B
Beautiful
Guest
I donāt doubt you believe thisHow about instead of saying that it **is **different, say that it can be different.
With my husband and me, what you see is what you get.
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T
ToeInTheWater
Guest
OP here. So far, pleasantly surprised that the vast majority of responses are in the affirmative.
For those who have suggested that some married couples who SEEM to still be āin loveā are only playing a part in public ā of course I realize that.
But that is exactly why I asked for actual responses from people about how they feel about their spouses. Of course I guess people could lie and Iād never know, but I posted the poll because Iāve noticed that since polls are anonymous, people are sometimes more honest there than in posts.
(For example, when I posted a poll once about whether youād date someone who had a no-premarital-kissing stance, the poll was fairly evenly split, which was quite different from the posts, which were heavily skewed toward rejecting such a person.)
As for those who think the poll is too simple; those who donāt feel comfortable with the āyesā or ānoā options are free to choose āItās complicatedā and explain why. I guess maybe I should have had āIām no longer āin loveā but I still do love my spouseā as an option?
However, I was interested in this particular question because I see often on CAF (and other religious sites), people claiming āthat In Love feeling inevitably fades, youād better have more supporting your marriage than thatā. Many state that āromantic loveā is just a modern invention, that arranged marriage has a much longer and more successful history, etc. Some have claimed that if people went into marriage with lower expectations, that would be better for society, since they would be less likely to divorce.
Maybe some of this is about semantics, but since I often see people denigrating romantic love, or even denying that it exists at all, but is just an illusion or a cover word for mere lust, on religious sites, I am somewhat surprised by the high numbers of āYes, definitelyā.
ETA: IMHO, some comments Iāve seen on CAF give me the idea that āof course chances youāll wind up in a cold, stale, even miserable marriage, but God never promised weād be rewarded in this life, just grit your teeth and be a martyr, offer it up to Jesus, unless youāre actually abusedā is the Catholic take on marriage. But maybe thatās just some people trying to justify their own choices.
For those who have suggested that some married couples who SEEM to still be āin loveā are only playing a part in public ā of course I realize that.
But that is exactly why I asked for actual responses from people about how they feel about their spouses. Of course I guess people could lie and Iād never know, but I posted the poll because Iāve noticed that since polls are anonymous, people are sometimes more honest there than in posts.
(For example, when I posted a poll once about whether youād date someone who had a no-premarital-kissing stance, the poll was fairly evenly split, which was quite different from the posts, which were heavily skewed toward rejecting such a person.)
As for those who think the poll is too simple; those who donāt feel comfortable with the āyesā or ānoā options are free to choose āItās complicatedā and explain why. I guess maybe I should have had āIām no longer āin loveā but I still do love my spouseā as an option?
However, I was interested in this particular question because I see often on CAF (and other religious sites), people claiming āthat In Love feeling inevitably fades, youād better have more supporting your marriage than thatā. Many state that āromantic loveā is just a modern invention, that arranged marriage has a much longer and more successful history, etc. Some have claimed that if people went into marriage with lower expectations, that would be better for society, since they would be less likely to divorce.
Maybe some of this is about semantics, but since I often see people denigrating romantic love, or even denying that it exists at all, but is just an illusion or a cover word for mere lust, on religious sites, I am somewhat surprised by the high numbers of āYes, definitelyā.
ETA: IMHO, some comments Iāve seen on CAF give me the idea that āof course chances youāll wind up in a cold, stale, even miserable marriage, but God never promised weād be rewarded in this life, just grit your teeth and be a martyr, offer it up to Jesus, unless youāre actually abusedā is the Catholic take on marriage. But maybe thatās just some people trying to justify their own choices.
E
EasterJoy
Guest
Realize that you can go from, āWhat was I thinking, marrying such a jerkā to āIām so lucky to marry someone so understandingā in the same day. If you arenāt ready to persevere when you not only do not feel in love with but do not really like the person you married, you arenāt ready to marry. Youāre marrying a human being, and most of us human beings arenāt that likeable all of the time, nor are we that capable of being grateful for what we have all of the time.
Romance is nice in marriage, but perseverance is required.
Romance is nice in marriage, but perseverance is required.
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ToeInTheWater
Guest
I agree with all of this. What I donāt agree with, or at least, hope is not true, is the idea that both the āromanticsā and āpragmaticsā often seen to accept as a given, that the āin loveā feeling is a completely uncontrollable, irrational force of nature.
I certainly donāt agree with āYou have no control over falling into or out of love, so itās fine to divorce if you fall out of loveā.
But I also donāt agree with āYou have no control over falling into or out of love, so only get married if youāre prepared to grit your teeth and bear it if you fall out of loveā.
Both notions completely discount the importance of ālove as a verbā and the idea that relationships require nurturing and effort to work. Not just passively sitting around doing nothing as the loving feelings randomly come and go.
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Gordon_Sims
Guest
Iām still in love with my wife but Iāll also say that marriages take work. A lot of work. Weāve gone through stretches where it was extremely difficult. At those times we both learned to think back on the times we most loved one another to get through it. And I donāt mean we looked back on the giddy, romantic periods, but on the timesāextremely difficult timesāwhere the only things that got us through were God and our love for one another. Too many people think marriage needs to be eternal bliss, sunshine and rainbows, fireworks and bouquets, etc. The people I know who donāt realize that love is a decision and involves a lot of commitment and hard work are the ones with at least one divorce or no lasting relationships to their credit.
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Brendan_64
Guest
No, there isnāt a difference. I am in love with my wife, I love my wife, it is the same thing, there is no difference. Love is love.
If love is conditional then it is not love. If someoneās prime concern is about how it makes them feel, how they can be fulfilled, how they are treated, then that person is not āin loveā.
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Brendan_64
Guest
Yes indeed. Marriage is not just about moments in time, marriage is a lifetime. It is about accepting thosr difficult times, which could lasy for years at a time, and working through them. Love is not about romance and feeling valued. That is not love and will not dustain a marriage.
Love is not bout your feelings, love us about tje other person.
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pianistclare
Guest
Again, well stated. There is no difference. Itās just semantics.
And optics, frankly.
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Still_Hoping
Guest
I reread my post and it sounds the way you pointed it out. I am not always glib in my speech so I will correct myself. Children are not negative, that being said, many of the day-to-day stuff can get us down or pull our marriages apart. I have seen it happen. I am glad that you are in love. For some, negative circumstances in peopleās lives can shape their perception of the world and of others.My children are ānegative stuffā?Every time I look at my daughter, Iām more in love with my husband!
In my case, I look at my daughter and I feel sad and guilt come over me because she was subjected to my relationship with her father. We fought a lot and he got abusive. I in turn became stressed, sick and depressed. I fought it the best way that I could by always trying to make up for the instability in my home. She has issues now and my heart hurts for her. All I want is to see my children happy, healthy and successful and loving towards others especially God. I love my family and we have come a long way but I still have bouts with these feelings. And I have to deal with a lot of other issues so please donāt judge.
Thank you and God bless.
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Still_Hoping
Guest
Are you referring to the stages of marriage? A priest mentioned this to me when we went for premarital courses. I have been married over 15 years and it is better today than ever. Right now I am dealing with other issues that wear me down. I am just like that:shrug:.
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Momof9inFL
Guest
Yes!
Just hearing his voice makes my heart swell. Seeing him fills me with love and energy. Feeling his hand in mine makes me swoon. Hugging him is otherworldly. Putting my arms around him makes me ecstatic.
I look at him and just smile.
He takes care of me and our childrenā¦every day.
Just hearing his voice makes my heart swell. Seeing him fills me with love and energy. Feeling his hand in mine makes me swoon. Hugging him is otherworldly. Putting my arms around him makes me ecstatic.
I look at him and just smile.
He takes care of me and our childrenā¦every day.
C
Convert_in_99
Guest
Wow! You are very blessed.
Sadly, I think you are far from the norm. We all have these moments, but itās not constant for sure. There are plenty of thorns amongst the roses for most. You are truly blessed indeed!
R
reagent6
Guest
Yes, because I choose to be.
30 years and countingā¦
30 years and countingā¦
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