Asking out an older man at work

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Rascalking said:
Then let it get you excited, silly! Have some fun-flirt, be happy, just be careful.

There is no law or cathecism rule saying you can’t do those things!
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Um, yeah there is. It is called common sense. And how do I remember one friend who crashed and burned in a relationship like this, being lectured later by a male friend the age of the guy who jilted her:
“What, you thought the rules didn’t apply to you?” I can hear him as if he said it yesterday.

There is no rule in the catechism against being a rock band groupie, either, but it is a truly bad idea. But oh well…if to OP has to learn the hard way, then have some fun, flirt, be happy, just be careful, and learn the hard way. Be very very, careful, though.

(That last line made me feel as if I just told someone planning to rob a bank to wear a flak jacket. Don’t do it and be careful. Just don’t do it.)
 
It is a big age difference, but you seem to already have found some things in common, and that’s what you can build on. Personally, I wouldn’t seek him out specifically to ask him out, it’s kind of awkward. I’d wait until you meet naturally (even if you have to orchastrate it) and use that comfortable conversation to suggest that the two of you meet after work for a drink or coffee. That allows him to choose coffee if he is uncomfortable with alcohol. I wouldn’t ask him out for dinner or a concert, because it sounds too much like a date, too much expectation. Go ahead…take a chance.🙂
 
EasterJoy said:
Um, yeah there is. It is called common sense. And how do I remember one friend who crashed and burned in a relationship like this, being lectured later by a male friend the age of the guy who jilted her:
“What, you thought the rules didn’t apply to you?” I can hear him as if he said it yesterday.

There is no rule in the catechism against being a rock band groupie, either, but it is a truly bad idea. But oh well…if to OP has to learn the hard way, then have some fun, flirt, be happy, just be careful, and learn the hard way. Be very very, careful, though.

(That last line made me feel as if I just told someone planning to rob a bank to wear a flak jacket. Don’t do it and be careful. Just don’t do it.)
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Your right. Instead, we should be colorless. Don’t have fun. Don’t flirt. Don’t have any emotions at all.

Common sense-interesting, I always tell people to use that as well. Funny how it can have different meanings.
 
collettejohns said:
I wish I could remove the feelings that I have because if I think about it rationally, I know it’s probably not the BEST idea but it does get me excited about going to work every day lol. 👍
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If your intuition is screaming at you that this is not the best idea, then do yourself a favor: Listen to it! If you follow every cue your weak knees give you, you are going to wind up like a bad version of some character out of “Sex and the City.” Just don’t go there. We all do enough things we regret later under the best of circumstances.
 
kib said:
A 30 year old woman just asked me out to lunch two days ago, that is the next best thing! I do have a thing for older women!
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I like older women as well, I know excatly what you mean. As mentioned before, the most important woman to me (aside from my dear mum and sisters) is several years older.
 
Rascalking said:
Your right. Instead, we should be colorless. Don’t have fun. Don’t flirt. Don’t have any emotions at all.

Common sense-interesting, I always tell people to use that as well. Funny how it can have different meanings.
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Did I say don’t flirt or don’t have any emotions? I said flirt with someone who isn’t going to own the whole relationship and don’t let your emotions run you.

It is colorless to run after things that you have to know you’re going to regret? That’s the kind of “colorful” that gets people into bad marriages and prematurely out of good ones. It is not as if stupid relationships don’t hurt anyone. Colorful is great in its place, but bruises are colorful, too. Sometimes, it is beige that is beautiful.
 
But you see, it is hard for men to pursue older women- they’re never interested!
 
EasterJoy said:
Did I say don’t flirt or don’t have any emotions? I said flirt with someone who isn’t going to own the whole relationship and don’t let your emotions run you.

It is colorless to run after things that you have to know you’re going to regret? That’s the kind of “colorful” that gets people into bad marriages and prematurely out of good ones. It is not as if stupid relationships don’t hurt anyone. Colorful is great in its place, but bruises are colorful, too. Sometimes, it is beige that is beautiful.
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EasterJoy, I have the feeling this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

Again, try to remember the humor in these posts, even if doesn’t come though the computer, it’s still there.
 
kib said:
But you see, it is hard for men to pursue older women- they’re never interested!
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I’ve always thought they where MORE interested than young ones. Younger ladies (for the most part) are just into flings and partying. Alot of the older women I’ve met have been more interested in getting to actually know you.
 
collettejohns said:
I have a thing for older men lol.
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I married a guy 8 years older and have friends happily married to men who are 10 years older. The relationships work with an 18 year span are out there, but they aren’t those where the younger party goes in hardly able to contain herself. At your age, probably half of the guys aren’t even mature enough to bother with in any serious manner (in our times, that is). The problem is, we women get the idea that we’re far ahead, just because we’re far ahead of our male peers. Get into a relationship with a mature man, and we can find out the hard way how lacking in maturity we are. Now add on that many of us go through a second immaturity and lack of judgment in–you guessed it!–the mid 40s to mid 50s! Do you see why I see doom written all over this?

I’m not saying you cannot ever have a relationship with this guy. I am saying to back off until your senses have cleared enough to heed the warning signs when you see them. Back off just to know that you can back off. A man that much older than you has much more experience and is going to have more sway in the relationship as it is. If you’re going to hold your own, you have to have a very strong sense of yourself. Your posts, OTOH, are screaming “I have lost all sense of myself over this guy!” That is kind of sweet when he is young enough that he might be in much the same position. When he’s lots older, then you need to be more level-headed. Not cold-hearted, but you have to have yourself in hand, even as your heart pitter-pats. Otherwise, there are just too many things working against a success in the long term.

Besides, you’ll be less attractive if you’re panting. A decent 43 year old man wants to have a partner who has a sense of herself. He doesn’t want a doormat or someone he can run as he pleases. You’re going to need to show you’re not the average 25 year old, if he’s worth catching. If he’s not worth catching, you REALLY don’t want to catch him, trust me on that one.
 
Rascalking said:
EasterJoy, I have the feeling this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

Again, try to remember the humor in these posts, even if doesn’t come though the computer, it’s still there.
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Yeah, well, after what you told all your other female friends, you’re kind of starting over again, aren’t you? 😃

(Wouldn’t be stuck with me, if you had more common sense! 😉 )
 
EasterJoy said:
I married a guy 8 years older and have friends happily married to men who are 10 years older. The relationships work with an 18 year span are out there, but they aren’t those where the younger party goes in hardly able to contain herself. At your age, probably half of the guys aren’t even mature enough to bother with in any serious manner (in our times, that is). The problem is, we women get the idea that we’re far ahead, just because we’re far ahead of our male peers. Get into a relationship with a mature man, and we can find out the hard way how lacking in maturity we are. Now add on that many of us go through a second immaturity and lack of judgment in–you guessed it!–the mid 40s to mid 50s! Do you see why I see doom written all over this?

I’m not saying you cannot ever have a relationship with this guy. I am saying to back off until your senses have cleared enough to heed the warning signs when you see them. Back off just to know that you can back off. A man that much older than you has much more experience and is going to have more sway in the relationship as it is. If you’re going to hold your own, you have to have a very strong sense of yourself. Your posts, OTOH, are screaming “I have lost all sense of myself over this guy!” That is kind of sweet when he is young enough that he might be in much the same position. When he’s lots older, then you need to be more level-headed. Not cold-hearted, but you have to have yourself in hand, even as your heart pitter-pats. Otherwise, there are just too many things working against a success in the long term.

Besides, you’ll be less attractive if you’re panting. A decent 43 year old man wants to have a partner who has a sense of herself. He doesn’t want a doormat or someone he can run as he pleases. You’re going to need to show you’re not the average 25 year old, if he’s worth catching. If he’s not worth catching, you REALLY don’t want to catch him, trust me on that one.
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I understand what you are saying. Thank you for the clarification. I think you brought up a lot of good points that I need to think more about.
 
collettejohns said:
So there is this man who works in the office across from mine and he has caught my eye ever since I started working there. We have spoken a few times and I would like to get to know him better. I look forward to seeing him and I make sure to look extra nice in case we run into each other. I know that we have a few things in common like we are both from France so we speak to each other in French every now and then.

I know that he is single (thanks to facebook haha) and I would like to ask him to get a drink after work but I’m nervous. I am 25 and he is 43. Is that too much of an age gap? I also don’t want to just out of nowhere ask him to get a drink and I put him in an awkward position because he is totally not interested.

I know that office dating is usually a no no but we don’t work for the same company and my company is moving to a new location after the new year so we won’t see each other in case things get weird.

He seems like a nice guy, I find him attractive, and he is accomplished. Do you think asking him out is just a bad idea? Should I wait for him to pursue me? Sometimes I worry he might not think I’m interested because he is much older. What is a good way to let him know I’m interested?

Any advice would be awesome! 👍
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You go girl. 👍

Even if he’s not interested, you’ll make his week. Getting asked out by a 25 year old. . .sheesh!

I don’t think the age diff. is that big a deal so long as you’re serious and he’s serious. Check out the bible if you wanna see some serious age differences.

I’d invite him to lunch. It’s not too forward and if he’s interested he can move it to dinner the next time.
 
Augusta_Sans said:
My rule has always been that the age difference doesn’t matter if we can spend time with each others’ friends and family without feeling uncomfortable about the age gap.
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Not your fault, but that hit a little close to home. Ouch.
 
What do you want in life? Do you want kids? Picture yourself in 5 or 10 years. How old will he be when you have your first, how old will he be when they’re 18? Takes a lot of energy to raise kids. I barely get any sleep raising three right now (19, 14 and 12).

A lot depends on why he’s single, what his history is. Does he have kids, how many? If he does, where are they? Does he have full/partial custody etc.

A lot of things you should find out before even letting yourself wonder about where this could lead. Don’t let your emotions run away with you. He may truly be a wonderful man, but just not the one compatible with your life goals. But you could certainly get to know him as a friend, learn what it is you like about him and will want to find in someone closer to your own age.

I’m 49 and recently divorced. Wife left about a year ago. I’m pretty much a basket case mentally and emotionally and I would be a disaster for anyone simply because I haven’t sorted myself out. Since I’m catholic I’m not on the market (and still praying for reconciliation). But I have a female co-worker who’s gotten involved with a couple of separated or recently divorced men and ended up with a lot of heartache finding out the hard way about rebound relationships. Don’t know the story on your guy but just sayin…

Ultimately, when you’re 80 and look back on your life, if you think you will regret not asking him out- then do it. But for something casual like a lunch/coffee break just to start getting a feel for who he is.
 
Since it’s a catholic site, I’ll just throw in there that you want to make sure he’s a good person, along with being a good looking person, but my advice is to ask him out. You’ll always wonder if he would have accepted if you didn’t. And by asking him out, you’ll have your answer. Simple as that.
 
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