Attention Singles and looking: Is smoking really a deal-breaker for you?

[jwashu]

So is drinkin’ a deal breaker? what about being 20 lbs overweight? what about not having an IQ high enough to get a decent job?

Come on people there are a lot of things worse than smoking (none of them are listed above those are meant to be examples).

I would think that someone’s relationship with God would be high on the list. If they have that and are a good person, you can work on the others.

We have gotten too tied up in this world in making lists and making diagnosis. If someone dosen’t fit in our perfect little understanding of what we THINK we want we are willing to not even consider it.

Smoking is an addiction but it can be overcome. Perhaps you should ask yourself this question. Could God ask me to love someone who smokes? Sure He can. Perhaps YOU are the person who can help them quit…

As someone who smokes I can tell the poster on the first page that I don’t know ANYONE, and I know a lot of people, who smokes and smokes in their home and that is irregardless of children. I have 3 and wouldn’t dare smoke in the house and those I know with children are the same.

The bottom line when looking for a spouse should be faith and love. If God brings that person into your life, don’t turn them away because they smoke or have any other small changable habits. Help them with it or see what they are like in regards to that habit.

I can tell you this, I would much rather have someone who had a cigarette outside once and a while than someone who drinks heavily or can’t control their temper. Luckly I don’t have to deal with either because I have a pretty great wife, but I could see those two be much more destructive.

Joe

 

[ecp007]

Yes it is a deal breaker, and you yourself have given the reasons:

I Smoking, while physically bad for you,

Choosing to smoke while knowing full well it is bad for your health goes to bad judgement, immaturity and weakness to succumb to peer pressure.

is very addictive

Even if cigarettes are the only addiction, any addiction is enough to be a deal breaker. By definition, a person who is addicted has a physical dependency on something that is adverse to well being. It will get in the way of achieving family financial goals, health goals, and creating a warm and inviting home (due to the stink). It will cause arguments. (Who could sit by silently and let a love one ruin their health?) I have seen it lead to dishonesty with smokers sneaking and lying to non-smoking spouses.

and hence EXTREMELY hard to break.

People who are addicted to cigarettes tend to have an addictive personality. So even if they quit, they replace the dependency on food, drink, or other addictions with the same problems already mentioned above.

I could never discount a person JUST because they might smoke.

Smoking isn’t a result of a bad choice. It is a result of a bad character. The weakness that leads to smoking will show up in other areas of their life as well.

So yes, it is a deal breaker.

 

[sanctamaria17]

The thing about drinking is that, if done responsibly, it can actually be good for you. Also, if done responsibly, does not have harmful physical effects on everyone in your surroundings. I have had wine in the past (I am Italian) in controlled amounts and it’s not the same.

Smoking means the stuff would have to enter MY lungs, MY mouth and harm MY health in addition to his. Like I said, it’s surprising that I can be athletic and sing, because I have terrible respiratory health and a family history of respiratory health problems. If a guy is willing to put me at risk to support his addiction, he has a problem.

As for the overweight thing, I’m not going to automatically write him off, but regardless, I expect any guy I date to take care of himself, to eat healthy, exercise regularly, and groom himself, regardless of his weight or height. Addictions of any kind, whether it be smoking, alcoholism, overeating, pornography,or any illegal drugs, are deal breakers for me. I would not want it in my house and I would not want any of my future kids to undergo any of those things or learn those bad habits from their parents.

As for their relationship with God, if it’s that good, they’d understand that their body was a temple of God and therefore do their best to take care of it. Also, they have an obligation to the health of their family and cigarettes are unhealthy to everyone involved. Alcohol’s only physically harmful to the person who drinks it, and only if they’re irresponsible, which would cause me to run away from them in the first place.

 

[jman507]

I would probably say more that it is would be a preference against smokers. I could say a deal-breaker, but that would probably be more theoritical than actual in practice. Character issues would probably be closer to anything as a deal-breaker, and smoking would be low on the priority list of deal-breakers. I’m just thinking once you are actually in the mindset of having bonded to this person, it may overcome the preference against.

 

[jmcrae]

So is drinkin’ a deal breaker? what about being 20 lbs overweight? what about not having an IQ high enough to get a decent job?

Uh - friend, yes. Potential spouse? Why?

 

[jrabs]

Yep - deal breaker. One date and that’s all he’d get.

There is nothing wrong with having deal breakers. You should be attracted to your spouse. If smoking is not attractive in your opinion, then it is OK.

 

[SMHW]

I was reading on a Catholic singles website that smoking would be considered a deal-breaker in a their search for a potential spouse.

Isn’t that a little harsh? Smoking, while physically bad for you, is very addictive and hence EXTREMELY hard to break. I could never discount a person JUST because they might smoke.

I’m not single but smoking was definitely a deal-breaker when I was single some 20+ years ago.

My parents did not smoke and I always found it offensive when I was around relatives and friends who did. I’ve never considered it a moral issue. I’ve never had a close friend who smoked but I’ve known plenty of people who’s company I enjoy that did smoke.

I do know that when I was pregnant the first two times smoking had not been made illegal indoors. I had some cubicle mates who smoked and it was especially awful. I pretty much had morning sickness every waking moment for the first three months or so and the smoke made things MUCH worse.

As others have said, we get to make certain personal preference choices about those we intend to marry, even if they may seem trivial to others. We don’t have that ability once we are validly married. So prior to marriage is the time to look for people who do/don’t smoke, are neat/don’t mind messiness, prefer dogs/cats/fish, love/hate snow, etc.

 

[CarrieH]

So is drinkin’ a deal breaker? what about being 20 lbs overweight? what about not having an IQ high enough to get a decent job?

I would gladly associate with any of the above as a friend, but I wouldn’t marry a heavy drinker, a seriously obese person (20# isn’t enough to worry about), or someone who couldn’t hold a decent job, whether it was IQ-related or not. In fact, I was seriously involved with someone of high IQ who couldn’t keep a job, and my priest said that he would not marry us unless and until this man could prove that he could support a family. We later broke up, and it was a good thing.

Marriage is hard enough in this crazy world. Why would I make a lifelong commitment to someone who has a habit or some other trait which I would find difficult to tolerate, and have to live with that every day of my life? Sure, people can quit smoking, but it’s very difficult, and many times they relapse during times of stress. Marriage is not reform-school, and anyone who marries someone hoping to change them is setting themselves up for disappointment.

 

[duskyjewel]

Having kissed one smoker while dating, I can say I never had any desire to have another relationship with one. I liked the guy, but kissing him was DISGUSTING.

Plus, in dating I was looking for someone to marry and have children with! So I have to think about the home my children will be growing in. Did I want increased risk of cancer or SIDS for my children? Did I want someone who would be literally wasting hundreds of dollars a month that could be spent on healthy or useful things? Did I want an example right in front of them telling them it was perfectly fine to smoke? That is not wise when looking to raise a family.

My mother smokes, and my clothes stank of it. I HATED going everywhere smelling like an ashtray. I had a teacher berate me for smoking, going on about how I was wrecking my lungs, and when I told her I didn’t smoke, she wouldn’t believe me, because I reeked of cigarrettes. My mother’s habit ruined a beautiful suede jacket I had, because the soft texture just sucked in the smell and nothing I did could get rid of it.

Smoking was a dealbreaker for me after the one relationship I had with a smoker. You can think it’s unfair all you want, but all of us have the right to choose what we will live with. A smelly, cancer-causing, money-wasting, potentially child-damaging habit is something many of us do not want as part of our lives.

Another point: My grandmother, who never smoked, has emphysema and must use a nebulizer everyday, thanks to 50 years of secondhand smoke from my grandfather. I don’t want to ruin my own health through living with a smoker, either.

 

[historybrat]

So is drinkin’ a deal breaker? what about being 20 lbs overweight? what about not having an IQ high enough to get a decent job? You are comparing apples and oranges. Being overweight, a drinker, not have a high IQ or not being able to hold a job for whatever reason are turnoffs. But they do not necessarily physically impact others. As a child of two chain smokers I now have a lifetime of problems that I get to deal with. Anything which could potentially physically damage me or my children (if God ever blesses me with any) becomes a deal breaker.

Come on people there are a lot of things worse than smoking (none of them are listed above those are meant to be examples).
There are definitely worse things, but it doesn’t make this any less important.

I would think that someone’s relationship with God would be high on the list. If they have that and are a good person, you can work on the others.That of course is definitely a quality I am looking for, but if you have a good relationship with God, why would you not treat your body better, and show respect for all of God’s creatures by not inflicting others with life threatening diseases.

We have gotten too tied up in this world in making lists and making diagnosis. If someone dosen’t fit in our perfect little understanding of what we THINK we want we are willing to not even consider it.I don’t think most people, and I know I don’t, think that there is a perfect someone out there. But that doesn’t mean that we should have absolutely no standards.

Smoking is an addiction but it can be overcome. Perhaps you should ask yourself this question. Could God ask me to love someone who smokes? Sure He can. Perhaps YOU are the person who can help them quit…Again hate to burst a bubble but if you date or marry someone and think you are going to change them, then you are living in a fantasy land. No one can change anyone else. If they want to quite they will, if they don’t nothing you can do will change them.

As someone who smokes I can tell the poster on the first page that I don’t know ANYONE, and I know a lot of people, who smokes and smokes in their home and that is irregardless of children. I have 3 and wouldn’t dare smoke in the house and those I know with children are the same. God bless you for that, however I know at least two people, I call them mom and dad.Also don’t kid yourself, you are exposing your children to second hand smoke. It gets in your clothes, and lingers where ever you smoke. Your kids are exposed, maybe not directly but they are exposed.Not attacking, but please lets be honest.

The bottom line when looking for a spouse should be faith and love. If God brings that person into your life, don’t turn them away because they smoke or have any other small changable habits. Help them with it or see what they are like in regards to that habit.
Again smoking is not a small changeable habit. Its highly addictive and damaging to the body

I can tell you this, I would much rather have someone who had a cigarette outside once and a while than someone who drinks heavily or can’t control their temper. Luckly I don’t have to deal with either because I have a pretty great wife, but I could see those two be much more destructive.

Joe

Please understand that I’m not attacking you or anyone else that doesn’t see smoking as a deal breaker. But I do want you and others to understand why some of us do. My mom cannot sleep for more than 2 hours at a time because her lungs are so damaged.Even though the doctor told her it will kill her she still smokes because she is that addicted. My sister cannot play any sports or do rigorous activities because of second hand smoke. If it is a habit that doesn’t not physically or emotionally damage me or those around me I could care less.You want to sing showtunes at the top of you lungs in the shower, go for it. But smoking does affect everyone around that person. I don’t think when its something that can impact physically those around you that its being picky. Again not trying to attack anyone, but I do want you to understand why for some us this is a deal breaker.

Historybrat

 

[shannyk]

Having kissed one smoker while dating, I can say I never had any desire to have another relationship with one. I liked the guy, but kissing him was DISGUSTING.

Plus, in dating I was looking for someone to marry and have children with! So I have to think about the home my children will be growing in. Did I want increased risk of cancer or SIDS for my children? Did I want someone who would be literally wasting hundreds of dollars a month that could be spent on healthy or useful things? Did I want an example right in front of them telling them it was perfectly fine to smoke? That is not wise when looking to raise a family.

I was going to write my own reply but this bit of duskyjewel’s sums it up perfectly.

Definitely a deal breaker for me. It’s disgusting and completely inappropriate around children.The only but I could see is if they smoked very little (like 1 pack a week or something), and agreed never to smoke indoors, around me, or my children.

 

[tapiocapudding]

wowie… I just wanted to respond to someone who said that smoking represents a character flaw and that all smokers will have addictive personalities so it won’t matter if they quit…
that is awfully judgemental! I know many former smokers who have nothing wrong with them other than the fact that they got sucked into a bad habit when they were pretty young. My Mom smoked for 10 years, quit after she married my Dad and hasn’t touched a cigarette in almost 30 years. She’s a wonderful mother! My husband is currently quitting smoking but still has occaisional slip ups. I can’t say enough good things about my husband, he is patient and kind and easy going. He doesn’t have a temper or drink to excess and he certainly doesn’t have an addictive personality
I can totally understand why smoking would be a deal breaker for many, expecially if SO wants to smoke indoors or around children. Not everyone can deal with smokey breath or smell. But I can’t understand why someone would put down all smokers as bad people who are weak and stupid. It really isn’t easy to quit!

 

[catherine_m]

Yes, absolutely a deal-breaker. But then again you can never tell with love. And he could always give them up.

 

[jusduckymom]

I don’t lick ashtrays…I don’t kiss smokers…can’t marry someone I don’t want to kiss! So it’s a deal breaker.
Grew up in the country where chewing tobacco was popular with the guys…totally disgusting. Bad breath, bad kisses and they have to spit all the time…also a deal breaker!

 

[historybrat]

wowie… I just wanted to respond to someone who said that smoking represents a character flaw and that all smokers will have addictive personalities so it won’t matter if they quit…
that is awfully judgemental! I know many former smokers who have nothing wrong with them other than the fact that they got sucked into a bad habit when they were pretty young. My Mom smoked for 10 years, quit after she married my Dad and hasn’t touched a cigarette in almost 30 years. She’s a wonderful mother! My husband is currently quitting smoking but still has occaisional slip ups. I can’t say enough good things about my husband, he is patient and kind and easy going. He doesn’t have a temper or drink to excess and he certainly doesn’t have an addictive personality
I can totally understand why smoking would be a deal breaker for many, expecially if SO wants to smoke indoors or around children. Not everyone can deal with smokey breath or smell. But I can’t understand why someone would put down all smokers as bad people who are weak and stupid. It really isn’t easy to quit!

I would never ever date a smoker, however I definitely don’t think that there is necessarily something wrong with them. Some smokers do have addictive personalities, some don’t. It depends on the individual. However, I think as a whole they are just like the rest of society, some good apples and some bad apples. To me it is all about the health of that person, my health, and the health of others around us.

Just wanted to clarify, cause I do feel pretty strong about this, but I don’t want anyone to think I hate smokers. I just don’t want to date one.

Historybrat

 

[CarrieH]

Just wanted to clarify, cause I do feel pretty strong about this, but I don’t want anyone to think I hate smokers. I just don’t want to date one.

I think a lot of smokers just don’t “get it” how much many of us non-smokers hate the smoke, the smell, the stained teeth and fingers, and everything else that goes along with that habit, not to mention the health risks of second-hand smoke. Most of us don’t hate you smokers as people; we just don’t want in our lives any part of that whole mess that goes along with smoking.

My grandmother and my great-aunt (her sister) were smokers, and they lived together in their later years. Grandma wound up with emphysema, and it was an ugly way to die. Aunt Lizzie quit smoking while Grandma was sick, but after she died, Lizzie took it up again. Finally she had to go into assisted living, and we divided up her belongings. I got the lamp which used to sit on the table with the ashtray, and it actually had a sticky film on it from all of those years of their smoke. I had to throw the lampshade away, it was so nasty, and I had to scrub the base of the lamp with scouring powder in order to get all of that goo off of it. Between that gooey gross-out and watching poor Grandma dying by inches, I don’t even like to go into restaurants that have smoking sections, let alone having that pollution in my own home. But if you want to smoke in your house, have at it. I wish you well, I hope you don’t get emphysema or lung cancer, and I’m not interested in being anything more than your friend. :twocents:

 

[Bataar]

An even bigger deal breaker than a smoker is someone who listens to a lot of rap/hip hop music. I hate being around that kind of music more than cigarette smoke.

 

[puzzleannie]

The same can be said of porn addictions, which to me seem to be the modern day equivalent of what smoking was 30 years ago. “everybody’s doing it”. “it’s not harmful to you or anyone else”. “It’s cool/fun”. “It’ll make you popular”…blah blah blah…

When looking for a spouse one really needs to consider character… in today’s age of information I would have to question the character of a man who thought smoking was a good choice and not quitting was acceptable for a husband/father. But of course that’s just my own opinion.

very perceptive and I agree

 

[ecp007]

wowie… I just wanted to respond to someone who said that smoking represents a character flaw and that all smokers will have addictive personalities so it won’t matter if they quit…
that is awfully judgemental! I… But I can’t understand why someone would put down all smokers as bad people who are weak and stupid. It really isn’t easy to quit!

So to clarify what I said:

1. Not all smokers have character flaws, only the ones who started smoking when they knew it was bad for their health. So I give our parents generation a pass, and depending upon the age of your husband, he may qualify as falling into a trap, and not knowing the consequences. However, anyone 40 or younger (and grew up in the US) clearly knew that smoking was bad for their health and decided to do it anyway. Choosing immediate gratification over long term gain shows weakness of character. That is not judgemental, that is discernment.
2. I didn’t say all smokers had addictive personalities. I said it often goes hand in hand. Many people gain weight after quitting smoking. At least the people who I know that smoke also drink excessively, and often have other addictive personality traits. Not all, some. Enough so that I wouldn’t want to fall in love with a person, and later find out they are in that category.
3. I never said smokers were “bad people”. I said they had character weaknesses that I personally would not want to deal with for dating or a life commitment.

I have many smokers who are good friends, but I wouldn’t want to be married to them.

 

[aboverubies]

I met my husband-to-be when I was 17yrs old and he was 19yrs old. He was a smoker. I was attracted to him from early on in our friendship - except for the smoking thing. We were good friends for two years before we admitted that we meant more to each other than just “good friends”.

He was The One for me and I was The One for him and my feelings of disgust for the cigarettes were nothing compared to my feelings of love and devotion for him. He, and our relationship and friendship, were worth much, much more to me than the fact that he was a smoker.

He knew I hated the smoking but I never asked him to quit. As we did not live together, it was relatively easy for me to ask him to please not smoke around me. He quit of his own accord before we married and hasn’t smoked a single cigarrette since that day.

We will celebrate our 11th anniversary this year. Together we have birthed three beautiful boys into the world and two little babes into Heaven. It has been an amazing ride through life thus far and I can’t imagine sharing it with anyone else. If I had turned him down because of his addiction, I would have been the loser, because, to quote Jane Austen…“He is truly the best man I have ever known”.