Attraction in Dating, Important or Not?

[KeepintheFaith]

I have been divorced and annulled for about 6 years. I’ve recently started dating a man that has many of the very qualities that I’ve hoped for. He isn’t Catholic, but is respectful and supportive of my faith and is active in his own church. Aside from our faith differences, we are compatible and have a good time on outings. My issue is I feel no chemistry. No attraction whatsoever. I fret over this and wonder if I should stop seeing him or if I should continue and hope something grows. Do I be upfront about this with him or not? So many questions. I miss male companionship and don’t want that to cloud my reasoning so I am seeking advice.

 

[pensmama87]

I think it would depend on how long you have been dating. If you’ve just had coffee once or twice, then maybe give it one or two more tries to see if something develops. If you’ve done that and still nothing, then I say let it go because otherwise you’re stringing him along, which isn’t fair to either of you.

Maybe others can think of better wording, but I think it would be fine to say that you feel you are better suited to be friends at this point.

 

[EasterJoy]

A lot of this depends on you. What if he were to say the same thing about you? If, on your wedding day, your fiancé had as little for you as you feel for this fellow, would you be crushed? Have you found yourself to be someone who warms up slowly and only develops chemistry with others over time, or does your past indicate that this is a “we have it or we don’t” proposition? What if “chemistry” is something you aren’t going to feel for a mere mortal again? What if your past idea of chemistry, after you think about it, was not attraction to something good but attraction to something thrilling, to a glamour that does not bode well for a lasting marriage? Did you ignore a lack of chemistry in the past, only to find you were ignoring your intuition about the match? There are innocent reasons that some people marry the exact wrong person, but it is good not to make the same mistake over and over or to rush from one mistake into the ditch on the opposite side of the road.

You are looking for the man you will give the rest of your life to. You don’t have to like everything about him, but he deserves to have your affection without reservation. That is your affection, though. For some of us, that includes immediate “chemistry.” For some of us, it is something that develops. For some of us, it is more intellectual admiration than automatic emotional infatuation. Some of us want our marriages to be mutual fidelity societies, others want a mutual admiration society, and others feel a need to have a mutual infatuation society. Where are you on that continuum? Where is the guy you are dating? Have you asked him? Do you have differences that you can both accommodate?

While I would not say that it the fires of infatuation are necessary for a good marriage–Heaven forbid!–I also caution you not to give too little weight to the consolation of natural attraction, either. Open your eyes about what you are choosing and be able to admit what you are choosing.

Again–have you talked to him about this? I don’t think it is right to conceal this from him. I wouldn’t say, “Hey, I have no chemistry with you. Is that going to be a problem?” I think I’d explore the entire subject of “chemistry” with him, including how your present experience compares with your past experiences (which admittedly did not lead to a valid attempt at marriage) and what his experiences have been and how they worked out.

 

[LongingSoul]

You haven’t said what age you are or whether you have already had your family. I tend to think these types of things can make a difference. For example, I’ve given my 21 year old, as yet single daughter, my very strong opinion that chemistry is really important in holding a marriage together when the hard time associated with raising children and dealing with sex/ natural family planning issue, come up.

Later in life perhaps settling based on companionship and general enjoyment could meet the needs you have.

 

[Lily_Bernans]

I think you should at least be upfront with him. If chemistry doesn’t matter to you, then be upfront about that, too, but don’t be upset if he feels the same. Don’t start any kind of relationship based on a lie or even a misperception.

 

[pianistclare]

I have been divorced and annulled for about 6 years. I’ve recently started dating a man that has many of the very qualities that I’ve hoped for. He isn’t Catholic, but is respectful and supportive of my faith and is active in his own church. Aside from our faith differences, we are compatible and have a good time on outings. My issue is I feel no chemistry. No attraction whatsoever. I fret over this and wonder if I should stop seeing him or if I should continue and hope something grows. Do I be upfront about this with him or not? So many questions. I miss male companionship and don’t want that to cloud my reasoning so I am seeking advice.

My 2 cents?
You shouldn’t string him along if you’re waiting for a better fit.
Be truthful.
Maybe he only wants friendship! Then it’s w in for both of you.
But yeah. chemistry is the glue that holds people together. That, and the fact that he doesn’t share the same faith. If you get serious , one of you will have to decide…and should not compromise your beliefs just to have a friend.

 

[AKDee]

Reading your post, my concern is more around that he is not a Catholic and that he’s active in his own faith, which diminishes the chance he’ll convert. That may create problems later on.

I’m engaged to a man who told me initially he “felt no spark” for me. Which kind of crushed me at the time. But over time we felt much more for each other, and I think we are eminently compatible. I think in many cases that attraction we feel up front tends to burn down to a simmer anyway, but what replaces it- that deep and abiding love- is more important.

 

[Lily_Bernans]

Reading your post, my concern is more around that he is not a Catholic and that he’s active in his own faith, which diminishes the chance he’ll convert. That may create problems later on.

I’m engaged to a man who told me initially he “felt no spark” for me. Which kind of crushed me at the time. But over time we felt much more for each other, and I think we are eminently compatible. I think in many cases that attraction we feel up front tends to burn down to a simmer anyway, but what replaces it- that deep and abiding love- is more important.

I agree with you that a deep and abiding love is far more important than “chemistry,” which I see as fleeting anyway. A deep and abiding love takes time to develop, of course, but I still think she should be upfront with the man. Maybe he doesn’t feel any “chemistry” for her, either. (I know you didn’t recommend she not be upfront, I’m not saying that, I just wanted to agree with you on the deep and abiding love part.)

If chemistry between two people were all that important, there are a LOT of men I’d date that I passed by for various reasons. LOL

 

[LongingSoul]

I have been divorced and annulled for about 6 years. I’ve recently started dating a man that has many of the very qualities that I’ve hoped for. He isn’t Catholic, but is respectful and supportive of my faith and is active in his own church. Aside from our faith differences, we are compatible and have a good time on outings. My issue is I feel no chemistry. No attraction whatsoever. I fret over this and wonder if I should stop seeing him or if I should continue and hope something grows. Do I be upfront about this with him or not? So many questions. I miss male companionship and don’t want that to cloud my reasoning so I am seeking advice.

This is a good article from the founder of Ave Maria singles.com that might help you further discern your question…

catholicnewsagency.com/column/is-strong-attraction-necessary-169/

 

[edwest2]

Attraction is important, but if I find out that she is a person where we have little in common, her looks no longer matter. But talking is good. Think about what you’ll say, be polite and be up front. If you want more than companionship, keep looking.

Best,
Ed

 

[underacloud]

I would NOT be up front about this with him at this time. No man wants to be told he is unattractive and there is no chemistry. It could be crushing. And I find something a bit perverse in telling someone you don’t find them attractive but continuing to date them.

Either keep dating to see if chemistry builds - it certainly can - or cut him loose and both of you can move on. The question as to when to give up on it is entirely a judgement call.

My own opinion is that it’s much more common for women to develop attraction for men than for men to develop attraction for women if it wasn’t there initially.

 

[E_7]

My 2 cents?
You shouldn’t string him along if you’re waiting for a better fit. **
Be truthful.
Maybe he only wants friendship! Then it’s w in for both of you.
But yeah. chemistry is the glue that holds people together. That, and the fact that he doesn’t share the same faith. If you get serious , one of you will have to decide…and should not compromise your beliefs just to have a friend.**

I second this, especially what I put on bold.

 

[LongingSoul]

I would NOT be up front about this with him at this time. No man wants to be told he is unattractive and there is no chemistry. It could be crushing. And I find something a bit perverse in telling someone you don’t find them attractive but continuing to date them.

Either keep dating to see if chemistry builds - it certainly can - or cut him loose and both of you can move on. The question as to when to give up on it is entirely a judgement call.

My own opinion is that it’s much more common for women to develop attraction for men than for men to develop attraction for women if it wasn’t there initially.

good advice.

 

[edwest2]

If the OP wants a relationship to go to the next level - beyond dating - then she should decide. I mean, the other person should know that maybe she’s looking for something more permanent but it’s not him. No real need to go into the “I don’t feel any chemistry or I don’t find you attractive” part. Just, “I just want to let you know” so he can express how he feels, one way or another. He may offer a “Maybe we should stop seeing each other” or “We can still be friends, right?”

We’re all different. I have my own rules that I prefer to follow. And I’ve got a good idea of how I’d handle a situation like this but I’m not the OP.

Ed

 

[Graceful_Lamb]

My 2 cents?
You shouldn’t string him along if you’re waiting for a better fit.
Be truthful.
Maybe he only wants friendship! Then it’s w in for both of you.
But yeah. chemistry is the glue that holds people together. That, and the fact that he doesn’t share the same faith. If you get serious , one of you will have to decide…and should not compromise your beliefs just to have a friend.

There are plenty of people who get married who do not share the same religion.

My husband is RC and I am Protestant. We both knew that up front on the first date. We got married in my church (he was divorced, no annulment). We have been married for 15 plus years. I am still P and he is still RC. So, it CAN work.

As for the attraction question, I think it is very individual. Depends on where one is in life (divorced?, kids? (young or are they older?), etc.). I think that looks are somewhat important. No one wants to look at someone who they think is ugly for the rest of their lives. Of course, personality and character are important, too. I would think that someone would to be with someone who is compatible and is a good person who has a good heart.

 

[underacloud]

There are plenty of people who get married who do not share the same religion.

This is true.

My husband is RC and I am Protestant. We both knew that up front on the first date. We got married in my church (he was divorced, no annulment). We have been married for 15 plus years. I am still P and he is still RC. So, it CAN work.

Unfortunately, your own case is not a compelling example in the context of this forum. Our Church would not consider your husband to be validly married to you. I don’t wish to be rude, but that is simply the reality based on what you have said. So one key reason why your “marriage” works is that your husband (arguably) does not take his faith very seriously.

 

[Graceful_Lamb]

This is true.

Unfortunately, your own case is not a compelling example in the context of this forum. Our Church would not consider your husband to be validly married to you. I don’t wish to be rude, but that is simply the reality based on what you have said. So one key reason why your “marriage” works is that your husband (arguably) does not take his faith very seriously.

My husband and I have a valid marriage, since we are two validly baptized individuals. However, we do not have a sacramental Catholic marriage. My husband and I are married, whether the CC recognizes it or not. I have even spoken with the deacon and priest the church we attend, and they both agree that we are married (civilly, according to the Church). They also both agree that we are NOT married in the eyes of the CC, either. I’m okay with that.
.
As for whether my husband takes his faith seriously is between him and God.

As for whether my “case is not a compelling example in the context of this forum,” I happen to think that it is. We have been MARRIED for 15 plus years, each with our own religion. We know the differences between our religions, as well as the similarities.

 

[underacloud]

As you said yourself, you are not married in the eyes of the Catholic Church.

And this is a Catholic forum. In this context, according to our Church, no you are not married, either validly or sacramentally. It’s fair enough to clarify that you are civilly married of course.

(If your marriage was valid, it would in fact be sacramental. Your being baptised affects the sacramental nature of the marriage, not per se the validity.)

 

[Graceful_Lamb]

As you said yourself, you are not married in the eyes of the Catholic Church.

And this is a Catholic forum. In this context, according to our Church, no you are not married, either validly or sacramentally. It’s fair enough to clarify that you are civilly married of course.

(If your marriage was valid, it would in fact be sacramental. Your being baptised affects the sacramental nature of the marriage, not per se the validity.)

Yep, it is a Catholic forum. However, not every single person that participates on this board is Catholic, or even a practicing Catholic. I’m sure I’m not the only person on this board who is in a mixed marriage who doesn’t have a “valid marriage” according to the church.

The CC says that we are married civilly, and I have that confirmation from two members of the clergy in the parish that I attend.

Those who are Catholic should be happy that someone like me is interested in learning more about Catholicism. Maybe not. It is posts like these that turn me away from Catholicism.

 

[underacloud]

Yep, it is a Catholic forum. However, not every single person that participates on this board is Catholic, or even a practicing Catholic. I’m sure I’m not the only person on this board who is in a mixed marriage who doesn’t have a “valid marriage” according to the church.

Yes, of course. But this is a thread about dating, presumably for the purpose of potential marriage, and presumably we’re talking about a valid marriage. Someone who wished to enter a valid mixed marriage would have to approach it very differently to how you did; that’s what I meant when I mentioned context. There are many other threads that discuss invalid and/or mixed marriages and in that context your experiences may be very valuable.

Those who are Catholic should be happy that someone like me is interested in learning more about Catholicism. Maybe not. It is posts like these that turn me away from Catholicism.

I’m sorry if I’ve upset you. Certainly not my intention. Of course, you’ll find offputting people and opinions in any internet forum you might visit, so please don’t let that be a reason to turn away from learning more about any topic you find interesting.

Anyway, this is too much of a thread drift now, so to bring it back on track…

It is worth noting, with respect to the topic at hand, that our Church discourages mixed marriage, but does generally allow it (with conditions). pianistclare and others are picking up on the reality that - all things being equal - marriages are more ideal when the two people share a common faith. There will of course be exceptions.