Are you betraying a spouse if you talk about your aguments with trusted people?

[mayxanh]

I think, you should ask yourself this question:

Is your spouse betraying YOU if he/she talks about his/her aguments with trusted people?

then you definitely get the right answer!

 

[RedSparklyShoes]

If you call someone to COMPLAIN, then yes, you are betraying your spouse. If you are calling to ask advice for the situation, give as little detail as necessary for the other person to help you.

 

[Mumbles140]

If you call someone to COMPLAIN, then yes, you are betraying your spouse. If you are calling to ask advice for the situation, give as little detail as necessary for the other person to help you.

Agreed. Several weeks back, my wife and I had a bit of a tiff. No details to share here, but she told me after the fact that she had called her friend for advice, and her friend (Maid of Honor at our wedding) was able to explain my emotions without all the other distractions/tones that clouded them while we fought.

However, I’ve never known her to call friends to ‘vent’, nor have I done that, either.

 

[Litcrit]

I guess what I’d have problems with is the idea that my husband could have someone he trusted more than he trusts me. He doesn’t. And neither do I. He’s the person I trust the most in this world and I might talk to him about my interactions with relatives, friends, co-workers, and he might talk to me about his, but I suppose we find it’s enough to talk to each other about our mutual interactions if we don’t instantaneously see eye to eye on something.

 

[JackieMom]

Agreed. Several weeks back, my wife and I had a bit of a tiff. No details to share here, but she told me after the fact that she had called her friend for advice, and her friend (Maid of Honor at our wedding) was able to explain my emotions without all the other distractions/tones that clouded them while we fought.

However, I’ve never known her to call friends to ‘vent’, nor have I done that, either.

Exactly.

If you can’t tell your spouse that you discussed the problem with someone else, it’s probably a bad idea to do so. If your spouse wouldn’t mind that you shared, go for it.

 

[28562]

Lighthearted, silly, petty stuff–no big deal. Serious stuff or things I am actually mad about need to be kept between the two of us because I don’t want anyone to have a negative opinion of my wife. That is no way to honor and cherish her…

 

[Contra_Mundum_1]

I don’t think this is a good idea. Arguments happen and should be treated as something that the couple has to address without outside help, even if the ‘help’ is just your friends and family listening to you. If something serious happens I think it is a different thing, I would certainly ask for help.But I wouldn’t discuss minor arguments with other people.

 

[Anglewannabe]

Exactly.

If you can’t tell your spouse that you discussed the problem with someone else, it’s probably a bad idea to do so. If your spouse wouldn’t mind that you shared, go for it.

I think this is the best answer. Being able to tell your spouse about it (and they don’t fly off the handle) is a good .

However, I had a boyfriend say to me ‘all my friends think you are unreasonable’. Needless to say he is an ex

 

[Ms_Manners]

Sometimes I discuss some general non-husband related things with my friends and they really don’t take my side if they think I’m being overly sensitive or just plain wrong. That makes me appreciate them more as friends, I don’t need them to blindly approve of everything I do, sometimes I need a different perspective.
If I came to them with something concerning my DH, I am sure they would be more careful with the wording, but still find a way to tell me I may be wrong.

But I think some loyalty is still in order in any relationship, and especially in this one.

I have a friend who complained about her partner a lot, then wondered why people started to dislike him and think the relationship might not be the best idea.
I asked her to list all the bad things she knew about my husband. The worst she could think of was that he was a bit of a picky eater sometimes or that he we had some minor disagreements on decorating our new place (we were planning the wedding and moving in on our own). She got the point.

I married him because I love him, but also because I think he is a good and smart man, and I do respect him and think highly of him. Why would I want to make others think less of him than that?

 

[ephesians4]

Firstly, as has been mentioned it is easy to wreck relationships between your marriage and your family, or your marriage and your friends by telling people things they will not forget.

Personally, I do not discuss my relationship with my other half with any third party - I do not want a third person involved.

I feel the limits are fairly intuitive for me. Family will hear compliments or at the worst harmless humour from us. No external person of the opposite sex will ever hear anything but complimentary things about my other half or I will hold my tongue (forsaking all others, right?). Saying I am in the doghouse or being driven nuts by my other half’s ill temper today might be OK to my best friend (who is of the same sex as me) once in a while, but I don’t do it.

As such it is pretty easy to conclude that bad-mouthing someone you’ve married to a third party is a kind of emotional betrayal, or at least puts a moral wedge between what should be the tightest human team possible - and it should only be resorted to under the gravest of circumstances.

I guess that these things vary according to your situation. I don’t want to oversimplify or judge - for me it would be a yes.

 

[Serap]

Exactly.

If you can’t tell your spouse that you discussed the problem with someone else, it’s probably a bad idea to do so. If your spouse wouldn’t mind that you shared, go for it.

Very good point. This should be someone’s guide for their moral compass when it comes to discussing the marriage with others.

If a spouse feels that they may be in an abusive marriage (so long as they are not in danger), maybe they should seek a professional 3rd party for help, like a pastor or counselor. I think this is also important b/c many spouses stay in an abusive marriage for many years and go through cycles of defending their spouse and opening up about the abuse.

What do you guys think in that situation?

 

[Serap]

You should only discuss your marital problems with your pastor or a professional counselor, never with your family or friends.

Yes, I agree with this too.

 

[Serap]

What about spouses who complain about their husband/wife on CAF? Do you think this is also a form of betrayal if their intention is to have it anonymous?

I’ve always wondered this when people discuss their intimate marriage details on CAF. Often, the poster paints their spouse in a very negative light asking for advice.

Is this still betrayal? I’ve always struggled with this one.

 

[PatriceA]

What about spouses who complain about their husband/wife on CAF? Do you think this is also a form of betrayal if their intention is to have it anonymous?

I’ve always wondered this when people discuss their intimate marriage details on CAF. Often, the poster paints their spouse in a very negative light asking for advice.

Is this still betrayal? I’ve always struggled with this one.

There is nothing anonymous on the internet, NOTHING.

And yes its still betrayal, even when one thinks its “ok” because its the internet and they think nobody in their real life will find out. Its still talking about your spouse behind their back. Once you put those words out there, it doesn’t matter whom is receiving them, its still bringing a third party into your marriage relationship.

Being in an abusive relationship though its not the same as someone just griping about their spouse because they had a fight, most people that want to talk about a fight with their spouse is looking for justification and are planning on “making up” with their spouse at some point. If someone in an abusive relationship is opening up to someone about their marriage, they’ve reached a point that they finally realize they need help and don’t know what else to do. Its a serious matter, where one’s safety/health is at stake. They’re not looking to gripe and make up with their spouse. They absolutely need someone to listen and give them support.

 

[Serap]

There is nothing anonymous on the internet, NOTHING.

And yes its still betrayal, even when one thinks its “ok” because its the internet and they think nobody in their real life will find out. Its still talking about your spouse behind their back. Once you put those words out there, it doesn’t matter whom is receiving them, its still bringing a third party into your marriage relationship.

Being in an abusive relationship though its not the same as someone just griping about their spouse because they had a fight, most people that want to talk about a fight with their spouse is looking for justification and are planning on “making up” with their spouse at some point. If someone in an abusive relationship is opening up to someone about their marriage, they’ve reached a point that they finally realize they need help and don’t know what else to do. Its a serious matter, where one’s safety/health is at stake. They’re not looking to gripe and make up with their spouse. They absolutely need someone to listen and give them support.

I agree if the abuse is an extreme case like physical violence. But, if it consists of back and forth “name calling”, or throwing things and slamming doors, then counseling would be better suited for learning better anger management. It would probably still not be a good idea to tell mom or friends that their spouse called them a “++++ch” or threw something, etc. Mom would never forget that her daughter was called those names as the couple learns to better deal with their anger issues. It can take years for a couple to learn to treat eachother with more respect and less anger. Including family and friends would probably just turn people against your spouse.

 

[28562]

What about spouses who complain about their husband/wife on CAF? Do you think this is also a form of betrayal if their intention is to have it anonymous?

I’ve always wondered this when people discuss their intimate marriage details on CAF. Often, the poster paints their spouse in a very negative light asking for advice.

Is this still betrayal? I’ve always struggled with this one.

I don’t see this as wrong. You still shouldn’t talk very negatively about your spouse, but if you aren’t able to ask for help here, then what is the purpose of this website? Some things are much, much easier to ask for help when you aren’t face to face with someone that you have to see again and again in your life. It’s anonymous enough that it is safe to ask for advice.

 

[Serap]

I don’t see this as wrong. You still shouldn’t talk very negatively about your spouse, but if you aren’t able to ask for help here, then what is the purpose of this website? Some things are much, much easier to ask for help when you aren’t face to face with someone that you have to see again and again in your life. It’s anonymous enough that it is safe to ask for advice.

I’ve always wondered how anonymous we really are here.

What I’ve done lately is I’ve googled an issue that I have to see what has been written about it on other chat boards. I then view the chats to get a better insight. I struggle with going to my mom everytime I have an argument with my husband. My mom is very helpful, but I don’t know for sure that she is not telling my siblings about my personal life.

It is for this reason that I am drawing the conclusion that I need to stop using my mom as an emotional crutch and I need to stand up on my own two feet. My marriage should be more sacred and valued than to run to mom everytime there’s a fight.

Everytime I complain to my mother, I regret it two days later when my husband and I have made up.

 

[ephesians4]

What about spouses who complain about their husband/wife on CAF? Do you think this is also a form of betrayal if their intention is to have it anonymous?

I’ve always wondered this when people discuss their intimate marriage details on CAF. Often, the poster paints their spouse in a very negative light asking for advice.

Is this still betrayal? I’ve always struggled with this one.

I don’t want to come down hard on other people, because their marriage is their ow, but I could never bring myself to do that.

When I think of my lovely other half going about her life while random strangers are being told private things about her without her knowing… shudder

 

[PatriceA]

I’ve always wondered how anonymous we really are here.

What I’ve done lately is I’ve googled an issue that I have to see what has been written about it on other chat boards. I then view the chats to get a better insight. I struggle with going to my mom everytime I have an argument with my husband. My mom is very helpful, but I don’t know for sure that she is not telling my siblings about my personal life.

It is for this reason that I am drawing the conclusion that I need to stop using my mom as an emotional crutch and I need to stand up on my own two feet. My marriage should be more sacred and valued than to run to mom everytime there’s a fight.

Everytime I complain to my mother, I regret it two days later when my husband and I have made up.

LIke I said, not very anonymous. My husband did a “search” on me, and a bunch of my old posts here on CAF came up as results. All he needed was one or two details about me and poof, there they were.

 

[Serap]

LIke I said, not very anonymous. My husband did a “search” on me, and a bunch of my old posts here on CAF came up as results. All he needed was one or two details about me and poof, there they were.

wow…how scary to think that!

I once complained about my husband on-line when we were going through a rough time and the backlash made me realize what a mistake it was. When you are mad at your spouse, you will exaggerate your position and make them look bad.

Everything you put out there will bite you in the butt. I’m learning this more and more.

I don’t think people really want to know your intimate details. They seem interested at the time, but people lose respect for others that open up too much and come across as a weak person or a back stabbing drama queen. I’m learning this.