Argument w/ Parents Over College

[JMJ_Pinoy]

My parents and I have been arguing over college lately. I will soon be on my own, this being my last year of high school, and I REALLY want to go to the Franciscan University of Steubenville (Ohio.) The problem is that my parents don’t want me to go to FUS because it’s so far from home (California.) They’re saying that it’s “too expensive” to go out of state, and they want me to stay here in San Diego and go to San Diego State instead. But FUS is my dream school, and I really want to go there. What should I do? Should I choose to go to FUS, if accepted, and risk ruining my relationship with the parents? Or should I just stay in San Diego, and lose out on a great college experience at my dream university? I really want to go to FUS, but it’s hard when my parents are being so unsupportive and angry with me. I appreciate any advice and prayers.

God Bless,
JMJ_Pinoy

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

First off, whoever is paying for college has the right to say which one you will go to. If you are paying for it then you have the right to go where you wish.

If they are paying for school, sit down and respectfully tell them why you want to go to FUS. Do not argue. If they say no, tell them you respect that they have the right to make the decision and that you will not argue. maybe if they have time to think about your rational reasons and are not busy arguing back, they may change their minds.

Decisions on how to behave will affect your relationship forever. Choose wisely.

malia

 

[Forest-Pine]

JMJ_Pinoy:

Should I choose to go to FUS, if accepted, and risk ruining my relationship with the parents? Or should I just stay in San Diego, and lose out on a great college experience at my dream university? I really want to go to FUS, but it’s hard when my parents are being so unsupportive and angry with me. I appreciate any advice and prayers.

Prayers I can offer. Advice… I’m not so sure.

I was in the exact same circumstance as you. In my case, my college tuition was used as an unhealthy leverage to control other aspects of my life. My little sis was in the same position. In her case it was a genuine concern for her well being and the obvious need for her to still be at home.

So I say you should dig deep inside yourself. Are your parents loving and a little worried? Or are they genuine, but overprotective? Do they maybe have a point with their concerns? Are they purposefully manipulative? Is this a way to control you? Or is this what they really think is best for YOU. Do you think FUS is so important that you could go there, pay for it on your own, and make good grades?

An alternative is going to community college for 2 years. Or even transferring from SD to FUS after 2 years. You could have a genuine and honest discussion with your parents in which you express your concerns and acccept the others’ valid points and work together on a solution that pleases all involved.

Generally speaking, you also need to be showing maturity and leadership capabilities in all aspects of your life, not just academic ones. Then your parents will see that you are ready to be making grown-up decisions and can handle the real world on your own. By consistently being respectful and polite, while also firm in your faith and your upbringing, you will make them proud and they won’t be so hesitant to stand behind your decisions.

 

[JMJ_Pinoy]

Feanaro's Wife:

First off, whoever is paying for college has the right to say which one you will go to. If you are paying for it then you have the right to go where you wish.

If they are paying for school, sit down and respectfully tell them why you want to go to FUS. Do not argue. If they say no, tell them you respect that they have the right to make the decision and that you will not argue. maybe if they have time to think about your rational reasons and are not busy arguing back, they may change their minds.

Decisions on how to behave will affect your relationship forever. Choose wisely.

malia

Thank you for the advice. I plan to pay for my own education. If my parents want to help me pay, then I’d have no problem with that. I’ll utilize every financial aid I can. Loans, grants, scholarships, work study… I don’t mind working or paying for my own education. I’ve already explained this to my parents, but they refuse to listen to me. They believe that they’ll have to pay for everything, and have flat out told me that I will not be able to get any financial aid or that I wouldn’t succeed with work study b/c I’d end up getting fired or something. They refuse to listen to anything my teachers or counselor have to say. And they refuse to take me to my admissions interview this weekend with my admissions counselor from FUS.

 

[Forest-Pine]

Hmmm…

The problem here is do we think you are a pretty good kid who happens to have parents that aren’t doing such a great job lately, or do we believe that your have pretty good parents and you haven’t been doing such a great job lately, or do we believe it is a little of both?

I say you need another adult in your life to act as a mentor. Someone parental who isn’t going to cut you slack and rag on your parents if your parents are being wise, but at the same time someone who will support and uplift you if your parents aren’t doing such a good job. (And maybe will drive you to college admissions interviews…)

By having a mentor in your life who is familiar with the ins and outs of your family dynamics and you, that person would be in a position to counsel you wisely and objectively. Perhaps your confirmation sponsor? Or school counselor? Or priest?

Since you still have about 6 months before you really need to do anything for college, and then you have 2 years before you need to be in your final choice, I say you should work on these other issues first and let the cards fall where they may until you actually are forced to play your hand. A lot can change in that amount of time.

 

[Catholic2003]

I can relate to your parents’ side of this. FUS is $16K per year, versus $3K per year at SDSU, or for that matter, $5K per year at UCSD. What can you do to cost justify the difference?

When I was your age, I wanted to go to Cal Tech, but my parents sent me to the state university instead. Their argument was that it doesn’t matter where you get your undergraduate degree from; the important thing is to go to a good graduate school. Now that I’m much older, I can see their point.

What do want to major in? What do you want to do after you graduate?

 

[Benedictus]

It’s difficult to speak to your particular situation, but here are some thoughts.

1. I think it’s generally a good idea to go to college that is at least a few hours drive from where you grew up. Getting out on your own will be a great learning experience.
2. I’m a big fan of the less expensive public universities, esp. if you are planning on majoring in a scientific or technical field. Catholic schools can be good, but they are a lot more expensive, and I’m not sure the extra expensive is worth it. You can grow in your faith without going to a Catholic school, and a moderately-size public university will often have better research facilities.

 

[Sanctus]

Ok, I didn’t read all of the posts but I have some practical advice…since I’m a 3rd year student in a University.

1.) Visit the Universities. Take both parents along if they can spare the time, but one parent will do.

2.) Go where you are most comfortable–you are going to have to live with your decision, nobody else.

3.) Look at the Universities on their own merits–not your pre-concieved notions of them. I’m not saying not to go to your dream school, just make sure that it is your dream school because you actually find the academics challenging and you enjoy being there–not because you woke up one morning and thought, hmm…I feel like going to the university of wherever.

4.) If you chose to go to FUS–I wouldn’t worry too much about the distance–but that’s me. The point I’m trying to make is, you know yourself. Are you a person who operates well on your own? Do you adapt well? Can you stand to be without your parents immedieate assistance? For me the answer to these questions is yes–my first two years in a University I spent about 900 miles away from home…now I’m in my third year and I don’t even live on the same continent as my parents. So just think about it and realize that each choice has it’s unique rewards and challenges.

 

[JMJ_Pinoy]

Catholic2003:

I can relate to your parents’ side of this. FUS is $16K per year, versus $3K per year at SDSU, or for that matter, $5K per year at UCSD. What can you do to cost justify the difference?

When I was your age, I wanted to go to Cal Tech, but my parents sent me to the state university instead. Their argument was that it doesn’t matter where you get your undergraduate degree from; the important thing is to go to a good graduate school. Now that I’m much older, I can see their point.

What do want to major in? What do you want to do after you graduate?

I’m not sure if money is really the issue for my parents, though. They don’t know anything about FUS. According to my mom… she’s never heard of FUS before so it must be a “crappy school.” So I don’t know how they can claim it’s too expensive when they don’t know anything about it. They don’t know much about Yale or Stanford either, actually…

They want me to go to SDSU or UCSD. And they want me to live at home, not on campus, and just commute to school every day. I think they just want to keep me as close to home as possible, which is understandable considering that they’re parents. But I won’t be living under their roof forever, and I’ll be moving out eventually. I don’t want to depend on them for everything. I also want to live on campus, not at home.

If I got to FUS, I’d major in Mental Health and Human Services, then pursue a license in Mental Health Counseling or Marriage and Family Therapy. If I go to another university, I’d probably major in Psychology or Social Work.

 

[Benedictus]

JMJ_Pinoy:

And they want me to live at home, not on campus, and just commute to school every day.

Wherever you end up, do NOT live at home. Live on campus your first year at least. Maybe in an off-campus apartment after that. So much of the college experience is about being on your own.

Living away from home is weird at first, but it was good for me back when I was in college not that long ago.

 

[JMJ_Pinoy]

1. I think it’s generally a good idea to go to college that is at least a few hours drive from where you grew up. Getting out on your own will be a great learning experience.

I’d really like to get out on my own. I need to experience being independent, for once. But my parents think that a college that’s just a few hours drive from home is already too far away.

2. I’m a big fan of the less expensive public universities, esp. if you are planning on majoring in a scientific or technical field. Catholic schools can be good, but they are a lot more expensive, and I’m not sure the extra expensive is worth it. You can grow in your faith without going to a Catholic school, and a moderately-size public university will often have better research facilities.

I think public universities are probably the better choice for the scientific or technical field. If I was interested in becoming a doctor or something, UCSD would be great.

But I want to be a Mental Health Counselor or Marriage & Family Therapist, and for this reason I feel that I need to go to a passionately Catholic or very conservative school. If I go to another school, I would not want to be taught how to help parents get divorced, how to help homosexuals fit into their lifestyle, etc. I would not want to be taught something that goes against everything I stand for.

 

[JMJ_Pinoy]

1.) Visit the Universities. Take both parents along if they can spare the time, but one parent will do.

I haven’t visited any other campuses w/ my parents besides SDSU, UCSD, and Southwestern Community College. Hopefully, (if) after they take me to my FUS admissions interview this weekend, they’ll consider allowing me to visit the FUS campus. Otherwise, I doubt they’d take me to FUS.

3.) Look at the Universities on their own merits–not your pre-concieved notions of them. I’m not saying not to go to your dream school, just make sure that it is your dream school because you actually find the academics challenging and you enjoy being there–not because you woke up one morning and thought, hmm…I feel like going to the university of wherever.

I’d like to spend a day or two visiting FUS and seeing what it’s like.

4.) If you chose to go to FUS–I wouldn’t worry too much about the distance–but that’s me. The point I’m trying to make is, you know yourself. Are you a person who operates well on your own? Do you adapt well? Can you stand to be without your parents immedieate assistance? For me the answer to these questions is yes–my first two years in a University I spent about 900 miles away from home…now I’m in my third year and I don’t even live on the same continent as my parents. So just think about it and realize that each choice has it’s unique rewards and challenges.

LOL, my parents would probably freak out if I was in a different city from them for more than a few days.

 

[rayne89]

If you are paying your way you make the decisions. FUS is a great solid catholic college. It sounds like your parents are having a hard time letting you grow up and be independant. If an 18 year old can serve in the military he can certainly pick his education choices especially given the fact they are not footing the bill.

If this is truly your dream and you don’t follow it you will always wonder what you may have missed out on. Personally I’d be thrilled if our daughter wanted to go to FUS even if it was in Alaska.

I know some people may disagree but you can’t live your life for your parents. Love them, speak to them with respect, be open to advice from their own life experience but it’s time to spread your wings.Your parents will survive without you. And when you work hard and are successful they will even more proud of you for doing it on you own.

 

[MikeinSD]

JMJ_Pinoy:

I’d really like to get out on my own. I need to experience being independent, for once. But my parents think that a college that’s just a few hours drive from home is already too far away.

I think public universities are probably the better choice for the scientific or technical field. If I was interested in becoming a doctor or something, UCSD would be great.

But I want to be a Mental Health Counselor or Marriage & Family Therapist, and for this reason I feel that I need to go to a passionately Catholic or very conservative school. If I go to another school, I would not want to be taught how to help parents get divorced, how to help homosexuals fit into their lifestyle, etc. I would not want to be taught something that goes against everything I stand for.

Wherever you end up at school, I suggest you learn the facts of psychology first. You can be as conservative as you wish. But you have to learn the basics. And yes, right now you will not agree with them. College will make you open up your mind. Study of psychology will even more. Good luck.

 

[Catholic2003]

JMJ_Pinoy:

I’m not sure if money is really the issue for my parents, though.

Well, if $44K (the cumulative tuition difference over four years) isn’t really an issue for your parents, they probably make too much money for you to qualify for much financial aid.

If transferring to FUS after a few years at another school isn’t an option, and your parents aren’t going to support your going to FUS, another possibility is for you to get out on your own for a year or two, save up some money, and then go to FUS. That way, your parents’ income could be excluded from your financial aid calculations.

JMJ_Pinoy:

If I got to FUS, I’d major in Mental Health and Human Services, then pursue a license in Mental Health Counseling or Marriage and Family Therapy. If I go to another university, I’d probably major in Psychology or Social Work.

Realistically speaking, you will need a masters degree (at a minimum) for this. What about getting a good, well-rounded education at a much less expensive school, and then go to FUS for their Master of Arts in Counseling?

 

[SeekerJen]

Forest-Pine:

An alternative is going to community college for 2 years. Or even transferring from SD to FUS after 2 years. You could have a genuine and honest discussion with your parents in which you express your concerns and acccept the others’ valid points and work together on a solution that pleases all involved.

This might be the best solution. I actually know someone who did something similar- commuted from home to a local college for his first two years, saved up some money, and then transfered to FUS and finished his education degree there. He still had to finance his education, but he ended up in a lot less debt than his sisters who went all four years at Steubie.

I can understand your parents’ hesitation at letting you go into the unknown. It seems like all we hear about are wild parties, binge drinking, astronomical student debt, and other social ills at colleges. FUS isn’t totally immune (what is?) but it’s sure a lot harder to find the bad stuff there. It’s not encouraged as a rite of passage like it is at other schools. Maybe you can spend this fall gathering information on FUS, on financial aid options, and maybe the school can put you in touch with local alumni who could maybe help ease your parents’ fears.

 

[cheddarsox]

JMJ_Pinoy:

I’d really like to get out on my own. I need to experience being independent, for once. But my parents think that a college that’s just a few hours drive from home is already too far away.

**Yes, you do need to do these things, and your parents need to learn to let go, big jobs for both of you. If your High school offers any workshops about going away to school, make sure you and parents attend. Sometimes they address this important issue. Another thing you could try is to visit your local library and check out books about the college experience. Leave them around in common spots in the home where others will browse them. Use the time you have to help everyone get familiar with the idea. If you have family friends who are also preparing for this, engage them in conversation while the family is together, get people talking about their fears, feelings, hopes, wishes and dreams in a bigger context.
**

I think public universities are probably the better choice for the scientific or technical field. If I was interested in becoming a doctor or something, UCSD would be great.

But I want to be a Mental Health Counselor or Marriage & Family Therapist, and for this reason I feel that I need to go to a passionately Catholic or very conservative school. If I go to another school, I would not want to be taught how to help parents get divorced, how to help homosexuals fit into their lifestyle, etc. I would not want to be taught something that goes against everything I stand for.

**Part of growing up, and certainly part of higher education is learning things that challenge your faith and belief. You simply will have to deal with things that go against everything you stand for. That is life. That is reality.

The point of going to university is not to coddle you. The college experience will take you apart and you will have to put yourself together again. That is a part of growing up, and while it can be confusing, scary, even dangerous, it is also exhilerating, empowering and worthwhile. A good faith is a mature faith, and one of your tasks in the upcoming years, no matter where you go to school, is to mature in faith as well as other areas of life.

Being taught about these things does not mean you have to take them in as personal beliefs. Your task will be to sort the wheat from the chaff.**

**Here is something to think about. My hubby and I married when we were 19 and he was in his second year of college. When we married we became financially independant. We are still paying off my husbands college and graduate school loans.

We are 40 with three teen children. We do not own a home, we cannot afford it. We do pay all our bills and are not on assistance, but we don’t take vacations or own fine things. This is OK, it is a decision we made. He has a PhD. 12 yrs of college all together. But he accomplished his dream.

My son is beginning college this year. He is paying his way. He is going to an expensive private University (once the mess from Katrina is cleaned up) because that is his dream. We cannot pay for it. He knows what it is to live close to the bone and with the debt of school loans. he is smart and is also receiving a lot of scholarship money, but it wont cover everything.

If the idea of living poor for a while to pay back loans is OK with you. Finance your own dream, but your parents have a point. In state tuition is much more managable, and even so, college is not cheap. Books alone can run over $1000 a year, not to mention campus housing etc etc.

Your decisions now will affect you and your future, but also spouse and kids. Think about that too. Think about the big picture and what will matter most to you over the course of your life.

My hubby and I do not regret our choices. People counseled against them, but we did what we felt was right and are happy with the results. Pray a lot over this. Talk to lots of folks about their experiences, and remember that while these decisions are important, they are also not set in stone. You can start on one path and make changes if necessary, at least up to a point.

best to you,

cheddar**

 

[JMJ_Pinoy]

MikeinSD:

Wherever you end up at school, I suggest you learn the facts of psychology first. You can be as conservative as you wish. But you have to learn the basics. And yes, right now you will not agree with them. College will make you open up your mind. Study of psychology will even more. Good luck.

I’m currently taking a psychology class offered at my high school for college credit. I’m thinking about taking Sociology next semester, which also counts for college credit.

 

[Brenda_V]

Here is a unique idea, how about giving your parents the information about FUS! Let them know you really want to go to the school and ask respectfully if they will go to the web-site and see what the school is about?

You are sounding very confrontational to me as a parent - just reading your posts makes me want to tell you “no. you are not going to FUS”.

Yes, FUS is expensive, I should know, I have a graduate from FUS.

You might consider what others are saying - go for your first two years locally, work during the summers and then transfer to FUS for your last two years.

I am also going to guess that you are the oldest and your parents are having a hard time letting you go. It is okay, maybe “giving in” for that first two years is good. Also, getting and holding down a job while attending college successfully might help them see you are serious about this.

Remembr that Financial Aid and Work Study programs are tied into your parents income. It sounds like your parents make enough that you won’t get any financial aid that is needs based. Don’t rely on this as your source of paying for your education. You don’t want large loans either. (Yes, this is a mom talking here - someone who looks farther into the future than just “next year”).

If your parents are willing, have them e-mail me and I will “talk” to them about FUS as a parent of an FUS graduate and don’t be surprised if I take their side of it either.

Brenda V.

 

[sparkle]

The VERY bottom line is: can they afford for you to attend a college out of state? Yes or no. Try to ask them directly and to the point. If the answer is no, then just deal with it, college will be great anywhere. If they just don’t want you to leave, well, they need to talk to your priest with you, to deal with the matter.

Good Luck~~

P.S. My parents said they couldn’t afford for me to go anywhere except a state college either. I had no college in mind anyway, so I just went to a state college. If I really had my heart set on a place, perhaps things would have been different. But I had a great college experience anyway~~