Aunt wants to move in! I don’t like her

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Lilimo67

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In May my aunt lost her husband …they were together 45 years. She goes back and forth about staying in her home or moving in with my family. We took her in 2 weeks in July to see how we all fit together.
After 3 days I wanted her to leave. But she stayed the 2 wks
If i wasn’t a catholic the decision would be easy and I would not take her in.
So I struggle with my conscience…l love her but I don’t like my aunt as a person she is racist ,judgmental,unkind with her words, unappreciative, lacks sympathy for others, entitlement behaviour, disrespectful, values money and not people and last she criticizes everything . The funny thing she is a woman of faith .
Is my faith being tested ? Do I ignore my own thoughts on this and let her move in ? After all she’s old,alone, and mourning .
One thing is for sure , my life and my families life will be miserable .
Thoughts on what you would do?
 
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being catholic doesn’t mean you have to suffer needlessly by letting this woman live with you. why can’t she stay in her home?
 
She sees her beloved husband everywhere and she suffers from depression. I told my uncle on his death bed in May that I would take care of her… then, I had no idea she was so complicated and difficult as I do now.
We live 6 hrs apart so I only saw her once a year.
I promised my uncle and that is in my heart.
 
Lots of options for her,but none are satisfactory . She’s been treated like a princess all her life by her own father and then her husband …she’s above everyone else in her mind .
 
Someone with 45 years of marriage behind her is probably… 65? 70? 75?

So she’s not a spring chicken, but unless she has health issues, she’s not feeble, either. 🙂

When my MIL relocated to our town, we let her live in our guest bedroom while she got her house together. We were happy for her to stay as long as she wanted to… but she was chomping at the bit to be back in her own territory, around her own stuff, and doing her own thing, as much as she loved her son and her grandbaby. She moved into her new house even before construction was complete, even though we were happy for her to stay as long as she wanted! 😄

So just like a 20-year old or a 30-year-old adult child would chafe at the restrictions coming from living with parental units, a 70-year-old adult would certainly chafe at the restrictions coming from living with her niece and her family. What is she getting out of the arrangement that makes it desirable for her, to go through that kind of inconvenience? Being away from your privacy, your furniture, your routine, everything… That’s not the sort of thing most people give up easily, especially when they’re set in their ways.

Does your aunt have any children of her own?

Does your aunt have any other nieces and nephews?

How about your own immediate family?

Rather than saying, “My aunt’s personality leaves a lot to be desired,” you don’t need to be you aunt’s best friend. It’s okay to smile and nod, or just make noncommittal noises.

But it would help to figure out what the big picture is, besides the fact that she lost her husband of 45 years, that’s making everything so topsy-turvy… and figuring out who else is potentially in the cast of people who can help ease your burden, if there are health issues at stake that make it unsafe for her to be alone.
 
I personally wouldn’t take care of her by letting her live with you. Your own family is going to start suffering from depression if you take her in. It’s contagious.

You can help pay for assisted living.
 
She has no children of her own. She will be 89 soon Apart from her depression and mourning her loss heavily, she’s healthy.
She was not liked by a lot of people through her life because of the obvious I noted . Her own siblings didn’t like her ,including my father . She caused a lot of grief through her life .
I’m the only on of her nieces that would be the best or look after her since I work from home .
 
Hi Florida . She will be 89 in December. Too late for that ,
 
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She is 89. It seems you could find her a nice apartment in a retirement community
 
Lilimo67 said:
She has no children of her own. She will be 89 soon Apart from her depression and mourning her loss heavily, she’s healthy.
She was not liked by a lot of people through her life because of the obvious I noted . Her own siblings didn’t like her ,including my father . She caused a lot of grief through her life .
I’m the only on of her nieces that would be the best or look after her since I work from home .
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You promised to take care of her, not to take her into your home. You could look into arranging a place at an assisted living facility near you, for example. Or some help to come in and assist her in her own home.
It doesn’t sound like having her with you would be good for either of you, nor for your work, since you work from home and having her there could be disruptive.
 
Hi LL…she lives in a nice community …she owns her own home …she doesn’t like the people around her because they are either her in laws or another faith… Catholics are the minority in her small town. She refuses to live with other seniors …
 
Your first responsibility is to your spouse and children. If living with your aunt will cause them to suffer, it’s not a solution.

You told your dying uncle that you would take care of her, but “taking care of her” does not mean she has to live with you.
 
Would I be forgiven for not taking her in ? she knows I told her husband I would and I have told her I would. I’m changing my mind now simply because I know in my heart it won’t work and I just don’t like her .
Everyday I try to do my best , I’m so imperfect but I’m a good catholic .
I regret telling my uncle on his death bed that I will take his place and look after her.
 
For many people, they have the old, stinky scary “nursing home” in mind.

Modern communities are not like that. These are more like resorts, with apartments and even separate garden cottages where people live. They have maid service, internet, cable TV, may keep small pets, may cook or eat the meals in the nice dining room. One in my area has a small bar area with evening cocktails/beer/wine. They bring in entertainment.

There are some that are run by the Catholic Church or by a religious order, often secular communities have a priest come in to say Mass or have transportation to Mass.

It is worth at least taking a tour of the places near you.
 
My sister and I have told her all of this …there is no changing that woman’s mind. But thank you for your thoughts on this,
I’m really seeking advice about the consequences of my Faith for going against my word
 
Lilimo67 said:
I’m really seeking advice about the consequences of my Faith for going against my word
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For this part, speaking to your priest is your best bet. He can give you some spiritual guidance on this.
 
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