Aunt wants to move in! I don’t like her

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Same thing happened to me when my brother’s wife died. Never saw or heard much from him prior to that. He is 20 years older than me. Turns out his wife was like his mom or something - she did everything for him. My brother is the nicest guy in the world but he drove me absolutely crazy. So after a month, I got him an apartment a mile from my house that was right next to a shopping center, restaurants and doctors offices. I got him a laptop so he could explore the world some. Worked out pretty well. I take him to the movies once a week, and have him over for dinner once a week. So, your aunt probably has some means by which she could afford an apartment nearby. You may have to do all the paperwork for her and set it all up for her, but I took that route and it was worth it. My brother is taken care of and this way I am no longer annoyed by him because we have some space between us.

Just a suggestion.

All the best!
 
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My aunt has been ruling the roost since she could talk.
The youngest of 14 children she was spoiled rotten .
Her needs are her priority.
 
I think some sort of sheltered living place where she has her own apartment with a warden would be best.

In my experience of difficult relatives it’s much easier for an outsider to deal with them as they won’t take the bad behaviour so personally as it’s a job. Sometimes people in this situation play up their relatives worse and are ok with outsiders.

Don’t see it as abandoning her, see it as ensuring her needs are met.
 
She refuses that option. She knows she wouldn’t survive in a place like that when she’s been queen of the castle all her life with people.
Thank you for your thoughts .
 
Thank you for sharing that. I hope one day my aunt realizes that she needs to live in a seniors complexe.
 
Thank you for sharing your story …my aunt has lived a pampered life , all her life,. She knows she won’t be pampered in a senior home…
 
Totally agree. Tonite one of her personal care worker called me to advise me the doctor put her off work for a month … my aunt drove the poor women to be burnt out mentally, I’m dodging a bullet by changing my mind in taking her in my home.
 
Remember - she very much needs God’s grace.
Don’t cease to stop praying for her -
Hopefully all these new ‘life changes ‘ will be for her spiritual growth.
It has to be one of life’s most toughest decisions -
So be encouraging -
Let her also be top of your prayer list - for she’s close to God, via her age…
And I’m sure - one day - she’ll fondly bless you -
for bringing out the courage - she needed -
to face Heaven - with nobility and dignity and meekness.
Her guardian angel will help her too -
Humbleness - is never - easily understood.
 
Could she just be being this way as a grief response due to her losing her husband or could she even have Dementia?

Has she always been like this or is it a relatively new development?

Is she actually greedy or does she just value money because some people can be this way if they were raised in relative poverty.
 
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Gosh people are very free in giving opinions about what you should do! DOn’t think I am criticising because I am about to do the same. First of all, rest assured that we non-believers face exactly the same crises of conscience over what to do with needy family members. If you were not Catholic you would just frame the issue differently. You are talking here about an individual with high needs. If she continues to live for several or more years her problems are likely to get worse and beyond your ability to cope. A future transfer to care may be harmful to her, even if it is the only option. You should not make decisions like this without professional help. The speciality in medicine is called geriatrics and the experts who do it are called geriatricians. You need an assessment by a geriatrician or from a service led by such experts. You suspect narcissism. You may also need to get advice from a psychologist. I have some experience of this mental disorder (in others) and would have no hesitation in flat out refusing to live with one not because I think they don’t need help but because I know I would be unable to provide it. On CAF we have lots of opinions and express them, sometimes, in inverse relationship to our actual expertise. Please think of getting professionals to advise you.
 
Thank you for your lovely message Seagull.
I pray for her first every night , I might not like her because of how she treats people but I do love her and I have for years. I pray she comes to peace that she’s a widow soon ,this would help her to take a step ahead.
 
Oh no… she’s been very difficult person & judgmental all her life…her grief is not only that she lost her husband but that the way of life she was used to will now have to change due to less income coming in.
She never had to worry about money from childhood to now.
Thank you for you thoughts on this
 
Thank you for you much appreciated advice. She is a narcissist,so was my father . I live 6 hours away from her. She will refuse assessment . I can only interfere when or if her mental state declines.
I know I’m making the right decision for my family by not taking her in my home.
 
Seagull said:
No. She should roommate with women of her own age and temperament.
She has to overcome her pride and stubbornness.
Click to expand...
I am not prideful (or at least I work very hard on humility), I would want to be a roommate with one other person in this world (aside from family). It is not somehow a character flaw if you don’t want to roommate with other people.
Seagull said:
Also, a woman of faith - do not have such qualities -
such as entitlement, no compassion, money oriented ( to a fault ),
racist, disrespectful - and has depression.
Click to expand...
Faith has nothing to do with depression (except that it can help a little bit). Women and men of faith can be afflicted with depression.

It is like saying “women of faith do not have appendicitis”. What an unkind thing to say!
 
Why don’t you just tell her what you told us? That living with her is unbearable because she’s a narcissist and if she did live with you she’d have to chill out.

She might not even know what she’s doing
 
In your situation, personally, I would just be telling her, "Here are the options:
  1. You continue living in your current home. Note that I will not be coming to look after you. If you kick out your carers that’s YOUR problem.
  2. You move into a seniors’ facility."
Moving into your home does not have to be an option for her.

If she’s cognitively intact and decides that she wants to live at risk and spend her finances as she wants, that’s her right. If she knows that she needs care but refuses it, that’s her right.

If she’s not cognitively intact you may need to look into the requirements in your area for having her declared incompetent and for you to be able to make decisions for her.
 
You are not doing her a favor by letting her upset you! Don’t let her back into your home. God bless you and stop worrying about this! ❤️
 
She needs to find somewhere else to live.
I lived with my MIL for three years before I said no more. Her bitterness and anger was terrible. She is now in a retirement home studio apartment. Because she now has dementia the care has gone up in price and soon she will be on medicaid as her funds will run completely out.
I advise not putting your marriage through this. I was lucky. My husband understood the situation.
 
I would take solace that you did take her into your home. You tried, giving it all you could to make it work. If my family was in your situation, I would take the burden off my wife by simply refusing to have her come back, giving her the perfect answer. Living with someone else requires the consent of both spouses.

I have heard that in some cases a set of rules (and consequences) can help, or even third party family counseling. It sounds like this woman needs to be treated more like a child than an adult, and that is not uncommon.
 
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