Aunt wants to move in! I don’t like her

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You know, that whole thing about her niece building on and then her being able to rent it out down the road would sound like the ideal solution to most people. They would be so happy that it could produce income after they were gone. The fact that she doesn’t want to do it because they will be able to earn money from it just shows how selfish she is. She wants everyone to put themselves out for her, and gives nothing in return. :confused: I couldn’t have her live with me either.
 
Lilimo67 said:
she will order everything she feels like having ,knowing that she won’t eat all of it, and instead letting the server take her full plate away ,she will bring it home so she can throw the food out and not the server. When she came for 2 weeks in July at my place I told her she is not bringing her left over food to throw it out in my home …she says to me I paid for it so I can do what I want with it.
I’m dodging a bullet by changing my mind this week in taking her in.
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Dodging the bullet indeed. What you describe is not just selfish: it’s actively malicious or wildly irrational.
 
I know, it could look like that to some, I assure you this is not my motivation . I’m using this forum to let it out of my system so I can finally see clearly …I allowed myself for many years to be manipulated by her …ever since I was in my teens. Now this week with our last phone conversation on Wednesday, I decided to seek advice here and as I’m reading everyone’s replies I’m realizing how wrong I was to invite her to stay with us.
 
I congratulate you and using this forum to your advantage. I hope that not only you, but others may find something useful here.
 
Life is a negotiation. If people don’t know how to
Negotiate they will be at a loss.
 
AND!! After she’s gone, she wants them to make it into a shrine.
Get together, make a decision and tell her! She’s stays alone or she helps make a nice place for her. She won’t be around to care, what is done to the room.
Other niece says,”We want you, Aunty. We love you… “It’ll work out.
In Christ’s love
Tweedlealice
 
Praying for your peace of mind and unity within your family.
Praying God melts your aunt’s heart closer to Him and turns around her mind to a meeker and less self-centered point of view.
 
Ppl raised in the depression, have psychological fears about hunger and shortages. She needs to control things. I’m 70. My daughters had an attitude change this year. I noticed them taking over, a little. It is to happen. I noticed a difference w my patients. Keeping purses in room. Having to pay bills! Not trusting someone to do it for them.
It wouldn’t bother me about the food. Any dogs! Give it to neighbors dogs??
Was she a good wife? Was she ever a nice Aunt. Has she been evaluated by a psych doctor? In her home, is she hoarding?
I’m sorry, for the situation. I’ve taken my Mom w Schizophrenia in. My Uncle w dementia & my Aunt w recurrent Congestive Heart Failure. Of course, they all passed. I did not kill them!
It was stressful. I’ll spare you the details. In the ER, when I worked there, they’d send me to the drunks, the ornery old ppl & rebellious teens. I was like the Statue of Liberty— give me your homeless… It was funny. God graced me w these gifts. I was grateful, I could make a difference.
What makes ppl tick? Humor is my defense mechanism. I’ll laugh, where someone else, may get angry.
The Serenity Prayer
God grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I can;
And wisdom to know the difference. Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
As it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
If I surrender to His Will;
So that I may be reasonably happy in this life
And supremely happy with Him
Forever and ever in the next.

God go w you! There is a solution. Don’t stress. Change is difficult for old ppl. See Jesus in her. Do everything in the name of Jesus.
 
She wasnt always a good wife , she alienated all his side of the family early on in their marriage,she felt they were all beneith her…
Remember if you saw some of my previous notes , my aunt was raised spoiled ,privileged ,princess like. She wasn’t on her own ever. She went from her fathers house to her husbands house, both men giving in to her all the time . Her depression started when her father passed away ,she never really accepted his passing and sank into a depression. When she married
In her 40’s she was already on meds and even more complicated as a person…
Throught the years I’ve loved her, showed her kindness and compassion and mostly agreed with her on a lot of things for peace sake,
But I also spent 8, 9 years not having any type of relationship with her. All of my siblings and I just stopped. It was to much for us.
We started talking to her and visiting her yearly now for 9 years.
But I really got to know her more since May and mostly the 2 weeks she stayed with me in July … I was shocked to see how racist ,entitled, immature ,and disrespectful she really is. She’s a shopaholic and buys what she doesn’t need , I took her shopping everyday in July to make her happy, but with my hip bursitis I can’t walk long , but she didn’t care , we would leave at 1 and come back at 7 , I would tell her these shopping days are too long , she would respond I’m weak because I can’t handle my pain.
But my decision is made , it has been for a week and I’m not taking her in my home.
Thank you for your thoughts on this .
God bless.
 
This isn’t about whether she is a good person, so you can leave that alone.

You tried it out to see if it would work. If you haven’t already, tell her you’ve thought about it and don’t feel it will work. After all, she’s still “thinking about it” and you aren’t taking this as a sign she doesn’t like you as person, right? Just be there to help her out as you can but let her know you aren’t ready to have another adult in the house, that it wasn’t right for you.

She may demand to know why. Don’t go there, it is an opening to argue. Just say “it didn’t work for me. It was a trial for both of us, and it didn’t work for me.” Repeat repeat repeat.

She may get angry and bad-mouth you to everyone you know. Take it as well worth avoiding the fate of having her there to badmouth people (you and others!) to your face in your own home.
 
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Thank you for your thoughts ,I disagree with one thing .,It is about that she’s not a good person .
I would take her in my home and take care of her if she had good habits and was respectful. I had already covered the racist issue with my black friends if she moved in and I even started tellling my students that I might not be tutoring for a while,
I was prepared to put my work on hold and I would have made it worked my black friends to see them regardless of her views.
But as I mentioned before , my views all changed 10 days ago.
I do appreciate your advice on how to let her know without causing an argument,.
 
You don’t mention if children are involved. I would think the first responsibility is to the family and children. Sounds like she would be a bad influence on them. If possible, you could suggest you will help her find a Catholic home to stay.

So yes difficult.
 
Lilimo67 said:
Thank you for your thoughts ,I disagree with one thing .,It is about that she’s not a good person .
I would take her in my home and take care of her if she had good habits and was respectful. I had already covered the racist issue with my black friends if she moved in and I even started tellling my students that I might not be tutoring for a while,
I was prepared to put my work on hold and I would have made it worked my black friends to see them regardless of her views.
But as I mentioned before , my views all changed 10 days ago.
I do appreciate your advice on how to let her know without causing an argument,.
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You got my point perfectly: this was only about how to break the news with the least amount of harm.

I only mean that she won’t have automatic room to conclude you’re telling her that she is a bad person just because you’re turning her down, and there is no reason to go there with her or anyone else. It is no one’s business but yours why you have decided this person or that isn’t suitable as a roommate. You feel it; that is good enough. She may bait you in that direction; have none of it!! You’ll wind up either lying to her or insulting her. Stand your ground on that, because you’ll never win with anyone who won’t take that as an answer. Give no other reason to anyone else behind her back, either, unless it is to warn people you are concerned would be particular targets of her abuse.

There is no point to offering correction when there is little hope it will lead to amendment. “Do not give what is holy to dogs, or throw your pearls before swine, lest they trample them underfoot, and turn and tear you to pieces.” (Matt. 7:6) She has undoubtedly had her faults pointed out, and she wants none of it. Certainly the day you are telling her you don’t want her as a roommate is not the day to find her amenable to hearing how she can improve herself! She would be especially defensive after getting that news, so for the good of her soul I’d save that for another day, if you’re ever going to admonish her about it.

Finally, if people know her and find that you won’t say a bad word about her, they’ll know that you are the kind of person who doesn’t say an unkind word until necessity requires it. You will be someone who protects the reputations of others and can keep an unkind secret. That will be noticed in a good way by those who know why they wouldn’t want to live with her. You will be letting people know you are discrete and don’t give your judgments of others behind their backs. That will let them know your value as a friend, believe me. People need someone they can allow to see their rotten side.
 
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I have a 13 yr old daughter .
All 3 of us , myself ,hubby and dd were going to take her in with open arms …until last Wednesday and our conversation. I’m so glad she was mean to me that evening , I finaly realized how she spent my whole life judging and manipulating me.
She had no children .
 
Lilimo67 said:
I have a 13 yr old daughter .
All 3 of us , myself ,hubby and dd were going to take her in with open arms …until last Wednesday and our conversation. I’m so glad she was mean to me that evening , I finaly realized how she spent my whole life judging and manipulating me.
She had no children .
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I am glad for you that you recognized this before you brought her into your home. It would have been a great mistake to subject your daughter to that during her maturation from child to adult. That is a very vulnerable time, a time parents have to both teach their children to handle nasty things they will confront in adulthood while also teaching them to refuse to accept any of it or internalize any of it.

Add this relative to your family’s prayers, if you haven’t done so already. She has shown you she is in need of them on her way to becoming a saint. All that you describe in her has to drop away before any of us can go through the narrow gate.
 
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As the Serenity prayer says!
Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
enjoying one moment at a time;
accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
that I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
forever in the next.
Amen.

One day at a time.
My peace, I leave you
My peace, I give you
 
OP, I have a very similar situation in my family. Also a widow, also a very disagreeable person. She drove all her children away, all of them, all her caretakers too. She is the most unkind person I know, to the point that she very easily insults everyone around her. Literally.

We also promised her husband before he passed away that we would take care of her.

The only way we found to do this, without actually driving whoever is keeping an eye on her crazy, is that she lives in her own house (alone of course as living with her seems to be unbearable for anyone), and another family member lives in the house right beside her. Even doing this is driving the caretaker and her family to near madness….but heaps better than living in the same house.

Since I have actually seen the destruction that a person like this can do, if I were in your shoes, I would actually dish out the 10K needed for her niece to build her an apartment. If her niece agrees to share rental money with you after she is gone, seeing as you paid for it good. If not, it is still money well spent to save your family. Really.

I know this advice seems harsh, but believe me when I say that these types of people are destructive. And have no qualms about it either.

Edit: yes, we are all catholic, and had to pray long and hard about this. But a priest told us that being a catholic does not mean being a doormat.
 
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