Are you still "in love" with your spouse?

[truetofaith]

These “Polls” are usually flawed…they don’t allow you to make the proper choice.

I’m sure people are confusing being “in love” with “loving” your spouse.

 

[808Catholic]

I’m 25 years married and I love my wife more now than I ever did.

Love is not about what you get for yourself, it is about what you give. Too often, I think, love is portrayed as what you get out of the relationship, almost as if you are entitled to get something that makes you feel good, that makes you feel appreciated. That attitude us based on selfishness and that is not what love is.

 

[808Catholic]

The difference for me in my marriage between loving my husband and being " in love" with him is very distinct ever since I discovered his unrepentant pornography habit several years ago. I definitely used to be “in love” with him (we’re married over 30 years), but now unfortunately I just “love him,” and some days that’s only as much as I try to love my “neighbor” as Jesus taught. It’s sad that many days the feeling has to be like that, but the marriage still survives with the help of Our Dear Lord. It can be very hard to be “in love” with a husband (or even respect him at all) when porn (or possibly other issues in other marriages) continues to be part of his life despite his knowing how much it can hurt a wife. I try to concentrate on all of his good qualities and the better aspects and results of our long-term marriage — and keep praying. Love without “in love” is a much sadder state for a marriage, but it brings with it a much stronger desire to become closer to God, place the marriage in His very competent hands, and rely on His love and care instead to get through any days which can be more difficult than others.
I don’t know if this helps explain the difference that I’ve experienced for you or even if it’s the same type of difference in semantics as relates to any other marriages, LongingSoul, but I hope this helps answer at least part of your question.

I pray for your husband’s porn addiction that the Holy Spirit guide him and give him strength to get rid of the temptations and empty promises of porn. I also pray for you that you remain strong and loving despite the pain this wound causes to your marriage. Marriage isn’t always easy and the cross we bear sometimes have more splinters than we’d like but God doesn’t make mistakes. This cross you carry brings you closer to Christ. Have faith, dear one.

 

[onenow1]

Good times and not so good, love grows and grows forever !

 

[pianistclare]

Convert couples do “add God back in” after the fact. It can work that way. But in our case, we have experienced a high level of accord, because both of us always preferred to be together than to be right, and when conversion began for one of us, we both embraced it together. I liked reading your story but I just wanted to mention that because there are a lot of couples who find the Faith after marriage and they are not necessarily at a disadvantage.

Thank you. I meant coupes who “:add back in” only as a last resort to problems.
Thanks for pointing out that converting couples do this well, as well! LOL Peace!

 

[EasterJoy]

I don’t know that I’ve ever seen a happily married older couple with a sense of awe about each other.

Respect, yes, affection, yes. Awe–no.

Awe is what disappears with actual familiarity.

To fall in love with God is the greatest romance;
to seek him the greatest adventure;
to find him, the greatest human achievement.
–St. Augustine

There is a great deal of joy to be had in seeing that which truly deserves to be seen as awesome around you. I would argue that if you fall in love with God, your sense of awe will increase, not decrease. Your awe of all that God has made will likewise increase. There is no reason that your awe of the person you married has to fade. Rather, if you do your work, it will go from being awe at someone who largely existed in your imagination to the awe of a real living image of God

I don’t know that a romance can last without a deep sense of gratitude, a gratitude that does preserve some awe in it. We tend to get lax about that, so yes, it takes some work to keep familiarity from robbing us of our ability to appreciate those we love as fully as we once did. It is not inevitable that we will lose the capacity to do that, however. Yes, the giddiness does recede–who could live in that kind of glorious anxiety for year after year?–but the felt sense of joy can remain and grow. As for the anxiety–well, good riddance. Part of that was the fear of loss, the fear that “this is so good, it cannot be true.” The peace and serenity of security that comes from experience of faithful love will usually drive that away, and that is an entirely good thing. (If that is what you mean by losing “awe,” then I’d say that it would be a bad thing if you did not lose it!)

 

[DCNBILL]

Desperately, 37 years and counting.

 

[ChelleyD]

15 years and counting and the answer is a resounding YES! I will say though, that the level of “feeling in love” can vary from day to day depending upon what’s going on in our lives at the moment. But the true love is always there underneath just waiting for me to turn around and see DH and have that moment where I can’t do anything other than thank God for him. That’s why feelings aren’t always a reliable measure of your “love quotient”.

 

[bmaj]

I pray for your husband’s porn addiction that the Holy Spirit guide him and give him strength to get rid of the temptations and empty promises of porn. I also pray for you that you remain strong and loving despite the pain this wound causes to your marriage. Marriage isn’t always easy and the cross we bear sometimes have more splinters than we’d like but God doesn’t make mistakes. This cross you carry brings you closer to Christ. Have faith, dear one.

Thanks so much for your prayers and kind words, 808Catholic. You’re absolutely correct: God doesn’t make mistakes, and one day we’ll all know the reasons behind everything. Our Lord’s blessings to you always, and thanks again.

 

[LongingSoul]

The difference for me in my marriage between loving my husband and being " in love" with him is very distinct ever since I discovered his unrepentant pornography habit several years ago. I definitely used to be “in love” with him (we’re married over 30 years), but now unfortunately I just “love him,” and some days that’s only as much as I try to love my “neighbor” as Jesus taught. It’s sad that many days the feeling has to be like that, but the marriage still survives with the help of Our Dear Lord. It can be very hard to be “in love” with a husband (or even respect him at all) when porn (or possibly other issues in other marriages) continues to be part of his life despite his knowing how much it can hurt a wife. I try to concentrate on all of his good qualities and the better aspects and results of our long-term marriage — and keep praying. Love without “in love” is a much sadder state for a marriage, but it brings with it a much stronger desire to become closer to God, place the marriage in His very competent hands, and rely on His love and care instead to get through any days which can be more difficult than others.
I don’t know if this helps explain the difference that I’ve experienced for you or even if it’s the same type of difference in semantics as relates to any other marriages, LongingSoul, but I hope this helps answer at least part of your question.

Thankyou for you answer, bmaj. It’s a comment that has always incited my curiousity when people use it as the reason for separating or worse, but as you describe love as opposed to ‘in love’ I do understand more clearly.

You say that in this state you have ‘a much stronger desire to become closer to God’… to be ‘in love’ with God perhaps as a way of preserving the marriage and your graciousness towards your husband who is hard to respect due to his actions. I think that is a perfect example of love for a spouse in the absence of a mutually joyful unity.

As I said, my family seem to have the art of staying ‘in love’ and in their marriages are all very affectionate and hold their spouses in esteem. I haven’t been lucky enough to find that in my own marriage but yes, I can say that my search for God has been deeply motivated by the grief… so that has to be something worth valuing in the end.

 

[Still_Hoping]

Love and being in love are different. I can love my husband but not be in love.

 

[Allegra]

Yes, but we’ve only been married three years so we’re sort of newlyweds.

 

[Still_Hoping]

I’m spinning off the topic of the importance of “chemistry” in dating, as marriage is a completely different than dating. Now, I realize different people mean different things by “Chemistry” and “In Love”. Some refer to mere infatuation, a “crush”, which I have been told by many CAF posters, inevitably fades in marriage.

I also know that many people use “I Still Love You But I’m Not In Love With You” as an excuse to break up marriages.

However, I’ve certainly seen enough “old married couples” that still have “stars in their eyes”, speak about their spouses really dreamily, even “gush” over then, to think it’s as simple as that. Many such people really do seem to still be “in love” with their spouses, even after many years of marriage. Are they just “immature”? Or are they lucky?

If the marriage was founded on mutual respect and equality in its truest sense then it is possible to be " in love ". However, if there wasn’t a good foundation then the marriage will always be rocky. Only God can help. My parents don’t have a good marriage and I followed suit. However, that can change with our perception. Look to God and all things are in a different light. My parents and I are still married but it is a lot of work. Too much stuff unresolved and won’t be because others are not willing to admit their mistakes so the other partner has to “put up” with it and move on. I cannot fully immerse myself in my love for my husband so long as he remains unrepentant towards his malice to me.

I can choose to love and close my eyes all the time at the hurt he caused or I can forgive and learn to love. I vacillate. Circumstances come up that put me in a negative mood and that is all it takes to become angry and depressed enough to want to leave him.

 

[Still_Hoping]

Yes, but we’ve only been married three years so we’re sort of newlyweds.

No kids I suppose?

 

[808Catholic]

Thanks so much for your prayers and kind words, 808Catholic. You’re absolutely correct: God doesn’t make mistakes, and one day we’ll all know the reasons behind everything. Our Lord’s blessings to you always, and thanks again.

And to you, @bmaj.

 

[pensmama87]

No kids I suppose?

IIRC, Allegra has one, soon to be two children.

(Are parents not allowed to be “in love” still? Interestingly, I felt like we “fell out of love” for a while, but now we’re “back in” again. It requires some work, sure, but I rather like being here.)

 

[jlc2k2]

15 years and counting and the answer is a resounding YES! I will say though, that the level of “feeling in love” can vary from day to day depending upon what’s going on in our lives at the moment. But the true love is always there underneath just waiting for me to turn around and see DH and have that moment where I can’t do anything other than thank God for him. That’s why feelings aren’t always a reliable measure of your “love quotient”.

Only 8 years for us but this ^^^^. We’ve had a lot going on lately so it does wax and wane slightly but at least a few times a week, he’ll give me a look that makes me feel like I did when we were dating.

 

[Still_Hoping]

IIRC, Allegra has one, soon to be two children.

(Are parents not allowed to be “in love” still? Interestingly, I felt like we “fell out of love” for a while, but now we’re “back in” again. It requires some work, sure, but I rather like being here.)

Marriage is work, because of our nature we tend to be fickle and rely on our emotions. I believe that is why the Lord says to love God with all your heart, mind and soul and to put Him above all things even our families. He is LOVE and through HIM we can love as he loves and not as we do. That is why marriages are and rightly should be sacramental; He is a part of that marriage, it’s very soul. He is LIGHT AND LOVE. He brings blessings, hope and peace. We should not love in the romantic sense, although it is nice to have, instead we should love as if our very lives depend on it, as Christ loves the Church. Even though we are sinners and unfaithful our beloved spouse never leaves us. That is marriage; to love that way is the most incredulous thing, the most unselfish and most giving. However it is not always the case in many marriages.

Many of us get immersed in the day to day things and it keeps us from having that intimacy both on a physical and spiritual plane (having kids could do that- it depends how you treat it). We must learn to look up to Heaven and at the cross; both will show us the beauty and extent of God’s love for us and remind us of how we should be. That is what is hard, some of us tend to get self immersed and want to do things for our own desires and not to be always forgiving and selfless. Is this wrong? Not always, we must balance what we desire and what we really need. Nevertheless, we should always be considerate of the other. In other words, look not on the faults of the other but of our own and let us work together to be better people. And yes, we can still be “in love” despite all the obligations in our lives or how many children we have. True love transcends all that negative stuff.

 

[maryjk]

Yes. And he is still in love with me.

It has been 24 years.

 

[truetofaith]

Yes. And he is still in love with me.

It has been 24 years.

So you still hold hands walking down the street & steal a kiss in a store or sit on his lap at a house party?