At what point do you just give up?

[Under_Dog]

You should go back to your fist husband or remain single. God is not mocked, nor does He contradict Himself.

1Cor 7:10 To the married I give this charge (not I, but the Lord): the wife should not separate from her husband 11 (but if she does, she should remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband), and the husband should not divorce his wife.

 

[PolarGuy]

Under Dog, are you paying attention?

Apparently not, because the Original Poster says she RECEIVED A DECLARATION OF NULLITY, I.E., SHE WAS NEVER MARRIED IN THE EYES OF THE CHURCH AND THEREFORE NEVER HAD A HUSBAND.

I know I’m shouting. I don’t care. Sue me. Sometimes you need to shout to get people’s attention.

 

[sydney28]

Under Dog, are you paying attention?

Apparently not, because the Original Poster says she RECEIVED A DECLARATION OF NULLITY, I.E., SHE WAS NEVER MARRIED IN THE EYES OF THE CHURCH AND THEREFORE NEVER HAD A HUSBAND.

I know I’m shouting. I don’t care. Sue me. Sometimes you need to shout to get people’s attention.

Thanks

 

[Under_Dog]

She and her husband swore an oath to God, “For better or worse…till death do we part.”

I made my appeal to the Bible where what the Lord has commanded is recorded.

Acts 5:29 But Peter and the apostles answered, “We must obey God rather than men.

Prov 3:5 Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding.

It’s pretty clear. Do not trust your own feelings, and do not trust in others who would contradict the Word of God.

I don’t need to yell to speak the truth, even if it is falling on deaf ears.

 

[bsf]

She and her husband swore an oath to God, “For better or worse…till death do we part.”

I made my appeal to the Bible where what the Lord has commanded is recorded.

Acts 5:29 But Peter and the apostles answered, “We must obey God rather than men.

Prov 3:5 Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding.

It’s pretty clear. Do not trust your own feelings, and do not trust in others who would contradict the Word of God.

I don’t need to yell to speak the truth, even if it is falling on deaf ears.

The OP is Catholic and this is a Catholic forum. The OP was and is not asking to debate annulment in the Roman Catholic Church. I do not believe your comments help the OP, though I understand your belief system is apparently contrary to that of the OP. It is commendable that you are apparently concerned for her salvation, but your faith is neither the faith of the OP, nor that on which this forum is based.

I welcome you to this forum though.

 

[PolarGuy]

I for one do NOT welcome people who come to this forum to essentially drive their own pet viewpoints, which are invalid in the eyes of the Catholic Church.

Under Dog, stop trying to hijack this thread. Neither the Catholic Church nor the posters here accept your point, which is that OP remains married to her first husband – particularly since that point is factually false.

 

[Xantippe]

If this were happening 5-10 years ago would you marry him, walk away, or would you still be struggling?

I think that is important, because if you asked me today I would say “yes” I would marry my husband yesterday, today and tomorrow. Romantic feelings of being in love are important, not critically important I suppose but important nonetheless. When I argue with my husband and we are having rough spells I try and remind myself of the deep love I have for him and very often that can help to see me through as it helps soften my heart. What will help soften your heart as the years pass and you and your husband have a big argument? What will help soften his heart towards you? Living together in marriage is hard enough as it is when you are in love, I think starting out without it would create an additional obstacle.

Yes.

 

[Xantippe]

I for one do NOT welcome people who come to this forum to essentially drive their own pet viewpoints, which are invalid in the eyes of the Catholic Church.

Under Dog, stop trying to hijack this thread. Neither the Catholic Church nor the posters here accept your point, which is that OP remains married to her first husband – particularly since that point is factually false.

Yes, the OP is coming here for Catholic advice for her situation. If she wanted “Prodestant” advice, she’d go to “Prodestants.”

If you’d like to discuss the question of divorce, annulments and remarriage, you might want to create a thread at the “liturgy and sacraments” forum. I expect that the regulars there will be more than capable of going verse for verse with you. If you want to discuss the question, that’s what you ought to do.

 

[Under_Dog]

PolarGuy - The truth is the truth. Your opinions do not negate the instructions of our Lord.

Another point: Love is what you do, not something that happens to you. Feelings come and go, but love is an act of the will.

Another point: Being “in love” has nothing to do with honoring your wedding vows. Millions of people have honored their wedding vows through out history, and they were in arranged marriages.

Another point: the Priest she mentioned is correct. She is 34 years old. Her biological clock isn’t just ticking, it’s almost ran out. That may be a hard pill to swallow, but you can’t run from the truth. None of us can, nor should we.

Sydney28 it matters not if you marry because unless you learn to master your own passions you will never be satisfied. Satisfaction comes with contentment, which comes from learning self-discipline. What you seek is an emotional high. In regards to the flesh the old adage is true “What goes up, must come down”.

 

[sydney28]

PolarGuy - The truth is the truth. Your opinions do not negate the instructions of our Lord.

Another point: Love is what you do, not something that happens to you. Feelings come and go, but love is an act of the will.

Another point: Being “in love” has nothing to do with honoring your wedding vows. Millions of people have honored their wedding vows through out history, and they were in arranged marriages.

Another point: the Priest she mentioned is correct. She is 34 years old. Her biological clock isn’t just ticking, it’s almost ran out. That may be a hard pill to swallow, but you can’t run from the truth. None of us can, nor should we.

Sydney28 it matters not if you marry because unless you learn to master your own passions you will never be satisfied. Satisfaction comes with contentment, which comes from learning self-discipline. What you seek is an emotional high. In regards to the flesh the old adage is true “What goes up, must come down”.

I absolutely do appreciate truth, and I don’t even mind being told the “hard truth” about things. I don’t want to be coddled, and I actually do agree with several of your points.

You don’t know the situation of my first “marriage” though, and I don’t intend to get into here - although I’d be happy to discuss it via private message if you’d like.

Keep searching for truth, though…I think it may eventually lead you to the Catholic church, as it has with several of my agnostic friends!

 

[PolarGuy]

The instructions of Our Lord come to us through the Church. I’ll follow that Authority over someone who can’t spell ‘Protestant’ correctly. The Church says Sydney28 was never married.

Sydney28, don’t feed the trolls.

 

[Mickey_Finn]

I am in a relationship with a devout, Catholic man. He is 36, I am 34. We have known each other over a year now, and during that time have dated off and on. We are an unlikely pair - we met online (Ave Maria Singles) and I’m convinced that if we had met in a conventional way (in person) I never would have been interested. Our personalities are night and day different, we have completely opposite tastes in just about everything from music to food to humor, yet we seem to balance each other out and complement each other really well.

I love him, he loves me. We are best friends and are attracted to each other physically. We met while he was praying earnestly for God to please send him his spouse (after he had gone through discernment to become a priest and discerned a call to marriage instead) and I was in the middle of a 54-day rosary novena praying specifically to meet my future husband. We lived in different states at the time, but I was easily able to transfer my work and move to his city so we could try dating without being long-distance. God has seemingly made lots of provisions over the past year to keep us close to each other (geographically)

We have the same values, faith-wise, and both appreciate the more traditional style of mass. We rarely fight, and when we do, it is resolved quickly. He has a great family who I get along with, and he gets along with mine as well.

The problem? We can’t seem to fall in love with each other. I have been married before (received a declaration of nullity several years ago) and know without a doubt I was never in love with my previous husband. I got married out of fear, and was not excited about my wedding day. I can’t imagine getting married again without being excited about it. If my boyfriend and I were to marry now, it would be fine. We would probably have a good, solid, happy marriage…but I do not have a sense of “I can’t live without him” or “I can’t wait to spend my life with this man”. He does not have that sense either, yet we are constantly drawn back together even when we amicably break up.

I guess my ultimate questions are: are we expecting too much? Can we fall in love eventually? If it hasn’t happened after a year+ of dating, does that mean it likely won’t ever happen? I certainly don’t want to settle, but I also don’t want to be so picky - I’m not getting any younger…

I had a priest tell me in confession recently that my “biological clock is ticking and I shouldn’t be so picky about finding a husband…and there are lots of good Catholic men out there to marry…and I may not find someone rich or handsome…” :-/ While I see his “advice” was somewhat flawed, I do know that the priest in the confessional does speak for Jesus (even if maybe his delivery isn’t the best…) and perhaps I need to give up on the idea of “falling in love” and focus on what is more important? A good Catholic man?

I would love to hear thoughts - especially from those who are married…and maybe those who got married later in life, or have been through a failed marriage.

Thank you!

He has a job, he doesn’t beat you, and he’s Catholic? Your prayers have been answered.

Gaff him, and get him in the boat.

 

[Xantippe]

I just noticed something.

OP, you said that you dated “off and on” over the past year. Has there been a lot of breaking up and getting back together again, and if so, why?

 

[Et_Cetera]

I absolutely do appreciate truth, and I don’t even mind being told the “hard truth” about things. I don’t want to be coddled, and I actually do agree with several of your points.

You don’t know the situation of my first “marriage” though, and I don’t intend to get into here - although I’d be happy to discuss it via private message if you’d like.

Keep searching for truth, though…I think it may eventually lead you to the Catholic church, as it has with several of my agnostic friends!

Sydney, dear, please just ignore this guy who has come to stir up trouble and hijack the thread. You don’t have to prove to anyone here that your first marriage was bad and that you were mistreated. That is your business, and the thread is not about the topic of your ex-husband.

To your actual topic, that is a tough one. I have been basically obsessed with certain people in my life, and I know how thrilling the experience is to even talk with them. They make you more excited about being alive. It’s kind of an addicting feeling. These types of relationships haven’t worked out long term for me, but I’m not saying that they can’t.

I tried for a while to make myself interested in a certain person, and that never really worked out either. We got along great and could talk for hours. We always enjoyed each other’s company, but nothing more came from it. I don’t really know what to tell you. A previous poster mentioned taking a break from each other and seeing if the absence makes you miss each other or makes you realize that it’s not meant to be.

 

[Zzyzx_Road]

Under Dog does get under your skin, doesn’t he?

But he does have one point that is absolutely correct about marriage: love is an action, not a feeling. Feelings come and go, but love chosen as an action is the kind of love that can remain for life.

What is Sydney going to do when she marries this man, then time from now, she finds herself still longing for that other guy? The way she talks about him leads me to believe that in her moments of weakness, she is going to compare her potential fiance or some other potential suitor … or her husband … to that guy, and not in a good way. She is already doing it in this thread (see post #31, for instance).

But if she is aware she is doing this, then there is hope for her, that she can choose not to do that. When she marries someone, at that time more than ever, she needs to place choosing love as an action to love her husband over her feelings for that other guy. She does not have the luxury of sitting back and waiting for the feelings to develop, she is only thinking of herself when she does that. Instead, she needs to be thinking of the love she can choose to give, of the love that she is giving.

 

[Xantippe]

PolarGuy - The truth is the truth. Your opinions do not negate the instructions of our Lord.

Another point: Love is what you do, not something that happens to you. Feelings come and go, but love is an act of the will.

Another point: Being “in love” has nothing to do with honoring your wedding vows. Millions of people have honored their wedding vows through out history, and they were in arranged marriages.

Another point: the Priest she mentioned is correct. She is 34 years old. Her biological clock isn’t just ticking, it’s almost ran out. That may be a hard pill to swallow, but you can’t run from the truth. None of us can, nor should we.

Sydney28 it matters not if you marry because unless you learn to master your own passions you will never be satisfied. Satisfaction comes with contentment, which comes from learning self-discipline. What you seek is an emotional high. In regards to the flesh the old adage is true “What goes up, must come down”.

I know I really shouldn’t reply to this, but how do you know that her husband wasn’t gay or asexual or a pedophile or some other weird situation that she doesn’t want to talk about with dozens of strangers?

 

[sydney28]

I just noticed something.

OP, you said that you dated “off and on” over the past year. Has there been a lot of breaking up and getting back together again, and if so, why?

We have amicably broken up 2 times over the past year, and I even dated someone else during one of those broken up times. He also went on a vocations retreat with the Marians during our break up because he felt a pull back toward the priesthood - but after the retreat and the help of their priests, discerned clearly his call to marriage.

The break ups were all due to not feeling strongly enough about marrying each other…worrying that we were wasting each other’s time or keeping each other from the one God actually had planned for each of us.

So, during the breaks we were both open to other people (like I said, I dated someone else for about a month, as well) and yet we always seem to get drawn back to each other for one reason or another.

This time, he was the one who strongly felt we should date again, and that we should put more commitment behind it…really be “all-in” and try to seriously discern why we should not get married.

 

[sydney28]

Under Dog does get under your skin, doesn’t he?

But he does have one point that is absolutely correct about marriage: love is an action, not a feeling. Feelings come and go, but love chosen as an action is the kind of love that can remain for life.

What is Sydney going to do when she marries this man, then time from now, she finds herself still longing for that other guy? The way she talks about him leads me to believe that in her moments of weakness, she is going to compare her potential fiance or some other potential suitor … or her husband … to that guy, and not in a good way. She is already doing it in this thread (see post #31, for instance).

But if she is aware she is doing this, then there is hope for her, that she can choose not to do that. When she marries someone, at that time more than ever, she needs to place choosing love as an action to love her husband over her feelings for that other guy. She does not have the luxury of sitting back and waiting for the feelings to develop, she is only thinking of herself when she does that. Instead, she needs to be thinking of the love she can choose to give, of the love that she is giving.

Interesting insight. Thank you

 

[EasterJoy]

…we always seem to get drawn back to each other for one reason or another…

If the reason is, “I miss him when we aren’t dating,” then look at that. Do you just lack gratitude for each other because you are too concerned with “sizzle,” which you have found always seems to come with someone who has a lesser character than you each have?

If the reason you get back together is, “Why not? Who else is there to date?” then not so much. You aren’t writing as if that is ever going to satisfy you in the long-term. It is like you keep trying the corner restaurant because after a certain amount of time you forget that it isn’t what you’re looking for in a meal out. Then you get in there, you aren’t particularly thrilled to see the staff, your meal comes, it is not awful but it is nothing special, either, and you remember why you started looking for a new place. You don’t want to start a marriage with the “seven year itch” already itching before you say your vows.

This time, he was the one who strongly felt we should date again, and that we should put more commitment behind it…really be “all-in” and try to seriously discern why we should not get married.

Change that to “seriously discern why we should get married.” If your attitude were, “I want to marry this guy unless you can tell me I shouldn’t,” you wouldn’t be posting the way you are. You want to marry for a positive reason, and most people do. Stick to that. If this fellow is not the guy, if you conclude that you’d rather marry after your childbearing years are over or even not at all than to get into a “why not?” marriage that will leave you wondering if you shouldn’t have held out for something far more definitive, then gather up your courage, let him go ,and really let him go with a recognition that another two or three tries are not going to give you any answers that aren’t already on the table.

 

[NSFrame]

I have not read all of the responses, I apologize.

My reaction to this is - if you need to start a thread on whether to marry someone, you should not be marrying him.

Biological clocks (aka guilt machines), lists of positive qualities, and so on are not reasons to get married. The one and only reason to get married is the positive statement that you have made to yourself that this person is the one you hope is your future spouse. If you are in doubt about this statement, do not marry him.