At my wits end with a lying husband

[alphabet]

My dad was a smoker. My mom hated it as she lost her own father, a smoker, to a heart attack when she was in high school. I remember begging my dad to quit as a child. I remember taping the surgeon general’s warnings up on the bathroom mirror where he couldn’t possibly miss it. He wasn’t allowed to smoke in our house and he snuck around behind my mom’s back with his smoking many a time.
Finally at 51 all on his own he quit. It finally hit him when he chain smoked all the way on his commute home that his smoking was out of control. BUT he did it all on his own. He didn’t tell my mom or anyone else he was quitting because he didn’t want any of that outside pressure. Needless to say he had tried many times before but this was the first time he really did it for himself and was finally successful.
Your husband really truly needs to do this all on his own and the best thing you can do is “let go and let God”.
Ironically 7 years after my dad quit smoking, he was diagnosed with lung cancer. He lived 5 years with lung cancer, which is a lifetime when you get that diagnosis. Lung cancer is a very scary reality and it can hit much younger than many realize.
Please put your insecurities in God’s hands and trust in him to bring you comfort.

 

[flyingfish]

I don’t think he is necessarily lying.

He wants to quit, he is trying to quit, but he slips up. But in his mind it may not seem like he is lying, because he is still struggling with it.

I don’t think it’s fair for you to say your husband is lying. Chances are he is struggling with an addiction, and may be trying his best and still failing from time to time.

Lying would be if he never intended to quit, but told you that he did and pretended to. (And even if this is true, I don’t think it’s such a big deal, because I don’t think its completely fair of you to demand this of him. Yes he is harming his God-given body, but that is between him and God.)

 

[SavedByHim]

Oh my gosh people, I am NOT demanding that he quit!!!

OK, let’s take the smoking out of the situation. Let’s say he lied about something else. It’s NOT the smoking. It’s the lying. I asked him if he was using again, and he said No. That is a lie. Lies = not a good thing for a marriage.

I guess I’m not getting anywhere on this thread because everyone is focusing on the smoking issue and that’s not my issue. I am having a hard time with the fact that I feel like I have lost my trust in him.

I’m sorry if my posts are not reflecting that.

 

[flyingfish]

Oh my gosh people, I am NOT demanding that he quit!!!

OK, let’s take the smoking out of the situation. Let’s say he lied about something else. It’s NOT the smoking. It’s the lying. I asked him if he was using again, and he said No. That is a lie. Lies = not a good thing for a marriage.

I guess I’m not getting anywhere on this thread because everyone is focusing on the smoking issue and that’s not my issue. I am having a hard time with the fact that I feel like I have lost my trust in him.

I’m sorry if my posts are not reflecting that.

But he is not really lying! He is not telling you he’s trying to quit without any intention of doing so, simply to make you think he is. He is sincerely trying, but he slips up, but in his mind this is not him lying to you. It’s him being too weak to stay nicotine free. Maybe he does not inform you every time he slips, but this is not lying. Maybe he thinks “I slipped, but now I am resolving to stop again”, so he thinks what he told you is true.

Why do you feel that him not informing you of every slip up = lying about quitting? He is quitting, relapsing, quitting etc.

You need to tell him all these things that you are saying, have him read the thread. He needs to know that you feel like you lost his trust in him. And you need to talk about it with him and fix it, or it won’t do your marriage any good.

Maybe he needs to know that it’s okay if he slips up, so he wont be so afraid to tell you.

 

[rayne89]

Does he lie to you about anything else? If this is not a pattern of lying than in this particular case it is about the smoking. Why are you asking a question you already know the answer to? Smoking is not easy to hide especially from a non-smoker -the smell is easy to pick up. So when you ask are you smoking again -you already know, or at least are pretty sure. His need to not look like a failure in your eyes (especially when finances are so tight -which can make him feel like a failure to his family) his overwhelming is usual ability to be honest with you. Shame is a horrible thing, especially for a man. And nicotine addiction can be extremely difficult to overcome especially when other stressors are in your life -like a man having difficulty providing enough income for his family.

Pray for hubby and give him encouragement and support. Don’t ask a question you already know the answer to, perpetuating a cycle of shame, dishonestly and more shame for being dishonest.

 

[Middleman]

Oh my gosh people, I am NOT demanding that he quit!!!

OK, let’s take the smoking out of the situation. Let’s say he lied about something else. It’s NOT the smoking. It’s the lying. I asked him if he was using again, and he said No. That is a lie. Lies = not a good thing for a marriage.

I guess I’m not getting anywhere on this thread because everyone is focusing on the smoking issue and that’s not my issue. I am having a hard time with the fact that I feel like I have lost my trust in him.

I’m sorry if my posts are not reflecting that.

I believe people are trying to help uncover possible causes for your husband lying in response to your questions. They wonder if he is somehow feeling pressured by you in some way, therefore afraid to be open with you.

My suggestion on this issue was to stop putting him on the spot with queries about his smoking. I suspect that he wants more privacy in his struggle with giving up smoking.

Think about, as example, if you got pimples easily and had a hard time resisting squeezing them, leaving red marks on your face and you told your husband that you were not going to pick them anymore. You were trying to quit picking your pimples and making progress, but slipped up and picked one or two pimples, leaving red marks on your face.

How would your feel if he then asked you “Have you been picking pimples again?”

I’ll bet that would put you on the spot and make you feel like he was your nagging parent.

 

[sarahraegraham]

I would like to make another comment regarding the issue on the possible sinfulness of his actions. My point in bringing it up in the first place was that if his actions are sinful and he is enlightened to that if it be, then that may change his thinking and make him less inclined to lie about it and perhaps even more inclined to even seek your help or counsel. This is what happened with my husband. He would lie to me about it as well. But once he realized he was just compounding sin, that I wasn’t judging him, but just trying to help, it fixed our problem of him lying about and hiding it from me. So, if it worked for us, I’m just trying to suggest that it might work for you and/or someone else too.

I hope you both can make some headway on this issue.

 

[SavedByHim]

Why do you feel that him not informing you of every slip up = lying about quitting? He is quitting, relapsing, quitting etc.

You need to tell him all these things that you are saying, have him read the thread. He needs to know that you feel like you lost his trust in him. And you need to talk about it with him and fix it, or it won’t do your marriage any good.

Maybe he needs to know that it’s okay if he slips up, so he wont be so afraid to tell you.

I’m not sure why I feel that way… I guess I was always taught that a lie by omission is still a lie. “Don’t ask don’t tell” hasn’t been a common theme in our marriage, so I’m having a hard time adopting that here. And I have told him so many times that it IS OK if he slips up, I understand. But he says it’s hard for him to believe that.

His need to not look like a failure in your eyes (especially when finances are so tight -which can make him feel like a failure to his family) his overwhelming is usual ability to be honest with you. Shame is a horrible thing, especially for a man. And nicotine addiction can be extremely difficult to overcome especially when other stressors are in your life -like a man having difficulty providing enough income for his family.

That is a very interesting way of looking at it… you’re right: when I ask, it’s because I already suspect. I ask the question because I want to open us up for some dialogue… see if he needs my support, etc. but I don’t do it to make him feel shameful! I wonder if he is feeling that way! That makes me sad…

Think about, as example, if you got pimples easily and had a hard time resisting squeezing them, leaving red marks on your face and you told your husband that you were not going to pick them anymore. You were trying to quit picking your pimples and making progress, but slipped up and picked one or two pimples, leaving red marks on your face.

How would your feel if he then asked you “Have you been picking pimples again?”

I’ll bet that would put you on the spot and make you feel like he was your nagging parent.

Very good analogy! If this is indeed how he is feeling, I need to apologize to him, because that is not my intent.

But once he realized he was just compounding sin, that I wasn’t judging him, but just trying to help, it fixed our problem of him lying about and hiding it from me. So, if it worked for us, I’m just trying to suggest that it might work for you and/or someone else too.

Thank you for that. I agree that I need to be clearer with him regarding my intent… maybe he truly doesn’t see that I just want to be able to help him since I know firsthand how hard it can be.

We actually had a really good talk last night. I had him read the thread and then asked him for my thoughts. He laughed that everyone was giving me a hard time about nagging him to quit because he knows it’s not true.

Anyways, we talked about some things in our marriage and in our pasts that are a little bit deeper than just lying about smoking that we know is contributing to this situation and I think as long as we keep talking and keep praying, I am hopeful that I can gain his trust again.

I appreciate all your feedback. Thank you for helping me see the situation differently.

 

[whatevergirl]

*I find it sadly surprising that in my social circles, coworkers, and on here as well…that there is this notion that smoking is not ‘that big of a deal,’ and that it somehow isn’t immoral. I can’t judge who is in a state of sin or not…but if we are using vices to make us ‘happy’ or gratified’ and the vice is dangerous…like smoking…why are we defending this? I might be a little biased, coming from a background where I lost my dad directly to his heavy use of cigarettes, BUT…shouldn’t we want the best for our spouses? If our spouses were smoking crack, would we not say anything? Smoking cigarettes is a HORRIBLE AND EXTREMELY UNHEALTHY habit. It’s not like the OP is trying to have control over her husband or something…she is truly concerned for his health.

I want my husband around for a long time. We don’t know when we’ll die but smoking is a slow death. It is not just about lung cancer…it causes a myriad of problems…and it sounds like the OP’s husband is a heavy smoker, if she’s worried about their family budget over it.

Please stop defending this bad habit, and making it sound like the OP should just get over it. If you love your spouse, you would not want them to be smoking, let alone as much as the OP’s husband is. She loves him and doesn’t want him to harm himself. I think that is a beautiful thing. I do agree with some of you who say that she shouldn’t nag (I have been that route and it doesn’t work) but no way would I stop expressing my opinion about it, as though smoking is not a big deal. It’s a very big deal…

I am praying for your husband, OP, that he kicks the habit once and for all…and that God enlightens you with the best and kindest way to approach your husband on it. :hug1:*

 

[Middleman]

It sounds like you had a good conversation! You’re a good woman.

 

[rayne89]

*I find it sadly surprising that in my social circles, coworkers, and on here as well…that there is this notion that smoking is not ‘that big of a deal,’ and that it somehow isn’t immoral. I can’t judge who is in a state of sin or not…but if we are using vices to make us ‘happy’ or gratified’ and the vice is dangerous…like smoking…why are we defending this? I might be a little biased, coming from a background where I lost my dad directly to his heavy use of cigarettes, BUT…shouldn’t we want the best for our spouses? If our spouses were smoking crack, would we not say anything? Smoking cigarettes is a HORRIBLE AND EXTREMELY UNHEALTHY habit. It’s not like the OP is trying to have control over her husband or something…she is truly concerned for his health.

I want my husband around for a long time. We don’t know when we’ll die but smoking is a slow death. It is not just about lung cancer…it causes a myriad of problems…and it sounds like the OP’s husband is a heavy smoker, if she’s worried about their family budget over it.

Please stop defending this bad habit, and making it sound like the OP should just get over it. If you love your spouse, you would not want them to be smoking, let alone as much as the OP’s husband is. She loves him and doesn’t want him to harm himself. I think that is a beautiful thing. I do agree with some of you who say that she shouldn’t nag (I have been that route and it doesn’t work) but no way would I stop expressing my opinion about it, as though smoking is not a big deal. It’s a very big deal…

I am praying for your husband, OP, that he kicks the habit once and for all…and that God enlightens you with the best and kindest way to approach your husband on it. :hug1:*

As someone who loathes smoking, and frightened of cancer I would never say its not a big deal. My husband was a smoker and I spent years nagging, talking, explaining my fears etc. He tried to quite a few times but always went back. It is disrespectful to treat a grown man like a child that needs to be mothered and I learned that the hard way (not saying the OP is doing that). He finally quit on his own a few years after I had learned to leave it be. He never smoked in our home, or vehicles or near our daughter -but he was addicted and had to work it out on his own, without the stress of me hovering over him. He finally did quit about 5 years ago for good. He decided on his own to quit, I encouraged him once he made the decision but there was no pressure from me.

 

[Middleman]

Society makes a huge deal out of smoking, more so than it does overeating, which also decreases the quality of life and shortens it. How would all you fatties like it if your spouse grilled you every time you slipped up and ate a piece of chocolate cake?

The OP sounds like she’s trying to be sensitive to her husband’s struggle however.

 

[whatevergirl]

As someone who loathes smoking, and frightened of cancer I would never say its not a big deal. My husband was a smoker and I spent years nagging, talking, explaining my fears etc. He tried to quite a few times but always went back. It is disrespectful to treat a grown man like a child that needs to be mothered and I learned that the hard way (not saying the OP is doing that). He finally quit on his own a few years after I had learned to leave it be. He never smoked in our home, or vehicles or near our daughter -but he was addicted and had to work it out on his own, without the stress of me hovering over him. He finally did quit about 5 years ago for good. He decided on his own to quit, I encouraged him once he made the decision but there was no pressure from me.

*I agree…I think that ultimately, the person needs to do the hard part, and work on quitting. But, I have read through this thread and sentiments like…‘is this all he lies about?’ As if smoking is somehow not that bad…just another vice. If he were consuming large quanitites of alcohol everyday…we’d answer differently…smoking is a killer, just like alcoholism, just like diabetes, just like obesity, just like drugs, just like a number of things. I think we tend to view it, because it’s legal, as acceptable…it’s not acceptable, and my husband needs to walk the walk, if he wants our kids to not smoke. (which he doesn’t) He has quit, and I am with you–I stopped nagging, (dd was quite relentless) and was encouraging. I just think that we need to treat this addiction like any addiction, it’s not less harmful than others. The CCC talks about how smoking isn’t inherently immoral…but, all addictions are unhealthy, and we should try our best to use things in moderation. Smoking should not be ‘used in moderation,’ in my eyes…but that is my opinion.

Thx for your reply, I agree with you, as it relates to how to cope with a smoker in the house.*

 

[SavedByHim]

*She loves him and doesn’t want him to harm himself. I think that is a beautiful thing. I do agree with some of you who say that she shouldn’t nag (I have been that route and it doesn’t work) but no way would I stop expressing my opinion about it, as though smoking is not a big deal. It’s a very big deal…

I am praying for your husband, OP, that he kicks the habit once and for all…and that God enlightens you with the best and kindest way to approach your husband on it. :hug1:*

Thank you for this! I am coming from a place of love in this whole situation, but I think maybe I am just not expressing that clearly enough to him. I am so sorry you have first-hand knowledge of what smoking can do to a person.

He decided on his own to quit, I encouraged him once he made the decision but there was no pressure from me.

How did you encourage him once he made the decision? That’s the stage where my DH and I are and I am figuring out that maybe I am not encouraging him in the right way. Although, I can’t really encourage him if he isn’t telling me when he’s struggling.

 

[SavedByHim]

It sounds like you had a good conversation! You’re a good woman.

Thank you for that. I think I fail many times but I certainly do try.

 

[whatevergirl]

Society makes a huge deal out of smoking, more so than it does overeating, which also decreases the quality of life and shortens it. How would all you fatties like it if your spouse grilled you every time you slipped up and ate a piece of chocolate cake?

The OP sounds like she’s trying to be sensitive to her husband’s struggle however.

*Agreed…we should do our best to encourage each other in marriage, to live healthfully…eating habits, smoking, etc…it all plays into it. Just because something is legal, doesn’t mean it’s healthy. Chronic overeating, not taking care of one’s self, smoking–it all causes us to turn a little away from God. How we treat our bodies does matter to God. Again, we’re all sinners, and we are not the judges, I can only encourage and help my family to make good decisions. And no, I wouldn’t want my husband to sit by while I choose an unhealthy lifestyle…there would be no concern as my husband, in that. This isn’t my opinion, it’s in the Bible, we are to treat our bodies as temples of the Lord. *

 

[whatevergirl]

Thank you for that. I think I fail many times but I certainly do try.

I think you’re doing great too…and your concern for his health is beautiful. I think that once he kicks the habit (not if, but when) he will see that you meant well all along.

 

[Middleman]

*Agreed…we should do our best to encourage each other in marriage, to live healthfully…eating habits, smoking, etc…it all plays into it. Just because something is legal, doesn’t mean it’s healthy. Chronic overeating, not taking care of one’s self, smoking–it all causes us to turn a little away from God. How we treat our bodies does matter to God. Again, we’re all sinners, and we are not the judges, I can only encourage and help my family to make good decisions. And no, I wouldn’t want my husband to sit by while I choose an unhealthy lifestyle…there would be no concern as my husband, in that. This isn’t my opinion, it’s in the Bible, we are to treat our bodies as temples of the Lord. *

I wish our Church would emphasize healthy living more.

 

[whatevergirl]

Thank you for this! I am coming from a place of love in this whole situation, but I think maybe I am just not expressing that clearly enough to him. I am so sorry you have first-hand knowledge of what smoking can do to a person.

How did you encourage him once he made the decision? That’s the stage where my DH and I are and I am figuring out that maybe I am not encouraging him in the right way. Although, I can’t really encourage him if he isn’t telling me when he’s struggling.

You can maybe make a chart of progress, or maybe have a money jar…every week he goes without smoking…put whatever he would have spent into that jar. When my husband saw how much money over time he was spending on the habit, he couldn’t believe it. Men are visual, they do well with visual aids, and signs of improvement. It helped my husband considerably, but also prayer. I would pray with my husband, and then at the end, I would say…Mary, please pray for my dh that he can quit smoking soon. My husband now appreciated it, but believe me, there were some tense moments over his smoking. Not proud of how I always handled it, but I too came from a place of love and concern.

 

[BillP]

I guess I’m not getting anywhere on this thread because everyone is focusing on the smoking issue and that’s not my issue. I am having a hard time with the fact that I feel like I have lost my trust in him.

I think you should divorce him and go find yourself someone you can trust completely.