At my wits end with a lying husband

[mistfall]

I gotta agree with middleman. Your husband told you why he lied; he hates the thought that he might look like a failure in your eyes. He wants to be your strong hero, not a weakling who got beat by nicotine. When you point out that you “caught” him, it’s as if the person he most wants to impress in the world witnessed him getting his butt kicked by an opponent and is rubbing his nose in it.

You know he hasn’t beaten it, and he knows that you know; sure it would be great if he had the humility to admit it, but is it really that important to point out to him that you know?

 

[trapped]

My husband did the same thing with chewing tobacco a few years ago. He would hide it and when I “caught” him, he would promise to stop. Until I would catch him again. Each time I would be more and more angry. It is a betrayal of trust. He finally stopped because he said he felt like such a rotten liar and he felt guilty all the time so it made him want to stop using tobacco so that he wouldn’t feel that way anymore.

Any addiction is like this. You can’t make him stop. But also you can allow, enable or encourage his use. It is a hard place to be.

Pray for him. Pray for yourself and your family. I will pray for you, too. I know exactly how hurtful his behavior is.

 

[SavedByHim]

Thanks to all for the new replies of advice and support. I really am beginning to see WHY my DH has lied… even though that still doesn’t make it right and that still doesn’t heal the betrayal I feel.

Shelby and trapped, thank you so much for your posts. I really feel like you understand what we are going through.

There has been a lot of good advice and I pray that if there is a “next time”, I will handle it in a way that makes my husband feel he can open up to me.

 

[nancy_dalrymple]

Yes, I think you shouldn’t ask him how he’s doing when you suspect he’s backslidden. Leave him to his own journey on quitting. Obviously he starts out with good intentions and then slips up. He might need to do that for a while and it will be easier if you don’t monitor the situation too closely.

How can smoking be back sliding? I read all things in moderation and my husband smokes but outside cause I will not suffer the smell in the house. He never has quit and proberly never will. I do not push him cause there are alot of things worst in life like cheating and lieing, Now that is something you worry about. Not me but most people do.Again I dont mention it so he never has done it.He is home every night and does not drink. Yes leave him on his own journey. the more you care! the more dispare! LOL Nancy

 

[Tomb54]

Thanks to all for the new replies of advice and support. I really am beginning to see WHY my DH has lied… even though that still doesn’t make it right and that still doesn’t heal the betrayal I feel.

Shelby and trapped, thank you so much for your posts. I really feel like you understand what we are going through.

There has been a lot of good advice and I pray that if there is a “next time”, I will handle it in a way that makes my husband feel he can open up to me.

One other thing to try is to tell him each day that you love him and you are so proud of him for trying to stop smoking. As stated before if he is slipping these comments will make him feel guilty and this may give him more insentive to stick with it so he will not feel this increased guilt of letting you and himself down. I know I am not saying this quite right but I hope you understand what I mean,

 

[Rkirby]

Some think that Saved shouldn’t ask her husband because that is CAUSING him to lie. Personal responsibility is still required even though one’s head my be befuddled by nicotine. We may not blame others for our own weaknesses and sin.

I don’t think the wife asking is causing the husband to lie. It’s his fault only that he lies. I just think it’s plain stupid to ask a question that you already know the answer to and give an opportunity for sin to occur. She’s knows when he lapses, why beat around the bush. She should just say directly that she knows what he is doing. Giving opportunity for failure of character does not help the situation any. I think this is getting blown out of proportion. Yes, smoking and smokeless tobacco is bad for you.

Do you have kids? Get them to work on your husband. That’s what made my parents quit smoking.

 

[nancy_dalrymple]

I don’t think the wife asking is causing the husband to lie. It’s his fault only that he lies. I just think it’s plain stupid to ask a question that you already know the answer to and give an opportunity for sin to occur. She’s knows when he lapses, why beat around the bush. She should just say directly that she knows what he is doing. Giving opportunity for failure of character does not help the situation any. I think this is getting blown out of proportion. Yes, smoking and smokeless tobacco is bad for you.

Do you have kids? Get them to work on your husband. That’s what made my parents quit smoking.

HI Rkirby, Welcome to CAF and i hope you learn alot as I am trying to but for me it is not easy because i rebel and i am working on that. You are Loved Nancy PS I dont know if you are a man or not but I recently went to the web and looked up Do Catholic men lie alot? And I got this for an answer"ALL men lie" It is not just Catholic but All men lie, so i hope that ws a help to this post> LOL Nancy

 

[jcjennie]

SBH,
I know exactly what you mean - this issue has nothing to do with smoking. Although I’m having the exact same situation with my DH. It’s not that I dragged a lie out of him - it’s that we had talked about him quitting for his health (he has diabetes), he was a very light and casual smoker - and he promised sincerely and lovingly that he was done with it. I went away from the conversation feeling good about our relationship. Then I smelled smoke on him the very next day - and again, and again, and again…

It’s the perpetual empty promises and lying that hurts. I do feel bad for you - he may well be lying about other things too. It’s taken me 12 years of marriage to realize how many lies he’s told me - and he continues to. I’m at my wits end too, counseling isn’t helping (we’ve been at it for 4 years and the marriage has only gotten worse.) Finally my therapist said maybe I have to accept that this IS the status quo. (There’s many other problems). So…the only thing I can do is pray like St. Monica did for Augustine. Sometimes it’s helpful to realize that Jesus is your One Friend who will NEVER lie to you, so give everything you have emotionally to Him. My confessor told me - give all your anger about your husband to God - even if you have to do it 100 times a day. I’ll pray for you too.

 

[Rkirby]

HI Rkirby, Welcome to CAF and i hope you learn alot as I am trying to but for me it is not easy because i rebel and i am working on that. You are Loved Nancy PS I dont know if you are a man or not but I recently went to the web and looked up Do Catholic men lie alot? And I got this for an answer"ALL men lie" It is not just Catholic but All men lie, so i hope that ws a help to this post> LOL Nancy

I’m a woman. Your PS is funny. My mom used to have a refrigerator magnet that said “Women’s faults are many/men have but two/everything they say/and everything they do.” I loved that magnet. But I must say it is not true. There are many men who are wonderful single men and wonderful spouses.

God bless you for your trying to learn. God help you to put your rebelliousness toward good. Amen

 

[ac_claire]

Sounds like you and your husband are making some progress, Saved.

Yes smoking is an addiction. It’s not just difficult to quit…it can be beyond belief, ridiculously difficult to quit. It’s one of those things that is often hard to understand unless you’ve experienced it yourself.

It does sound like your husband might be at the stage where he theoretically does want to quit smoking, but he might not be ready to actually quit. And he might not even be aware of that, and that’s why he keeps slipping up. There’s wanting to quit and there’s wanting to want to quit lol. These are two distinct stages in recovery, but sometimes one can be mistaken for the other. Unfortunately there’s no way to “make” someone want to quit. It’s not gonna take until they want it and are ready, willing and able to do it.

I have a purely theoretical question for you, Saved. Think about the possibility that your husband might not ever 100% quit smoking. Don’t get upset or defensive, this is theoretical-- just think about it. How are you prepared to deal with it, if your husband never completely is able to quit smoking?

 

[SavedByHim]

I just think it’s plain stupid to ask a question that you already know the answer to and give an opportunity for sin to occur. She’s knows when he lapses, why beat around the bush…

Do you have kids? Get them to work on your husband. That’s what made my parents quit smoking.

I understand that if I already KNEW he was using tobacco again, it would be stupid and basically be entrapment, but I don’t ever know for sure. I merely suspect. But, I understand your point.

Yes, we have children, but I’m not sure I want them dragged into this. Right now, they think daddy quit and they are so happy for him. (As much as children ages 5 and under can understand and be happy for someone for quitting smoking. )

One other thing to try is to tell him each day that you love him and you are so proud of him for trying to stop smoking.

I think that is very sound advice… too often I may focus on the negative, and it’s just as important to give praise and highlight the positive.

SBH,
I know exactly what you mean - this issue has nothing to do with smoking. Although I’m having the exact same situation with my DH.

I’m sorry your marriage is having its time of trials too. I will pray for you and your situation as well!

I have a purely theoretical question for you, Saved. Think about the possibility that your husband might not ever 100% quit smoking. Don’t get upset or defensive, this is theoretical-- just think about it. How are you prepared to deal with it, if your husband never completely is able to quit smoking?

I realize this is a very good possibility. I’ve thought about it and there would probably be some resentment on my part. I’m sure I would resent the money he would be spending on it, and since I am an ex-smoker, I would probably feel like “if he can do smoke, well then I might as well too” (totally illogical I know, but I think I would have those feelings.)

 

[empacae]

I think his lying is a symptom of his own shame for feeling like he’s failed you. Should you confront him again, and he continues to lie to you. Treat it as though he made a full confession of his offence put your arm around him and tell him, “It’s okay dear, I’m sure you’ll nip this in the butt in time.”

Just a thought.

I usually let people lie to me without rebuking them. Their lie is their own shame.

emp

 

[nancy_dalrymple]

I think his lying is a symptom of his own shame for feeling like he’s failed you. Should you confront him again, and he continues to lie to you. Treat it as though he made a full confession of his offence put your arm around him and tell him, “It’s okay dear, I’m sure you’ll nip this in the butt in time.”

Just a thought.

I usually let people lie to me without rebuking them. Their lie is their own shame.

emp

Love is Correction!