Attachment Parenting - How do you attach when you've waited so long to attach?

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AServantofGod

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I have one of Dr. Sears’ books; however, we chose not to use attachment parenting because we were scheduling :bigyikes: . This saddens me because we have a very physical daughter who, I feel, missed out on the physical contact which she needed.

I am trying to make up for those times (our children are now elementary school age). In the mornings they lie down with me for about an hour after my husband goes to work, we homeschool (could we be too attached?), and at night I lie down with each for about 10 minutes.

I’ve been doing this for about 2 years now but haven’t seen big changes in behavior. Dr. Sears seemed to suggest that sibling rivalry, misbehaviors, and disrespect toward parents are less in children whose parents used Attachment Parenting. Shouldn’t I see improvement in said behaviors by trying to attach to my children? Any suggestions?
 
go ahead, if your kid is not confused enough, she will be by the time you try every parenting fad that is out there. ever try going by your parenting instincts instead of the experts?
 
#1- Don’t cry over spilled milk 🙂 You made decisions years ago because you thought they were best. We can’t undo the past.

#2- Maybe the kids are old enough that what they need now is emotional closeness more than physical. Take them on 1 on 1 dates. Grocery shopping, breakfast out, errands etc. My 14 yr old was very cuddly when she was young. She’s not anymore (it’s not cool when you’re 14!) but we do enjoy going to Starbucks or the grocery store together. If you already do these things, keep doing them! Sometimes the payoff comes later and you just have to wait. --KCT
 
Ditch the books and just follow your insticts as a parent. Let the love just happen naturally. :love: :blessyou:
 
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puzzleannie:
go ahead, if your kid is not confused enough, she will be by the time you try every parenting fad that is out there. ever try going by your parenting instincts instead of the experts?
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Problem is, not everybody’s instincts are very good mine included. I don’t feel I was well equipped as a parent. This may be hard for you to understand but not everybody is well equipped.
 
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kaymart:
Ditch the books and just follow your insticts as a parent. Let the love just happen naturally. :love: :blessyou:
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Not everybody has good parenting instincts. I have a whole list (in my head so as not to incriminate myself) of bad parenting instincts gone awry.
 
KCT said:
#1- Don’t cry over spilled milk 🙂 You made decisions years ago because you thought they were best. We can’t undo the past.

#2- Maybe the kids are old enough that what they need now is emotional closeness more than physical. Take them on 1 on 1 dates. Grocery shopping, breakfast out, errands etc. My 14 yr old was very cuddly when she was young. She’s not anymore (it’s not cool when you’re 14!) but we do enjoy going to Starbucks or the grocery store together. If you already do these things, keep doing them! Sometimes the payoff comes later and you just have to wait. --KCT
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Thanks for the suggestions. I like the 1 on 1 date idea.
 
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AServantofGod:
I have one of Dr. Sears’ books; however, we chose not to use attachment parenting because we were scheduling :bigyikes: . This saddens me because we have a very physical daughter who, I feel, missed out on the physical contact which she needed.

I am trying to make up for those times (our children are now elementary school age). In the mornings they lie down with me for about an hour after my husband goes to work, we homeschool (could we be too attached?), and at night I lie down with each for about 10 minutes.

I’ve been doing this for about 2 years now but haven’t seen big changes in behavior. Dr. Sears seemed to suggest that sibling rivalry, misbehaviors, and disrespect toward parents are less in children whose parents used Attachment Parenting. Shouldn’t I see improvement in said behaviors by trying to attach to my children? Any suggestions?
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How old are your children?
Expect that you will see a change in children in the time equal to their ages!
Good Lord, people seemed to have piled on you here. Lady, you are doing just fine!
The experts look at children with generalities. Not all kids are round pegs. Every child is different.
I was very much into attachment parenting. We had the co-bed and for two years each child was on my hip. The only thing I couldn’t do was breastfeed for medical reasons.
BUT, all of those behaviors happen in the best of children. They don’t magically go away. Discipline is being consistant. Don’t change what you are doing midstream.

I will pray to St. Anne for you. You may want to do the same. She had the child all of us would like to have!
 
netmil(name removed by moderator):
I will pray to St. Anne for you. You may want to do the same. She had the child all of us would like to have!
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Thanks so much!
 
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AServantofGod:
Thanks for the suggestions. I like the 1 on 1 date idea.
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I even enjoy trips to the grocery store w/ my 17 yr old son. We get away from the house and chat about things. (And he knows I’ll buy Scooby Do fruit snacks if he asks nicely!!) Enjoy your kids and try not to fret too much over the past. I really believe the devil can do lots of harm when we second guess everything! --KCT (a fellow homeschooler 🙂
 
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AServantofGod:
Problem is, not everybody’s instincts are very good mine included. I don’t feel I was well equipped as a parent. This may be hard for you to understand but not everybody is well equipped.
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I can relate to what you are saying. My mother had a horrible relationship with her mother. Most likely starting from birth. And her mother with my mother’s grandmother. My mom tried with my sister and I, but she wasn’t equiped with that instinct and didn’t have that role model. In both situations there was no father for most of the time, and a bad father figure for the rest of the time. I was very lucky to have the father that I do and the paternal grandmother that I do. I had many positive experinces with them. I understand reading books by the “experts”, but you don’t always have to do exactly what they do. Just try to see what works with you kids. At the age they are in, they would probably like it much better if you did the one on one “dates” with them. Let them teach you something for a change. Let them teach you about one of their interests. Or try something that is new for both of you. One thing I’ve learned is not to look back on the past. I have two sons with autism. It is very easy to look back and say “What if I did this and that caused it. Or what if it was what I didn’t do?” The fact that you are reding these books shows that you care and that you are a better parent than you think you are. Go give your kids a hug and tell them that you love them. They can never hear that enough.
 
I have no idea who Dr. Sears is or for that matter what attachment parenting is. Nor did I ever spend hours in bed with any of my kids–it would have driven me crazy no matter how many PhD.'s told me it was a good idea.

Just as kids have unique personalities and needs, every parent has his/her own style which reflects AND accommodates his/her strengths, weaknesses, likes and dislikes. Your kids adapt to that style and you become a much saner person to be around the sooner they do. Over time a family develops its own “personality” or “temperament” to integrate and meet everyone’s needs. I have a wonderful, unique relationship with each of my kids–probably because I relate to them as wonderful, unique individuals AND they have learned what buttons of mine are better not being pushed.

You sound like a very organized, thoughtful, analytical person (though perhaps in need of a shot of self-confidence.) If you approach parenting in this fashion, it doesn’t make you cold or detached–but probably provides your kids with a great deal of security, stability and predictability–a wonderful environment for kids! Pat yourself on the back and recognize that your “insincts” may not be as hidden or off-base as you seem to think and that not everyone with credentials knows your kids and your family’s temperament as well as you do.
 
I like Dr. Sears and I really love the whole idea of attachment parenting. The thing is - someone mentioned instincts - many parents already practice it and just don’t know there’s a name for it because so much IS instintual. Much of what “experts” tell us to do goes against our instincts, like not tending to a crying baby because “it will spoil him.” Dr. Sears makes a pretty good case that things like baby-wearing, breastfeeding, co-sleeping and tending to your infant when he cries are good, healthy, and actually instinctual.
 
My philosophy (from my mom, who was very much “detached” with 6 other small ones under 10) is that so long as your children know beyond the shadow of a doubt that they are loved unconditionally – that the love will FOREVER be there no matter what, and that they are a wanted, desired, and needed part of the family and your lives, the rest will fall into place. That line of thinking fits nicely with attachment parenting, but I know plenty of AP parents (myself included) who have taken it to extremes to their own detriment as parents…so just don’t throw the baby out with the bathwater and vice versa…Now, this doesn’t address discipline etc, but I do think that being secure in who you are and knowing you are loved and wanted lessens the need to “act out” or whatever they’re calling it these days…(I sound like an old fogie…LOL!) – I agree – you cannot go back; so move forward and use all you have learned to make the future the one you want for yourself as well as the future they dream of.
 
Hi!! I read a book on Attachment Parenting a few years ago. I felt like a terrible mom after I read it. I’m an adoptive mom, and basically it indicated that I pretty much lost out on developing a close “attached” relationship because I missed out on the first few months of their lives. I actually starting crying after I read that. Then, I realized what a bunch of hogwash it was. There are plenty of reasons parents, even biological ones, can’t attachment parent their children and everyone turns out just fine. I think the “date” night suggestion for you kids is wonderful. My husband and I do that with our 3 kids and we all feel, well…“attached”🙂
 
we chose not to use attachment parenting because we were scheduling
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Attachment parenting isn’t about a set of do’s and don’ts. It is about meeting the needs of your children. Dr. Sears often talks about doing what works. If some of his suggestions don’t work for you they don’t work for you. Spend time getting to know your children as people and you will develop lifelong friendships.
 
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spacecadet:
Attachment parenting isn’t about a set of do’s and don’ts. It is about meeting the needs of your children. Dr. Sears often talks about doing what works. If some of his suggestions don’t work for you they don’t work for you. Spend time getting to know your children as people and you will develop lifelong friendships.
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Makes lots of sense doesn’t it?
 
Dr. Sears is a trustworthy source. I would advocate his advice.

A simple thing I do is imagine what our Blessed Mother would have done to parent the Lord Jesus. Can we imagine her leaving the Lord to cry his little eyes out in the hut simply because it wasn’t “time” to eat yet? Can we imagine her abandoning Him in a room by Himself to cry himself to sleep when she could have cradled Him in her blessed arms?

I know you would do things differently if you could go back. If your children are open to snuggling, then do it. Some children aren’t snugglers. Attachment parenting is about responsiveness. Respond to their needs - the opposite of love is indifference - unresponsiveness. Remember to take short little spurts of time to hug them, make them look into your eyes and give them a hug and a kiss, tell them you love them. Laugh with them and delight in them, the way the Lord delights in all His children. Just do the best you can, tell them your concerns. Tell them you wished you would have done things differently when they were little, I have been surprised at times what an honest approach with my children produces.
 
Dr. Sears seemed to suggest that sibling rivalry, misbehaviors, and disrespect toward parents are less in children whose parents used Attachment Parenting.
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Well, sure, he would say that, given that he makes his livelihood out of promoting attachment parenting. 😉 Meanwhile, a doctor who subscribes to another theory will say something completely different. For instance, Robert Shaw, an MD with extensive experience working with troubled families, thinks the main reason for discipline problems isn’t “lack of attachment in infancy,” but rather, “overly indulgent or lazy parents, who aren’t willing to say ‘no’ and mean it.”

stoptheepidemic.com/

Who’s to say which of them is right? The empirical evidence for all these theories is sketchy, at best. I’d tend to agree with Island Oak that different methods work best for different families. And, to me, any method that causes prolonged feelings of guilt, self-doubt, and dwelling on the past, really isn’t working for you. (If you aren’t having those feelings, please forgive my presumption… but it’s the impression I get from your posts. 😦 )

BTW, unless your children suffered severe abuse or neglect, or had no consistent caregiver (e.g. were left with a different babysitter every week), I’d be willing to bet that they’re pretty well attached to you already – whether you followed AP, schedules, or whatever. But what do I know. I’m just a mom who hasn’t written any books. 😛
 
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mass4life:
Dr. Sears is a trustworthy source. I would advocate his advice.

A simple thing I do is imagine what our Blessed Mother would have done to parent the Lord Jesus. Can we imagine her leaving the Lord to cry his little eyes out in the hut simply because it wasn’t “time” to eat yet? Can we imagine her abandoning Him in a room by Himself to cry himself to sleep when she could have cradled Him in her blessed arms?
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If she hadn’t had a good night’s sleep in weeks b/c she was up nursing every two hours or caring for a house full of sick kids, instead of one perfect one, she just might have…😉
 
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