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njlisa
Guest
Exactly.
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Xantippe
Guest
Yep.
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EasterJoy
Guest
When you know there are several pregnant women in attendance who have gone public about their condition, that is a little different than asking an individual point-blank.
I would be careful, however. Women miscarry in the first trimester quite often, which is why so many couples don’t make an announcement until somewhere in the second trimester. That is a deep pain, and it is often borne privately and silently. Likewise, couples who have been hoping to have a baby and have not been blessed yet can be very easily hurt by casual and well-meant questions about their condition, a condition that no one else might know is bothering them. Likewise are the lectures about being “generous” to couples who wished they could have had more children than the one or two they were given. It is a mine field full of bruised hearts out there. Tread lightly!
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Burt_Macklin
Guest
To which they respond, “I do beg your forgiveness, m’lady. 'twas a blundering question and it shan’t happen again.” After which you both return to your tea and scrumpets. Or, at least, that is how things go in my mind. I beg your pardon sounds terribly antiquated to me, like something you might say when you’re trying to sound posh.
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pensmama87
Guest
I’ve heard it a lot some places I live, but the expression can sound a little stiff. Though maybe that’s the point.
“Excuse me?” or “I’m sorry - what?” would probably get the same message across.
(And no, NFPWife, I don’t say “red up.” That one seems pretty much reserved to the 50 and over set, at least in my particular area. I do like it when areas call their town clean-up days “Red Ups.” It must be so confusing for the out-of-towners. Ha!)
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Burt_Macklin
Guest
Yea, maybe painfully polite language helps set the tone for the conversation.I’ve heard it a lot some places I live, but the expression can sound a little stiff. Though maybe that’s the point.
“Excuse me?” or “I’m sorry - what?” would probably get the same message across.
(And no, NFPWife, I don’t say “red up.” That one seems pretty much reserved to the 50 and over set, at least in my particular area. I do like it when areas call their town clean-up days “Red Ups.” It must be so confusing for the out-of-towners. Ha!)
I usually either ignore the question or respond with an unrelated question, “how bout them cowboys?” But maybe that can be seen as rude.
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Anglewannabe
Guest
I find that is treating women like prize cattle whose only purpose is to bread. Just because a woman is in a room full of other pregnant women does not mean she doesn’t want to valued like a unique individual. To have a loud statement made in public about a woman’s pregnancy can rub a lot of women the wrong way
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NFPWife
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Well, I’m under 50 and say red up, several times a week. But, I’m native. On a Law and Order episode the clue that broke the case wide open was a character saying, “Red up.” She was in her twenties.I’ve heard it a lot some places I live, but the expression can sound a little stiff. Though maybe that’s the point.
“Excuse me?” or “I’m sorry - what?” would probably get the same message across.
(And no, NFPWife, I don’t say “red up.” That one seems pretty much reserved to the 50 and over set, at least in my particular area. I do like it when areas call their town clean-up days “Red Ups.” It must be so confusing for the out-of-towners. Ha!)
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Maine52
Guest
Well, thank you all for your responses.
I realize that some people are OK with everybody knowing they are pregnant as soon as possible, are fine with people knowing they had a miscarriage, etc. But there are others, such as myself, who want to wait to tell for their own reasons, whatever those reasons may be. Since the latter group exists, I guess I don’t understand what is so difficult about just letting people announce a pregnancy when they want to rather than asking directly. In the case of my friend’s direct question, there were really two options for an answer. Either I wasn’t pregnant, or I was and hadn’t told yet, which most likely means I didn’t want to tell yet. Also, she knows full-well I did not reveal the news about my first pregnancy until the second trimester. She has told and retold the story many times about how I accepted a glass of wine and faked drinking it at a get-together because I didn’t want to tell anyone yet (everyone - including this friend - really thought I was actually drinking the wine, and I later told the story of how I had been faking it after I announced my pregnancy). So it’s not like she doesn’t have a clue that I prefer to wait to tell until later.
In any case, while some of these suggested responses are witty and would probably be effective, I’m too meek to answer any future questions with anything other than a “Yes,” or “No.” so I’m not even sure why I started this thread.
I realize that some people are OK with everybody knowing they are pregnant as soon as possible, are fine with people knowing they had a miscarriage, etc. But there are others, such as myself, who want to wait to tell for their own reasons, whatever those reasons may be. Since the latter group exists, I guess I don’t understand what is so difficult about just letting people announce a pregnancy when they want to rather than asking directly. In the case of my friend’s direct question, there were really two options for an answer. Either I wasn’t pregnant, or I was and hadn’t told yet, which most likely means I didn’t want to tell yet. Also, she knows full-well I did not reveal the news about my first pregnancy until the second trimester. She has told and retold the story many times about how I accepted a glass of wine and faked drinking it at a get-together because I didn’t want to tell anyone yet (everyone - including this friend - really thought I was actually drinking the wine, and I later told the story of how I had been faking it after I announced my pregnancy). So it’s not like she doesn’t have a clue that I prefer to wait to tell until later.
In any case, while some of these suggested responses are witty and would probably be effective, I’m too meek to answer any future questions with anything other than a “Yes,” or “No.” so I’m not even sure why I started this thread.
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pensmama87
Guest
I’ll have to find that one!
In college I knew a few people who said it, but they lived in different towns. Where I am there’s a lot of transplants, so the language doesn’t seem to continue on generationally. My husband is a native and he does a lot more of the “yinzer talk”, though he cranks it up intentionally when my family comes to visit.
If it really bugs you, you could practice saying some of them so you could be prepared. Or you could spend less time with this friend, or other people who are intrusive. But you’re not obligated to provide them this information, even if they mean well. Not feeling like you’re good at establishing boundaries is actually a really good indication that you need to start working on getting better at it. By being willing to answer the question, even when you would rather not, you’re not giving any indication at all to this friend that you don’t want to answer it.In any case, while some of these suggested responses are witty and would probably be effective, I’m too meek to answer any future questions with anything other than a “Yes,” or “No.” so I’m not even sure why I started this thread.
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pianistclare
Guest
Sometimes it is not uncharitable to simply shake you head and walk away.Well, thank you all for your responses.
I realize that some people are OK with everybody knowing they are pregnant as soon as possible, are fine with people knowing they had a miscarriage, etc. But there are others, such as myself, who want to wait to tell for their own reasons, whatever those reasons may be. Since the latter group exists, I guess I don’t understand what is so difficult about just letting people announce a pregnancy when they want to rather than asking directly. In the case of my friend’s direct question, there were really two options for an answer. Either I wasn’t pregnant, or I was and hadn’t told yet, which most likely means I didn’t want to tell yet. Also, she knows full-well I did not reveal the news about my first pregnancy until the second trimester. She has told and retold the story many times about how I accepted a glass of wine and faked drinking it at a get-together because I didn’t want to tell anyone yet (everyone - including this friend - really thought I was actually drinking the wine, and I later told the story of how I had been faking it after I announced my pregnancy). So it’s not like she doesn’t have a clue that I prefer to wait to tell until later.
In any case, while some of these suggested responses are witty and would probably be effective, I’m too meek to answer any future questions with anything other than a “Yes,” or “No.” so I’m not even sure why I started this thread.
My mom used to say that dealing with awkward people is a way to shave a few hours off of purgatory.
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Allegra
Guest
One of my sister’s inlaws asked me at a function when I was due. 
I’m not pregnant, I’m just fat. I told her about nine months after I concieve.
I’m not pregnant, I’m just fat. I told her about nine months after I concieve.
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EasterJoy
Guest
Do realize that 99% of the population over 12 years old will backpedal when they ask someone this kind of question and they are met with “I *beg *your pardon?” If you don’t backpedal after that shot over the bow, it is pretty safe to say you’re *not *posh.
If someone backpedals, you let them off the hook and move on as if nothing happened.
“I do beg your forgiveness, m’lady. 'twas a blundering question and it shan’t happen again.” If I were met with this, I would take that as a joking way to backpedal and say something like, “Good. We are once again amused.”
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EasterJoy
Guest
Someone asked me that once, and was also not pregnant (and never had been). I looked him in the eye and said, “Nope! Just fat!” He deserved it.One of my sister’s inlaws asked me at a function when I was due.
I’m not pregnant, I’m just fat. I told her about nine months after I concieve.
This is the other problem–even people who ask someone whom they believe is OBVIOUSLY pregnant run the risk of offending a new mother, not an expecting one. New moms do not like to be reminded that they haven’t got a girlish figure at the moment.
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Xantippe
Guest
I had such a close call with one of my kids’ teachers at meet-the-teacher night. She looked about 5-6 months pregnant. I was dying to ask, “So when are you due?” I kept my mouth shut, though. And a good thing, too, because she’d had her baby already.
Post-partum ladies look 5 or 6 months pregnant for a long time.
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EasterJoy
Guest
*You look wonderful! How are you doing? *is a much better way to go. When you get either a pregnancy report, a new baby report, or a general-life report, you’ll know what the acceptable topic is.
(If the woman looks as if she’s been under siege, such that “you look wonderful” probably will not be taken as an honest assessment, then How are you doing, I haven’t asked after you in awhile? still works.)
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Hoosier_Daddy
Guest
Which is why they might need a little motivation to get on the treadmill.
(JUST KIDDING JUST KIDDING!!!)
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pensmama87
Guest
Ooooooooooooo…
…I think even if you are kidding, that’s one you keep to yourself.
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DeniseNY
Guest
Oh goodness, I’ve been asked that, too! I had put on some weight and was really sensitive about it, so that is NOT what I wanted to hear!
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Xantippe
Guest
I got so many “Are you pregnants?” as a chubby newlywed, but a bunch of them were from Eastern European relatives unused to the Rubenesque American 20-something.
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