Are you betraying a spouse if you talk about your aguments with trusted people?

  • Thread starter Thread starter Serap
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
S

Serap

Guest
Let’s say you have a big argument or something your spouse does really bothers you. So you call your mom, friend, etc. and complain about your spouse.

Are you betraying the marriage bond? Are you betraying your spouse?

Should you keep conflicts to yourself to keep the marriage sacred?
 
Yes. You are also damaging your spouse’s relationship with your family. You are also gossiping and damaging their reputation by sharing it with your friends, who will share it with your other friends, and then it spreads… Same with family. It will spread through the family and the argument that may be over for you, everyone will remember at the next BBQ.
 
Serap said:
Let’s say you have a big argument or something your spouse does really bothers you. So you call your mom, friend, etc. and complain about your spouse.

Are you betraying the marriage bond? Are you betraying your spouse?

Should you keep conflicts to yourself to keep the marriage sacred?
Click to expand...
I saw Jim and Joy Pinto on Women of Grace, and Joy brought up if a child comes to them to complain about a spouse she said they tell them not to do that because they will end up making up with their spouse, and then the parents are left with knowing what happened. This is not an exact quote.

I agree with this because if my husband goes to his mom and says I did x,y, and z that can cause her to get upset with me. I think it is best to keep it between you and your husband. You could always take it to prayer or the blessed sacrament. You can also talk to your priest if needed. I know it is hard because as humans we want to go and discuss it, but I do think it is best if we don’t. This is not to say that I have not been guilty of complaining about my spouse. I am just saying that I do think it best if we do not do this. I guess you can look at it from the other perspective. What if he was going to his mom or friends complaining about you? I would think it would hurt your feelings which would be understandable.

Kerri 🙂
 
I’m leaning towards yes…it is a betrayal. I think it’s OK to air some stuff out on CAF though, so what do I know?
 
It depends on the argument. If this is a situation where the two of you are merely annoyed at each other, yes, that needs to be worked out on the home turf, between the two of you, without dragging in outside people. If, however, it is a situation where your spouse has become abusive, it is time to seek out marriage counseling, and let a trusted person know what is going on. One trusted person, not your entire coterie of friends and acquaintances.
 
I feel like talking to your mother, or any mutual friend, is definitely a betrayal… One that I have absolutely been guilty of.
 
In my marriage I have never discussed any serious issues with anyone, sometimes I have felt that it would be good to have someone to talk things over with and perhaps get some advice but I never have done so. I have friends who complain about everything and air all of their dirty laundry. When I have watched the damage this does I have known I am right to keep our business private. Sometimes really serious issues erupt and divorce seems close, the details get out and then the couple reconcile but everyone knows and they hold grudges. Better to seek advice from a counselor or other independent source.
 
Depends, I don’t think there is anything wrong with seeking out a trusted friend for advice on how to handle it and that isn’t gossip. It’s similar to talking to a marriage counselor. Sometimes a sounding board can help people see things more clearly and sometimes venting is needed so you don’t say something you will regret later. I wouldn’t go to my parents though, for the reasons already mentioned. Now if all you are doing is mindless complaining then that is another story.
 
odile53 said:
It depends on the argument. If this is a situation where the two of you are merely annoyed at each other, yes, that needs to be worked out on the home turf, between the two of you, without dragging in outside people. If, however, it is a situation where your spouse has become abusive, it is time to seek out marriage counseling, and let a trusted person know what is going on. One trusted person, not your entire coterie of friends and acquaintances.
Click to expand...
👍👍
 
You should only discuss your marital problems with your pastor or a professional counselor, never with your family or friends.
 
Serap said:
Let’s say you have a big argument or something your spouse does really bothers you. So you call your mom, friend, etc. and complain about your spouse.

Are you betraying the marriage bond? Are you betraying your spouse?

Should you keep conflicts to yourself to keep the marriage sacred?
Click to expand...
Hello!!

I have only been married for 12 years. Do NOT tell your family or his!! I think its okay to complain to another married friend. Me and my two best friends do it all the time!! If they are true friends they will be fair. We have a special kind of friendship. I adore their husbands. We don’t let it effect how we treat each others spouse. I think you need to evaluate the friends you are telling. If they are getting too involved you need to stop.

On the other hand you can pay $110 and hour to a licensed therapist and then you won’t have to worry.

I REITERATE, THIS SHOULD BE ON THE MARRIAGE LICENSE, NEVER GET FAMILY INVOLVED UNLESS YOU ARE IN PHYSICAL DANGER!!

p.s. You may forgive but they don’t. Usually when you complain, you forget to talk about the good stuff too.

P.P.S. It might also depend on your husband. My husband knows thats how women are and he could careless. On that note, he knows I would not talk about very private things. Talking about nose hair clipping in the sink is okay !! lol

Lovingly,
Jill
 
JillianRose said:
Hello!!

I have only been married for 12 years. Do NOT tell your family or his!! I think its okay to complain to another married friend. Me and my two best friends do it all the time!! If they are true friends they will be fair. We have a special kind of friendship. I adore their husbands. We don’t let it effect how we treat each others spouse. I think you need to evaluate the friends you are telling. If they are getting too involved you need to stop.

On the other hand you can pay $110 and hour to a licensed therapist and then you won’t have to worry.

I REITERATE, THIS SHOULD BE ON THE MARRIAGE LICENSE, NEVER GET FAMILY INVOLVED UNLESS YOU ARE IN PHYSICAL DANGER!!

p.s. You may forgive but they don’t. Usually when you complain, you forget to talk about the good stuff too.

P.P.S. It might also depend on your husband. My husband knows thats how women are and he could careless. On that note, he knows I would not talk about very private things. Talking about nose hair clipping in the sink is okay !! lol

Lovingly,
Jill
Click to expand...
👍

Especially to the bolded. I think that if you have a friend whom you can trust to not think less of your spouse even when you talk about such disagreements, then it might be ok, for your own sanity, to talk it over with them. You know, like another married friend who can comiserate with you and who also understands the importance of recognizing that these complaints are not at all the whole picture and that ultimately you are still wildly in love with your spouse, and for whom you can provide the same kind of outlet. If you have someone with whom you truly have this kind of undertanding then I think it ca be ok, but especially never,ever, complain to your own family about your spouse. As per the bolded above, you will forgive your spouse, but your family will not. If you truly have no one else and absolutely have to talk with someone talk with someone in your spouses family because they will be much more likely to forgive your spouse and forgetand let it go.
 
I would say you should not talk to your family about issues that arise between you and your spouse but I feel that there might be times it is okay to talk to a trusted friend.

I know in an early dating relationship I thought it was rude to talk about the issues I was having but I was becoming concerned about the direction several problems were headed. When I spoke to a trusted friend they were able to point out that I was in an abusive situation and the problems would esclate if I didn’t seek more help and get away from my abuser. If I had not spoken to someone when I did, things might have gotten a lot worse before I sought help.

However, I don’t think minor issues need to be aired.

I would also look at what other things you have told a friend before bringing an issue up, if you decide to trust them. If this is a friend you normally tell all your positive happy stories to then it might be okay to discuss problems with them. Especially if you keep the problems focused on yourself and not your spouse. Example “Me and my spouse had an argument the other night. We were discussing issue and I strongly felt that ‘x’ and ‘y’ were the appropriate answers but my spouse disagreed. I wonder if I was wrong about the issue or if my behavoir in discussing was not appropriate for reaching an agreement? Do you think I should talk about this issue again or do you think this issue is pretty minor and I shouldn’t put much argument into it?” Or similiar type discussion. However, I’d try to work things out with my spouse as much as possible before resorting to talking to one of my friends.

I do know I discuss issues I have with my parents with my DH. And I also talk about arguments I have with friends with my DH. I wonder if perhaps that is not okay? Should I always seek to resolve issues with the party involved and never include outside observers in the discussion? Or is it okay to talk about these problems with a spouse?
 
I would not call it a “betrayal” … but it is a really really really bad idea.

[We are tending to use extreme language on so many levels … so, not a betrayal … but a lack of good judgement, certainly.]

[And nobody is THAT “trusted”.]

And you have to learn how to make it work … because those “trusted people” are not always going to be there.
 
I never discuss the few serious conflicts with those who know us. Most of the time we’ve managed to work it out without contacting others. The times where others were involved the others participation was in the form of my looking us similar problems on these CAF forums or studies about consequences for the issue which we disagreed about. Now silly things, yes i have discussed in front of others including my husband and he has poked me back with my flaws. I have also found that even talking in generalities about disagreements and how you handle them as a couple sheds light on your situation more than you realize. A few months ago we had this discussion with my in-laws (they couldn’t believe that my husband and I agree as much as we do and know each other enough to know how to soften the other during our “temper tantrums”). However, for my in-laws I found out a lot about their communication (or lack thereof) and frequency of disagreements without knowing any detail. Needless to say, my husband and I realize that when they frequently question how our relationship works (they usually just question my husband but sometimes they also ask me, but I’m usually honest in my responses and don’t give them any “juice” to talk about) they really are trying to figure out how their marriages compare and what they may be doing wrong. By the way, when my husband gets super cranky and critical I just say to him “Okay George” as in George Bailey in the later half of “It’s a Wonderful Life”. Gets him to soften pretty fast. 👍
 
Personally, I don’t discuss these things with others. For one, I’m prone to say too much–so when it comes to private matters I keep my mouth shut tight as a clam. For two, there’s no one in my life who could play the role of counselor, anyway. This goes for everyone in my family. We’re (in)famously close-mouthed, even with each other.

However, if *someone else talks to me *about issues with a spouse, I don’t view it as betrayal. People tend to regard me as someone they can talk to. For example, it wasn’t betrayal when a coworker told me how frustrated she is with her husband because he started major home renovations months ago and hasn’t made progress on them. 🤷
 
I would say you should not talk to your family about issues that arise between you and your spouse but I feel that there might be times it is okay to talk to a trusted friend.
Click to expand...
👍

I agree, husbands, wives, lovers make up … family doesn’t forget.
 
PaulfromIowa said:
You should only discuss your marital problems with your pastor or a professional counselor, never with your family or friends.
Click to expand...
This. Your friend isn’t going to be unbiased. Sorry, two men can keep a secret if one of them is dead and things you’ve said can never be taken back and may have unintende consequences down the road.

Just my .02, but if the problems are bad enough to be affecting your marriage get your pastor or counselor to get a truly neutral and unemotional view.
 
I think it really depends. If your husband has ED and you are frustrated, no, don’t call your sister and share that. Don’t share anything that would humiliate the spouse. But I think it’s perfectly fine to call a trusted girlfriend or sister and say, “Ron and I are really struggling with private vs. public school, we just can’t seem to agree…” Or “Tim wants to get a new washing machine with our tax rebate, but I want to go on a weekend trip…We’ve been back and forth for weeks…” That kind of thing where it’s simply a disagreement and not a slam on the other spouse, I think it can be helpful to talk it through with a good friend! Half the time my girlfriends tell me to suck it up anyway 🙂 I would never call a friend just to bad mouth my husband or share intimate information about him.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top