Are wives responsible for all housework when working full-time?

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In the end, every marriage is different and every set of circumstances unique.

That said, I can say that in our household, we have worked very hard to share everything. Both my wife and I work 60 to 70 hours a week, sometimes more, and try to divide and conquer the housework . I enjoy cooking and cleaning, and so I take the lead in those departments. She takes the lead on laundry, and then we both help each other where we can. Our two kids are still relatively young, but they are helping more and more each day.

It’s never perfect, but I think it works for us. I would urge you to find something that works for your marriage, and, as others have suggested, to reach out to those professionals who might be able to help you do so.
 
Well I think each married couple needs to work out what works best for them. In my case, we split a lot of chores. We alternate who cooks each night, we alternate who does dishes. I do more of the vacuuming and mowing the lawn, he does the maintenance on the house and cleans the kitchen more often. He pays a higher percentage of the bills because he outearns me by almost 3x. We each handle the maintenance on our respective vehicles. We each do our own laundry. He works more hours per week than I do, and has a longer commute, but he still is willing to pitch in and do a fair share around the house. If we’re tired we may buy take-out instead of cook, stuff like that, but we still alternate.

Your arrangement does sound lopsided, I think it would be fair to sit down with your hubby and discuss a more fair arrangement.
 
Hi sunshine, husband and wife work as a team to accomplish a successful life together. This includes home, finance, transportation, leisure, faith, everything. Your husband, being from a different culture, may have a hard time adjusting to a new culture where he is expected to pull more weight if you, his spouse, wants a career.

You haven’t mentioned how he is helping you with your stress. It’s tough to get through the first several years of a marriage without help. You definitely need to work through these responsibilities that your husband has to you before you seek an annulment. Also, it sounds like you should seek help with a psychiatrist or psychologist who can walk you through some options for getting healthy again. As some have said, it doesn’t have to involve drugs.

Stress will exacerbate any pre-existing conditions whether physical or mental. At least talk to your hubby or, like you said, stay at your parents so you can rest a while. You’ve tried handling this yourself, as you should, but now, I think it’s time for some help. BTW, I’m sure your darling husband is a nice guy, but, it sounds like he may need some help of his own to realize he’s not married to his mother.
 
I have read all your posts and you seem to doubt the validity of your marriage given some mental health problems. I would see a priest immediately if you are serious about wanting an annulment based on issues like this and bounce this thought off of him. I would do this immediately before children are brought into an overwhelming situation for you.

If you have mental health issue that can be an impediment to marriage and a priest could advise you best.

I am very sorry you are struggling so but I am confident a priest could advice you regarding potential annulment issues. My friend had the same diagnosis you did and a priest helped her tremendously.

God Bless
Mary.

:console:
 
I haven’t read any post completely, but I just wanna say that it might be a good idea if your husband and you read a book together on the topic. It’s called To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

And you two might benefit from the test 5lovelanguages.com.
 
Casseroles are a great way to make a decent amount of food for two people and have leftovers for the next night and/or lunch the next day.

Hope you are able to talk to a priest and/or a therapist about your anxiety. You will be in my prayers.
 
Thank you so so much everyone for all your help and time reading all this…have no idea how much it helps to be able to talk to someone, especially those that share our faith… you guys are angels…

I just talked to my mom and I think I feel better. I’m not sure exactly what the Catholic Church is on this but instead of an annulment if my husband is OK with it… I’m thinking of talking to a doctor and a priest about getting a full hysterectomy. I am terrified because of my mental and physical health i won’t be a good mother some day… on top of everything I’ve already talked about I get severe pain during my period where I am immobile sometimes even laying on the bathroom floor hours unable to get up
… I’m pretty sure it’s endometriosis. I know it sounds like an excuse but I know I would feel a million times better if I knew I’ll never be a mom. I love him so much and don’t want to leave him… I love children so much but I don’t think I’ll ever have the right stamina mentally and physically to be a proper mom… I hate to talk to my husband about it tonight… I hate to make him feel like he has to decide between never having children or me seeking an annulment. But I guess this is progress from me deciding just to get an annulment… maybe he would be OK with it? I know a lovely married childless couple that are very happy and been married for years… maybe we can become like Santa and Mrs Claus someday and give as much as we can to a whole bunch of children in need and out relatives. I love him so much and I would rather have a hysterectomy than get an annulment…But I don’t want to hold him back and steal his chance of children someday… :’( I also don’t want to cause us to be greatly sinning… Is it a sin for a wife to get a hysterectomy when she feels her health is not well enough to be a mother?
 
To answer the title of the thread-no

But this is obviously way deeper than the housework. Like the other posters said, you definitely need professional help. Get an objective opinion. Do you want to leave him because you’re not good enough for him? Or do you want to leave him because he’s not good enough for you? Or any other reason? These questions definitely need to be thought through carefully

Being single doesn’t automatically make you healthy, something about your marriage is making you unhealthy. Is it just the housework issue? Please do consider professional help. We care about you, and we will pray for you
 
PS I fully read and greatly appreciate everyone’s responses I have a migraine now haha so it’s hard to reply to everything but I am so grateful and will think of all you suggest… thank you so much everyone… you all probably think I’m so crazy haha… I guess I am;) imjust trying to figure out how to get better and not worse and be good for my family…
 
I’m sorry that you’re having a hard time in your marriage. I’m of the opinion that the best relationships are the organic ones, where the parties spontaneously step up to help each other without needing to have rigid borders on whose domain is what. That’s the kind of husband I want to be someday. It seems he has a more conservative angle and this is causing you a lot of stress. He is more than likely inheriting his thinking from his own childhood. I’d rather not accuse somebody that I don’t know, but it might also be immaturity: he’s a guy so he washes the car but he won’t go near the kitchen sink because that makes him feel awkward. I wouldn’t want to be with somebody that acts like that either, but none of us are perfect.

Keep working on him: even if it seems like you’re talking to a brick wall, you might be getting through. I think sugar is more effective than vinegar. Pray to St Joseph on behalf of your husband, and for yourself. We all need Heaven’s help so badly.
 
I agree that you should speak to a professional to sort things out. You should not have this chaos floating around.

It seems that you are overwhelmed, but life/work situations change. I would think about what it would be like when your husband does have insurance and you can leave your full time job status, as this is a solution for the future. Working full time and manging a hone is,stressful …Working 60 hours is alot too for you husband. Even if you become single again, there will be housework.

A solution for now is to cut back on something and get help with housework from a cleaning lady. You can adjust the frequency and also the room–ie bathroom and kitchen only.

At any rate, even women that are full time housewives, should explain that thier spouses should not be adding extra stress by leaving minor messes, even if you are in charge of the entire in home care and are not employed outside the home…This is courtesy on the husbands part, and he needs to be asked to do these things, such as not leaving a towel on the floor, and to put dishes in the sink. Homekeeping can be very rewarding when you eliminate your full time job, but your husband needs to treat you with dignity even then.

Whatever your vocation is though, you need to do it for Christ, and offer up your daily difficulties. You can pray with your husband too, so that you both come together as a married couple on these matters and that your marriage is blessed with frequent prayer.
 
One thing you should contemplate, if you haven’t already is this: IF you divorce and annul your marriage and live forever single, you will do everything from the point forward. Including washing the car.
In actuality, what you are proposing will not lessen your workload one bit, in fact it will add to it.
IF the real reason why you are wanting to be not married any longer is because the work load is too great, your actions will not help at all.

However, IF you stay married and you, your husband and the Lord all sit down for a chat (also known as a “come to Jesus meeting”) you will then have a chance to lessen your work load. And that is what you are saying you want, a smaller work load.

My advice is to sit down your husband and have a serious heart to heart conversation. Tell him how the “cow is going to eat the cabbage.” You very well may be happily surprised at the results.

A more passive aggressive approach is to just start eliminating and lessening your workload. When hubby starts to miss his underwear pressed throw him and iron and a board and tell him to put up or shut up. When he wonders why the toilet isn’t sparkling and aromatic tell him he has 3 choices: start cleaning, start relieving himself at the convenience store restroom down the street or get used to it… Options. tell him he has options.

Marriage is war. Prepare for battle. Good luck.
 
sunshine1986 said:
Thank you… I think maybe my concern has turned from handling too much, to not being strong or healthy enough to be a normal wife and mom someday. On top of severe anxiety and depression lately I’ve been having very negative intrusive thoughts, poor memory, and many other health problems such as dizziness and something in my head moves and makes clicking squishing sounds.
Honestly I’m so so scared that I am getting really sick related to genes from either my mom’s bipolor problems or my dad’s side of huntington’s disease. I am terrified I may actually be getting some sort of dementia as well… I don’t feel well… I don’t want to subject my husband to my further illnesses and incapabilities and even more I’m terrified of having children I’m unable to care for…
I’d rather get an annulment now then have my poor husband dragged through my illnesses and treatments. I am not normal and I don’t think I ever really be. We can’t afford for treatment right now and I will not take pills because of all the bad reactions I’ve seen my parents have had and ended up in mental hospitals… I want to leave my husband and be single forever and not mess up anyone’s life… and I wan’t him to be free to be with a good woman who can love him the way he needs to be loved and to someday give him children as he would be a great father.
I do not feel strong, healthy, well, or capable. I don’t think I’m meant to be married anymore. I helped him overcome alcoholism and get a green card so I think I did some good for the three years but I have become very unwell and I just want to be single, have so much less stress, and deal with my health problems by myself without it hurting anyone else… I can’t be a mother and I am deteriorating as a wife…
I think when my husband comes home I will talk to him the best I can and ask to separate for a few days. Then I can stay at my parents and talk to a local priest there and ask what I should do… I feel myself becoming unwell and I do not want to subject my husband or any future children too it… I just want to be single forever and have all this weight lifted off my shoulders… I have such a migraine right now I have had one a hundred times this year I am terrified of getting pregnant and terrified that I’m messing up my husband’s life…
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You really need to see a priest … talk to him about an annulment … and talk to him about just leaving also … I don’t know if it’s a sin to just leave and be on your own … as long as you don’t plan on marrying again or committing adultery, I don’t know if just leaving couldn’t be the beginning of an answer for you (it could also just be a break in the situation that could help both you and your husband start to look at this differently). I know some here are trying to tell you to tough it out … but I have seen the horrible situations that some women have gone through in marriages that needed to be over … you don’t have any children and the mental issue could be a good enough reason for an annulment … talk to a priest … he will at least help guide you as to what your true options are. God Bless you, you are in my prayers.

Also beyond the path of annulment, the priest may well indeed ask you and your husband to come speak to him together … that could be a path to healing for your marriage … one way or the other going to a priest is where I would start. The Church does have priests that help people that are having difficulties.
 
IF you decide to just leave and go live with your parents, it will only make it easier for you to quit or leave in the future. That is not a precedent that you want to start, IMO. Roll up your sleeves, grit your teeth and put in the work at this point. The later rewards will be well worth your efforts.

As far as bringing in a priest or counselor to “referee” this battle, I would personally not do this. Humans will ultimately take sides. A neutral 3rd party in squabbles like this are rarely beneficial. IMO.

What this situation calls for is for you and him to sit down and battle it out. One on one. Maybe, just maybe, this is exactly what he is seeking- a wife who will stand toe to toe with him and fight for her demands and her rights. No one will walk all over you without your permission. If you don’t like how your marriage is, change it. If you simply walk away you are doing a huge disservice to yourself and your husband. Frankly, your husband deserves much better than you leaving and going to your mom and dad’s place.

At least this is how I see it…
 
Minion_w_a_drum said:
IF you decide to just leave and go live with your parents, it will only make it easier for you to quit or leave in the future. That is not a precedent that you want to start, IMO. Roll up your sleeves, grit your teeth and put in the work at this point. The later rewards will be well worth your efforts.

As far as bringing in a priest or counselor to “referee” this battle, I would personally not do this. Humans will ultimately take sides. A neutral 3rd party in squabbles like this are rarely beneficial. IMO.

What this situation calls for is for you and him to sit down and battle it out. One on one. Maybe, just maybe, this is exactly what he is seeking- a wife who will stand toe to toe with him and fight for her demands and her rights. No one will walk all over you without your permission. If you don’t like how your marriage is, change it. If you simply walk away you are doing a huge disservice to yourself and your husband. **Frankly, your husband deserves much better than you leaving and going to your mom and dad’s place.
**
At least this is how I see it…
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Exactlly and you are strong and well ? This lady has huge health issues that are a major
factor… as for my first bolded sentence… Have you read the issues here?

I rarely get angry but this man, the husband, :eek:
 
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Rosebud77:
Exactlly and you are strong and well ? This lady has huge health issues that are a major
factor… as for my first bolded sentence… Have you read the issues here?

I rarely get angry but this man, the husband, :eek:

He may not have any idea what’s going on. To him, it may very well look like his wife is more stressed out than usual, but because she’s taking on things he doesn’t think are necessary. He may have no idea about her thought processes or mental health. For a mentally healthy person who’s not familiar with mental illness, he may think the solution is simple because for him it would be. There may also be cultural issues at play that confuse the dynamic more (the OP mentioned immigration.) I also get the sense that she may be hiding this from him. I think he would be shocked to learn she’s considering leaving.

On a practical note, if the OP doesn’t mind salty language, there’s a really great housekeeping blog that caters to the overwhelmed and mentally ill. You can find it by searching “your habitat.” It helped me a lot when I had postpartum depression and was prone to feeling overwhelmed.
 
pensmama87 said:
He may not have any idea what’s going on. To him, it may very well look like his wife is more stressed out than usual, but because she’s taking on things he doesn’t think are necessary. He may have no idea about her thought processes or mental health. For a mentally healthy person who’s not familiar with mental illness, he may think the solution is simple because for him it would be. There may also be cultural issues at play that confuse the dynamic more (the OP mentioned immigration.) I also get the sense that she may be hiding this from him. I think he would be shocked to learn she’s considering leaving.

On a practical note, if the OP doesn’t mind salty language, there’s a really great housekeeping blog that caters to the overwhelmed and mentally ill. You can find it by searching “your habitat.” It helped me a lot when I had postpartum depression and was prone to feeling overwhelmed.
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There is also many christian blogs that are dedicated to homekeeping as a joyful vocation, and explains how to balance, and how to impart peace in the home.🤷

I would think the op would benefit from a positive outlook on the role of husbands and wives and the home.
 
Katherine438 said:
You really need to see a priest … talk to him about an annulment … and talk to him about just leaving also … I don’t know if it’s a sin to just leave and be on your own … as long as you don’t plan on marrying again or committing adultery, I don’t know if just leaving couldn’t be the beginning of an answer for you (it could also just be a break in the situation that could help both you and your husband start to look at this differently). I know some here are trying to tell you to tough it out … but I have seen the horrible situations that some women have gone through in marriages that needed to be over … you don’t have any children and the mental issue could be a good enough reason for an annulment … talk to a priest … he will at least help guide you as to what your true options are. God Bless you, you are in my prayers.

Also beyond the path of annulment, the priest may well indeed ask you and your husband to come speak to him together … that could be a path to healing for your marriage … one way or the other going to a priest is where I would start. The Church does have priests that help people that are having difficulties.
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Yes, definitely this course of action. See a priest. Focusing on household chores and addressing that issue alone is ignoring mental illness and a thought one cannot be open to children due to such.
 
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