At what point do you just give up?

[Joy2day]

In my opinion, you need to feel that you really couldnt face breaking up with him, in order to know if u want to marry. If u could take it or leave it, then its not strong enough for marriage. If u feel that ur life is impossible without him, then ur up for marriage, cause marriage will test your commitment! It needs to be pretty strong in order to realistically expect it will last. Of course people do get married not worrying if it doesnt last, but thats another matter.

 

[sydney28]

Do not marry out of the fear that no one else will come along. Fear is a bad reason to marry. You need to choose marriage positively.

I certainly agree with this. Fear is what led me to my first marriage.

 

[Xantippe]

Some decisions are better made from the heart than the head. I think marriage is one of them.

I could be wrong, but it sounds to me like your heart is saying “no” but your head is saying “yes”. This post seems to be about overruling your heart.

And if you marry because you are afraid of never finding a suitable partner, is that the kind of trust that God asks of us?

Yes.

I think the OP probably would be OK marrying her boyfriend, but I’m enough of a romantic to think that one’s feelings at the prospect of marrying somebody should be more passionate than “OK” or “this is my last shot at motherhood–better take it.”

All of that “love is a choice” stuff is for the already married or people who have difficult relatives that they have to deal with, not for people discerning marriage. One should actually be eager and excited at the thought of starting married life.

And here’s another angle–what if the baby thing doesn’t work out? Would you be contented with your choice of this man if it turned out that you were infertile or you had a series of miscarriages? Does your boyfriend stand on his own merits?

 

[Xantippe]

With regard to the moving several states thing, that was a major investment in the relationship, but you did it to make sure that you and your boyfriend have a future. It was an experiment. And, as an old friend (a Russan physics teacher) used to say of things that don’t work out, a negative result is also a result. It provides just as much information as one that worked out.

It’s not totally clear yet how the experiment has turned out, but even if the relationship does not lead to marriage, you gave it a very fair trial and gave it the best possible chance to flourish. Your effort in moving was not a waste.

 

[sydney28]

Yes.

I think the OP probably would be OK marrying her boyfriend, but I’m enough of a romantic to think that one’s feelings at the prospect of marrying somebody should be more passionate than “OK” or “this is my last shot at motherhood–better take it.”

All of that “love is a choice” stuff is for the already married or people who have difficult relatives that they have to deal with, not for people discerning marriage. One should actually be eager and excited at the thought of starting married life.

And here’s another angle–what if the baby thing doesn’t work out? Would you be contented with your choice of this man if it turned out that you were infertile or you had a series of miscarriages? Does your boyfriend stand on his own merits?

Yes – this is what I have been getting at: “love is a choice” is for after marriage. We already have that, we missed out on the “I’m IN LOVE with you” part. And I guess it seems like if that hasn’t happened yet (after a year of on/off dating), it likely won’t ever.

I think that is the conclusion I take from most of the responses…

I imagine we will be having a “talk” in the next few days that will likely result in our break up. UGH. The thought of starting all over again is exhausting

 

[sydney28]

With regard to the moving several states thing, that was a major investment in the relationship, but you did it to make sure that you and your boyfriend have a future. It was an experiment. And, as an old friend (a Russan physics teacher) used to say of things that don’t work out, a negative result is also a result. It provides just as much information as one that worked out.

It’s not totally clear yet how the experiment has turned out, but even if the relationship does not lead to marriage, you gave it a very fair trial and gave it the best possible chance to flourish. Your effort in moving was not a waste.

Thank you

 

[acadiANNA]

Praying for you to make a decision that is in accordance with the will of God for you.

 

[CradleJourney]

I imagine we will be having a “talk” in the next few days that will likely result in our break up. UGH. The thought of starting all over again is exhausting

Or not … I spent 3 hours on the phone with my then boyfriend attempting to break up with him (it was early in the relationship - and I thought I just wasn’t feeling it), but I could never get the words out. Ended up marrying him - that was 17 years ago.

I’m not saying you SHOULD stay together. Only that sometimes it’s actually when (or after) you turn away that you start to realize that it’s really supposed to be - or not.

Just my thoughts. Wishing both of you the best - together or apart.

 

[EasterJoy]

Yes.

I think the OP probably would be OK marrying her boyfriend, but I’m enough of a romantic to think that one’s feelings at the prospect of marrying somebody should be more passionate than “OK” or “this is my last shot at motherhood–better take it.”

All of that “love is a choice” stuff is for the already married or people who have difficult relatives that they have to deal with, not for people discerning marriage. One should actually be eager and excited at the thought of starting married life.

And here’s another angle–what if the baby thing doesn’t work out? Would you be contented with your choice of this man if it turned out that you were infertile or you had a series of miscarriages? Does your boyfriend stand on his own merits?

It depends on the person. If you’re waiting to get all cranked up about someone before you marry him, you’d do well to ask yourself if anyone you know well or anything you love to do still has you cranked up. If you are the kind who loses your “cranked up” enthusiasm as soon as the colder side of reality hits you, settling instead into a more “balanced” set of feelings about those you know well, then you would do well to aim less for the spouse who arouses enthusiasm. That person probably isn’t out there, not unless you rush into a marriage before you have a change to lose your sense of excitement.

If, OTOH, you get all cranked up when you are going to be able to see someone you are very fond of or still feel a thrill when you get to do something you are most fond of doing or still feel like a kid every time Midnight Mass comes around again, but just haven’t found a romantic partner who gives you that sort of a thrill, well, then I’d say that holding out for Mr. Excitement is a far better prospect. If you want to wait, then sure, when you start dating someone and find that the excitement that your best relationships and most your favorite things elicit in you just isn’t there, don’t give up on finding that same excitement in a spouse. Keep looking, because sustaining that sort of excitement probably is in your emotional make-up.

Does that make sense? I’m just suggesting that the OP look at her personality and ask if what she is waiting for is something that her temperament is ever likely to give her. If yes, then sure, stay on the quest. If not, then maybe it is time to admit that you aren’t much different as a lover than you are as a friend or a sister or a sports fan. That’s OK. Just look at who you are, and go with that. Don’t let the romantic stories talk you into trying to make yourself over into someone you are not, or ask some guy to give you what nothing else in your life ever does.

 

[sydney28]

Or not … I spent 3 hours on the phone with my then boyfriend attempting to break up with him (it was early in the relationship - and I thought I just wasn’t feeling it), but I could never get the words out. Ended up marrying him - that was 17 years ago.

I’m not saying you SHOULD stay together. Only that sometimes it’s actually when (or after) you turn away that you start to realize that it’s really supposed to be - or not.

Just my thoughts. Wishing both of you the best - together or apart.

Oh wow

 

[sydney28]

It depends on the person. If you’re waiting to get all cranked up about someone before you marry him, you’d do well to ask yourself if anyone you know well or anything you love to do still has you cranked up. If you are the kind who loses your “cranked up” enthusiasm as soon as the colder side of reality hits you, settling instead into a more “balanced” set of feelings about those you know well, then you would do well to aim less for the spouse who arouses enthusiasm. That person probably isn’t out there, not unless you rush into a marriage before you have a change to lose your sense of excitement.

If, OTOH, you get all cranked up when you are going to be able to see someone you are very fond of or still feel a thrill when you get to do something you are most fond of doing or still feel like a kid every time Midnight Mass comes around again, but just haven’t found a romantic partner who gives you that sort of a thrill, well, then I’d say that holding out for Mr. Excitement is a far better prospect. If you want to wait, then sure, when you start dating someone and find that the excitement that your best relationships and most your favorite things elicit in you just isn’t there, don’t give up on finding that same excitement in a spouse. Keep looking, because sustaining that sort of excitement probably is in your emotional make-up.

Does that make sense? I’m just suggesting that the OP look at her personality and ask if what she is waiting for is something that her temperament is ever likely to give her. If yes, then sure, stay on the quest. If not, then maybe it is time to admit that you aren’t much different as a lover than you are as a friend or a sister or a sports fan. That’s OK. Just look at who you are, and go with that. Don’t let the romantic stories talk you into trying to make yourself over into someone you are not, or ask some guy to give you what nothing else in your life ever does.

I never knew if I could “fall in love” with someone because I had never dated anyone prior to my ex husband, and I definitely wasn’t “in love” with him. After our divorce/annulment I did date one other guy (prior to my current boyfriend) who I was head over heels in love with. I would have moved to the moon with this guy. We had our issues, but I still would have been crazy excited to marry him. Granted, it didn’t work out, and he ended up completely breaking my heart… looking back I recognize that he is not who God wanted me to marry. HOWEVER, I find it interesting that I was given that relationship - despite the heartbreak, it gave me a glimpse of what it feels like to be crazy about someone, and it made me recognize that I am ABLE to experience that sort of feeling for a man.

SO. I would say if that relationship had never happened, I probably wouldn’t be as torn up about not being “in love” with my current boyfriend. But I have that as a comparison…and he also has a similar situation where he was head over heels crazy about his ex girlfriend, and so he has THAT as a comparison.

 

[newf]

I think the fact that you keep talking about the ‘falling in love’ feeling, it IS important to you.

And the fact that you had that feeling with someone else, shows you how wonderful it is!

I don’t think you should sell yourself short. Fireworks matter. You can’t base a marriage on a feeling, but it’s still nice to have it along with all the other good things you need in a spouse.

I’ve got 35 yrs. of marriage going. We had fireworks for sure. And now we have what I would call molten lava from a volcano full of love. Still very hot, just moving at a slower pace! ha.

 

[EasterJoy]

OP, since your friend doesn’t have that thrilled feeling, either, talk with him about it. It’s a concern for you, and maybe it is a concern for him, too–either that he doesn’t feel it, or that you don’t.

Sometimes when this happens, the couple breaks up, and some time down the line becomes obvious that they miss each other terribly. An appreciation of what they had grows in. They get back together, but they’re better as a couple for having that experience. Otherwise, maybe one or both thinks, “It would be nice to see Bob/Sally and take in a movie,” but at least one doesn’t feel a serious loss. They realize they are missing a social companion, but not their other half. In that case, most of the time they move on and keep looking. As often as not, they feel as if they dodged a bullet.

If you decide to marry, jump in with both feet. Be able to say, “This or that isn’t there, but I’ve decided I DO NOT CARE! I’m in with you!” There will always be some “this” or “that,” after all. You just need to make certain it is something you’re quite willing to pass over. You’re going to have to pass over the things on the “con” list for a lifetime, so make a clearly positive choice in favor of the “pro” items. If you look at the “pro” vs “con” list and think, “meh, I guess I could,” then you’re not ready to jump in again. Trust what your gut tells you on that, and don’t let fear overrule you.

 

[PolarGuy]

Sydney28, I know numerous people, women and men both, who really liked someone but harbored doubts about them, but nonetheless would not make a decision either way out of a fear that no one better would come along.

The problem is that failure to make a decision is in fact making a decision (I like the post about the Russian math teacher above, very insightful).

if in your gut you say, “he’s not the one,” you owe – yes, *owe *-- it to him to tell him so, right away. His time/emotional commitment/emotional health are equally valuable, and it’s not fair to him to basically “be unsure about him” for any significant period. At a minimum, you *must *tell him how you feel, even if that feeling is one of uncertainty.

 

[sydney28]

Sydney28, I know numerous people, women and men both, who really liked someone but harbored doubts about them, but nonetheless would not make a decision either way out of a fear that no one better would come along.

The problem is that failure to make a decision is in fact making a decision (I like the post about the Russian math teacher above, very insightful).

if in your gut you say, “he’s not the one,” you owe – yes, *owe *-- it to him to tell him so, right away. His time/emotional commitment/emotional health are equally valuable, and it’s not fair to him to basically “be unsure about him” for any significant period. At a minimum, you *must *tell him how you feel, even if that feeling is one of uncertainty.

Yes, I agree - but it is not one-sided Believe me, we talk about our feelings ALL the time. We are totally open and honest about the fact that neither of us have that “feeling” about each other, yet we both feel worried about prematurely giving up on a relationship that in all other aspects is very good.

We know that satan hates marriage - especially amongst devout Catholics who are open to life and would welcome as many children as God gives. Our fear is that we are letting the “we aren’t *crazy *about each other” feeling take over, when perhaps we would be throwing away something that could be very good. The last thing we want is for satan to dissuade us from marriage based on some romantical notion that you have to have fireworks in order to have a happy and successful marriage.

 

[Lorelei12]

I wouldn’t be too concerned about a lack of “fireworks”. I’m not saying this is true all the time, but in my experience oftentimes those head-over-heels feelings end up being for the wrong people. Sometimes a relationship can be exciting only because it’s so one-sided- and can lead you to believe you’re in love with the other person when really you’re in love with the way you feel, and the other person is a jerk. Real love is more comfortable than that, and less nervous butterflies.

However- it is concerning, I think, that you aren’t even excited at the prospect of marrying your boyfriend. It’s one thing not to be crazy in love, but I think it’s another to not even care all that much whether you end up with the person you’re with or not. If the thought of waking up to this man every day for the rest of your life and having his children doesn’t bring a genuine smile to your face, I think that’s rather telling. Not everyone is a very excitable person to begin with, but at the very least a feeling of general peacefulness, contentment, and happiness should really be there, I think. You owe it to each other and to any future children to really want to be married to each other, if that’s where you end up.

 

[EasterJoy]

…it is concerning, I think, that you aren’t even excited at the prospect of marrying your boyfriend. It’s one thing not to be crazy in love, but I think it’s another to not even care all that much whether you end up with the person you’re with or not…

This. If the thought of his presence doesn’t have to get your heart rate up, that is one thing, but if the thought of his absence isn’t a source of sadness, that is something else again. Sometimes, we get so wound up in what we want out of a relationship, we forget to see what we’d lose if we didn’t have it.

Other times, though, it is just the desire to have a bird in the hand instead of birds in the bush. This latter is usually not a good basis for a marriage. There are people who don’t worry about “satisfaction” when they look for a marriage partner or a line of work, just a situation they can feel good about giving their all every day, because the person or the work is worthy. Most in our times, though, want more from both work and marriage than that. The OP seems very much in the category that wants more.

If, OTOH, the OP is only asking if it is OK to be contented with a good person who doesn’t cause fireworks, well of course it is. If it you decide you don’t need fireworks, then you don’t need them. It is not like the mutual intention and capacity to give fully, which is a requirement.

 

[LongingSoul]

I never knew if I could “fall in love” with someone because I had never dated anyone prior to my ex husband, and I definitely wasn’t “in love” with him. After our divorce/annulment I did date one other guy (prior to my current boyfriend) who I was head over heels in love with. I would have moved to the moon with this guy. We had our issues, but I still would have been crazy excited to marry him. Granted, it didn’t work out, and he ended up completely breaking my heart… looking back I recognize that he is not who God wanted me to marry. HOWEVER, I find it interesting that I was given that relationship - despite the heartbreak, it gave me a glimpse of what it feels like to be crazy about someone, and it made me recognize that I am ABLE to experience that sort of feeling for a man.

Sydney, delicate question, but it is a common messer up of the whole fall in love/infatuation confusion. … did you meet and have feelings for that first boyfriend prior to your divorce? I only ask because in all my years working with a Catholic family and marriage counselling org. I saw that scenario numerous times in troubled people with troubled marriages. When people develop clandestine feelings the intensity and bond is magnified beyond reality. This seems like truly deeply, madly love, destiny and even divine… when it is more often an illusion based on secrets.

It may not be your situation but I only throw it in because if you are comparing that to real love, your perspective will be distorted. People who come looking for help in love matters are often really helped by self development work and spiritual work.

 

[sydney28]

Sydney, delicate question, but it is a common messer up of the whole fall in love/infatuation confusion. … did you meet and have feelings for that first boyfriend prior to your divorce? I only ask because in all my years working with a Catholic family and marriage counselling org. I saw that scenario numerous times in troubled people with troubled marriages. When people develop clandestine feelings the intensity and bond is magnified beyond reality. This seems like truly deeply, madly love, destiny and even divine… when it is more often an illusion based on secrets.

It may not be your situation but I only throw it in because if you are comparing that to real love, your perspective will be distorted. People who come looking for help in love matters are often really helped by self development work and spiritual work.

Nope, I had been divorced for about a year when I met / fell in love with ex boyfriend. But, what you suggest may make sense… I imagine almost anyone in comparison with my ex husband and my marriage would have seemed exponentially better.

 

[LongingSoul]

Nope, I had been divorced for about a year when I met / fell in love with ex boyfriend. But, what you suggest may make sense… I imagine almost anyone in comparison with my ex husband and my marriage would have seemed exponentially better.

Yep it is just a thing to be aware of when you are using that experience as the benchmark. There are circumstances that make a sensation of love that isn’t realistic.