At what point do you let go and file for divorce?

[EvelynEVF]

i have a feeling that those of us with weak boundaries are somehow “spot-able” by these guys. i was raised by parents who repeatedly violated my boundaries and told me they had a right to. I think I let some red flags go by during courtship because I was used to being run over. And once dh’s mental illness became clearly manifest, I was easily manipulated by Christians who insisted that for better or for worse included being emotionally and sexually abused. I even asked him once, when he grabbed me, why on earth he thought he had a right to force sexual contact on me. He was quite surprised to be asked, and said, “You are my wife. I have the right.”

my guess is that “they” aren’t necessarily on the prowl for “us,” so much that they make a habit of ignoring boundaries, and most people don’t give them the time of day. We do, and they push farther and farther until it crosses the line into overt abuse.

 

[Liberanosamalo]

Evelyn, I think it is more than that. I think they are actual predators. They are like the guy walking down the street checking doorknobs to see if one is left unlocked. They do it with people. Those who “know their kind” give them the fisheye and they make comments like “She’s a b—” and move on. Those of us raised to be nice and polite and treat everyone with Christian charity… well, picture them as a lion circling the herd. They don’t want to have to work too hard for dinner. Because they’re lazy. They put very little into building the relationship. (Raise your hands: How many of you did all the work during the courting phase… look back… did you buy all the gifts? Arrange dinners? Be available for the NPD??? They certainly didn’t put 50/50 into it. We giftwrapped ourselves and handed us over to them on a silver platter. We were overjoyed to be loved by someone so attentive and charming and wonderful.)

They are looking for the animal on the edge of the herd that is less likely to kick them in the head. That’s the one they zero in on. Like a predator. The little interest they ever showed you was in the beginning when they were testing your weak points and getting to know you to find out if you would be an easy target. Once they decided you were their next victim, every conversation became about them.

How do you protect your children? Now you know the bad side. I’ve told my daughters “if someone lies to you once, LEAVE.” They’ll lie again. During courtship there are signs of abusiveness. All this mandates open and clear communication with your child during that time. So they are free to come to you with doubts about behavior. Because during that time the NPD is trying to lay the foundations of cutting you off from your family by making subtle comments about what they see that is negative. And how they wouldn’t treat you like that, blah blah blah.

BMB, I’m glad you didn’t grab onto false hope this time around. Mine would offer to mow the lawn and change the car oil. I didn’t fall for that very long. He wasn’t doing it to help me. He was doing it to prop up his own image as a nice guy that he needs in HIS head. He doesn’t care what you think of him. This is about what he thinks of him. I told him “I don’t want you to change my oil. I want to keep my old oil. It reminds me of a time we were together. It’s like a souvenir.” Then his attitude changed and back out came the “You’re crazy. I was just trying to be nice.” Hmmph. Day late and a dollar short. And there he goes again. Right under the surface, the real him was lurking.

And maybe he wants you to feel guilty and feed him since he “did all that work.”

Or maybe he detects a sea change in your attitude and now it’s a challenge to him. You’re not crying anymore. He’s intrigued what’s going on. He’s wondering why his magic isn’t working anymore and why you don’t cower and weep and beg now.

Remember, you’ll never be so desirable as you are once you’re walking out the door. Then he can’t have you anymore, and nobody tells an NPD what he can and can’t have.

Mine just spent $700 on the new x-box for him and dd2 to play with. But he didn’t have money for her AP tests. I had to pay that. She didn’t even ask him for that. She comes to me for the boring necessary stuff and Disneyland daddy pays for all the great toys.

 

[EvelynEVF]

Eh, you’re probably right about the predator thing. I’m trying to keep my rose-colored glasses on sometimes, though given that dh is currently withholding paperwork I need to do the taxes, I suppose I should take them off. . . .

 

[Joseph_L_Varga]

And some of them are actually great “actors” and they will mislead scores of other people, not only you, their intended prey for marriage. In my parents’ case, it looks like some of the things that made my mother a desirable target was the material benefits that came with her - she was a homeowner, with a neat household and everything in order, good cook, dinner on the table, and the changed immigration status my father gained by marrying her. But he was able to easily deceive not only my mother, practically a whole town: our teachers, our priest, the local police representative, people in the neighborhood, attorneys, prosecutors and judges in the courthouse. At least in the beginning, because later on these people in the courthouse gradually learned that he was a notorious liar. After the divorce, my father went on to prey on other people specifically because they were homeowners. He tried to make an elderly couple sign away their house to him. So, if they select you as their prey, it could be also because of what they stand to benefit from you. Benefits can also include, in my opinion, someone who will make their life easier, pay the bills, put a dinner on the table, do the laundry. That’s why they selected you and not someone else. But what’s disheartening, deceiving any numbers of people comes easy to them. You may want to beat yourself up for falling to his deception, but then you realize that a whole town, literally dozens of other people were also easily deceived by him.

 

[dulcissima]

It is draining to be around someone that you used to trust and let in close to you, only to find out that they aren’t who they pretended to be and that they don’t value you in the way you had believed. If you find that your husband’s presence puts you off balance or that he has an ulterior motive in his helpfulness, you don’t have to let him in. He doesn’t have to be around your house confusing you and your children. You might also need a bit of distance to build up some strength, because you are going to need it. He is not someone you can count on, and you will find yourself off balance every time you let him be in a supporting position.

Your kids can visit with him elsewhere. He can take them places. I think it would be good for him to have to own up to some reality.

 

[BMB]

I think they are actual predators.

We giftwrapped ourselves and handed us over to them on a silver platter. We were overjoyed to be loved by someone so attentive and charming and wonderful.

Yet, another amazingly “spot-on” revelation… When we met as teenagers I was quite independent… didn’t WANT/NEED the daily phonecalls… non-demanding… My Father’s rule was dating every other weekend so both could keep friends… PERFECT for dh. He never had to work hard at our relationship. I am/was LOW maintenance. Period. I’ve never felt especially pretty, or smart and was always quite surprised that Mr. Charming chose me. I was the perfect prop for him… a great backup singer.

I’ve told my daughters “if someone lies to you once, LEAVE.” They’ll lie again.

Great advice I hope they will take to heart.

BMB, I’glad you m didn’t grab onto false hope this time around. Mine would offer to mow the lawn and change the car oil. I didn’t fall for that very long. He wasn’t doing it to help me. He was doing it to prop up his own image as a nice guy that he needs in HIS head. He doesn’t care what you think of him. This is about what he thinks of him.

I am SURE that you are right. When he offers to help, my gut reaction is that it is truly self-serving to him. He can tell his buddies at work that he continues to do all these things for me… He can feel a little better about himself.

Or maybe he detects a sea change in your attitude and now it’s a challenge to him. Remember, you’ll never be so desirable as you are once you’re walking out the door. Then he can’t have you anymore, and nobody tells an NPD what he can and can’t have

. This idea is frightening to me. He knows me too well. But I am now a “doubting Thomas” when it comes to him. The proof is in the pudding!

Mine just spent $700 on the new x-box for him and dd2 to play with. But he didn’t have money for her AP tests. I had to pay that. She didn’t even ask him for that. She comes to me for the boring necessary stuff and Disneyland daddy pays for all the great toys.

This is so sad, really. These men NEVER grow up apparently. What can he possibly offer her when she matures and no longer has the materialistic desires of a child? Nothing. And there YOU will be. The one offering the much greater gifts of faith, devotion, and unconditional love.

 

[Liberanosamalo]

PERFECT for dh. He never had to work hard at our relationship. I am/was LOW maintenance. Period. I’ve never felt especially pretty, or smart and was always quite surprised that Mr. Charming chose me. I was the perfect prop for him… a great backup singer.

Exactly why the sweetest most humble people (except for me ) seem to end up with these monsters. If we were divas and biotches they’d leave us in the dust and find easier pickings. They bestow their wonderfulness on us. We are low maintenance, which is exactly what they want.

They love the whole “submission” thing and seem to gravitate toward conservative women because for different reasons, we believe the man should be the head of the family. So even on premarital tests, we scored very high. But we believed things for the exact opposite reasons, apparently. I believed the husband was head of the family because it was the model of Christ and His Church. He believed it because he thought women were inferior and sucked.

The tests didn’t reveal the reasons for those differences. Which makes all the difference when you’re actually living together and two diametrically opposed world views collide in practice, though on the surface we seemed to agree on the “obey” part.

I think a good way to weed out certain men in our daughters’ lives would be to tell them to be sure to let fiance know they’ll never vow to obey him. I was a fool and did just that.

 

[whatevergirl]

I am so sorry. I have feared this type of revelation myself. After all, if dh can lie about an affair for 4 years can I believe mistress’ youngest child is not his? This road is SO difficult. It’s hard to feel the hands of God holding us when we are in such pain.

Have you participated in the Stations of the Cross this Lent? I find this time spent focused on the passion of Christ and suffering of his Mother to be comforting. Why? Perhaps because the ultimate GOOD came from such horrifying pain and sorrow. I also started saying the Devine Mercy chaplet daily. I love this prayer and feel that this is a better, healthier way for me to try and save my husband.

UPDATE:

I have had an emotionally draining week with dh… this finalizing financial details takes incredible patience. His “charming” behavior around others makes me physically ill. :doh2: I doubt that anyone aquainted with his charming exterior will ever believe him capable of such deceptive behavior. Scary.

He has been “around” too much this week… too helpful… offering to help with the car maintenance, the home repairs… He is up to something. I have been forewarned of fake “repentative” behavior. (thanks Liberasomalo) So, I checked his cell phone (covertly ) and verified the very last call (and many more that same day) was made to the mistress.

OK - so he has NOT had a change of heart, has not left the lover. Prior to the “lightbulb” of reality I would have been hopeful. Since the lightbulb I have become much more cautious -The pain still iterally takes my breath away. I still cry - but not as pitifully as before.:bighanky:

Those of us who have been emotionally abused and betrayed… do you think there is something in our nature that draws these men to us? Too agreeable perhaps? Too willing to nurture and put ourselves at the very end of the line? I’m wondering what it is about me that makes me an easy mark. How can I insure my daughters and son will make better choices?

Aw, BMB…I’m still praying for you.
You know, sometimes women can be ‘drawn’ to men who are deceptive, abusive, etc…but in your case, I think your husband changed at some point. Perhaps, he was always this way, and just very good at deceiving you. But, don’t be too hard on yourself, when it comes to your husband’s mistakes and sins. I think that there are just some people who can lie very very well, and their ‘victims’ just don’t see it coming, when they finally discover the truth. I think overlooking suspicious behavior isn’t a flaw, it’s most that you had hope…that you didn’t want to believe he was so deceptive. I pray he gets some help, and that you stay strong during this. God bless.

 

[Angels_Unaware]

Aw, BMB…I’m still praying for you.
You know, sometimes women can be ‘drawn’ to men who are deceptive, abusive, etc…but in your case, I think your husband changed at some point.

And how exactly do you think you know that?

Perhaps, he was always this way, and just very good at deceiving you. But, don’t be too hard on yourself, when it comes to your husband’s mistakes and sins. I think that there are just some people who can lie very very well, and their ‘victims’ just don’t see it coming, when they finally discover the truth. I think overlooking suspicious behavior isn’t a flaw, it’s most that you had hope…that you didn’t want to believe he was so deceptive. I pray he gets some help, and that you stay strong during this. God bless.

When did being deceived by someone else become a “flaw” or a “weakness” for anybody? There are not some people who deserve to be victimized, and others that don’t deserve to be victimized. That is blaming the victim. All victims struggle with guilt, and the only guilt and blame that is legitimate is the perpetrator’s

 

[whatevergirl]

And how exactly do you think you know that?

When did being deceived by someone else become a “flaw” or a “weakness” for anybody? There are not some people who deserve to be victimized, and others that don’t deserve to be victimized. That is blaming the victim. All victims struggle with guilt, and the only guilt and blame that is legitimate is the perpetrator’s

I said it’s not a flaw…maybe you misread what I posted. I was in an abusive relationship, before my husband, and I don’t believe that falling ‘victim’ to such men, is a flaw. That is what I stated. Not sure why you are interpreting what I said differently. I was making this point because I think that it’s natural for a woman to question her judgement “skills,” or whatever, when she realizes that the person she knew and loved for a long time, wasn’t who she thought he was. That’s all.

 

[BMB]

Thank you Whatevergirl & Angels Unware for your posts. You’ve both been very compassionate to me throughout my request for help in understanding my predicament.
I have not misunderstood the meaning behind your thoughts whatevergirl. Thank you both for the prayers.

I was fortunate this past week to attend a mission led by Father Benedict Groeschel. Very interesting man. He mentioned a fact that I had not thought about recently. :angel1:That we have our guardian angel with us at every moment. What a comfort! I have always said the “guardian angel” prayer with my children but had forgotten that one is assigned specifically to ME… and you… and you. Incidently, wondering if anyone has a link to info re the different “kinds” of angels. My youngest is very interested after singing about Seraphim and Cherubim’s.

 

[BMB]

It is draining to be around someone that you used to trust and let in close to you, only to find out that they aren’t who they pretended to be and that they don’t value you in the way you had believed. If you find that your husband’s presence puts you off balance or that he has an ulterior motive in his helpfulness, you don’t have to let him in. He doesn’t have to be around your house confusing you and your children. You might also need a bit of distance to build up some strength, because you are going to need it. He is not someone you can count on, and you will find yourself off balance every time you let him be in a supporting position.

I have noticed that when he is “Not around” for a while, I am MUCH more at peace. My experience(s) over the last 3 weeks could be described as an awakening. My children find me less tense. I feel comfortable in my skin, and in my home. I am playful with the kids and freely sing and tease and hug. His appearances put me back into the stoic no-nonsense parent mode. I like the new me better. Every morning I thank God for something I didn’t notice before… the red in the sky… the camillas in bloom… Almost like a hug from God every morning.

I don’t **hate **my husband. I feel compassion towards him - I love him and fear for his soul. I pray for him but, I have experienced a letting go of sorts. It feels somehow ‘right’ when all has been so ‘wrong’ for so long. I will let GOD save him if dh ever opens his heart to healing. It was never really in my hands or under my control. I feel like some of the weight I have carried so long is lifted from me.

My life is challenging at the moment, but my strength and faith is growing! Love to all!

 

[cecilia97]

UPDATE:

I have had an emotionally draining week with dh… this finalizing financial details takes incredible patience. His “charming” behavior around others makes me physically ill. :doh2: I doubt that anyone aquainted with his charming exterior will ever believe him capable of such deceptive behavior. Scary.

He has been “around” too much this week… too helpful… offering to help with the car maintenance, the home repairs… He is up to something. I have been forewarned of fake “repentative” behavior. (thanks Liberasomalo) So, I checked his cell phone (covertly ) and verified the very last call (and many more that same day) was made to the mistress.

OK - so he has NOT had a change of heart, has not left the lover. Prior to the “lightbulb” of reality I would have been hopeful. Since the lightbulb I have become much more cautious -The pain still iterally takes my breath away. I still cry - but not as pitifully as before.:bighanky:

Those of us who have been emotionally abused and betrayed… do you think there is something in our nature that draws these men to us? Too agreeable perhaps? Too willing to nurture and put ourselves at the very end of the line? I’m wondering what it is about me that makes me an easy mark. How can I insure my daughters and son will make better choices?

BMB, I urge you to look into a book called “Rebuilding: When your relationship ends”. It covers many of the questions you’re asking. It does not answer them for you, it helps you find your own answers. It can be instense…if it’s too early for you to get through right now, please keep it in mind for when you’re ready to work all this out for yourself.

“Rebuilding” talks about adaptive behaviors that we all create from childhood in order to get what we want/need. My adaptive behaviors led, in part, to my marriage with my emotionally abusive and distant spouse. So, the short answer is YES, there is something about us that draws us to these relationships…but it’s different for each of us. My issues included a need to help people so they would rely on me, need me, and love me.

Divorces have a “honeymoon” period just like marriages. That might be what’s happening with hubby right now. You’re separated, he’s getting what he wants, and all of a sudden it’s not so hard for him to be helpful at the house. Since he’s still involved with the mistress, his “nice” actions are selfish in nature…to keep from making waves, to appease you so you don’t take the divorce to a nasty level, to look like a nice guy, etc. You’re already on to him.

God bless you. The Divine Mercy is SO POWERFUL! You’re in good hands.

 

[BMB]

BMB, I urge you to look into a book called “Rebuilding: When your relationship ends”. It covers many of the questions you’re asking. It does not answer them for you, it helps you find your own answers.

Thanks for the book referrel. I have requested it from my library and am interested to look at it.

Divorces have a “honeymoon” period just like marriages. That might be what’s happening with hubby right now. You’re separated, he’s getting what he wants, and all of a sudden it’s not so hard for him to be helpful at the house. Since he’s still involved with the mistress, his “nice” actions are selfish in nature…to keep from making waves, to appease you so you don’t take the divorce to a nasty level, to look like a nice guy, etc. You’re already on to him.

oh no. He called ME, not the kids last night and wanted to set up a special weekend for me and the kids for my birthday. Without him of course… Say what?

Why? Two years ago he abandoned me on my birthday to go to a rock concert with “friends” from work (Mistress). He didn’t even bother to get me a present form himself or the kids (typical). Perhaps he is trying to keep me off balance. I am a little freaked… what is he doing this for?

My gut reaction is to say NO thank you because He is no longer responsible for helping me celebrate my birithday. If he were offering a weekend FOR the KIDS maybe it would feel less icky. Where is he getting the money? There is NO extra money that I am aware of.

I was feeling so strong too… I wish he couldn’t push my buttons so easily. I would have absolutely cherished such an offer of attention from him years ago. Now it just makes me sad and suspicious. He never mentions the girlfriend but I know she is still in his life, big time.

HELP!

 

[Liberanosamalo]

I’d be suspicious too. My ex MIL told me a story where when the marriage was failing between her and xh’s father, he sent her on vacation. Which should have alerted her something was up. She found out later he used that weekend to bring his girlfriend into the house and pick out stuff that she wanted for their house.

I trust by now you have new locks on the door and he has NO key, or has had no chance to take a key imprint from your new locks.

You may come back and find he’s been in the place.

Maybe that’s rash judgment on my part. But I’ve been burned. You are right. It is no longer his concern what kind of birthday you have. Don’t leave your house. It smells too fishy what he is doing.

If he has money to spare, tell him to put it towards clothes for the kids. That is a good enough gift for you.

I predict he will get angry or irritated when you turn down his “generosity.” You’re not jumping to his tune anymore. Keep doing the unexpected. He’s given you nothing real to grasp onto for years.

 

[EvelynEVF]

In the literature on borderlines, where there is a lot of overlap with narcissists, they talk about Hoovering. That’s where the borderline tries to bring back some of the good behavior and good times in order to keep you off-balance and suck you back in. Even though I see it for what it is, it’s still very disturbing.

 

[Lerin]

Thanks for the book referrel. I have requested it from my library and am interested to look at it.

oh no. He called ME, not the kids last night and wanted to set up a special weekend for me and the kids for my birthday. Without him of course… Say what?

Why? Two years ago he abandoned me on my birthday to go to a rock concert with “friends” from work (Mistress). He didn’t even bother to get me a present form himself or the kids (typical). Perhaps he is trying to keep me off balance. I am a little freaked… what is he doing this for?

My gut reaction is to say NO thank you because He is no longer responsible for helping me celebrate my birithday. If he were offering a weekend FOR the KIDS maybe it would feel less icky. Where is he getting the money? There is NO extra money that I am aware of.

I was feeling so strong too… I wish he couldn’t push my buttons so easily. I would have absolutely cherished such an offer of attention from him years ago. Now it just makes me sad and suspicious. He never mentions the girlfriend but I know she is still in his life, big time.

HELP!

Oh my goodness. So he couldn’t be bothered to cancel his date with the Mistress while you were married, but suddenly has a magical stash of cash to treat you to a weekend now? Definitely decline. Politely, but firmly. Ask for something for the children… that was a great suggestion.

:hug3:

 

[Deborah_Whitman]

I trust by now you have new locks on the door and he has NO key, or has had no chance to take a key imprint from your new locks.

You may come back and find he’s been in the place.

**The courts in Michigan forced me to let him stay in the house or else he didn’t have to keep paying for it or support me if he didn’t want to. I would have had to go to court and tried for a support order, but I would have lost. (I lost everything anyway in the long run!) But for 18 mos. I was forced to live with never knowing when or if he was coming in at any time of the night. He moved in with his whore way before the divorce was final, but he came back every once in a while so I couldn’t claim abandonment. It made me a nervous wreck, it felt like a home invasion. It was pure misery, and I lived in fear becasue he had been abusive in the past and the divorce got really ugly!
I envy you if yours is gone at least you get some peace…don’t let him manipulate you…STAY STRONG! **

 

[Green1]

BMB Your story is exactly like mine. My ex even converted to Catholicism a year before we were married! Three years ago I went through all of this too. And I thought we were happy. You are getting a lot of great advice here but there is some bad advice too. Please don’t let anyone make you feel that you have done anything wrong or failed in anyway. You cannot affair proof a marriage, because a marriage takes two people and both people have to be 100% committed. If only one is it isn’t the fault of the other. I went through it all and have come out on the other side. What he has done was not only against you but your children and God. I tried everything to reconcile with my husband when he left our child and me, but I didn’t know about the extent of the affair until later. My priest was also hesitant to give advice. But asking what the man who left wants is not good advice. He has broken your trust and while you still love him you cannot trust him. Trust is the foundation of everything. I gave my ex time and a chance to change and come back. He even went to confession and begged me not to get the divorce one week before it would be final. Yet he couldn’t agree to be the man I needed. He just kept asking for me to save him and that I was obligated to take him back. I found out that it was just because he didn’t want to loose the house and half his assets and he hadn’t even told the other woman goodbye. You need to keep what control you have over the situation. I would have taken him back too, but he said a negative comment about our faith and it was a revelation that I cannot make him the man we need. There is nothing I can do and I can not accept him back as he is right now. I told him I needed the divorce but I would be open to dating him again when he put his life back together and he could spiritually be the man we needed. The next day he was living with the other woman. I am so glad that God gave me that gut feeling to not trust him.

I hope that your attorney is fantastic and an advocate for you. I learned, too late, that I gave too much custody because I trusted her. My ex didn’t want a set schedule because he didn’t want to be the bad guy if he missed his visitations so surprise, six months of no visitations. Then only after I let him know I was engaged he took me to court to try to get a visitation schedule every weekend and three days a week! The judge said no and gave us this schedule: our child was three - only two weekday visits the first and second week of the month and one weekend day the 2nd and 4th week of the month (be sure you put this instead of every other week, because it will give you any extra weekends and make it easier for you to plan vacations in the future than if you have to count out all the visitations from the beginning of the year). Now that she is 4 he gets one weeknight twice a month and one overnight twice a month. Next year the weeknight visitation will go away and he will get the whole weekend and it is constant from then on. This is a very reasonable schedule and will be acceptable to any judge.

While he still feels guilty draw up all the paperwork at once. Make sure it fits you now and will fit you in the future. Make sure that your lives are as separate as possible on paper. Ex. child care payments are made through the court and directly to the day care. Give yourself as much custody as you can (ex: plaintiff receives physical custody with visitation rights of the father - Try to avoid joint physical custody - it is very difficult to manage) and control over the children’s schooling, and medical decisions. Put in that the other woman cannot contact you and the discipline of your children must come through you and your ex. I only say this to help you avoid multiple trips to court and attorney fees later. You can never get any of this back if you don’t put in all into writing in the beginning. And he might feel guilty enough that he signs over the house to you and agrees to the rest. Separate all your debt and put everything in paper that you want to stay with you and the house. Think about your children and what they will need. Make sure that you provide that they will be allowed to attend CCD and prepare for first communion during his visits as well.

I didn’t think that my child would ever be around the other woman, but then they got married! Now she is involved too. And if this happens there is nothing you can do to keep them apart. I had even put in our first paperwork that she was not to be around my child but once they were married the judge allowed it. Even if she is spanking your children as long as she doesn’t leave a bruise CPS can’t do a thing so please plan ahead. I’m sorry if I’m scaring you but I was hit so hard with reality when all this happened to me because no one told me what could happen.

Don’t forget that you also get half of his retirement.

Also try to do your annulment paperwork as soon as you possibly can. I know right now you don’t feel like you will ever want to marry again, right now you don’t even know if you want to be divorced. But it would be good to sever the ties between the two of you so you are free to live. And if you do the questions (it took me two months to fill out) while everything is fresh in your mind it will be easier to put behind you than having to dredge it all up again later. After I started it took 15 months to process. By then I had already met my new husband. I never dreamed that it would happen, but I have happiness and love to a faithful Catholic Man who I trust with my life. Life will never be the same but it can be better. God bless you-

 

[Angels_Unaware]

Green1, thanks for bringing up the advice of not blindly trusting your lawyer. Unless you are wealthy and have a family attorney on retainer, you must never blindly trust your lawyer. Lawyers will lie to you about the law for petty reasons to prevent you from having access to a right that is yours legally. Lawyers will make deals behind your back and will pursue personal and political vendettas at your expense.

A quote from one of my professors who teaches law and business classes to graduate students and for the government, “Too many young lawyers don’t understand their role as advocates for the clients. They believe that they are supposed to be judges. They come of out of law school with idealistic notions about executing justice, and they do so unfairly and at the expense of their clients.”

In other words, if you get a lawyer who doesn’t like your hair style they might lie to you and pressure you into a settlement that isn’t in your best interest, for no other reason than they can, they don’t care, and nobody holds them accountable.