Are you betraying a spouse if you talk about your aguments with trusted people?

[Mary_Gail_36]

LIke I said, not very anonymous. My husband did a “search” on me, and a bunch of my old posts here on CAF came up as results. All he needed was one or two details about me and poof, there they were.

Does he know your user name?

 

[90Domer]

Let’s say you have a big argument or something your spouse does really bothers you. So you call your mom, friend, etc. and complain about your spouse.

Are you betraying the marriage bond? Are you betraying your spouse?

Should you keep conflicts to yourself to keep the marriage sacred?

I would say it’s best to vent to a neutral party (a priest, a counselor) when having marital arguments. I say to from two perspectives:

My sister–10 yrs older–always aired dirty laundry about my BIL to my parents. It brought the whole family down to the point that we had horrible preconceived notions of my BIL when, in fact, it was my sister spinning the story.

In my own marriage, I have seen tongues wag about all sorts of “juicy family gossip” despite people claiming to keep things confidential. The only way to prevent the potential for ugly gossip is to keep the issues private. I have seen too many “trusted” people wanting to blackmail me with information I shared in confidence.

 

[VeritasLuxMea]

If it’s too intimate, then I would say you are violating your spouse’s trust.

Otherwise, I don’t have a problem doing it myself nor do I have a problem with my wife doing it.

An example, off the top of my head: in the few months before our wedding, my wife started freaking out about every little detail. I understood that and did my best to help her, but I also needed to turn to my best man to let off a little steam in a respectful manner, have a few beers and just vent… and he talked me through some ways that he managed to keep his wife (and himself) calm in the days leading up to his wedding. I don’t find that problematic.

If you can’t go to close friends for counsel and support, then I don’t know what close friends are for.

 

[TheWarriorMonk]

It depends. There are certain very close family members that both my wife and I can speak to in complete confidence, and do on certain occasions. Neither one of us considers it a betrayal of trust by speaking to these parties. These parties also speak to us on occasions about certain private matters.

 

[Serap]

I have seen too many “trusted” people wanting to blackmail me with information I shared in confidence.

I have experienced this too with people and it still surprises me to this day.

 

[PatriceA]

If it’s too intimate, then I would say you are violating your spouse’s trust.

Otherwise, I don’t have a problem doing it myself nor do I have a problem with my wife doing it.

An example, off the top of my head: in the few months before our wedding, my wife started freaking out about every little detail. I understood that and did my best to help her, but I also needed to turn to my best man to let off a little steam in a respectful manner, have a few beers and just vent… and he talked me through some ways that he managed to keep his wife (and himself) calm in the days leading up to his wedding. I don’t find that problematic.

If you can’t go to close friends for counsel and support, then I don’t know what close friends are for.

But that’s sharing common experiences, you didn’t have an argument or a blow up over the wedding. I’m going to bet you didn’t paint your wife in a negative light, but vented about the situation and not the person. Similar to talking to my friends about their experiences with their inlaws since we have problems with my husband’s family, but I’m not going to go to them with specifics about a fight we had or talk negatively about my husband because we’re having a difficult conversation about his mother. I’m not going to disclose any negative details about the conversations I have with my husband. I’ve been around enough women that think nothing of trash talking their husbands because they think it creates a common bond amongst the group.

 

[hannajomar]

I want to add that not all marriage problems will be solved between the couple. It can be helpful to talk things over with someone who is not directly involved. This must be approached delicately, however.

For me, I have discussed some things with a dear Catholic female friend. I don’t talk to her to get her on my side. I try to see my wrong actions and include them in what I tell her as well. I try to see my husband’s good actions and intentions. I trust that she will call me out if I’m wrong. She doesn’t become emotionally involved, but sometimes gives me options that I might not have thought of on my own. I was friends with her before I knew my husband, and we have often confided in each other, knowing that we always respect each other’s privacy and boundaries.

I suppose betrayal would come into play if we are doing this behind our spouse’s back. I don’t tell my husband specifically what we speak about, but he knows we discuss our marriages to each other. I personally would not feel hurt if he spoke with his friends about our marriage. I trust that he would speak about me respectfully, even if he is telling them of something I’ve done wrong. This is another option for couples.

 

[Serap]

I want to add that not all marriage problems will be solved between the couple. It can be helpful to talk things over with someone who is not directly involved. This must be approached delicately, however.

For me, I have discussed some things with a dear Catholic female friend. I don’t talk to her to get her on my side. I try to see my wrong actions and include them in what I tell her as well. I try to see my husband’s good actions and intentions. I trust that she will call me out if I’m wrong. She doesn’t become emotionally involved, but sometimes gives me options that I might not have thought of on my own. I was friends with her before I knew my husband, and we have often confided in each other, knowing that we always respect each other’s privacy and boundaries.

I suppose betrayal would come into play if we are doing this behind our spouse’s back. I don’t tell my husband specifically what we speak about, but he knows we discuss our marriages to each other. I personally would not feel hurt if he spoke with his friends about our marriage. I trust that he would speak about me respectfully, even if he is telling them of something I’ve done wrong. This is another option for couples.

That is great. When I’m mad, I am not nice. I couldn’t do that in a way that wouldn’t harm my spouse.

 

[hannajomar]

That is great. When I’m mad, I am not nice. I couldn’t do that in a way that wouldn’t harm my spouse.

I should point out that I only speak with this dear friend about these matters when I am calm, not in the heat of the moment.

 

[VirtusTransitus]

My marriage was very difficult for well over 20 years. I never said anything to anyone. She didn’t, either.

Recently, we have come very close to splitting. At the very worst of those times, I moved out, contacted a lawyer, rented an apartment, and began sorting out our finances. At that point, I needed to talk with someone, so I confided in my parents, who were very worried about me. At the time, there was no hope of saving the marriage in my mind.

As it turns out, we decided to give it one more go. Now, I can’t undo the info exchange.

Fortunately, my parents are very balanced, loving people. So the damage is not severe.

If I had it to do over again, I’d have confided in a spiritual advisor only (or a counselor).

It was a mistake to tell my folks what was going on until it was TRULY over. And even then, it would be a mistake to discuss too much - she’s the mother of our kids, afterall.

Live and learn.

 

[Serap]

My marriage was very difficult for well over 20 years. I never said anything to anyone. She didn’t, either.

Recently, we have come very close to splitting. At the very worst of those times, I moved out, contacted a lawyer, rented an apartment, and began sorting out our finances. At that point, I needed to talk with someone, so I confided in my parents, who were very worried about me. At the time, there was no hope of saving the marriage in my mind.

As it turns out, we decided to give it one more go. Now, I can’t undo the info exchange.

Fortunately, my parents are very balanced, loving people. So the damage is not severe.

If I had it to do over again, I’d have confided in a spiritual advisor only (or a counselor).

It was a mistake to tell my folks what was going on until it was TRULY over. And even then, it would be a mistake to discuss too much - she’s the mother of our kids, afterall.

Live and learn.

yes, I have read this many times on the internet about other marriages that got back together.

good luck with your marriage!!!