At what point do you let go and file for divorce?

[GerlyOne]

WOW…I am so incredibly sorry for all that you’ve gone through…

But you are NOT alone…GOD has NOT forgotten you. Turn your thoughts in another direction, spend more time with GOD…pray the Rosary…things WILL get better, and you will get through this. Try saying a novena to St. Jude…also, our Blessed Mother NEVER abandons you when you call to her.

I will be praying for you, don’t give up hope, there a lot of people who DO care about you.

God bless,

GerlyOne

 

[jmcrae]

Your story could be mine if you change a few details!! We were married for 32 yrs. Had been high school sweethearts so we were together for 38 total. At least yours finally admitted his adultery, my X never has, even though he moved in with his tramp before the divorce was final. My son refuses to accept the fact that his dad is a cheater even though he knows the truth, he lets it slide rather than face the truth.

What, exactly, are you expecting your son to do? I don’t think he has the power to wind back the clock and make his father into a faithful husband. He still has to honour and love his father. (And his mother, too. He can’t pick sides.)

 

[BMB]

I am cheated out of financial support, retirement, my home…everything. But no one cares. I am so disiilusioned, I feel like God has forgotten me, I know my son has.

I care. I know how deeply the feelings of despair and betrayal run. But, take heart…I CARE and promise I will never forget you and the many others who have suffered through similar consequences of their spouses’ infidelity.

I am not a silly, vacant woman (none of us who for years “propped” our spouses up are) so it is unfathomable to me that I did not know the true nature of my husband. You and I and so many others here TRUSTED the wrong men. I also feel lost and forgotten and then I log on and receive support from other strong and resilient women. Take solace with me here. We are going to be ok.

I don’t know what will happen when my children meet the “mistress” but I will try and support them in their attempts to deal with what will surely be pain and feelings of betrayal too. We have all been conned. (On my more compassionate day, I can recognize that my husband, in his separation from God, is suffering to some degree too.)

Prayer is helping me through my days. Spiritually, I know God is with those of us suffering emotionally. I’ll never understand his methods, but there MUST be good somewhere is all of this torment. I’m with you in spirit sist’a. Hang in there with me.

 

[Deborah_Whitman]

What, exactly, are you expecting your son to do? I don’t think he has the power to wind back the clock and make his father into a faithful husband. He still has to honour and love his father. (And his mother, too. He can’t pick sides.)

Facing the truth in these situations is important. Of course my son cannot make his father DO anything, nor do I expect him to. Lies perpetuate lies…this was how the whole thing began, a web of lies. Telling oneself a fairytale doesn’t change the facts. I call a spade a spade and a cheater a cheater. My son won’t even admit his father was committing adultery. We are not talking about a little kid here, my son is 31. I am not going to get into an arguement with you, you are entitled to your opinion. But since you don’t know all the facts, I would suggest you do not pass judgement.

 

[jmcrae]

Facing the truth in these situations is important. Of course my son cannot make his father DO anything, nor do I expect him to. Lies perpetuate lies…this was how the whole thing began, a web of lies. Telling oneself a fairytale doesn’t change the facts. I call a spade a spade and a cheater a cheater. My son won’t even admit his father was committing adultery. We are not talking about a little kid here, my son is 31. I am not going to get into an arguement with you, you are entitled to your opinion. But since you don’t know all the facts, I would suggest you do not pass judgement.

I am not passing judgement; I am just genuinely curious how it is even any of your son’s business. I am a child of divorced parents, but no one has ever seen fit to share with me what the circumstances were of my parents’ divorce, who did what to whom, who is “the guilty one”, etc. I am in my 40s. I love both my parents, equally.

 

[GerlyOne]

I am not passing judgement; I am just genuinely curious how it is even any of your son’s business. I am a child of divorced parents, but no one has ever seen fit to share with me what the circumstances were of my parents’ divorce, who did what to whom, who is “the guilty one”, etc. I am in my 40s. I love both my parents, equally.

You know, I think we need to cut Deborah some slack and just show compassion towards her. She is vulnerable and very hurt, who can blame her…“until you walk a mile in her shoes”…you get the picture. You saw where she stated that she feels as though even “God has forgotten her”…she needs her son to be on her side right now, I know where you’re coming from in saying he shouldn’t be picking sides, but right now he should be very attentive to his mother and her needs, he should be a rock for her to lean on. The husband is the cheater and going on just fine with his life, it is not fair for her to feel completely isolated.

Let’s all be a friend to her and help her get through this, to show her that she, most certainly, is NOT alone…

Let’s pray for her, most of all.

 

[dulcissima]

You know, I think we need to cut Deborah some slack and just show compassion towards her. She is vulnerable and very hurt, who can blame her…“until you walk a mile in her shoes”…you get the picture. You saw where she stated that she feels as though even “God has forgotten her”…she needs her son to be on her side right now, I know where you’re coming from in saying he shouldn’t be picking sides, but right now he should be very attentive to his mother and her needs, he should be a rock for her to lean on. The husband is the cheater and going on just fine with his life, it is not fair for her to feel completely isolated.

Let’s all be a friend to her and help her get through this, to show her that she, most certainly, is NOT alone…

Let’s pray for her, most of all.

Yes, let’s pray for her.

I hope that she will come to know the peace in letting go, and that she will give her son that space and that peace. He is 31, but even if he were 13 she is not in control of what he “gets” or his relationship with his father. Most children, even when they are adults, don’t want to spend much time contemplating their parents’ sex lives.

It would really be much more appropriate for her to deal with such issues with a therapist rather than her son.

 

[GerlyOne]

**True, I get your point, but when you’re in a position, such as she is, you just need to know that SOMEONE is in your corner…she feels like she has nothing left, and she doesn’t!..as you can read in her post…she just needs some TLC…

She’s probably feeling a little territorial over her son, and who can blame her? Why should the cheating spouse get it all, even the benefit of the doubt from the son???

But, as we all know, he’s really NOT getting it all is he? How he sleeps at night…???**

 

[Joseph_L_Varga]

I share Deborah’s bewilderment at her son’s attitude. A generic “it didn’t work out” just doesn’t cut it, in my opinion. Someone cheated, and someone else was cheated on. Someone was betrayed, and someone else betrayed her. You cannot put the sign of equality between Cain and Abel, between Jesus and Judas. As a child, having an opinion about what your parent did is not the same as rejecting your parent. You still owe him respect and you are still responsible for helping him financially and looking out for him when he gets older - but that doesn’t mean that you cannot have an opinion about what he did.

 

[GerlyOne]

 

[GerlyOne]

I share Deborah’s bewilderment at her son’s attitude. A generic “it didn’t work out” just doesn’t cut it, in my opinion. Someone cheated, and someone else was cheated on. Someone was betrayed, and someone else betrayed her. You cannot put the sign of equality between Cain and Abel, between Jesus and Judas. As a child, having an opinion about what your parent did is not the same as rejecting your parent. You still owe him respect and you are still responsible for helping him financially and looking out for him when he gets older - but that doesn’t mean that you cannot have an opinion about what he did.

OOPS! I wanted to say…WELL SAID MR. VARGA!

 

[CradleCath]

Thank you so much for your words and prayers. I feel especially blessed to have found this site today. Perspective from other Catholics on this issue has been so helpful.

He behaved as a coward would, selfishly, sneaky and dishonestly. This behavior is so unlike the man I married. I spent months in disbelief.

My first reaction is/was to save my children the pain of a broken family. I am slowly regaining some of the strength he sapped from me over the years. It is a big step for me to acknowledge that if I do not allow myself to heal I cannot help my children heal.

I have floundered - not knowing to what lengths I must go… how much pain is required of me… at what point have I exhausted all methods for “fixing” my marriage. I’m beginning to accept that he has been gone for a very long time. I’m sad to finally realize that I was alone in my quest to repair the damage.

I expected everything to miraculously be resolved through spriritual intervention. That hope has died and I am sad.
Perhaps God will make the path crystal clear to me in time.

Your post(s) have made me feel less alone and for that I am so grateful.

My son is going through the same situation, though his wife did divorce him with no warning really. She left with the children in June, filed for divorce right away & it was finalized in Dec. (.I believe she found someone else). She still calls him & is hanging on. If her washing machine breaks down, she calls my son. If one of the children gets sick at school, she calls him to pick them up, saying that she can’t leave work…but he can?? It’s hard. He never looked at another woman, he doesn’t run to the bars & he’s the best Father that one could ask for. He comes home from work, his is a very stressful career, takes of his suit, puts on jeans & a t-shirt & is playing with the children within 20 minutes of his arrival home. If the weather is nice, he goes out & plays football with them, or cheers them on as they jump on the trampoline. He’s has always been a hands-on Dad. He could bathe & feed the children when they were babies, pack the car & drive for 3 hrs. to bring the kids to see us for a weekend…when his wife had to work or “wasn’t feeling well”, etc.

This has just about broken my heart. I loved that girl like she was my own. For months I grieved for both my son, myself & the rest of my family. I missed her so much. She was part of my family for 14 yrs. Christmas, though we tried so hard to make it great for the kids, was a particularly hard time. It was like we’d had a death in the family & particularly hard for another daughter-in-law who was also very close to her. I thought she was such a good person. Now, others in my family, including my husband, are making me see the side of her that wasn’t so good. I guess I didn’t see that part until this happened.My heart aches daily for my son & my 3 grandchildren though my grief has turned to anger & that doesn’t hurt quite so much.

Divorce is a terrible thing, but sometimes one person controls that & makes it happen. My son didn’t want this, suggested counseling from their priest or a marriage counselor. She wouldn’t even hear of it. They have a wonderful friend, Sister Julie & SHE tried to help to no avail. My son is tired. He’s tired of trying to make her happy & fix the marriage. You, too, sound tired.

He’s also dealing with the finances, just as you are. My ex-daughter in law makes $35,000 a year & he pays $1500 a month for child & spousal support, yet already she’s having financial problems. She has $53,000 a year to provide for herself & 3 children…who are at my sons apt. most of the time, anyway. Her rent was late last month & her landlord called Dave, the same thing happened with the day care, she didn’t pay it. He has contacted both of these people & is going to take the payments to them, himself…rather than give her the $1500 & expecting her to pay for her living expenses from it.

I believe totally in marriage. Christ said concerning marriage, “What God hath put together, let no man put assunder”, but like you…it was really out of my son’s control to stop the divorce.

I know that this isn’t answering your questions, but it sure gave me an opportunity to just put my feelings on the subject down in writing. So, thank you & you sound like a woman who is capable & responsible. I know that God will guide you on your decision…which is really HIS decision.

 

[Godfollower]

He has contacted both of these people & is going to take the payments to them, himself…rather than give her the $1500 & expecting her to pay for her living expenses from it.

I cannot emphasize this strongly enough: MAKE SURE THE COURT IS OKAY WITH THIS!!!

In some states, he would be considered a “volunteer” (i.e., he made voluntary payments, which are gifts and not support) who still hasn’t made his mandatory support payments – so he would be a deadbeat dad with a support arrearage. This is true in some states even if the mother agreed in advance. I cannot tell you how many times parents have showed up in court saying “But my ex said I could pay this way instead / I could pay less / I could pay at other times / etc.”, only to have the judge say “It doesn’t matter; you’re under a court order, and your ex doesn’t have the authority to modify that order. Any payments you made outside the court order were volunteered gifts, which are fine, but you also had to pay the payments set forth in the court order. Since you didn’t, I find an arrearage of $_____.”

If she’s on board with this, they can probably just file an agreed order to the effect that his support payments may take the form of payments for rent, daycare, and other living expenses paid on behalf of the mother.

 

[CradleCath]

I cannot emphasize this strongly enough: MAKE SURE THE COURT IS OKAY WITH THIS!!!

In some states, he would be considered a “volunteer” (i.e., he made voluntary payments, which are gifts and not support) who still hasn’t made his mandatory support payments – so he would be a deadbeat dad with a support arrearage. This is true in some states even if the mother agreed in advance. I cannot tell you how many times parents have showed up in court saying “But my ex said I could pay this way instead / I could pay less / I could pay at other times / etc.”, only to have the judge say “It doesn’t matter; you’re under a court order, and your ex doesn’t have the authority to modify that order. Any payments you made outside the court order were volunteered gifts, which are fine, but you also had to pay the payments set forth in the court order. Since you didn’t, I find an arrearage of $_____.”

If she’s on board with this, they can probably just file an agreed order to the effect that his support payments may take the form of payments for rent, daycare, and other living expenses paid on behalf of the mother.

Thank you for this info. I didn’t know & I’m sure my son doesn’t either. He wants to be sure that his children have a roof over their heads when they aren’t at his house & to be sure that the youngest has good day care after she leaves kindergarten at noon. That’s why he had decided to deduct both of those payments. from his child support payment at the beginning of each month, pay them himself & give the **rest **of that child support to his ex-wife. I called him this evening to tell him what you said & he’s going to contact an attorney for advice.

One would never know by reading this message that I am so against divorce. However, I now realize that it can happen because of ONE of the spouses. It takes two to make a marriage, but only one can make a divorce. One spouse can be willing to try everything to try to repair a marriage that’s suffering, but if both aren’t in it together, if one is hell-bent on getting out…there isn’t much hope. In the OP’s post, one can see that she’s given as much as she possibly can & more…to save her marriage. It’s the same with my son. Thanks for listening & for the advice.

 

[CradleCath]

I care. I know how deeply the feelings of despair and betrayal run. But, take heart…I CARE and promise I will never forget you and the many others who have suffered through similar consequences of their spouses’ infidelity.

I am not a silly, vacant woman (none of us who for years “propped” our spouses up are) so it is unfathomable to me that I did not know the true nature of my husband. You and I and so many others here TRUSTED the wrong men. I also feel lost and forgotten and then I log on and receive support from other strong and resilient women. Take solace with me here. We are going to be ok.

I don’t know what will happen when my children meet the “mistress” but I will try and support them in their attempts to deal with what will surely be pain and feelings of betrayal too. We have all been conned. (On my more compassionate day, I can recognize that my husband, in his separation from God, is suffering to some degree too.)

Prayer is helping me through my days. Spiritually, I know God is with those of us suffering emotionally. I’ll never understand his methods, but there MUST be good somewhere is all of this torment. I’m with you in spirit sist’a. Hang in there with me.

God bless you & keep you & Deborah, too. I cannot imagine what infidelity does to a woman’s self-esteem, her ability to trust. her loving heart. Just know that there are people here praying for both of you. I’m one of them.

 

[Deborah_Whitman]

Thank you from the bottom of my heart, to all of you that have offered prayers and advice. I will try my best to let “Jesus take the wheel” and deal with my hurt through prayer. There does come a time when you do have to accept things as they are and move on. The anger will eat you up inside and bitterness will drive everyone away from you.
My problem was being lied to for so long. I had basically just found out from my son that his father was indeed living with the woman I suspected him of having the affair with, and her two children ages 6 and 3 are in fact his children. He had lied to me for years, I suspected him of the affair and of course he denied it, and I couldn’t prove it.
Divorce is ugly, but lies are uglier, they throw huge road blocks in the way of healing. Please try not to judge me or anyone else on this thread. We have walked a road that no one should ever have to walk. I can’t even begin to describe the pain I have suffered, and continue to endure. But with the help of Our Lord and Savior, I will prevail. I will be whole again, and hopefully one day I will be happy again.

 

[Joseph_L_Varga]

I am so sorry, Deborah. May our Blessed Mother comfort you.

 

[cecilia97]

Thank you from the bottom of my heart, to all of you that have offered prayers and advice. I will try my best to let “Jesus take the wheel” and deal with my hurt through prayer. There does come a time when you do have to accept things as they are and move on. The anger will eat you up inside and bitterness will drive everyone away from you.
My problem was being lied to for so long. I had basically just found out from my son that his father was indeed living with the woman I suspected him of having the affair with, and her two children ages 6 and 3 are in fact his children. He had lied to me for years, I suspected him of the affair and of course he denied it, and I couldn’t prove it.
Divorce is ugly, but lies are uglier, they throw huge road blocks in the way of healing. Please try not to judge me or anyone else on this thread. We have walked a road that no one should ever have to walk. I can’t even begin to describe the pain I have suffered, and continue to endure. But with the help of Our Lord and Savior, I will prevail. I will be whole again, and hopefully one day I will be happy again.

Deborah, God bless you. When you feel able, with God’s help, try praying for your ex. It hurts at first, but it is truly healing. Ask God’s blessings on him.

I don’t like my ex, and if he came to my front door I wouldn’t let him in…I might call the cops! But I can still try to pray for him.

And God bless your son, too…I’m sure he is more hurt than he shows.

You will be happy again, I promise! Gradually, the number of days when you don’t think of the betrayal will start to outnumber the days when you do think about it. And one day you’ll have to stop and wonder where the pain went, and marvel at how beautiful like can be. For REAL.

 

[BMB]

… her two children ages 6 and 3 are in fact his children. He had lied to me for years, I suspected him of the affair and of course he denied it, and I couldn’t prove it.
Divorce is ugly, but lies are uglier…

I am so sorry. I have feared this type of revelation myself. After all, if dh can lie about an affair for 4 years can I believe mistress’ youngest child is not his? This road is SO difficult. It’s hard to feel the hands of God holding us when we are in such pain.

Have you participated in the Stations of the Cross this Lent? I find this time spent focused on the passion of Christ and suffering of his Mother to be comforting. Why? Perhaps because the ultimate GOOD came from such horrifying pain and sorrow. I also started saying the Devine Mercy chaplet daily. I love this prayer and feel that this is a better, healthier way for me to try and save my husband.

UPDATE:

I have had an emotionally draining week with dh… this finalizing financial details takes incredible patience. His “charming” behavior around others makes me physically ill. :doh2: I doubt that anyone aquainted with his charming exterior will ever believe him capable of such deceptive behavior. Scary.

He has been “around” too much this week… too helpful… offering to help with the car maintenance, the home repairs… He is up to something. I have been forewarned of fake “repentative” behavior. (thanks Liberasomalo) So, I checked his cell phone (covertly ) and verified the very last call (and many more that same day) was made to the mistress.

OK - so he has NOT had a change of heart, has not left the lover. Prior to the “lightbulb” of reality I would have been hopeful. Since the lightbulb I have become much more cautious -The pain still iterally takes my breath away. I still cry - but not as pitifully as before.:bighanky:

Those of us who have been emotionally abused and betrayed… do you think there is something in our nature that draws these men to us? Too agreeable perhaps? Too willing to nurture and put ourselves at the very end of the line? I’m wondering what it is about me that makes me an easy mark. How can I insure my daughters and son will make better choices?

 

[Joseph_L_Varga]

So, I checked his cell phone (covertly ) and verified the very last call (and many more that same day) was made to the mistress.

BMB, you are on your way to healing! You won’t get fooled again :tsktsk: I trust you.

But how to avoid such people, and how to protect your children, I dunno… My mother who is a very down-to-earth person, was deceived by someone (my father) like your husband. He was a well-behaved and polite person during their courtship, that’s what my mother says. She certainly didn’t foresee that he would cheat on her and break the door on us with something shining (a knife?) in his hand - that’s when we escaped to my aunt. And even after that, everybody in our small town setting was on my father’s side, he was such a charmer. It took a long time for various people to see through his deception, and many of them came to apologize to my mom later on, some of them apologized some 30 years later. I just don’t know what’s a good method to recognize people like this at an early stage. They are very good actors, they know how to pretend and deceive.