Attend Baby Shower or Not?

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My best friend’s daughter is expecting a baby and is unwed. My friend is not only having one baby shower, but two. I am dumbfounded. First off, I believe we all make mistakes but there is an order to things… marriage and then babies. Secondly, it is one thing to embrace LIFE, but I do not believe we should embrace the situation. Too often I’ve seen parents make things very easy for their expectant child. In turn, the child doesn’t grow up and take any responsibility and ends up making more bad choices. If we give unwed mothers baby showers, then aren’t we telling our children it’s okay to have children out of wedlock? Yes, we love and accept the child and baby, but do we give the mother all the joy and fun of being a married mother? Sorry, I’m just so disappointed and heart broken. Also, I do not believe I would be teaching my own daughters good values by attending an unwed baby shower, right?
 
A baby shower is to provide mom and baby with items that she will need, to show her love and support.

I would crochet her a handmade blanket and be there and even play the silly games.
 
While I agree that two baby showers (are you expected to attend both?!) is a bit much… the idea is to provide the mother with the things she will need to care for her baby. Babies whose parents are not married need onesies and receiving blankets as much as any other baby, right? It doesn’t strike me as being at all pro-life to snub mother and baby because of the circumstances of the pregnancy.
 
I would attend the baby shower, in fact I have been to more than one shower for an unwed mother. Pregnancy is not a sin. Having sexual relations outside of marriage is a sin. This isn’t a party celebrating sex, it’s celebrating life. And as pro-life Catholics I think it’s perfectly suitable to attend such a shower.
 
I also vote “attend the shower” and celebrate the mitzvah of a new life!

In this case, leave the Judgement out of it and support your friend, her daughter on her new journey, and the soon-to-be new little baby.

If you don’t what message are you sending to your own children? There will most likely be times when they fear that you won’t support their decisions - do you want them to remember “Mom couldn’t even go to that baby shower, IMAGINE how she is going to react to this…”

Wouldn’t you want them instead, to think “OK, I’ve screwed up, but Mom is an understanding person and I’m sure she will help me through this, not abandon me…”
 
kage_ar said:
A baby shower is to provide mom and baby with items that she will need, to show her love and support.

I would crochet her a handmade blanket and be there and even play the silly games.
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Amen! It’s another life to love and praise God, why not celebrate? We all make mistake… sometimes big ones.

The mistake is done, she is carrying the child and now doing what is right rather than taking the easy way out. God forgives us and asks us to forgive one another, just because we celebrate life doesn’t mean we condone her sin.
 
Attend the shower. You will be teaching your daughters that you not only “talk the talk” of supporting life, but you also “walk the walk” of supporting new life.

It’s very easy to support a “hypothetical pregnancy”, but it is much more difficult when it happens to people we know!

Time to put the money where the mouth is!

Go. This young woman is going to have a very difficult journey ahead of her, and you want to send her the message that her decision to carry this pregnancy to term was the right decision. Hopefully she won’t have sex outside of marriage again, but even if she does, wouldn’t you want her to make the same decision to keep the pregnancy? If she gets no support, she may think down the road, “No one really supports life, so why should I?”
 
If you would feel too uncomfortable with attending the shower (for reasons you stated above) you might feel better about sending a small gift that is baby designated. For example a blanket, a book, or something along those lines.

Perhaps another way of thinking about this shower is that the mother could have chosen to abort the baby, which would have been a lot worse. By going to the shower you’re affirming her decision to keep her baby.
 
A baby shower should be about showing love and care for the baby and the new mommie. This baby isn’t being born into the most ideal situation but it’s birth should be celebrated and the mom supported in her decision…to have her baby! In the past few years I have been to many showers for unwed moms and their babies. It is not all that uncommon now. The first Baby Shower I ever help to organize was in 1971, I was a 15 year old high school sophomore. Two classmate friends and I threw a shower for our 15 year old unmarried friend and classmate…maybe I’ve always bee na bit ahead of my time!
 
bjj,
Everyone that has responded here has given very positive reasons for you to consider attending the baby shower. Perhaps if you look at it as showing support for Life instead of celebrating a sin, you would also be able to use this as a teaching moment for your own children. You can teach them that we all do the wrong thing at some time, and that even though you may not like the sin, you will still love and support them regardless. The compassion you show to this new mother will speak volumes to your own children about your Faith.
 
Something to ponder…
What is worse? Having sex outside of marriage, not using contraceptives and becoming pregnant or Having sex outside of marriage, using contraceptives and not becoming pregnant until you are married and cease using contraceptives?
The person who you think did it in the “right order of things” may not have at all. I think this is a good lesson to teach your girls about choosing life, and about not judging others for their mistakes.
 
bjj said:
My best friend’s daughter is expecting a baby and is unwed. My friend is not only having one baby shower, but two. I am dumbfounded. First off, I believe we all make mistakes but there is an order to things… marriage and then babies. Secondly, it is one thing to embrace LIFE, but I do not believe we should embrace the situation. Too often I’ve seen parents make things very easy for their expectant child. In turn, the child doesn’t grow up and take any responsibility and ends up making more bad choices. If we give unwed mothers baby showers, then aren’t we telling our children it’s okay to have children out of wedlock? Yes, we love and accept the child and baby, but do we give the mother all the joy and fun of being a married mother? Sorry, I’m just so disappointed and heart broken. Also, I do not believe I would be teaching my own daughters good values by attending an unwed baby shower, right?
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I am speechless at how foul your attitude is.

I am sure the pro-choice movement thanks you from the bottom of their heart for lending your support. Your insistence on punishing the unmarried woman by denying that she is worthy of a baby shower creates just the right amount of fear and shame to push 50% of women who find themselves in this situation to abort.

You might be careful. A day may come when you find yourself judged by others. You may come to regret your attitude when you receive it from others.
 
Attend the shower! Goodness, how can you say you’re pro-life and want her to keep the pregnancy and then say she doesn’t deserve any financial help in caring for the baby?

I’d attend and show my children what being pro-life is really about!

This hits a personal note with me as I’m married and expecting my first child after two miscarriages–and yet none of my friends or family have thrown us a shower. Providing for a baby isn’t cheap–you need a carseat and a bed, stroller and diapers, outfits and so much more. Thankfully my DH and I have generous co-workers who got together for us, but still–I don’t understand why people are so reluctant to celebrate a new baby and help the new parents out! :confused::confused::confused:
 
Angels_Unaware said:
I am speechless at how foul your attitude is.

I am sure the pro-choice movement thanks you from the bottom of their heart for lending your support. Your insistence on punishing the unmarried woman by denying that she is worthy of a baby shower creates just the right amount of fear and shame to push 50% of women who find themselves in this situation to abort.

You might be careful. A day may come when you find yourself judged by others. You may come to regret your attitude when you receive it from others.
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A little harsh, but I most definitely ditto this. It still amazes me that people are shocked by the number of abortions in this country. OP’s attitude is probably one of the big reasons.

A little kindness goes a long way. Go to the shower and celebrate a new life. The mom of the baby has to go through everything you went through to have your kids even though the baby wasn’t created in the most ideal circumstances.
 
bjj said:
Also, I do not believe I would be teaching my own daughters good values by attending an unwed baby shower, right?
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I thought about this some more…

By NOT attending, you would be teaching your daughters that if they made a mistake, they should hide it. If they made a mistake and got pregnant before marriage, she should be hidden away and shown shame. She should be made to feel embarrassed. She should not be shown support.

OR…

You could teach them that WE ALL MAKE MISTAKES, and when mistakes are made, we make the best of the situation. In this case, the woman is KEEPING the pregnancy, the baby gets LIFE, AND she gets a support system around her to affirm her decision to choose life.
 
Go to the shower, and maybe take something for the new Grandma to be too. You will be supporting a new mom, a new baby, and a new grandma all at the same time. Take your daughters show them what it means to be a friend and what it means to support life. This has to be hard for your friend would you want her to avoid you because one of your children made a mistake.
 
bjj said:
My best friend’s daughter is expecting a baby and is unwed. My friend is not only having one baby shower, but two. I am dumbfounded. First off, I believe we all make mistakes but there is an order to things… marriage and then babies. Secondly, it is one thing to embrace LIFE, but I do not believe we should embrace the situation. Too often I’ve seen parents make things very easy for their expectant child. In turn, the child doesn’t grow up and take any responsibility and ends up making more bad choices. If we give unwed mothers baby showers, then aren’t we telling our children it’s okay to have children out of wedlock? Yes, we love and accept the child and baby, but do we give the mother all the joy and fun of being a married mother? Sorry, I’m just so disappointed and heart broken. Also, I do not believe I would be teaching my own daughters good values by attending an unwed baby shower, right?
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I probably wouldn’t attend and would just send a gift card. Pray about it and discern the best way to handle it. You know them better than I do, try to do the right thing.
 
bjj said:
Too often I’ve seen parents make things very easy for their expectant child. In turn, the child doesn’t grow up and take any responsibility and ends up making more bad choices.
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Unless the parents take full care of the baby and let and let their run wild, I see shared responsibility while their child finishes high school. There are quite a few women here who were single mothers at one time, and niether they nor their parents would say that it was “very easy” for either.
bjj said:
If we give unwed mothers baby showers, then aren’t we telling our children it’s okay to have children out of wedlock?
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No, because the gifts aren’t for the mother, the gifts are for the care and upbringing of the baby, who should not be punished.
bjj said:
Yes, we love and accept the child and baby, but do we give the mother all the joy and fun of being a married mother?
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There should be a joy in being a mother, whether married or not, whether it was consensual sex or not.

Having a baby out of wedlock may be shameful, but having the child itself is not a sin. And, in fact, the serious sin was having sex outside of the marriage bed – but the baby is not to suffer for his or her parent’s indiscretions – that’s why we don’t kill babies who are conceived from rape. Finally, if the daughter goes to Confession and is received back into the Church before the baby is born, I would hate to be the one to make life more difficult for someone who is already struggling.
 
I recommend if it is hard for you to go to either of the showers to at least send a present for the baby or if mom is going to breatfeed, give her some lansnol (sp?) and other breastfeeding supportive items. Babies need things whether they are born within the bonds of marriage or not.
Lil_Cat said:
A little harsh, but I most definitely ditto this. It still amazes me that people are shocked by the number of abortions in this country. OP’s attitude is probably one of the big reasons.
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I don’t think our op’s attitude is a big reason women get abortions. Of the women I talk to who have had an abortion it is usually a convenience thing, “I was only 15 and had my whole life before me”, “I was in college what was I supposed to do?”, “I had an affair and this baby isn’t my husbands so the best solution is to kill it (oh, wait, she would say, get an abortion)” I could go on and yes, these are from real life people I have counseled at the CPC I volunteer at. The biggest reason many women get abortions is the lack of support they find themselves in, at our CPC I let them know that all of us there are willing to have them just come and talk to us if they need it, come and we will cry with you if things in your life are going wrong as the result of your pregnancy (boyfriend leaves, parents angry, whatever). We also do as much as we are able to help materially.
Lil_Cat said:
A little kindness goes a long way. Go to the shower and celebrate a new life. The mom of the baby has to go through everything you went through to have your kids even though the baby wasn’t created in the most ideal circumstances.
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This is a really good statement, yes, the life is here now - never mind the circumstances of how it got here.

Brenda V.
 
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