuccessfully tried to conceive for 2 years before that.

 

[EasterJoy]

There are some cultures, especially non North American cultures, where the notion of the individual or the concept of the individual is non-existent. Boundaries do not exist so people’s business is everyone’s business. This is especially true in Asia. I think it also exists to a lesser extent in the US. So yes, it is possible to encounter people who think everybody’s business is their business.

I somehow doubt that the concept of a busybody is unique to the West. The concept of modesty about disclosing oneself is also not unknown outside of Western countries.

The truth is, I do not think the world has known a parallel to the invasion of personal boundaries we have now. Certainly people used to know a lot about everyone else’s business, but they at least had the decency to learn of it via gossip or unwise bragging, and not via public interrogations!

 

[KendraDZ1902]

Note: I come from a protestant background, not catholic. That may or may not change things, as I know the catholic view of family size is different and therefore experiences may be sightly different.

My husband I married age 24/25. We were actively trying not to get pregnant for the first 4 yrs (again, protestant upbringing, so having kids right away is not necessarily expected, though welcome). Then we started TTC and had trouble. By this time, I was in my late 20s and people started asking me about kids, if we wanted them, when we thought we’d have them etc. At the time, I felt saddened when they’d ask (and on the bad days, even offended), but in looking back, I realize that the vast majority of them meant no harm in asking. I sometimes wish I had not let myself become so bitter about the things people accidentally said to me. I always tried to find the intent in what someone said. And if I ever did feel like someone was being too personal, then I would politely comment back very vague, like “I’m not sure yet”. And that usually dropped the conversation.

Also, though I don’t think this excuses the behavior, some people may actually think they are helping. Perhaps not in Catholic circles, but in secular circles, I think there is a false belief that getting pregnant in your mid 30s-40s is easy and they plan to wait until then. Many women honestly don’t realize how much fertility takes a hit after 35. So maybe some people say this - without knowing your story - hoping to encourage you not to wait too long before having kids. I say this because, at age 27, I was an egg donor (again, I was not raised catholic!), and the recipient mother, who was in her 40s by then, wrote me a message that I will never forget. Among many other things, she mentioned that if I was planning to have kids of my own, that I should probably not wait much longer than 30 to begin, as life has a way of sneaking up on us otherwise. Her saying that actually made a huge difference to me, and my husband and I began TTC at 28 instead of our previously agreed upon 30-32.

So, I guess what I’m reiterating is to think of a person’s intent before letting yourself get upset at them asking about your family size. Heck, back in the day when I was first married and didn’t fully understand what was considered inappropriate, I remember asking my newly-pregnant coworkers if it was on purpose or accident. I didn’t know that was a rude question. I’m thankful that they didn’t hold a grudge against me for asking that.

Also, about being told you couldn’t conceive. I hope this doesn’t offend you and I’m only sharing my knowledge. But I’ve been a part of the fertility industry for many years and am a bit of an expert at this point. And, without knowing the specifics of your case of course, but I can tell you that that is a HUGE difference between “difficulty conceiving” and “unable-to-conceive”. In fact, I think it is rather rare for a couple to have absolutely no chance of natural conception. However, so many doctors do not fully explain what is going on in a woman’s (or males, if it’s male infertility) body, and instead just throw ART treatments at them, or offhandedly tell them they won’t be able to conceive without help.

Actually, in a very odd way, it is my study of the world of ART that has led me to really embrace the Catholic belief of birth control, NCP, and ART…and has led me to Catholicism (I’m in RCIA right now).

I definitely agree that you might want to look into the Pope Paul VI Institute/ NaProTechonolgy. What kind of doctor told you you couldn’t conceive? An OBGYN? Or a Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE)? If it was an OBGYN, you absolutely must get more tests done. An OBGYN can’t fully diagnose infertility. There are so many more underlying issues that can be checked out first and possibly be corrected. I actually really like the ‘catholic’ use of the word “subfertilty” as opposed to “infertility”. Conception might be much harder for some couples than others, but it is rarely truly 100% impossible.

If you want to, you are more than welcome to send me a PM if you’d like more guidance as far as fertility testing and issues. From the little you’ve said, I’m wondering if you are dealing with endometriosis?

Oh, and I think I forgot to mention this, but while having difficult conceiving, my husband and I went to get tested and turns out we had male infertility issues

The thing is, is that I don’t want to be fixed. Not right now at least. I don’t want to go to specialist. I’m on medication to treat the underlining cause, but I’m not going to run to my nearest fertility specialist.
See, this past year has been HELL. It’s one thing after another. I was diagnosed with multiple mental illnesses, I was voluntarily admitted into a mental health facility. I was told by my family that I had to come home for Hubby’s deployment because of my issues, then I find out that I’m not only mentally ill, but that the chances of me being able to have a child are very slim, unless they can reverse it.
I’m sick and tired of doctors and appointments. I’m sick and tired of medicine. If what my physician can do still ends up with me not having a baby, I’m fine with that, right now.
I’m not out to seek opinions about what I need or shouldn’t do.
This post was to help me see if my husband and I are a family, minus the rugrats.
Maybe this issue with infertility is God’s way of saying, " Right now Kendra, you have way too many issues to throw an innocent child into the mix." When or if it is ever time, I’m sure everything will level out and if God wants me to, I will either have a kid, feel the need to go to a specialist, or adopt. Right now, I’m just tired of people sticking their noses into sex life, asking when I’m going to “start a family.” By the looks of this thread, my family was started on my wedding day.

 

[rjg99a]

The thing is, is that I don’t want to be fixed. Not right now at least. I don’t want to go to specialist. I’m on medication to treat the underlining cause, but I’m not going to run to my nearest fertility specialist.
See, this past year has been HELL. It’s one thing after another. I was diagnosed with multiple mental illnesses, I was voluntarily admitted into a mental health facility. I was told by my family that I had to come home for Hubby’s deployment because of my issues, then I find out that I’m not only mentally ill, but that the chances of me being able to have a child are very slim, unless they can reverse it.
I’m sick and tired of doctors and appointments. I’m sick and tired of medicine. If what my physician can do still ends up with me not having a baby, I’m fine with that, right now.
I’m not out to seek opinions about what I need or shouldn’t do.
This post was to help me see if my husband and I are a family, minus the rugrats.
Maybe this issue with infertility is God’s way of saying, " Right now Kendra, you have way too many issues to throw an innocent child into the mix." When or if it is ever time, I’m sure everything will level out and if God wants me to, I will either have a kid, feel the need to go to a specialist, or adopt. Right now, I’m just tired of people sticking their noses into sex life, asking when I’m going to “start a family.” By the looks of this thread, my family was started on my wedding day.

Oh, I didn’t know that any of that had been going on in your life or that you were not desiring children. I’m sorry; I guess I had instead picked up that you had originally hoped to be able to have kids, but life hadn’t worked that way and that you were looking for reassurance that you and your husband were still complete without kids. I didn’t mean to intrude or offend and hope that I didn’t. Like I mentioned in my post, often times people are genuinely just trying to help and don’t mean any harm.

I wish you the best with everything regarding your health and hope that things get better for you soon.

 

[KendraDZ1902]

Oh, I didn’t know that any of that had been going on in your life or that you were not desiring children. I’m sorry; I guess I had instead picked up that you had originally hoped to be able to have kids, but life hadn’t worked that way and that you were looking for reassurance that you and your husband were still complete without kids. I didn’t mean to intrude or offend and hope that I didn’t. Like I mentioned in my post, often times people are genuinely just trying to help and don’t mean any harm.

I wish you the best with everything regarding your health and hope that things get better for you soon.

Growing up I thought I would have kids. Right now, this is new and sometimes I’m saddened by it. I didn’t go to the doctor because I couldn’t conceive, I wasn’t even expecting that to be an issue. Honestly, I just don’t want anymore bad news medically. Heck, they way my luck has been this year I’m kind of afraid to know anything else about my body. Lol.