Attachment Parenting - How do you attach when you've waited so long to attach?

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For those who never heard of him this is Dr. Sears. The first time I heard about him was at our NFP class.
askdrsears.com/

This is attachment parenting
askdrsears.com/html/10/t130300.asp

I think he’s has some great advise for parent’s. Even if you don’t see marked changes right now. If nothing else your creating great feelings of closeness between to you and your children whether you see the results or not. They will remember those special times with you when they grow up, and will probably want to pass that on to their children.

I believe your efforts will bear fruit.
 
Island Oak:
If she hadn’t had a good night’s sleep in weeks b/c she was up nursing every two hours or caring for a house full of sick kids, instead of one perfect one, she just might have…😉
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LOL. 😛 I’m inclined to picture Jesus as sort of like my friend’s baby, who put himself on a four-hour nursing schedule and slept through the night from day one. (Yes, these things do happen…even among mere mortals!)
 
AServantofGod- You and I should chat :). I did not really use AP with my first child and feel the need to “catch up” with that now. I did things like cry-it-out with her, and listened to the silly people who said “holding a baby too much will spoil them”. I regret that.

With my next 2, I have used AP techniques and to tell you the truth, I see very little difference in the children themselves, I see the bigger difference in me in how I respond to them and their needs. When my daughter cries, I am sometimes annoyed 😦 , when one of my sons cries, I instinctively meet their needs with love and affection. I think AP changed the mother I am more than the children they are, kwim?

So- now- I cuddle my dd at night before bed, I cuddle all of my kids as much as they want.

One thing that has recently become clear to me was to never dismiss my children’s cries as meaningless or manipulative. If they are manipulative, so what? If I say, “no more cookies” and my dd starts crying, instead of being annoyed with her, I can cuddle her while she cries, tell her that I know it must stink for her to be told “no more cookies” when she can’t see a reason why. I can empathize with her and help her through her disappointment WITHOUT GIVING IN! I don’t have to ignore her and all of that, I can help her through it, and still not end up “spoiling” her or teaching her that crying gets her what she wants (unless what she wants is to be cuddled/loved on, in which case, I am happy to give that :)).

I am lucky that I was able to attach better with my boys as infants and only need to play “catch up” with one.

I strongly suggest the following book for you, it will change so much in your family life:
“Playful Parenting” by Cohen.

It is not all about “just being more playful”, in essence, it is about attaching to older children, it is about “connecting” with your kids in a meaningful way. It has been a tremendous help to me, and I was able to get it from the local library system, so- it doesn’t have to cost you a thing to check it out.

Keep on keeping on mama- forget mistakes made in the past, we all make them, and keep your focus on the future.

Most importantly, pray and ask the BVM to help you be the mother that your children need at all times, ask her to make your instincts reflect what you should do, ask her to show you the way (I have lots of pictures of her in my house for this reason). I know what it is like to not have instincts that you can trust (my instinct being to hit my children when I am frustrated 😦 ), so- try following the lead of mothers around you who you feel are doing well by their children, pray and do the best you can.
 
I have just “browsed” through this topic…I will read in more detail latter, but seems that I have been doing this “attachment” parenting all along…I don’t read parenting books.

My oldest (4 yo) sleeps with us still, my 11 month sleeps part of the time…my reason this is okay I want to share…

When I was going through Confirmation classes, my priest asked, “What does the security and love of God feel like to you?”…

I remembered back when I was little, sleeping in the bed with my mom and dad, in between them…oh, the security and love…just to have that again, but I do, with my Heavenly Father!

I want to give my children that security and love and if takes them sleeping in the same bed as me and my husband, so be it…they’ll sleep in their own room once they are “too big”.
 
If she hadn’t had a good night’s sleep in weeks b/c she was up nursing every two hours or caring for a house full of sick kids, instead of one perfect one, she just might have…😉
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Mary would have slept just fine even if she was nursing every 2 hours because cosleeping was the cultural custom (and still is for 3/4 of the world) and when you combine cosleeping with nursing the mom is well rested. I’ve been nursing through the night for over a year and am never tired. And no I can not imagine Mary leaving Jesus to cry and teaching Him that He can’t trust her to meet His needs.
 
For instance, Robert Shaw, an MD with extensive experience working with troubled families, thinks the main reason for discipline problems isn’t “lack of attachment in infancy,” but rather, “overly indulgent or lazy parents, who aren’t willing to say ‘no’ and mean it.”
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They are both problems. AP supports attachment as well as not being an over indulgent lazy parent. I think many people have this notion that AP is indulgen lazy parenting but it isn’t. I can tell you that as a former kindergarten teacher the most well adjusted kids in my class were the ones who were AP’d and that is why I chose to do it even though my family never heard of it. Also, that is how my MIL was raised on a rural farm in Ireland. Of course they didn’t have AP books or know what AP was. It was just what came natural
 
When I was going through Confirmation classes, my priest asked, “What does the security and love of God feel like to you?”…
Click to expand...
I remembered back when I was little, sleeping in the bed with my mom and dad, in between them…oh, the security and love…just to have that again, but I do, with my Heavenly Father!
Click to expand...
I want to give my children that security and love and if takes them sleeping in the same bed as me and my husband, so be it…they’ll sleep in their own room once they are “too big”.
Click to expand...
My parents bed was always forbidden to us. Maybe if it hadn’t been I wouldn’t have been afraid of the dark until I was 8. I had to work at realizing that Christ would never abandon me but for you it came naturally because it mirrored what your parents did. Beautiful post. Thanks for sharing.
 
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spacecadet:
They are both problems. AP supports attachment as well as not being an over indulgent lazy parent. I think many people have this notion that AP is indulgen lazy parenting but it isn’t. I can tell you that as a former kindergarten teacher the most well adjusted kids in my class were the ones who were AP’d and that is why I chose to do it even though my family never heard of it. Also, that is how my MIL was raised on a rural farm in Ireland. Of course they didn’t have AP books or know what AP was. It was just what came natural
Click to expand...
good post with good points 👍
 
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spacecadet:
Mary would have slept just fine even if she was nursing every 2 hours because cosleeping was the cultural custom (and still is for 3/4 of the world) and when you combine cosleeping with nursing the mom is well rested. I’ve been nursing through the night for over a year and am never tired. And no I can not imagine Mary leaving Jesus to cry and teaching Him that He can’t trust her to meet His needs.
Click to expand...
IT WAS A JOKE…that AP stuff doesn’t relieve you of your sense of humor, does it? You may well need it if you have 5 people rolling around in the bed all night together. 😃
 
Island Oak, don’t worry I caught on that it was a joke and you gave me a good chuckle. Thank you.
 
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jess7396:
AServantofGod- You and I should chat :). I did not really use AP with my first child and feel the need to “catch up” with that now. I did things like cry-it-out with her, and listened to the silly people who said “holding a baby too much will spoil them”. I regret that.

With my next 2, I have used AP techniques and to tell you the truth, I see very little difference in the children themselves, I see the bigger difference in me in how I respond to them and their needs. When my daughter cries, I am sometimes annoyed 😦 , when one of my sons cries, I instinctively meet their needs with love and affection. I think AP changed the mother I am more than the children they are, kwim?

So- now- I cuddle my dd at night before bed, I cuddle all of my kids as much as they want.

One thing that has recently become clear to me was to never dismiss my children’s cries as meaningless or manipulative. If they are manipulative, so what? If I say, “no more cookies” and my dd starts crying, instead of being annoyed with her, I can cuddle her while she cries, tell her that I know it must stink for her to be told “no more cookies” when she can’t see a reason why. I can empathize with her and help her through her disappointment WITHOUT GIVING IN! I don’t have to ignore her and all of that, I can help her through it, and still not end up “spoiling” her or teaching her that crying gets her what she wants (unless what she wants is to be cuddled/loved on, in which case, I am happy to give that :)).

I am lucky that I was able to attach better with my boys as infants and only need to play “catch up” with one.

I strongly suggest the following book for you, it will change so much in your family life:
“Playful Parenting” by Cohen.

It is not all about “just being more playful”, in essence, it is about attaching to older children, it is about “connecting” with your kids in a meaningful way. It has been a tremendous help to me, and I was able to get it from the local library system, so- it doesn’t have to cost you a thing to check it out.

Keep on keeping on mama- forget mistakes made in the past, we all make them, and keep your focus on the future.

Most importantly, pray and ask the BVM to help you be the mother that your children need at all times, ask her to make your instincts reflect what you should do, ask her to show you the way (I have lots of pictures of her in my house for this reason). I know what it is like to not have instincts that you can trust (my instinct being to hit my children when I am frustrated 😦 ), so- try following the lead of mothers around you who you feel are doing well by their children, pray and do the best you can.
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Thanks so much! This is what I needed to hear. I can relate to being annoyed when my children cry or want attention; I find it sad that I feel that way & try not to show it. Thanks also for the book suggestion. I will definately look into it.
 
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DJgang:
I.

When I was going through Confirmation classes, my priest asked, “What does the security and love of God feel like to you?”…

I remembered back when I was little, sleeping in the bed with my mom and dad, in between them…oh, the security and love…just to have that again, but I do, with my Heavenly Father!

I want to give my children that security and love and if takes them sleeping in the same bed as me and my husband, so be it…they’ll sleep in their own room once they are “too big”.
Click to expand...
What a beautiful reality. Thanks for sharing!
 
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spacecadet:
My parents bed was always forbidden to us. Maybe if it hadn’t been I wouldn’t have been afraid of the dark until I was 8. I had to work at realizing that Christ would never abandon me but for you it came naturally because it mirrored what your parents did. Beautiful post. Thanks for sharing.
Click to expand...
Your comment on feelings of Christ never abandoning & its connection to the security & trust that parents convey is touching.
 
I’m an adoptive mom as well and worry about my children’s attachment to us. They can both be defiant at times and need strict enforcement of rules, which I’m not great at.
But this week I took my 8 year old daughter out for hot chocolate and a “tea party”, and another day we baked cookies together, and she’s been much more loving and less whiney lately. One on one time, plus activities, helps a lot.
 
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Viki59:
I’m an adoptive mom as well and worry about my children’s attachment to us. They can both be defiant at times and need strict enforcement of rules, which I’m not great at.
But this week I took my 8 year old daughter out for hot chocolate and a “tea party”, and another day we baked cookies together, and she’s been much more loving and less whiney lately. One on one time, plus activities, helps a lot.
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That is so sweet Viki. Sometimes when I feel insecure about the “attachment” I have with my adoptive kids, I look around at other families. My kids are so well behaved, so loving, and so joyful, that my husband and I must have done something right, even though we didn’t have a family bed and missed the first few months with each kid. All of their teachers tell us that they are the best behaved, sweetest kids they have in their classes. I get annoyed with them when they whine, I have spanked them, I let them cry it out when they were babies (sometimes), but I love them dearly and let them know it in a thousand different ways every day. I consecrate them to our Blessed Mother each day (when I remember to do so) and I go to daily Mass and pray for them. Physical attachment is only part of “attachment” parenting—there’s also the spiritual and emotional parts that can be met even by us adoptive moms:)
 
IT WAS A JOKE…that AP stuff doesn’t relieve you of your sense of humor, does it? You may well need it if you have 5 people rolling around in the bed all night together.
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😃

my apologies…i do still have a sense of humor but i’ve run into many ezzoites that insist it is biblical to leave a crying baby alone, so i’m quick to respond to that. and i don’t ever plan on 5 in the bed. the first one will be out before tne next one comes.🙂
 
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Giannawannabe:
. Physical attachment is only part of “attachment” parenting—there’s also the spiritual and emotional parts that can be met even by us adoptive moms:)
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You are so right Giannawannabe.
 
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spacecadet:
my apologies…i do still have a sense of humor but i’ve run into many ezzoites that insist it is biblical to leave a crying baby alone, so i’m quick to respond to that.
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Hmm. I do think it’s okay to leave a crying baby alone sometimes, and I don’t think it makes my children any less happy, healthy, or “well-attached.” Does that make me an “ezzoite?” (Even if I don’t know what the word means…and I’m not really sure where “biblical” comes into it?)
and i don’t ever plan on 5 in the bed. the first one will be out before tne next one comes.🙂
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Some friends of mine were thinking along those lines, but it turned out that their first child wasn’t amenable to the idea. Now they’re up to 4 in a queen-sized bed, with no end in sight. 😛 So, you might want to think about “Plan B,” just in case…
 
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maryceleste:
Some friends of mine were thinking along those lines, but it turned out that their first child wasn’t amenable to the idea. Now they’re up to 4 in a queen-sized bed, with no end in sight. 😛 So, you might want to think about “Plan B,” just in case…
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I also know people who have ended up with many in bed, but just wanted to say that mine have done the one- at-a-time thing really well, the first 2 being only 18 months apart and #3 being 22 months after #2. A sidecarred crib works well if the older child still wants to be there. 👍 (that’s what we use when a sick kid needs to come back in with us).

Also- I am sure the person quoted is open to whatever her children really need if she is APing 😉 .
 
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