Asked if I was pregnant

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Maine52

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The other night, a friend said to me, “I had a dream that you were pregnant. Are you pregnant?” I’m not, so I said no. This bothered me for the following reasons: If I were to become pregnant, I like to wait until the second trimester to announce it. I feel like that’s pretty standard, since most miscarriages occur before then. I know some people announce it as soon as they find out, but I would prefer to wait. I think having a miscarriage would be difficult enough for me without telling people, who have already rejoiced about my pregnancy, that the pregnancy didn’t work out. This is not the first time my friend has directly asked someone if they are pregnant, and so I am expecting it to happen again (it’s happened about three times in the past few months). DH and I are not currently trying to have a child, but our daughter is 22 months old, and so we are thinking of starting to try to conceive sometime in the near future. If I do become pregnant and am asked directly in this way, I will either be forced to reveal it before I want to, or lie. Does anyone have any advice for politely communicating that I would prefer not to be asked directly about this matter?
 
Maine52 said:
The other night, a friend said to me, “I had a dream that you were pregnant. Are you pregnant?” I’m not, so I said no. This bothered me for the following reasons: If I were to become pregnant, I like to wait until the second trimester to announce it. I feel like that’s pretty standard, since most miscarriages occur before then. I know some people announce it as soon as they find out, but I would prefer to wait. I think having a miscarriage would be difficult enough for me without telling people, who have already rejoiced about my pregnancy, that the pregnancy didn’t work out. This is not the first time my friend has directly asked someone if they are pregnant, and so I am expecting it to happen again (it’s happened about three times in the past few months). DH and I are not currently trying to have a child, but our daughter is 22 months old, and so we are thinking of starting to try to conceive sometime in the near future. If I do become pregnant and am asked directly in this way, I will either be forced to reveal it before I want to, or lie. Does anyone have any advice for politely communicating that I would prefer not to be asked directly about this matter?
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“I’m sorry, but I prefer to keep private matters private. Please do not ask me anymore.”
 
“Oh how I wish that was true. Believe me I will let you know if I am ever blessed again!”
 
pensmama87 said:
“I’m sorry, but I prefer to keep private matters private. Please do not ask me anymore.”
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“That’s a yes.”

Since the OP has already answered the question 3 times, at this point, claiming privacy will indicate a change. Most will assume that change is pregnancy.

I would recommend turning the question around.

“Wow, do I look fat?”
“Do your dreams normally come true? Have you had any other dreams about me?”

In other words, ask them a question.

If you would like to truly stop the question, you could tell them that they are being rude. And that continually asking is is too much. Of course, your friend might get upset and you might lose a friend.
 
MomaMary8 said:
“Oh how I wish that was true. Believe me I will let you know if I am ever blessed again!”
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I like this or some version of it. If she’s a friend, can’t you just say what you’ve told us here? That, if you do become pregnant, you’ll be releasing information in the second trimester.

I’ve been on the other end of this interaction. Only once because, as a rule, I don’t believe you ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see the head crowning.

A friend left a message on our answering machine and the second I heard her voice I said, “She’s pregnant.” DH replayed the message and pointed out that she didn’t hint at exciting news, she didn’t sound any different, etc. I kept saying, “No. I know this like I know my own name. She’s pregnant.” (I’ll occasionally get a strong intuition about something, but, to DH’s chagrin it’s never the lotto numbers.)

I called her and blurted out, “You’re pregnant!” because I was a. over the moon happy and b. swore I knew it. She was a little surprised and said she wasn’t. I said, “Really? I had a really strong intuition that you are.” Then we moved on. DH wasn’t too obnoxious about being “right.”

Two months later she told me she was pregnant 😃 She couldn’t believe I knew. She’d taken a home test but hadn’t seen the doctor when we’d talked. I didn’t feel lied to or betrayed by her not confirming it. I fully understood why she didn’t tell me and I went back to my “only when the head is crowning” rule. We still laugh about it from time to time.

DH is still waiting for lotto numbers.
 
Since your friend seems to go around and ask others the same question which is noisy and intrusive tell her she needs to stop these sorts of questions. They are noisy and inappropriate.
 
“When I am, I’ll let you know.”

This is what I started saying to the nosy people who would ask. I can never understand why people don’t mind their own business.
 
I would just tell her that constantly asking is upsetting you.
if she can’t get that, then get another friend.
Sometimes, you just have to be blunt. I know you don’t want to, but some people are clueless. :coffeeread:
If she persists and asks you why it’s upsetting you, tell her it’s because it’s none of her business. Period.
End of story. :cool:
 
“I beg you pardon?” You should always answer this way when the question is too personal. If you only answer this way when the question is too personal AND you are inclined to keep it that way, the change in your answer will betray that you have something to keep private, and it will invite prying.

If the question is foolishly repeated, you say,
“That is not the kind of question you just ask people. Please! Allow people to choose when to tell you things like that.”
 
Maine52 said:
The other night, a friend said to me, “I had a dream that you were pregnant. Are you pregnant?” I’m not, so I said no. This bothered me for the following reasons: If I were to become pregnant, I like to wait until the second trimester to announce it. I feel like that’s pretty standard, since most miscarriages occur before then. I know some people announce it as soon as they find out, but I would prefer to wait. I think having a miscarriage would be difficult enough for me without telling people, who have already rejoiced about my pregnancy, that the pregnancy didn’t work out. This is not the first time my friend has directly asked someone if they are pregnant, and so I am expecting it to happen again (it’s happened about three times in the past few months). DH and I are not currently trying to have a child, but our daughter is 22 months old, and so we are thinking of starting to try to conceive sometime in the near future. If I do become pregnant and am asked directly in this way, I will either be forced to reveal it before I want to, or lie. Does anyone have any advice for politely communicating that I would prefer not to be asked directly about this matter?
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This is interesting to me because I can see both sides. We have friends, close friends with whom nothing is off limits with conversations like this. But we also have others whom we do not ask such personal things. It would appear that your friend thinks she is in one group when she really is in the other. Pregnancy is such a personal matter that it is best to leave it alone. One of our good friends had a miscarriage a while ago. I have stopped with the "when are you having another baby comments, and they have stopped with the teasing ambiguous statements.

OTOH While waiting to tell is certainly your right, it will not stop the whispering and gossip. That is just the way it is. And some women get downright ridiculous about not telling. My wife (who is preggers with our fifth right now) could not ever hide it until the second Trimester. And we are asked all the time (because we have four kids) and in this world NFP or people that do not use birth control are a curiosity to the known world. Personally I never have understood the waiting because of a miscarriage reason. Especially with friends. If our friends who had a miscarriage recently had not told us, we could not have been with them and supported them. We could not have grieved with them and comforted them, and we would still be vocally wondering why it has been three years with no pregnancy. (Like I said we are good friends and we joke and talk about such things.)

Regardless asking someone if they are pregnant is just almost always a bad idea if you are not extremely close to them and have the kind of relationship that includes such personal information. BUT just know that human nature will dictate the Gladys Cravitz’s of the world will be talking. It started with a whisper…

BTW
What is the significance of waiting til after a child is 22 months to try to conceive?
 
maryjk said:
“That’s a yes.”

**Since the OP has already answered the question 3 times, at this point, claiming privacy will indicate a change. Most will assume that change is pregnancy. **

I would recommend turning the question around.

“Wow, do I look fat?”
“Do your dreams normally come true? Have you had any other dreams about me?”

In other words, ask them a question.

If you would like to truly stop the question, you could tell them that they are being rude. And that continually asking is is too much. Of course, your friend might get upset and you might lose a friend.
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And at some point, they’ll find out that they were wrong. I do like your suggestions, too.

She could even say, “I know you’re asking because you care, but I’ve decided I think questions like that are too intrusive. I’m not going to answer it any more. When I am pregnant and ready to tell you, I will let you know.”
 
Hoosier_Daddy said:
This is interesting to me because I can see both sides. We have friends, close friends with whom nothing is off limits with conversations like this. But we also have others whom we do not ask such personal things. It would appear that your friend thinks she is in one group when she really is in the other. Pregnancy is such a personal matter that it is best to leave it alone. One of our good friends had a miscarriage a while ago. I have stopped with the "when are you having another baby comments, and they have stopped with the teasing ambiguous statements.

Great point. I’ve read some of these responses and thought, "I’d say that to a stranger, not a friend." Some of the responses seem too rude and harsh to use with a friend, but I read the original post assuming that “friend” was a close friend. With whom I’d be honest about my waiting to tell. My friend was worried that I’d feel lied to when she told me she pregnant; she actually apologized. I was apologizing, again, for blurting it out. We laughed at ourselves and moved on. But we’re very close and discuss everything.

OTOH While waiting to tell is certainly your right, it will not stop the whispering and gossip. That is just the way it is. And some women get downright ridiculous about not telling. My wife (who is preggers with our fifth right now) could not ever hide it until the second Trimester. And we are asked all the time (because we have four kids) and in this world NFP or people that do not use birth control are a curiosity to the known world. Personally I never have understood the waiting because of a miscarriage reason. Especially with friends. If our friends who had a miscarriage recently had not told us, we could not have been with them and supported them. We could not have grieved with them and comforted them, and we would still be vocally wondering why it has been three years with no pregnancy. (Like I said we are good friends and we joke and talk about such things.)

**I completely agree, I’ve grieved with friends who’ve had miscarriages and hope that something I did offered comfort. I want my friends’ presence and support at all the occasions in my life and I want to offer the same. Again, I might be assuming the word friend means the same thing to the OP as to me. **

Regardless asking someone if they are pregnant is just almost always a bad idea if you are not extremely close to them and have the kind of relationship that includes such personal information. BUT just know that human nature will dictate the Gladys Cravitz’s of the world will be talking. It started with a whisper…

BTW
What is the significance of waiting til after a child is 22 months to try to conceive?
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The other thing I’d add is that with friends who are experiencing an ongoing situation, like TTC, I’ll be very clear that I’m not going to ask about it every time, but I’m more than willing to listen anytime they’d like to talk. Sometimes I’ll ask, “Do you want me to ask how things are going?” and they’ll talk if they’d like.
 
robwar said:
Since your friend seems to go around and ask others the same question which is noisy and intrusive tell her she needs to stop these sorts of questions. They are noisy and inappropriate.
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Noisy as in :okpeople:

Or Nosey as in wanting to know other people’s business :coffeeread:
 
This is a question that just shouldn’t be asked. Not only is it intrusive, but there could be several reasons why pregnancy may be a sensitive subject for the woman you (general you) have asked.

Suffice it to say, if someone is pregnant, and they want you to know, they’ll tell you.
 
A lighthearted “Do I look pregnant?” might get you out of truly answering the question. She really shouldn’t ask.
 
SuperLuigi said:
Noisy as in :okpeople:

Or Nosey as in wanting to know other people’s business :coffeeread:
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In my neck of the woods, we call it “nebby,” as in, “Quit being so nebby,” or even, “Quit nebbing” or “Don’t be such a neb.”

I’m a transplant, but I love this word so much I use it like a native. It’s pretty handy since it’s lighthearted enough that people don’t generally take offense when they’re called out on it.
 
pensmama87 said:
In my neck of the woods, we call it “nebby,” as in, “Quit being so nebby,” or even, “Quit nebbing” or “Don’t be such a neb.”

I’m a transplant, but I love this word so much I use it like a native. It’s pretty handy since it’s lighthearted enough that people don’t generally take offense when they’re called out on it.
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Do you say red up, too? 😃
 
If I were in your shoes, and she asked again, I’d just honestly say to her, “you know, I’ve decided that if and when I do get pregnant again, I’m not going to tell people right away, so from now on, my answer to that question is - sorry I don’t answer that question.” And if she objects and says that that must mean “yes” you can reply, “well I suppose that couldl be true, or it could be that I’ve decided to change my answer ahead of time so that you can’t tell.” If you know her well enough, you also add, “you know that’s really the sort of questions one shouldn’t ask - people will tell when they are ready and plus you might end up insulting someone who has just gained weight.”
 
Hoosier_Daddy said:
This is interesting to me because I can see both sides. We have friends, close friends with whom nothing is off limits with conversations like this. But we also have others whom we do not ask such personal things. It would appear that your friend thinks she is in one group when she really is in the other. Pregnancy is such a personal matter that it is best to leave it alone. One of our good friends had a miscarriage a while ago. I have stopped with the "when are you having another baby comments, and they have stopped with the teasing ambiguous statements.

OTOH While waiting to tell is certainly your right, it will not stop the whispering and gossip. That is just the way it is. And some women get downright ridiculous about not telling. My wife (who is preggers with our fifth right now) could not ever hide it until the second Trimester. And we are asked all the time (because we have four kids) and in this world NFP or people that do not use birth control are a curiosity to the known world. Personally I never have understood the waiting because of a miscarriage reason. Especially with friends. If our friends who had a miscarriage recently had not told us, we could not have been with them and supported them. We could not have grieved with them and comforted them, and we would still be vocally wondering why it has been three years with no pregnancy. (Like I said we are good friends and we joke and talk about such things.)

Regardless asking someone if they are pregnant is just almost always a bad idea if you are not extremely close to them and have the kind of relationship that includes such personal information. BUT just know that human nature will dictate the Gladys Cravitz’s of the world will be talking. It started with a whisper…

BTW
What is the significance of waiting til after a child is 22 months to try to conceive?
Click to expand...
Some of us live in circles where you either keep information this hot to yourself or else you just publish it in the newspaper and have it over with. There is no in-between. And you certainly NEVER tell anyone before you tell your mother and your sisters. You will never hear the end of it. Once you’ve done that, that cat is never going back into the bag.

(I am not saying that I live in one of those circles, mind you. :rolleyes:)
 
I think I asked for a head count for all the pregnant women at the last family get together. Seemed like a casual enough question. Babies everywhere, pregnant women all over the place, just trying to keep it straight.
 
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