Are you still "in love" with your spouse?

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I’m spinning off the topic of the importance of “chemistry” in dating, as marriage is a completely different than dating. Now, I realize different people mean different things by “Chemistry” and “In Love”. Some refer to mere infatuation, a “crush”, which I have been told by many CAF posters, inevitably fades in marriage.

I also know that many people use “I Still Love You But I’m Not In Love With You” as an excuse to break up marriages.

However, I’ve certainly seen enough “old married couples” that still have “stars in their eyes”, speak about their spouses really dreamily, even “gush” over then, to think it’s as simple as that. Many such people really do seem to still be “in love” with their spouses, even after many years of marriage. Are they just “immature”? Or are they lucky?
 
They probably work hard every day to focus on how their own behaviours affect the other, and take a long view on small frustrations. I really admire couples who have been happily married for decades. They’re an inspiration!
 
Staying in love with a real person isn’t a matter of luck. I think it is a matter of actively practicing gratitude. “I Still Love You But I’m Not in Love With You” has a bit of a “what’s in this for me” attitude tainting it. If you still love him or her, then do it. “In love” is all about being willing to have a sense of awe about a person, and that is a choice. The work is not in inventing things that are special enough to love, but putting yourself aside for long enough to see what is really there.

After knowing a real person for awhile, though, you do have to love the person who is really there, and not some artificial construct that you made up in your head to please yourself. The made-up person is of course someone you had to make up in order to fill in your areas of ignorance, but eventually the reality will not be denied. You have to want the reality of the person, not the person you wish you married, the one that was made to please you, yourself being the person around whom the universe revolves. (Yes, that attitude is immature…)
 
EasterJoy said:
Staying in love with a real person isn’t a matter of luck. I think it is a matter of actively practicing gratitude. “I Still Love You But I’m Not in Love With You” has a bit of a “what’s in this for me” attitude tainting it. If you still love him or her, then do it. “In love” is all about being willing to have a sense of awe about a person, and that is a choice. The work is not in inventing things that are special enough to love, but putting yourself aside for long enough to see what is really there.

After knowing a real person for awhile, though, you do have to love the person who is really there, and not some artificial construct that you made up in your head to please yourself. The made-up person is of course someone you had to make up in order to fill in your areas of ignorance, but eventually the reality will not be denied. You have to want the reality of the person, not the person you wish you married, the one that was made to please you, yourself being the person around whom the universe revolves. (Yes, that attitude is immature…)
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I don’t know that I’ve ever seen a happily married older couple with a sense of awe about each other.

Respect, yes, affection, yes. Awe–no.

Awe is what disappears with actual familiarity.
 
ToeInTheWater said:
I also know that many people use “I Still Love You But I’m Not In Love With You” as an excuse to break up marriages.
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I feel as though I should know what this means as I’ve heard enough women say it in my time… but I still find it a strange thing to say. Perhaps with the anonymity of the internet, someone could explain what they mean by this in honest terms. I do know ‘in love’ ie. the bells and whistles of the first flush of the relationship, as well as the affection, companionship and basic mutual esteem that long term marriages demonstrate. What is love sans ‘in love’ though. What do people feel about each other in marriage that distinguishes this love from ‘in love’?
 
Xantippe said:
I don’t know that I’ve ever seen a happily married older couple with a sense of awe about each other.

Respect, yes, affection, yes. Awe–no.

Awe is what disappears with actual familiarity.
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I posted my post before I saw this one, xantippe. I’m lucky enough to be in a family of very few divorces and I love witnessing long term love in my parents and siblings marriages. Parents marriage = 54 years. Siblings = 26,24,23 years respectively. They all esteem their spouses in a way that marks their unions something higher than friendship or obligation. I marvel at them endlessly and would call that ‘in love’.
 
When God is at the center of your marriage, neither spouse can walk out without walking out on God. When one spouse is angry at the other, he/she is angry with God as well. Seen in this perspective, a life long marriage is the only true marriage. Anything else is turning away from God. 👍
 
We’ve been married five years so still newish. I will say that we both have much clearer ideas of who the other is now, including flaws, but I think we also respect and esteem the other person more than when we first married or while dating.

Maybe less grand sweeping vision, but more intimacy.
 
However, I’ve certainly seen enough “old married couples” that still have “stars in their eyes”, speak about their spouses really dreamily, even “gush” over then, to think it’s as simple as that. Many such people really do seem to still be “in love” with their spouses, even after many years of marriage. Are they just “immature”? Or are they lucky?
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Yes. The trick is, we were deeply in love to begin with. We value each other. We respect each other. We have a very high regard for each other, and we think each other is really cute. Probably no one else does, but that doesn’t matter to us. It’s about US. Our marriage, our chemistry, our mutual respect. We both love God and put Him squarely in the middle of our marriage. “three to get married”. Start off on the right footing and you are good, even on the worst of days. Many people want to “add God back in” after the fact.
Nope. He has to be there form the start, guiding your choices. All the counseling and the “talks with the priest” aren’t going to help if you didn’t’ start off with that shared love of God. It’s the factor that matters when you have tough times. You both go to a common place. Your knees.
Peace.
 
I’m 25 years married and I love my wife more now than I ever did.

Love is not about what you get for yourself, it is about what you give. Too often, I think, love is portrayed as what you get out of the relationship, almost as if you are entitled to get something that makes you feel good, that makes you feel appreciated. That attitude us based on selfishness and that is not what love is.
 
In Italian there are normally two main ways to say “love”.

Amare

and

Volersi bene.

Amare means love, more or less as it is used in English.

Volersi bene doesn’t really translate very well into English. It means to love, but it literally translates to “Want well for” or “To want good for”.

I think it’s a beautiful way to communicate what love is, “I want good for you.”

I think at times couples love each other in the amare sense, but forget the volersi bene part.

I am lucky that my parents demonstrated both to each other.
 
LongingSoul said:
I feel as though I should know what this means as I’ve heard enough women say it in my time… but I still find it a strange thing to say. Perhaps with the anonymity of the internet, someone could explain what they mean by this in honest terms. I do know ‘in love’ ie. the bells and whistles of the first flush of the relationship, as well as the affection, companionship and basic mutual esteem that long term marriages demonstrate. What is love sans ‘in love’ though. What do people feel about each other in marriage that distinguishes this love from ‘in love’?
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The difference for me in my marriage between loving my husband and being " in love" with him is very distinct ever since I discovered his unrepentant pornography habit several years ago. I definitely used to be “in love” with him (we’re married over 30 years), but now unfortunately I just “love him,” and some days that’s only as much as I try to love my “neighbor” as Jesus taught. It’s sad that many days the feeling has to be like that, but the marriage still survives with the help of Our Dear Lord. It can be very hard to be “in love” with a husband (or even respect him at all) when porn (or possibly other issues in other marriages) continues to be part of his life despite his knowing how much it can hurt a wife. I try to concentrate on all of his good qualities and the better aspects and results of our long-term marriage — and keep praying. Love without “in love” is a much sadder state for a marriage, but it brings with it a much stronger desire to become closer to God, place the marriage in His very competent hands, and rely on His love and care instead to get through any days which can be more difficult than others.
I don’t know if this helps explain the difference that I’ve experienced for you or even if it’s the same type of difference in semantics as relates to any other marriages, LongingSoul, but I hope this helps answer at least part of your question.
 
My husband and I are quickly approaching our 20th anniversary, which we will celebrate even before either of us turns 40. I am still in love with my husband, and in fact, I feel more that way now than I did a decade ago. But supporting our loving feelings toward each other is the work we do each day to help each other and take care of our family as a team, and our joint commitment to serve God. He is still my best friend and I love to spend time just being together, either working or praying or relaxing. I feel so blessed to have my marriage to my husband, and it makes it easier for me to accept the great trials of this life when I have my husband at my side.
 
pianistclare said:
Yes. The trick is, we were deeply in love to begin with. We value each other. We respect each other. We have a very high regard for each other, and we think each other is really cute. Probably no one else does, but that doesn’t matter to us. It’s about US. Our marriage, our chemistry, our mutual respect. We both love God and put Him squarely in the middle of our marriage. “three to get married”. Start off on the right footing and you are good, even on the worst of days. Many people want to “add God back in” after the fact.
Nope. He has to be there form the start, guiding your choices. All the counseling and the “talks with the priest” aren’t going to help if you didn’t’ start off with that shared love of God. It’s the factor that matters when you have tough times. You both go to a common place. Your knees.
Peace.
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Convert couples do “add God back in” after the fact. It can work that way. But in our case, we have experienced a high level of accord, because both of us always preferred to be together than to be right, and when conversion began for one of us, we both embraced it together. I liked reading your story but I just wanted to mention that because there are a lot of couples who find the Faith after marriage and they are not necessarily at a disadvantage.
 
Can’t vote, never be married. I am curious to see where the discussion goes.
 
I voted… “not anymore” 😊( Please don’t tell my wife ).😉

This is a tricky question…I’m married 48 years…I love my wife very much & would never want anyone else, but …“in love” means that giddy feeling & walking on air when she’s around. Well, that ended after a couple years of marriage & I don’t think anyone can honestly say it lasts forever.

P.S. There should have been another choice for just Love.
 
truetofaith said:
I voted… “not anymore” 😊( Please don’t tell my wife ).😉

This is a tricky question…I’m married 48 years…I love my wife very much & would never want anyone else, but …“in love” means that giddy feeling & walking on air when she’s around. Well, that ended after a couple years of marriage & I don’t think anyone can honestly say it lasts forever.

P.S. There should have been another choice for just Love.
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Yeah.

That’s how I feel. I’ve been married to my husband for 17 years and I feel like being a good friend, a trusty ally, a reliable spouse, a loving parent, and lots of fun when the lights go out is way more then enough to expect from a spouse.
 
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