Attention Singles and looking: Is smoking really a deal-breaker for you?

[whatevergirl]

So is drinkin’ a deal breaker? what about being 20 lbs overweight? what about not having an IQ high enough to get a decent job?

Come on people there are a lot of things worse than smoking (none of them are listed above those are meant to be examples).

I would think that someone’s relationship with God would be high on the list. If they have that and are a good person, you can work on the others.

We have gotten too tied up in this world in making lists and making diagnosis. If someone dosen’t fit in our perfect little understanding of what we THINK we want we are willing to not even consider it.

Smoking is an addiction but it can be overcome. Perhaps you should ask yourself this question. Could God ask me to love someone who smokes? Sure He can. Perhaps YOU are the person who can help them quit…

As someone who smokes I can tell the poster on the first page that I don’t know ANYONE, and I know a lot of people, who smokes and smokes in their home and that is irregardless of children. I have 3 and wouldn’t dare smoke in the house and those I know with children are the same.

The bottom line when looking for a spouse should be faith and love. If God brings that person into your life, don’t turn them away because they smoke or have any other small changable habits. Help them with it or see what they are like in regards to that habit.

I can tell you this, I would much rather have someone who had a cigarette outside once and a while than someone who drinks heavily or can’t control their temper. Luckly I don’t have to deal with either because I have a pretty great wife, but I could see those two be much more destructive.

Joe

Hi Joe;

My husband was a smoker when we met…and he quit for a while, and has had an on and off struggle with it–but alas! He kicked the habit for good recently…and you are right…he never smoked around the kids, nor me. My dad died of lung cancer, and for me, when we were dating, I asked him to stop. That I really started having bad memories of my dad, from his smoking days. For me, it goes further than smelling it, and kissing him after he would smoke–which is a big turn off, in my opinion. But, it transcended me back to my childhood, watching my dad die from smoking.

I will say that it wasn’t a deal breaker, because he kept up the good fight to quit. I don’t think I would have dated him, had he just told me to get over it, or learn to live with it, etc. It was in sacrificing and after 15 years, giving up an addiction. I’m glad I was there to see that. BUT…If a woman/man decides that after a few dates, they just can’t bear to be with a smoker–that truly is his/her choice. You are a smoker, and feel a bit defensive about it. I understand. My dh used to feel the same. But, you can kick the habit. My husband came to the conclusion that he didn’t want anything to come between him and God–and smoking was the one thing that really gripped him. Only God should grip us…and he also didn’t want to lie to his kids when they asked…‘dad, did you smoke today?’ (I guess I’ve raised lil gestapos:blush: )

I just wanted to chime in that your point hits home, but if someone doesn’t want to marry a drinker, or a person who is not in shape, or someone who smokes…truly, in the dating phase, one has that right to not continue dating that person.

 

[byers]

I would never date a smoker, ever. I wouldn’t want to be widowed early! Both my grandmother and great-grandmother were both widowed in their fifties due to their chainsmoking husbands passing away from lung cancer. I don’t want that to happen to me!

Plus I wouldn’t want to kiss a smoker. The smell is unpleasant.

~Jaden(name removed by moderator)

My own dear grandmother was a smoker all her life and died at 95. She outlived 2 non-smoking husbands.

 

[childofmary1143]

My own dear grandmother was a smoker all her life and died at 95. She outlived 2 non-smoking husbands.

I can relate to that somewhat. My Grandfather smoked and drank all his adult life. At age 65 he had cancer of the larynx (throat) and the Doctor told him to quit smoking and drinking. He did. He goes through surgery or chemo and the cancer is removed. He resumes his drinking and smoking and lives till 93!!!

I must also say that while I see what everyone is saying regarding smoking, I would also say that an addiction to smoking is NOTHING like to Porn.

 

[catherineajt]

When I was single, I did date one guy who smoked. And that was only because he was an absolutely fascinating, wonderful person, but we weren’t meant for each other. He knew that he was dealing with too many issues to be a candidate for a long-term relationship, so we broke up amicably.

At that time i wasn’t really looking to get married, so I wasn’t thinking about what I really wanted in a husband.

When I did start seriously discerning, smoking was DEFINITELY a deal-breaker, for several reasons:

1. I am asthmatic and have allergies, and cigarette smoke is unhealthy to be around. Even the residue on a person’s clothing causes me to react.
2. I think that in this day and age, there is no excuse for starting smoking in the first place. Everybody of my generation grew up with the Surgeon General’s warnings, knows that smoking, once started, is hard to give up, so WHY START IN THE FIRST PLACE?! To me, that’s a sign of stupidity. Yep. Don’t start something you know, at any level, to be that unhealthy and hard to give up. Why would I want to marry somebody who looked at a pack of cigarettes, read the warnings, and said, “Oh, who cares?”
3. It’s expensive, for what you get. I wanted a spouse who could look at his inclinations and hobbies and, if need be, jettison the expensive ones that do not give a good return. You never know when times will be tight and you have to economize. I am always amazed at the people who complain about food prices while buying cigarettes.
4. I didn’t want a spouse who might, down the road, be dealing with self-inflicted cancer, heart disease, lung disease. While it’s true you can be afflicted with these diseases and never have smoked, smoking increases your risks.
5. Smoking is selfish. It makes you selfish. My grandmother smoked from age 14 till she was in her 80s, and only quit because the doctors told her she had the beginnings of emphysema and heart disease. My brother, her favorite grandchild, once asked her if, for his Christmas present, she would quit smoking. She refused, even though she knew he was asthmatic and the smoke residue on her clothing irritated his lungs…she couldn’t even give it up for him, who she claimed to love.

I will state that I have had very good friends who smoked. Didn’t mean I didn’t love them, and support them if they tried to quit (but never scolded them if they backslid and started again, knowing how hard it is to quit). But I didn’t want a spouse who smoked.

 

[whatevergirl]

I can relate to that somewhat. My Grandfather smoked and drank all his adult life. At age 65 he had cancer of the larynx (throat) and the Doctor told him to quit smoking and drinking. He did. He goes through surgery or chemo and the cancer is removed. He resumes his drinking and smoking and lives till 93!!!

I must also say that while I see what everyone is saying regarding smoking, I would also say that an addiction to smoking is NOTHING like to Porn.

any addiction that we allow to come between us and God, is bad…not just sexual sins.

 

[sanctamaria17]

any addiction that we allow to come between us and God, is bad…not just sexual sins.

Yes, ma’am!

Just because cigarettes don’t involve sexuality doesn’t make them any less addictive. I had an aunt who TRIED to quit smoking, especially for us, but she couldn’t (and she tried everything, hypnosis, the patch, the gum, cold turkey, everything). She ended up dying of lung cancer.

One of my best friends gave up a smoking habit and helps other friends of ours who want to quit. He still struggles with cravings for cigarettes but he has definitely worked hard in that regard. And it was the one thing I didn’t like about Europe when I went. I know I’ll have to get used to it if I’m going to live there for four months, but still…

 

[whatevergirl]

Yes, ma’am!

Just because cigarettes don’t involve sexuality doesn’t make them any less addictive. I had an aunt who TRIED to quit smoking, especially for us, but she couldn’t (and she tried everything, hypnosis, the patch, the gum, cold turkey, everything). She ended up dying of lung cancer.

One of my best friends gave up a smoking habit and helps other friends of ours who want to quit. He still struggles with cravings for cigarettes but he has definitely worked hard in that regard. And it was the one thing I didn’t like about Europe when I went. I know I’ll have to get used to it if I’m going to live there for four months, but still…

Hi maria Nice to see you…yes, I agree.

My take on the whole thing is that I, as a mere mortal, am not in a place to say…this addiction is worse or less worse than another addiction. Sexual sins have the propensity to hurt others, in addition to the person commiting the sin–and I see other addictions, whether it be alcohol, drugs, smoking, as the same, they all have the propensity to hurt others. I lost my dad, so it very well hurt the family, my dad’s smoking addiction. Not to say there aren’t other things that could have claimed his life at such an early age, but we’ll never know that. Sexual sins are not the only sins that can separate a person from God, and we’re just not in a position to tell someone…‘well, if you were addicted to porn, that would be worse…but you’re addicted to cigarettes, so that’s not as bad as porn.’ I know that the RCC’s stance on porn, lust, and sexual sins, but it also has a stance on addictions, in general. I also wonder if a person is addicted, if they are somehow less cuplable, because they might not be as in control over themselves, because the ‘need’ that has presented itself through addiction. I’m not posturing, I’m just saying.

Anyways–that’s my thoughts.

 

[ArdenB]

It’s a deal breaker. Smokers are more likely to be sterile and die prematurely, and I think we would have different priorities. Just about every health organization out there contends that smoking leads to everything from lung cancer to heart disease. Why would anyone want to risk that so they can smoke? It doesn’t even have any benefits like tanning. I just don’t get it,

 

[CountryMom27]

I’m married, so I guess I shouldn’t chime in but as a former smoker I’m going to.

Yes, for me, smoking, heavy drinking, obesity (not just out of shape), drug use, non-Christian, and not having a good job were all deal-breakers. When I was dating, I was looking for my soulmate and the future father to my children. I was not interested in someone who knew better but put himself at risk anyway for a host of illnesses and diseases. Smoking is like driving a car without a seatbelt but also stinky and expensive. It’s not fair to those you love to put them at risk of losing you because of your behavior.

I quit a long time ago because I realized what a foolish thing it was and it was hard to quit but I did it. My brother, whom I adore and think very highly of, is a recovered alcoholic and former heavy smoker. He told me that quitting smoking was 10x harder than quitting drinking. I asked him when he decided to quit - he said it was when he met his future wife, and he realized he owed it to her and to himself.

Lastly, I think that being a non-smoker, not using drugs or alcohol as a crutch, and being a healthy weight are signs of self-respect. How could I respect someone who doesn’t respect himself?

Food for thought –

oh, just to add - it may seem odd that I would lump in drug use with not being a Christian or not having a good job. When you are looking for a future father for your children, someone with a good, reliable job is right at the top of the list. And of course I couldn’t consider marrying someone who didn’t share my core spiritual beliefs and faith. I dated a few guys who were Jewish, one who was an athiest, and others who were agnostic and I knew right away that faith was a “top of the list” thing for me.

 

[JadensMom]

My own dear grandmother was a smoker all her life and died at 95. She outlived 2 non-smoking husbands.

I don’t care.

I would still never date a smoker.

 

[holly_potter]

When I was single (now with a wonderful boyfriend, and thanking God for him! ), I would have never considered a smoker. For one thing, it is a nasty habit, one they should never have gotten into. Two, it would be bad for the kids. Three, it’s bad for me! Four, I’ve just recently been diagnosed with asthma (as a 20 yr old…no prior issues. It truly can develop in anyone), so even if it wasn’t a dealbreaker then, it’d be now.

Yes, it really is a big issue. I’d never have considered anybody who’s a smoker. I have a friend who dated a guy who was a smoker, but when she asked him to, he quit, and stayed completley clean since, about 4 months or so, now. So it’s up to the person, what they’re willing to deal with. Perhaps a girl/boyfriend will the the one to help the other quit smoking. But there are also some, like me, who would not have given that first try.

Guess it’s all depends on the people involved.

 

[EasterJoy]

Anything other than very occasional use would be an absolute deal-breaker…I’m talking maybe a cigar every six months. I hate the smell and I don’t want pay out that much money for the privelege of becoming a widow.

If they have a habit that you couldn’t tolerate if it got a lot worse, don’t marry them.

Having said that, if my husband took up an awful habit after marriage, I wouldn’t be going anywhere. “Better or worse” means just that.

 

[EasterJoy]

So is drinkin’ a deal breaker? what about being 20 lbs overweight? what about not having an IQ high enough to get a decent job?

Come on people there are a lot of things worse than smoking (none of them are listed above those are meant to be examples)…

I can tell you this, I would much rather have someone who had a cigarette outside once and a while than someone who drinks heavily or can’t control their temper. Luckly I don’t have to deal with either because I have a pretty great wife, but I could see those two be much more destructive.

Joe

What any particular person can tolerate or not varies. Some people can’t take yelling. Others wouldn’t know what to do with somebody who doesn’t yell once in awhile. Some would rather have a little overuse than no use at all. Some want someone who seems intelligent; others don’t want someone who seems too smart.

This isn’t about a single “list” for everybody, and yes, there is always the possibility that any of us could have (or still could) find someone “perfect” who makes us just shred the list.

Having said that, I can’t imagine the smell of smoke not breaking the deal before the negotiations started. My mom had asthma, and the slightest amount of smoke was devastating to her. I couldn’t believe how many smokers could not get that through their heads. I hate that smell.

 

[Norseman82]

I was on one date with a lady whose mother smoked unfiltered cigarettes. The smell on the clothes made my physically ill and I had to cut the date short. Then she mentioned that she herself smoked, despite the fact she had asthma. Just told her that we should just be friends, etc.

 

[jwashu]

Hi Joe;

My husband was a smoker when we met…and he quit for a while, and has had an on and off struggle with it–but alas! He kicked the habit for good recently…and you are right…he never smoked around the kids, nor me. My dad died of lung cancer, and for me, when we were dating, I asked him to stop. That I really started having bad memories of my dad, from his smoking days. For me, it goes further than smelling it, and kissing him after he would smoke–which is a big turn off, in my opinion. But, it transcended me back to my childhood, watching my dad die from smoking.

I will say that it wasn’t a deal breaker, because he kept up the good fight to quit. I don’t think I would have dated him, had he just told me to get over it, or learn to live with it, etc. It was in sacrificing and after 15 years, giving up an addiction. I’m glad I was there to see that. BUT…If a woman/man decides that after a few dates, they just can’t bear to be with a smoker–that truly is his/her choice. You are a smoker, and feel a bit defensive about it. I understand. My dh used to feel the same. But, you can kick the habit. My husband came to the conclusion that he didn’t want anything to come between him and God–and smoking was the one thing that really gripped him. Only God should grip us…and he also didn’t want to lie to his kids when they asked…‘dad, did you smoke today?’ (I guess I’ve raised lil gestapos:blush: )

I just wanted to chime in that your point hits home, but if someone doesn’t want to marry a drinker, or a person who is not in shape, or someone who smokes…truly, in the dating phase, one has that right to not continue dating that person.

Thank you WG I have quit in the past, my wife has really never made it an issue but I need to eventually for got before the boys get older, I don’t want them to start. Thanks for the encouragement AND understanding

Joe

 

[jmcrae]

Thank you WG I have quit in the past, my wife has really never made it an issue but I need to eventually for got before the boys get older, I don’t want them to start. Thanks for the encouragement AND understanding

Joe

How I got my husband to quit was, when he got a new car, he couldn’t get full value for the old one because of all the smoke in it, so I told him, “You cannot smoke in your new car, so that you can get the full value for the trade-in when it comes time for that.” So, he never smoked in his new car, and once he realized he could control himself not to smoke in the car, he was able to quit completely.

 

[whatevergirl]

Thank you WG I have quit in the past, my wife has really never made it an issue but I need to eventually for got before the boys get older, I don’t want them to start. Thanks for the encouragement AND understanding

Joe

You’re welcome!

It is tough, from what my husband says. He gave it up…and his motivation was for the kids…being a role model, etc…and also knowing that it hurt HIM to watch us being hurt over him smoking. I have confidence in you Joe…you can do it. Maybe just cut down a little each day, and replace the cigarettes with a novena prayer…say x amount of novenas or prayers for each cigarette. I think when we ‘quit’ something it is very important to REPLACE that behavior with good/better behavior, as we will commit to lasting change, then. Good luck to you, Joe!