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Allegra
Guest
Mothers have always found employment from home so they could care for their kids. It isn’t devaluing anything.
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Mi_Rose
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The answer tonthe OPis yes or maybe both.
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Xanthippe_Voorhees
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Yeah, it is. A SAHM who is working is not “just” a SAHM. The whole premise is that a woman can choose to be a good wife or have a career/paid employment. Saying that one is a SAHM and working is incorrect. If a woman is caring for her own children and other children she’s running a private daycare that includes her own children. Her children don’t get the undivided SAHM attention. If a woman sells Usborne or works at the grocey store or online to make ends meet she’s not “really” a SAHM. She’s a working mom.
And that’s where the devaluation comes in. A mother is juggling her own kids needs and paid employment is not a SAHM. She hasn’t decided to choose between work and being 100% focused on her kids.
I am NOT a SAHM. I am a WFHM. Yes, I do stay home with my children, but I also work. I am paid to freelance & tutor and have paid employment 20+ hours a week. I would not call myself a SAHM because I’m not 100% focused on my children. I have a part-time job. Calling me a SAHM is denying the fact that I juggle work and children. It is devaluing what I do to label me as someone who “just” gets to stay at home with their children. I’m working.
It’s not to say that SAHM’s don’t work hard. But they get to focus 100% of their time, effort and energy on their children and their home. It’s not something that working moms–even part time working Moms have the luxary of doing.
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Werbenjagermanjensen
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Statistics are useful here. So far it is just the opinion of 3 talking heads and one cranky reddit user on a childfree forum.
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Xanthippe_Voorhees
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Well, you didn’t bother looking at the HBR article unless you looked it up yourself since the clicked link number hasn’t increased for several hours so I’m posting it here again.
https://www.hbs.edu/news/articles/Pages/mcginn-working-mom.aspx2
HBR researchers are well regarded and they basically imply that SAHM are neglectful to their daughter’s future prospects across all cultures and areas.
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Xantippe
Guest
So, where are yours?
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Werbenjagermanjensen
Guest
A quick google search shows that 60% of people believe that it is best for children to have a stay at home parent. I suppose it could still be a wildly popular view that women shouldn’t be SAHMs all depending on how you define “wildly popular” but the idea that having a parent stay at home is best for the kids doesn’t seem all that taboo. I think the negative attitudes you’re getting it might just be a you thing rather than wider society thing.
www.pewresearch.org
Chapter 4: Public Views on Staying at Home vs. Working
Despite the fact that most mothers in the U.S. work at least part time, many Americans continue to believe that having a mother who stays at home is
www.pewresearch.org
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Xanthippe_Voorhees
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Which means that nearly half-40% believe it’s a bad idea.
And again, the definition of SAHM often really includes WFHM’s.
40% of the population of the US is nothing to sneeze at. That’s a large number of people…and it IS very regional…and cultural. It also becomes a 50/50 split once you add in education. Not only that, but women’s views are often cataclysmically different than men’s views. And if you read the article nearly 70% believe that women should NOT return to their classical SAHM lifestyle even if they think it’s “best”.
Many nations are FAR more aggressive towards the idea of SAHM than the US. In general Europen nations…especially northern European nations have a far more progressive approach and believe even less that SAHM is a “thing”
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Werbenjagermanjensen
Guest
The other 40% believe that it doesn’t matter either way, not that they think it’s a bad idea. I haven’t found anything on what % of people believes that it is bad for the children for a mother to stay at home.
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Xanthippe_Voorhees
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Did you read your own article?
Nearly 60% do not think we should return to a time of SAHM.
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F_Marturana
Guest
My husband and I make choices on our family and who stays home or not based on our familiy’s needs . We couldnt care less about what busy bodies think if it’s socially acceptable or not.
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Xantippe
Guest
And I have to mention (having lived in an area like that) that people can think it’s great that you’re home with your kids, without thinking that you’re a worthwhile person to talk to or know.
I feel less like that in our current area, but there are a lot more obvious points of common ground for conversation (college community, school community, etc.). I actually don’t know whether a lot of moms at school are working right now, because it isn’t actually important–it’s easy to find common ground with casual acquaintances with regard to kid and school and community stuff. When we lived in DC, it was SO hard to find stuff to talk about with my husband’s colleagues on the occasions when I made the effort to go to parties. (It probably would have been easier with school kids, though.)
That’s the sort of experience (finding yourself booted out of the adult world) that makes women run screaming from SAHM-hood.
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Werbenjagermanjensen
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Yes, yes I did.
I think that the question is “do you think women should return their traditional role in society” not “do you think that we should return to a time of SAHM”
Otherwise, it would be hard to reconcile the 60% who believe that it’s best for a child if a parent stays at home with the 60% who believe we shouldn’t have SAHM.
I think that the question is “do you think women should return their traditional role in society” not “do you think that we should return to a time of SAHM”
Otherwise, it would be hard to reconcile the 60% who believe that it’s best for a child if a parent stays at home with the 60% who believe we shouldn’t have SAHM.
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Xantippe
Guest
Not at all.
People may think that it’s bad for the mom, bad for the parents’ marriage, bad for the family economically, etc., even though it might be better for the child when they are little.
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Clementine14
Guest
This is a good point. I often don’t even know what to call myself. I teach at the college level, but also have no childcare help. If I say I am a “working mom”, it implies that someone else helps to care for my son. But SAHM doesn’t fit either, because I do more than that.
I also find that people “forget” that I work. I do have quite a lot of flexibility, but often I cannot go out on the weekend with family or friends because I have to grade papers while my husband cares for our son. And on weekdays that I have a lot of work, even a morning grocery store trip can exhaust me so much that it is hard to work while he is napping. But some people think I am always available because I stay home.
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Xantippe
Guest
Another thing–when we lived in DC, I had virtually no adult social life for two years until Big Girl went to preschool co-op at 3 and suddenly I knew so many people! Pre-k was even better. There was a playground and picnic tables, and after school, many parents would hang out and watch their kids play and chat. It was great.
From 1-3, I tried very hard (did a church group, tried to organize playdates), but it was like rolling a rock uphill–no momentum. It would have been terrible if we hadn’t done preschool and pre-k.
From 1-3, I tried very hard (did a church group, tried to organize playdates), but it was like rolling a rock uphill–no momentum. It would have been terrible if we hadn’t done preschool and pre-k.
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Xanthippe_Voorhees
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People don’t just think it. They research it. The HBR article says it all. Ignoring that article is ignoring a piece of work on SAHM’s that trancends cultural and national boundaries.Werbenjagermanjensen:
Not at all.
People may think that it’s bad for the mom, bad for the parents’ marriage, bad for the family economically, etc., even though it might be better for the child when they are little.
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Xanthippe_Voorhees
Guest
Thinking an idea is good and not wanting that to be the norm isn’t exactly unheard of. I think that pet ownership is a vital part of ensuring a child becomes responsible and helps teach the process of understanding death. However, I do not believe that all families should own pets.
Two “conflicting” ideas—neither mutually exclusive…
That means 20% of people believe it’s likey “best” but do not want to return to it. That’s a legitimate dichotomy.
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Xantippe
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Also, in practice, you don’t choose between a fabulous career and fabulous marriage.
People who have terrible careers tend to have terrible marriages, too. I suppose this is clearer with men than women, but I think it ought to be intuitive that if a woman has to work at a job that makes her unhappy, that’s going to leak into her home life.
People who have terrible careers tend to have terrible marriages, too. I suppose this is clearer with men than women, but I think it ought to be intuitive that if a woman has to work at a job that makes her unhappy, that’s going to leak into her home life.
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Xanthippe_Voorhees
Guest
There’s also such a false idea of what a SAHM is. We’ve had atleast one poster on here of late who wished to be a SAHM and grossly overcompensated for it–to the point where her 15 and 18yo were not allowed to boil water, wash their own laundry and could not make themselves a sandwich. Her view was that she could work full time + and still do “SAHM things” but SAHM have a duty to raise responsible, self-sufficient children. Everyone does. The full-time WOHM often over-compensates based on what she thinks a SAHM does. And wouldn’t it be GREAT if that was all she had to do? So if not demonized the SAHM life gets turned into a fantasy world. (Which then in turn gets hated even more!)
That sort of thinking is why we have major burnout and college students who now need an extra day to learn how to do their laundry and cook ez-mac in the microwave.
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